That we can afford the chicken!?

[hungryfordinner]

So I've had an argument with my husband and really need some independent perspective.

We are a family of three - me, husband and toddler

• we own our house outright (paid off last summer)!
• we both earn good salaries- after childcare we have about £5k per month to go towards living and saving. We each get £500 to cover tube transport / mobile / personal expenses, so £4000 is free. We are saving for an overseas home and our child's future. There is plenty in savings if we need it.

And yet- today I realised we had no meat in the fridge aside from some sausages, no vegetables apart from tomatoes; and we only get groceries on a Sunday. Not fancying sausages, I bought some chicken breasts in Sainsbury's for £6, and came home and made dinner for the three of us, using the tomatoes and pasta we already had.

I thought that my husband would be pleased I had dinner ready (Wednesday is my day off; he has Fridays off and never has dinner ready for me when I get home).

Well, he has come home and kicked off big time about me buying the chicken. Apparently we need to make what's in the fridge last a whole week, even if it means pesto pasta or tinned meals. And we shouldn't be eating so much meat.

We spend max £40 on food / nappies (his rule) per week and honestly it's driving me crazy. Yes- some people do this and manage fine. I get this. It's not impossible but it's not fun.

But AIBU to think that since we are in such a fortunate financial position, we can splash out on a bit of mid-week chicken? Why the need to control our existence in such a shitty way?

Wait - while I'm at it- a cleaner. I always said to him I want a cleaner when I am back at work. Our time together is too valuable to waste time cleaning. But nope. Instead I spent at least an hour of my day off cleaning skid marks that his disgusting mate had left in our family bathroom last night, scrubbing the rest of that bathroom down, vacuuming and mopping the ground floor, and doing laundry.

All while trying to entertain a toddler or get him to nap (bloody hard work).

On Saturdays we both do a full clean of the house, either while the child sleeps or if he won't sleep,!we take turns cleaning / entertaining child.

I'm sick of living such a miserly existence when we can well and truly afford to live a little!

@Bluesmartiesarebest that was my first thought

hungryfordinner
PLEASE
listen to
:Bluesmartiesarebest on Fri 01-Mar-19 11:16:18

Copy out what she said and learn it by heart because she is right!

Oh for goodness sake. All this "I couldn't like like that" and "abuse". All he's saying is use up what you have before you buy more. I agree. Just because you have money doesn't mean you shouldn't be sensible and use up what you have before you buy more.

paper so fining your wife isn't abusive now????

Paperplain he fined her for daring to buy some chicken. That is abuse.

Have you actually RTFT?

oh ok then @Paperplain, how would you feel about being fined for boiling too much water in the kettle, or finding you have no protein to feed your child at dinner time.

Do you really think this is "sensible" behaviour?

I don't. I really don't.

I am the wife!? Ha.

How ridiculous, you two need to 'get a life'!!

I think the first thing you should do is arrange to have your salary paid into your own account from now on - not the joint account. It seems that you have essentially lost access to your own money, which has taken away your freedom and choices.

And no. I haven't read all the thread so will do so now. But i do find as a general rule there isn't a human right to eat chicken instead of pasta pesto.

@paperplain quite right. However it is a human right to go to the shop and buy some chicken because you want to and you can afford it, without being punished by your H for doing so.

Just had a busy day, up early with my baby, now at work and can't respond quickly. Thanks for all the wonderful support here. I really appreciate it.

I was crying while holding my son this morning, and that made him laugh hysterically, so I'm hoping that he's not a sociopath in the making (kidding - it was really cute and he made me smile).

X

Because people can afford to do things doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. Agree with the punishment aspect but frankly we all need to look at our behaviours and think about waste. Surely?!

@paperplain it is however a human right to buy what you like if you can easily afford it, without getting punished or fined.

iamyourequal. That's ok! Please don't worry! I do hope you are feeling much better.
Actually a cynical or disbelieving response to the victim of this type of abuser is quite a normal reaction! I was abused too so identified with the OP because keeping me without money was a huge part of my abuser's cruelty. But most of what I write comes from having studied Psychology after the abuse. I first did a degree, then two post grad qualifications. A car crash and disability forced early retirement and I began to help with a Charity. It was then that I learned so much about this kind of controlling, coercive, cruel abuse. It is almost always recognised as a form of Narcissism, whether the abuser is extrovert or introvert. The name isn't important though, it's the abuse that matters, and OP needs to keep a record of it. I would like her to start learning about her rights and recognising her husband's abuse. Therefore I have called it Narcissist, probably Covert type, because she will find internet help under this heading.
Please don't worry about being sceptical. A bit of healthy scepticism is useful. I was not upset. I think it's kind of you to explain to the OP.

No actually it's not. Are you saying money gives you the right to buy anything?! Off tangent I agree. But interesting viewpoint.

I don’t understand your last message op
Can you explain

@Paperplain Agree with the punishment aspect

And finally the penny drops.

Yes I am saying that! Why is it OK for someone else to tell you how to spend (or not spend) your own money?

Fuck that shit. Get your cleaner, buy your chicken. Fuck it, buy foie gras! It’s your money, what right does he have to tell you how to spend it?! If he doesn’t like it, he can leave. Or you should - I witnessed this kind of miserliness in my own DF while I was growing up, and it just made everything miserable. If you’re able to save for a rainy day and still have a truly disposable income, then it is perfectly reasonable to dispose of it on things that will improve the quality of your day to day life. You’re clearly not talking about frittering it away.

All he's saying is use up what you have before you buy more

But he's not saying that at all. He's saying don't even think of buying it in the first place.

Hungry
You are not British, is your DH?

I am not from UK originally and before moving here I had never experienced the kind of hold on the finances and obsession with material security as my DH has, culturally it was a completely new phenomena for me, so I was in shock and at a loss not sure how to deal with it(though some things have changed in his attitude over the years for the better due to my influence).

scubadive. . I cried as I read your heartbreaking story. Yes - so like mine. I am so terribly sorry you suffered at the hands of this evil self-serving cruel man. I've spent a lot of time reading letters of distress from people going through what you and I suffered. I have just stopped working with a charity. It is overwhelming just how many women are controlled by men like this.

You are wonderful to bravely tell your story and try and prevent this happening in another girl's life. I feel helpless because I still suspect the OP cannot take in just how serious a problem she has with this man. She really does need to leave now. I expect that there are other shocks in store for her if she actually finds out what her husband is doing. For me, despite that my husband had a good salary, never gave me a penny, and I worked all hours God made, we were always poor! I was always having to find some money somehow - by taking another job usually. I have no idea what he did with his money. It is a mystery. Other people in his job lived normal lives!
I too lost the chance of a pension. The OP must get her life and finances completely under her own control where her H has no access to them. She needs to do this immediately.
Bless you Scubadive! I do hope you have some joy in your life!

Paper. I think you’re out of order. It’s quite obvious that this is a controlling abusive man here. I was married to one. You are missing the point of people’s concerns. The chicken is not the point. Might have seemed that way, even to the op at first but the controlling behaviour is worrying. This is an unhealthy situation and I hope the OP is brave enough to tackle this. Paper, fold yourself into a plane and fly away if you’ve nothing useful to say.

@sb74 well said. Thank you