That we can afford the chicken!?

[hungryfordinner]

So I've had an argument with my husband and really need some independent perspective.

We are a family of three - me, husband and toddler

• we own our house outright (paid off last summer)!
• we both earn good salaries- after childcare we have about £5k per month to go towards living and saving. We each get £500 to cover tube transport / mobile / personal expenses, so £4000 is free. We are saving for an overseas home and our child's future. There is plenty in savings if we need it.

And yet- today I realised we had no meat in the fridge aside from some sausages, no vegetables apart from tomatoes; and we only get groceries on a Sunday. Not fancying sausages, I bought some chicken breasts in Sainsbury's for £6, and came home and made dinner for the three of us, using the tomatoes and pasta we already had.

I thought that my husband would be pleased I had dinner ready (Wednesday is my day off; he has Fridays off and never has dinner ready for me when I get home).

Well, he has come home and kicked off big time about me buying the chicken. Apparently we need to make what's in the fridge last a whole week, even if it means pesto pasta or tinned meals. And we shouldn't be eating so much meat.

We spend max £40 on food / nappies (his rule) per week and honestly it's driving me crazy. Yes- some people do this and manage fine. I get this. It's not impossible but it's not fun.

But AIBU to think that since we are in such a fortunate financial position, we can splash out on a bit of mid-week chicken? Why the need to control our existence in such a shitty way?

Wait - while I'm at it- a cleaner. I always said to him I want a cleaner when I am back at work. Our time together is too valuable to waste time cleaning. But nope. Instead I spent at least an hour of my day off cleaning skid marks that his disgusting mate had left in our family bathroom last night, scrubbing the rest of that bathroom down, vacuuming and mopping the ground floor, and doing laundry.

All while trying to entertain a toddler or get him to nap (bloody hard work).

On Saturdays we both do a full clean of the house, either while the child sleeps or if he won't sleep,!we take turns cleaning / entertaining child.

I'm sick of living such a miserly existence when we can well and truly afford to live a little!

We probably average about 100 per week on shopping. 60-80 main shop then top ups. We also have an income thats maybe a quarter of yours. You can definitely afford the chicken, and you are also being financially abused. Please try to think about leaving him, I could not live this way.

Money does give you the right to buy whatever food you fancy eating as long as you can afford it though.

Op you really don't want your son growing up thinking this is normal. It's so dysfunctional.

Since being divorced and having my own place it has been amazing to just buy the foods I want.

Exh was not quite like this but he was a. Obsessed with paying off the mortgage and b. Very keen to scrutinise and limit the food budget. I wasn't allowed to just buy what I wanted or to have takeaways. I did get the "we can't eat meat every day" thing too, not from an ethical pov either. And "we have to go to Lidl" even though i have a bad back and can't pack in Lidl.

Now I am free from that although actually it turns out I'm quite economical with shopping and cooking!

Oh there were warning signs before marriage and kids. I once bought some (cheap) pate with the thought of making sandwiches but ate some of it at home. He was very difficult about this and said "it can't just be your own private source of food" - I wasn't stopping him having any!

However much money you have or don't have, the point is that what you spend it on is your choice, if you've earned it. Your choice may not be wise but that's nobody else's concern.

As a family you can choose to save for things, budget carefully, be economic with energy usage, whatever, so long as you're both willing to do so. Where one party imposes that on the other, to the extent of punishing other for non-compliance with the unilaterally imposed financial and energy usage restrictions then it becomes coercive control. Thank goodness that these days that's against the law and is becoming much more widely recognised.

This isn't about chicken, or how much you spend, it's about one partner forcing the other into behaviours they are unhappy with.

So let's stop banging on about chicken or pesto and help OP figure out how to stop this awful situation happening to her.

hungryfordinner And others
Please may I point out:

It’s always interesting to discuss why a person indulges in aberrant or weird or abusive behaviour. We naturally try to understand people and what “makes them tick.”

It is very important to remember that when somebody is being abused we must not be distracted by questions about the Abuser. Their background or motivation is not the focus of our interest and will not help the Victim by being discussed even if we think we understand it.

The only concern here is the abuse. Hungryfordinner is in a very abusive situation and so is her son. She needs to understand she is being abused, keep a record of all the abuse, do what she needs to do to protect herself, her child and her interests, especially making sure her money, house and any other joint property is not anywhere that the abuser can gain access to it without her signature. She needs to get legal advice, open her own savings account and put her share of the money in it and check that the house is in equal ownership. I would look at Life Insurance Policies too and if possible write her life insurance policy so that in the event of her death the proceeds go to her son only and can only be used to his benefit. Just to be on the safe side. The Citizens Advice people would help her.

appointmentsaretheworst. That is so true! It's one of the most serious aspects of this abuse. This little boy is growing up seeing women/mothers/wives are subordinates whom men/daddies/husbands treat as stupid servants whom they order around and punish and humiliate.

Paper. I think you’re out of order. It’s quite obvious that this is a controlling abusive man here

Agree... Paper. Before sanctimoniously advocating the merits of frugality, and in so doing undermining the notion that the OP is experiencing financial abuse, RTFT.... If you still feel that way, maybe you could give the OP your contact details so you can shack up with the OPs DH should she leave him, and both be miserable together gazing at lovingly at your growing bank balance as you sit in your threadbare clothes in your cold, dark house, hungry after your dinner of value baked beans.

Paperplain I think you aren't using the resources you have at hand wisely mainly your brain and heart! Good grief reread this woman's posts and even a child can spot the unreasonableness and controlling nature of this woman's husband

My mum had a friend with a husband like this 40 years ago. He wouldn't let her putting the heating on until he got home from work of an evening, insisted nothing was wasted - even fat and gristle off the meat. She used to tell me stories of her friend having to open the windows with the kids 15 mins before hubby got home from work to let the house get cold so he wouldn't know they'd had the heating on and making a pie with a portion all gristle for him so nothing was wasted.

At the time I didn't understand why she'd continue to live like this. As I got older I realised she was a SAHM and he had the money and she likely felt she had no choice. Then last year I realised I'd begun to live like this with my husband. I wasn't a SAHM and I earned enough to go it alone. It still took me 6 months to get angry enough to ask him to leave. I hate confrontation!

We are in the process of divorcing and I am temporarily living with my parents (will be out of here in 6 weeks!!!) They have been really kind.

It is such a HUGE HUGE relief to be out of that melting point of frustration and my failing to meet his standards. Honestly I feel so light. My 8 year old DD is also feeling better, eating better, enjoying life more, laughing more.. Yes she was upset for a few weeks but she very quickly felt better.

I'd encourage you to really consider asking him to leave - at least for a bit - so you can start to see the wood without all his huge trees in the way!

No more kids with this scrooge, divorce and make sure to take your money. He’s hiding sonething or something is fishy.

oh dear op this isnt normal-i mean its great you paid off you mortgage but at what cost living in a an abusive controlling marriage

he fines you? so your baby doesnt need formula does he not-the mans a nutter he can live like this alone if he likes but shouldnt doit to others especially his wife and child

and sorry i dont quite get we get 500 each-from where-i mean the savings?

your commute shouldnt be out of personal expense money

hungryfordinner
I just got an email from a Christian website I subscribe to. The main content is amazingly apt for your husband! It isn't a bible quotation and is suitable for all religions or people who do not follow a religion:

A study by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania and University of California Los Angeles wanted to find out, "if you had to choose between more time and more money, what would it be?" While they found most respondents answered, "more money", they also found that those who preferred "more time" were generally happier! When I read this article, it reminded me of a story, that I'd like to share.

A wealthy businessman was shocked to see a fisherman sitting beside his boat, playing with a small child. So the businessman asked, "Why aren't you out fishing?" The fisherman replied, "Because I've caught enough fish for one day." "Why don't you catch some more?" the businessman further inquired.

"What would I do with them?" asked the fisherman. "You could earn more money," said the businessman. "Then with the extra money, you could buy a bigger boat, go into deeper waters, and catch more fish. Then you would make enough money to buy nylon nets. With the nets, you could catch even more fish and make more money. With that money you could own two boats, maybe three boats. Eventually you could have a whole fleet of boats and be rich like me."

"Then what would I do?" replied the fisherman. "Then you could really enjoy life," answered the businessman. The fisherman looked at the businessman quizzically and asked, "What do you think I'm doing now?"

I would add to that the fact that he is enjoying the child while he is young and not wasting those precious years which you never get back, just trying to make money!

@Ellyess I have no idea what your post has to with OP's situation

Yes, missed the point there.

@TheCreativeLife

I think she's implying that the OP's husband needs to learn the lesson that money isn't everything and they should prioritise quality of life in order to be happy.

If it was just the first post, I'd say it's a pretty good lesson to teach him however the updates make it clear he's a twat. The fines are disgusting. There's no redeeming this absolute twunt of a man.

Inspirational posts like this fuck me off though because I tend to think the people that prioritise money in these studies do so because they lack enough money to give them more time. I'd answer money for many reasons, one of which being so I can afford to start a family now and have more time with them.

@SmartGoblin, yes, had it been in reference to the first post only. And even then, there are red flags waving to me.

I get the message, just don't think it applies here. And these overly simplistic, cliched "stories" fuck me off too.

TheCreativeLife
ShartGoblin. Has got it dead right. If this terrible man read that he might understood that life is for living, good food is for enjoyment and nutrition, having a Cleaner when you work is so the precious time you have with your child is for enjoying... Not that you ignore all the wonderful things in life, live as if you are on a starvation diet and treat your family as if you are allowed to punish them and set unreasonable rules so their lives are a misery... while you squirrel away money for some time later- who the hell knows when?

Also I completely endorse ShartGoblin's conclusion that;
he's a twat. The fines are disgusting. There's no redeeming this absolute twunt
Thanks Shart Goblin!

Also @TheCreativeLife have you bothered to read my other posts of which there are many? I explained very clearly from the first and from then on at length that what he is doing is abuse. So don't just come in suddenly and pick on one thing and think you know it all.

Oh and ShartGoblin if the "Inspirational Post" doesn't apply to you don't take any notice of it! It was just that it was so apt for a man not spending money when he had plenty and making his family's life unhappy in the process. It seemed such a coincidence that it was on today's message, which actually went on to talk about other circumstances like when you haven't got enough etc.
Sorry you aren't able to afford to start a family now. That's hard. I do hope things turn around for you soon. But don't take things like the story above to heart please - it was only to illustrate the stupidity of the OP's awful husband. Plus your comment is brilliant!

@Ellysess Yup, have read your other posts and (if you had read my first post you'd have known) I just found your story to be off the mark in this instance, As I said I have no idea what your post has to with OP's situation

I think this man is probably incapable of reading your post and understand that life is for living, good food is for enjoyment and nutrition, having a Cleaner when you work is so the precious time you have with your child is for enjoying

This man is abusing his wife. She has called him out on it and he punishes her further. To think that he might see the light as a result of reading your post is ludicrous.

TheCreativeLife. Did I say it would? If you read my other posts you'd see that I have advised the OP not to try and discuss the main issues (how much money she pays the joint account) with him as he will not be reasonable. I would print out the story I found in my inbox today and leave it for him to see.

Once I left a message on the table for my husband who had been very angry because I had bought a dolls' house for our youngest daughter. Her sisters, then in their teens, had never had one because whenever they asked for one he said he was going to build one as the shop ones were too expensive.If I dared mention it he would angrily say "I'll do it when I have time." I wrote on the note, "I have bought the Dolls' House. (my money) The children's lives are happening now."

I was surprised that he remained quiet about it. No more nasty comments about the dolls' house or any spiteful things said to me. I think for once it sank in.

Completely agree. Unfortunately, I know from first hand experience that controlling, abusive people are unable and unwilling to change and very often in denial of their issues. Their personality is fundamentally flawed and dysfunctional and they are very irrational people. I was with a man for four years that was mentally abusive and controlling. It grinds you down and knocks your confidence. It’s important to accept his behaviour is wrong op and he will not change. The only way forward is to get out. It’s a hard and scary decision but it’s the only one that will allow a happy life free from abuse. I left 3 times before I went for good. These people are good at manipulating so it’s hard to leave but you have to really think about it op for yours and your child’s sake. I’m sorry if all this is upsetting but I hope you realise how wrong your situation is. Xx

I was agreeing with creativelife.