That we can afford the chicken!?

[hungryfordinner]

So I've had an argument with my husband and really need some independent perspective.

We are a family of three - me, husband and toddler

• we own our house outright (paid off last summer)!
• we both earn good salaries- after childcare we have about £5k per month to go towards living and saving. We each get £500 to cover tube transport / mobile / personal expenses, so £4000 is free. We are saving for an overseas home and our child's future. There is plenty in savings if we need it.

And yet- today I realised we had no meat in the fridge aside from some sausages, no vegetables apart from tomatoes; and we only get groceries on a Sunday. Not fancying sausages, I bought some chicken breasts in Sainsbury's for £6, and came home and made dinner for the three of us, using the tomatoes and pasta we already had.

I thought that my husband would be pleased I had dinner ready (Wednesday is my day off; he has Fridays off and never has dinner ready for me when I get home).

Well, he has come home and kicked off big time about me buying the chicken. Apparently we need to make what's in the fridge last a whole week, even if it means pesto pasta or tinned meals. And we shouldn't be eating so much meat.

We spend max £40 on food / nappies (his rule) per week and honestly it's driving me crazy. Yes- some people do this and manage fine. I get this. It's not impossible but it's not fun.

But AIBU to think that since we are in such a fortunate financial position, we can splash out on a bit of mid-week chicken? Why the need to control our existence in such a shitty way?

Wait - while I'm at it- a cleaner. I always said to him I want a cleaner when I am back at work. Our time together is too valuable to waste time cleaning. But nope. Instead I spent at least an hour of my day off cleaning skid marks that his disgusting mate had left in our family bathroom last night, scrubbing the rest of that bathroom down, vacuuming and mopping the ground floor, and doing laundry.

All while trying to entertain a toddler or get him to nap (bloody hard work).

On Saturdays we both do a full clean of the house, either while the child sleeps or if he won't sleep,!we take turns cleaning / entertaining child.

I'm sick of living such a miserly existence when we can well and truly afford to live a little!

hungry no matter the goood points of the marriage he is financially abusing you, doesn't matter the income you don't have to be poor to be abused. He is a controlling penny pinching miserly abuser.
He either backs off and you spend what needs to be spent on food, cleaning and general life or you need to rethink this marriage all together. Feeding yourselves cheap crap food is not saving. You set yourselves up for shorter lives and ill health.
As the baby grows, so does the food bill, and the activities bill, and all the bills in general. Babies are cheap in comparison to having school age kids and young adults.

@DishingOutDone

Well yes that would have been insensitive
But the OP didn’t say that. At all. That’s you twisting her words to fit your view.

Oh and the fine for getting extra meat thing is beyond rediculous and abusive.

What other areas of your life does he restrict?
What happens if you stand up to him?
Do you fear his anger does he smash things?
Does he sulk?

He sure does not sound like a joy to live with
Get informed finances etc how much hpuse is worth what you could buy if you divorce....

OP

The fine is very disturbing.

Well, I'm a single parent earning £8.50ph and I do not scrimp on food. Me and DS eat chicken twice a week and fresh fish twice a week. It's important to me that we eat well. I do not set a food budget.

Your husband is a controlling arse.

WTAF to a fine. OP seriously, this isn't normal or ok. You have NO say over what happens to the money YOU earn. The whole set up us controlling and awful, but the fine takes the biscuit. You need to tell him things are going to change or you are off! It's bad enough for you but imagine how this is going to be as your child grows up. You will have to ask permission for him to do anything so you can get the funds "approved". Your DS will end up missing out on more than just good food. What about hobbies and school trips and all the other expenses associated with enriching life for your DC, when you can afford to do so? Think ahead. Things need to change. Otherwise I seriously think you should consider the future of the relationship. You earn well and could get a decent amount in maintenance and wouldn't have to live with your bank manager!

I've cut many things out of our budget, and am careful about food spending, but I do without many things each month so that we never worry about having enough to eat or a good balanced diet.

Many of the 'rich' people I know don't spend frivolously, but not a single one scrimps on food, especially not for children. There has to be a sensible line between saving for the future, and enjoying the present, an unnecessary miserable existence is just ridiculous.

He fined you? WTAF??? How can you bear to live with this financially abusive excuse for a man? Please go and speak to someone (freedom course?) to get some perspective back on how a normal relationship/partnership of equals works.

I can't believe he fined you. And £20? What's all that about? Who thought up that number?

Is he British? I just ask because there is someone like this in my extended family who is Eastern European, she can literally stay up all night arguing about spending 50p. She has an urge to hoard wealth in case there is a revolution or the government collapses.

@OP

what an odd tale. Lucky you only got the value chicken, and not the free-range corn fed.

You know you are being treated appallingly. I hope you are able to resolve this in a way that gives you happiness.

This is financial abuse, not normal or acceptable in any way. I do hope you told him to get lost regarding the fine, but from the way you worded it, it sounds like you paid it.

I would be sitting down and making it clear this control stops now, you are an adult who is equally capable of making your own decisions and will be doing so.

We bring in a LOT less than you and spend the same on food a week. I am actually horrified reading your updates and how passive you seem about this level of control. Is he controlling in any other way?

You and his own parents have identified this as a problem. It is up to you to change things and possibly reassess things depending on his reaction. Imagine when your child gets birthday money and wants to spend it on plastic tat, he will most likely flip out or forbid it. This is no way to live

he is very, very wrong and if he won't see or change his financial and controlling ways you're better off without him

OP, there are no pockets in a shroud and I think I'd be parting ways with this guy and eating whatever I liked.

there are no pockets in a shroud

KLAXON

i cannot stop saying this

LTB
He sounds awful and controlling, what you are describing is financial abuse. The fine is ridiculous!

I geniunely cant believe the fine
I mean I cannot believe it.

He's very controlling
Don't put up with this shit anymore

No pockets in a a shroud, as they say.

He's a twat (chicken's carbon footprint? buy local free range then, and presumably hike overland to your holiday home when you get it) and a controlling one at that.

Cross post re the shroud!

Holy shit, I just read about the fine. Why didn't you say NO? Tell him to fuck off.

i had never heard that phrase and it's like buses....

He made you pay a fine?

And you did so?!?!!!!!!

You paid a fine!!!!

I'd have peered over my glasses and said 'you can fuck right off you controlling prick' and ignored him while he chocked on his own bullshit.