That we can afford the chicken!?

[hungryfordinner]

So I've had an argument with my husband and really need some independent perspective.

We are a family of three - me, husband and toddler

• we own our house outright (paid off last summer)!
• we both earn good salaries- after childcare we have about £5k per month to go towards living and saving. We each get £500 to cover tube transport / mobile / personal expenses, so £4000 is free. We are saving for an overseas home and our child's future. There is plenty in savings if we need it.

And yet- today I realised we had no meat in the fridge aside from some sausages, no vegetables apart from tomatoes; and we only get groceries on a Sunday. Not fancying sausages, I bought some chicken breasts in Sainsbury's for £6, and came home and made dinner for the three of us, using the tomatoes and pasta we already had.

I thought that my husband would be pleased I had dinner ready (Wednesday is my day off; he has Fridays off and never has dinner ready for me when I get home).

Well, he has come home and kicked off big time about me buying the chicken. Apparently we need to make what's in the fridge last a whole week, even if it means pesto pasta or tinned meals. And we shouldn't be eating so much meat.

We spend max £40 on food / nappies (his rule) per week and honestly it's driving me crazy. Yes- some people do this and manage fine. I get this. It's not impossible but it's not fun.

But AIBU to think that since we are in such a fortunate financial position, we can splash out on a bit of mid-week chicken? Why the need to control our existence in such a shitty way?

Wait - while I'm at it- a cleaner. I always said to him I want a cleaner when I am back at work. Our time together is too valuable to waste time cleaning. But nope. Instead I spent at least an hour of my day off cleaning skid marks that his disgusting mate had left in our family bathroom last night, scrubbing the rest of that bathroom down, vacuuming and mopping the ground floor, and doing laundry.

All while trying to entertain a toddler or get him to nap (bloody hard work).

On Saturdays we both do a full clean of the house, either while the child sleeps or if he won't sleep,!we take turns cleaning / entertaining child.

I'm sick of living such a miserly existence when we can well and truly afford to live a little!

I think you have to stop cleaning. You've set your stall out and said you don't want to clean on weekends now you're back at work - hold him to it.

Give him three options

1. He does all the cleaning and you put the money you would have spent on your half of the cost of a cleaner into savings. You relax at the weekend.

1. You pay for a cleaner for upstairs/downstairs and he picks up the rest. You relax at the weekend.

1. You employ a cleaner and this is considered a household expense. You both relax at the weekend.

Your dh sounds awful. I hope he has plenty of redeeming characteristics.

£4000 a month spare? We don't have that before bills etc. Money doesn't make you happy but my word that should surely make it more comfortable

Saving is a worthwhile goal, and small amounts here and there quickly add up.

That said, I’m picturing you all one day in your holiday house abroad. Sitting silently in the living room together with glasses of tap water in front of you, while crowds of summer funsters pass by your windows with cocktails and swim gear.

Because your DH is now older, stingier and set in his controlling fun-sponge habits. And you and your kid just roll your eyes and sit there, because you surrendered over those chicken dinners and assertiveness passed you by.

Do something now. Like sit yourselves in front of a proper financial planner who takes into account the current AND future needs, and those of both partners (not just one). Money well spent. Just make the appointment yourself.

I'd also say that if he's so rigid about the food budget, he needs to batch cook at the weekends or at least come up with a viable meal plan.

If he wants to dictate the ingredients, he ought to devise the menu - you don't want to be playing Ready Steady Cook after a day at work.

Then he decided that online shopping has too much of a carbon footprint, so he now does the shopping weekly. We don't have a car so he takes a grocery trolley.

Total sidebar, but warehouse-based online shopping (eg Ocado) tends to have a lower carbon footprint as food isn’t being transported from the warehouse to the supermarket, all the carbon associated with running the shop, and the higher levels of food waste you get in supermarket environment.

But he sounds dreadfully tight. Your child’s future is sorted - you have a paid off house in London. Your child might want an enjoyable childhood, though, and living with a penny-pinching parent who’d rather they saved money than ate decent food or had nice experiences, or spent the weekend cleaning when they could have afforded to get a cleaner and spend that time with the child, doesn’t exactly enhance a childhood.

I’m actually wondering if he has severe anxiety?

Is he usually this tightly wound up around money and carbon footprint?

Maybe he needs to see a therapist

HOW have you paid off the mortgage on a London house when you're still young enough to have a toddler

Tomorrow you need to give him beans on toast for dinner (or even better let him cook it himself) and sit down to a big, fat, juicy steak with all the trimmings. While you're at it, find a cleaner.

Don't put up with this behaviour.

What are your future financial goals and why do you need to continue living so frugally when you’re mortgage free? Did you get quite obsessed when bringing down the mortgage? If you’re not planning on private education, what level of savings will be enough for you? When do you get to have fun and live for today?

You’re in a massively fortunate financial position. You don’t need to be scrimping- you have a huge amount of disposable income.

Is he stingy re the toddler as well? Are you allowed to buy toys, fun experiences etc? £40 a week would be a small budget for people on a far smaller budget than you. Even as a student over 15 years ago, my budget was around £30 a week for food. Are you getting a good varied diet?

Clearly where we are going wrong, sometimes spending £120 a week on food . Never going to pay off our mortgage but enjoying life

I think I would be more annoyed with the " no agreement" re the cleaner TBH

It won't do you any good, living like a miser. You could die tomorrow and all that money in the bank won't do anything for you. Enjoy yourself and treat yourselves.

He's a controlling, stingy miser. It doesn't matter how much you have in the bank, or how big a pot of savings you amass - he won't ever want to or be able to enjoy it. Some people are just like that.

If you're not happy to live like that, you will need to make a change. Getting a cleaner would be a good first step, but will he make your life a misery if you do?

Sounds joyless.

I'm imagining a fairly skinny guy. Does he survive on protein shakes? I have never met a man who tolerates hunger well. No wonder he's crabby!

Love b (sorry don't know how to highlight)
By living with Ebeneezer Scrooge obviously!

This gets weirder and weirder.

I'm sure as a competent functional adult who works and raises a child you're capable of completing an online shop without getting it 'checked' by him.

Anyhow I don't think you're going to make any changes so enjoy your tinned tomatoes and scrubbing skidders off the toilet while the cash piles up in the bank! 🤷

If he's genuinely concerned about the ethics surrounding food production he needs to change his ideas. On your £40 a week budget there's no way you can make good food choices.

I choose to buy meat as locally as possible and veg without pesticides, organic milk etc, veg grown in the UK. All of these cost money though.

I am living on a fraction of the disposable income you have but I try to buy food that hasn't been shipped further than necessary or damaged the environment more than most (excess packaging etc.)

I think he's having a laugh stating carbon footprint as being something that concerns him.

This sounds terrible. We are a family of 4 with older children, so feeding 4 adults. I budget £750 per month for food. I take leftovers, sandwiches or soup to work and DH gets his lunch provided. We spend this on supermarket shopping, cleaning products and toiletries. We don’t eat out or have takeaways very often. We don’t have anywhere near as much disposable income as you, but we both work full time and we have a cleaner twice per week.

If he's genuinely concerned about the ethics surrounding food production he needs to change his ideas. On your £40 a week budget there's no way you can make good food choices.

I agree with this. We make a conscious effort to eat locally / sustainably produced food, and it isn't cheap. Organic local veg, milk direct from the local farm etc.. I don't eat meat at all and DH eats meat very rarely. And yet we still spend over double your weekly budget on food.

If you paid £6 for 5/6 chicken breasts, I'm assuming they weren't free range / organic, and given your weekly budget I'm assuming the other meat and veg you buy each week isn't either.

Does he try to be ethical in other areas of life, or is it just a convenient trump card to use in an argument about money? Because it smells like utter horseshit.

Hi OP do you actually have any fun with this man. Do you go out together and get a babysitter. I’d be suprised if his financial meanness was just on food.
He could be controlling.
Increased your budget to 700 - pay for a cleaner - do you ever go out as a family at the weekend - he’s mean - what will it be next - after you have bought your second home. When will it be enough for him.
You should be having the life of Riley together.
He lied about the carbon foot print re chicken.
Your allowed to treat yourself - how about a take away? Will he let you buy one?
You work - it’s your money - tell him to F off!!!

He is tight. Horrible trait. Just the worst trait.

It sounds to me as though the obsession with the carbon footprint of food but not holidays sounds more like a compulsion than something rational.

Is your toddler's diet also being restricted by his cheese paring?

Miserable

You both work so get a cleaner
Have some fun with Your child
Eat chicken without guilt

This must be a joke post.

If it isn’t, it is worrying. Your dh is either a control freak or obsessive, or has something to hide like debt or basically, is not a nice person. His behaviour is emotionally abusive, unfair and patronising.