That we can afford the chicken!?

[hungryfordinner]

So I've had an argument with my husband and really need some independent perspective.

We are a family of three - me, husband and toddler

• we own our house outright (paid off last summer)!
• we both earn good salaries- after childcare we have about £5k per month to go towards living and saving. We each get £500 to cover tube transport / mobile / personal expenses, so £4000 is free. We are saving for an overseas home and our child's future. There is plenty in savings if we need it.

And yet- today I realised we had no meat in the fridge aside from some sausages, no vegetables apart from tomatoes; and we only get groceries on a Sunday. Not fancying sausages, I bought some chicken breasts in Sainsbury's for £6, and came home and made dinner for the three of us, using the tomatoes and pasta we already had.

I thought that my husband would be pleased I had dinner ready (Wednesday is my day off; he has Fridays off and never has dinner ready for me when I get home).

Well, he has come home and kicked off big time about me buying the chicken. Apparently we need to make what's in the fridge last a whole week, even if it means pesto pasta or tinned meals. And we shouldn't be eating so much meat.

We spend max £40 on food / nappies (his rule) per week and honestly it's driving me crazy. Yes- some people do this and manage fine. I get this. It's not impossible but it's not fun.

But AIBU to think that since we are in such a fortunate financial position, we can splash out on a bit of mid-week chicken? Why the need to control our existence in such a shitty way?

Wait - while I'm at it- a cleaner. I always said to him I want a cleaner when I am back at work. Our time together is too valuable to waste time cleaning. But nope. Instead I spent at least an hour of my day off cleaning skid marks that his disgusting mate had left in our family bathroom last night, scrubbing the rest of that bathroom down, vacuuming and mopping the ground floor, and doing laundry.

All while trying to entertain a toddler or get him to nap (bloody hard work).

On Saturdays we both do a full clean of the house, either while the child sleeps or if he won't sleep,!we take turns cleaning / entertaining child.

I'm sick of living such a miserly existence when we can well and truly afford to live a little!

Goodluck OP you need to be strong!

Think of you and your child’s future you can still be well off and miserable!

MrsGarethSouthgate. Many thanks for your comment saying that you felt the OP meant
it would be useful for other women as well as her, not instead.
I think that is an important point. I should have said that might be what she was saying. I agonised over it, and eventually was swayed because she said:
"I don't think my husband is actually being a fully abusive person, but is being entirely selfish and and single minded that he is "right" in trying to save the world one chicken breast at a time"
I found that to be a way of minimising his behaviour, even joking and making light of it, which was extremely jarring following the examples of behaviour she gave us in all the other things she had told us. I would have been better to use this paragraph to illustrate how I saw her changing her stance.

I decided, not lightly, to try and make her think hard before tonight. I think her situation is serious. This comes from the cases I have known which have not had as many events happen quite so close together as the OP has reported these things happening to her.

Most people find it terribly hard to take in that their partner is abusing them. But this OP is planning to have a confrontation, whatever she is calling it. She needs to have as clear a picture as one can give in this scenario. She has been getting feedback from so many experienced people, that is a really good thing. I am not sure whether she has told us all we need to try and help her. I'm not saying that she should say anything she does not want to say in a public forum! But there are the inconsistencies. He won't listen and buy enough cat food. So why will he listen tonight?

I have written a lot on this thread, developing and working through much, while she gave us more information. It is frustrating, trying to help someone in writing like this but I am only too glad she did write!
I wondered if it was a dramatisation but there is no way we shall know. I do know, having done Counselling, that people are unpredictable and fact is stranger than fiction! I think we shall all be praying for her tonight, however we "pray" we'll be thinking of her and desperately hoping she is ok.
Thanks again for making that important point and apologies that I didn't say it when I was going on about the OP's remarks earlier.

OP do you have access to the joint accounts via online banking or whatever?

missmouse101
You are very kind. I really appreciate you saying that. I was scared of all the people who would tell me how cruel I am.

I am desperately worried about this young mum. She really is in the clutches of a very manipulative and controlling cold-hearted and callous man. It's frightening to see her starting to make excuses for him such as he is saving the planet and then minimising it with a weak little joke. That makes my blood run cold. If she really means to try and talk to him it could cause any kind of horrible effect upon his attitude and how he treats her from now on. I would prefer her to carefully and secretly get her escape plan in place first and make sure she is financially secure, transferring her half of the savings money into her own savings account. She should go to the bank/building society on her next day off and ask to do this, even if it takes 90 days to effect
Thanks again. .

Sb74 . You speak such perfect good sense. Very thoughtful too.

Of course Ellyess, the first reaction when faced with people telling you the reality of your situation is indeed to minimise. And you're in the situation and can't believe that this is the case. Thus for many of us we wasted years on people when in actuality they had no capacity (or desire) to change and we should have ended things years before. Based on your knowledge you will of course already understand that it's an ongoing process of realisation which will involve small steps, possibly painfully small to start with, and with a bit of luck she'll gain some this evening when she talks to her DH. We can't force instant realisation much as we might wish we could.

I'm glad there are others who can't stop thinking about this thread!

The examples the OP have given are really disturbing but she doesn't seem to realise how far off normal this behaviour is. Most people would think anyone of those elements was totally unacceptable, but combined they paint a really worrying picture. Where is the OP's voice in this relationship? And whether or not he's a 'nice guy really' and whether or not he means to be abusive doesn't change the effect of what he's doing and how it makes you feel. I agree with the PP who said you can still be rich and miserable.

Sorry guys, I am listening. The discussion is not happening tonight because we already had an argument about some minor transgression, so we are not talking.

I'll be back later.

DointItForTheKids. Yes You are right, The fear I have is what he might do. I would like our OP to take on board the warnings and try and protect herself. If she listens to all the others she may be able to have a bit more insight about her situation. I fear that by gong too gently he will take advantage of that, especially the finances.
We will just have to keep our fingers crossed.....

Your minor transgression?

Oh OP this is such a sad thread please continue to read the posts on here really highlighting the situation for what it is

He is punishing you as well maybe for earning more amongst other things

Hmmm....😕

Do you ever find an opportunity to discuss how you want to live together?

Or is life just a series of transgressions of rules that he dreams up?

Oh god did you have the water too high in the bath!

This is rediculous sir the man down on YOUR terms not his and tell him this stops or he leaves and ends up with a lot less than a slightly higher water and electric bill!!!

Am I right that yet again he is telling you that you have been naughty over something
I'd be telling him that while we are having an arguement, you might as well know we are upping the food budget . There will be no fines ..

OP - have you checked the balance on the savings account recently?
Please arrange for more of your OWN money to be paid into your OWN account. I really worry for you.

I'd definitely bring it up now! Now is the perfect time to use his behaviour as an example.
Do you actually ever go a night without making a transgression in his eyes?

@Ellyess summed it up perfectly

I would guess that he has deliberately chastised you and caused an argument so that it prevents you both from having a rational discussion.

A discussion involving your views is probably the last thing he wants.

This is the Guardian article i was reading. It's about physical abuse, but I think the advice could still be relevant.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/mar/01/my-sister-is-being-abused-by-her-husband-what-can-i-do

Ellyess thank you yes it took me a few years to get out and then another 4 of court battles as he applied for full custody and did everything he could to try and send me over the edge, reporting me to social services for neglect and abuse, reporting me to the police for various vehicle related 'crimes', telling the GP that I'd caused her an infection, trying to turn nursery and later schools against me, telling a child psychologist that as our daughter picked up a black crayon to draw a picture of me, I was doing something sinister... The list goes on. He really was and is a hasty piece of work. When we were divorcing he hired a barrister for the financial bit but represented himself for the custody. Says it all really. I just wanted out and it didn't bother me if I had nothing except our safety.
He refuses to acknowledge her sexuality, refuses to cater for her veganism and still goes on about me owing him 'half the child benefit' even though he's never paid any maintenance (gave up his job and did the longest 'degree' ever - 7 years!) He also never buys her anything nor gives her any pocket money.

DoinItForTheKids my daughter is now 16, she can't remember her dad and I ever being together but he has tried to control her for years, and even now he won't buy her any food in his weekly shop (she stays with him for a week and then me for a week) so she spends her wages on food. I get her a food package deal thing to take with her to his so at least I know she's eating some proper meals in her time there. She has to wait for his wife to finish cooking the rest of the dinner before she can use the kitchen
I get the feeling that she would rather not spend time with him but she's worried about his other children who are younger, and I think she is still a little bit scared of him and will not stand up to him. Only another 18 months and she'll be 18 and the only time she'll have to see him is if she ever wants him to walk her down the aisle... Not likely.

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. £40 a week does not make for a good diet. That’s including lunches?

And the fines?! I can’t even imagine how you have ended up in this situation.

Good luck when you have the chat OP

hungryfordinner
I'm so sorry to hear there's been another upset but it might be a good thing not to have the discussion tonight.
I'd suggest in the day time is better. It gives you the chance to go out for a walk afterwards and get over it. If he upsets you it gives you time to recover before going to bed.
I do hope he isn't bullying you now.
Keep as calm as you can, remember you are a good, decent person, and you deserve respect. Don't put up with being treated like a child! But if he is rude to you or puts you down just say "I see you are not able to speak respectfully at the moment, I will come back when you can speak sensibly and politely" or words appropriate to what he is doing. It helps to think of him as a bad mannered 12 year old and you are his School Teacher!
Please take what we are telling you to heart. We know how hard it is and how much it is to take in. But please, believe us, we are serious about the things he does being abuse. It's hard to believe, but it is.
Thinking of you. Lots of love, Elle x

DoveofPiss it sounds awful for her. I have to say in some way things on my XHs case were worse since we divorced not because his behaviour got worse but because (unrealised by me prior to the start of the separation and divorce process) I realised that he was UTTERLY weak and that this weakness was something that had been masked by my influence and behaviours compensating for it throughout the marriage. Weak men are just as dangerous as violent, harsh, aggressive ones because their complete lack of interest and passive wetness allows and enables their children to be damaged comprehensively over a number of years. DD stopped going EOW at 11-12 yo after breaking down in the car at the moment we were supposed to swap her to her dad's vehicle, she just couldn't contemplate going there. She hardly ever sees him now because he's a useless twat who can't be bothered. Very sad.

Anyhoo, let's hope that OP has further chance to digest some of the comments on here quietly during the evening and maybe read up more and start to recognise the DHs behaviours for what they are and not try and rationalise them and hopefully starts slowly to gain understanding. It's not an instant process and she needs time to have a good think about things and digest things. I still have the odd epiphany and it's been years since the relationship! I suddenly, oh, now I understand what that was!

hungry use the time to sort out your finances - don't trust him to do right by you.

You use the word 'chastising' - even if that is 'only' a verbal thing it's still chilling and completely unacceptable in a marriage. I hope that posting on this thread will help you find the strength you need to leave this abusive man.

Not talking.. the silent treatment. That was one of my emotionally abusive ex’s most powerful tools!