That we can afford the chicken!?

[hungryfordinner]

So I've had an argument with my husband and really need some independent perspective.

We are a family of three - me, husband and toddler

• we own our house outright (paid off last summer)!
• we both earn good salaries- after childcare we have about £5k per month to go towards living and saving. We each get £500 to cover tube transport / mobile / personal expenses, so £4000 is free. We are saving for an overseas home and our child's future. There is plenty in savings if we need it.

And yet- today I realised we had no meat in the fridge aside from some sausages, no vegetables apart from tomatoes; and we only get groceries on a Sunday. Not fancying sausages, I bought some chicken breasts in Sainsbury's for £6, and came home and made dinner for the three of us, using the tomatoes and pasta we already had.

I thought that my husband would be pleased I had dinner ready (Wednesday is my day off; he has Fridays off and never has dinner ready for me when I get home).

Well, he has come home and kicked off big time about me buying the chicken. Apparently we need to make what's in the fridge last a whole week, even if it means pesto pasta or tinned meals. And we shouldn't be eating so much meat.

We spend max £40 on food / nappies (his rule) per week and honestly it's driving me crazy. Yes- some people do this and manage fine. I get this. It's not impossible but it's not fun.

But AIBU to think that since we are in such a fortunate financial position, we can splash out on a bit of mid-week chicken? Why the need to control our existence in such a shitty way?

Wait - while I'm at it- a cleaner. I always said to him I want a cleaner when I am back at work. Our time together is too valuable to waste time cleaning. But nope. Instead I spent at least an hour of my day off cleaning skid marks that his disgusting mate had left in our family bathroom last night, scrubbing the rest of that bathroom down, vacuuming and mopping the ground floor, and doing laundry.

All while trying to entertain a toddler or get him to nap (bloody hard work).

On Saturdays we both do a full clean of the house, either while the child sleeps or if he won't sleep,!we take turns cleaning / entertaining child.

I'm sick of living such a miserly existence when we can well and truly afford to live a little!

Sod having a chicken stir fry with no chicken?!!! Not great nutritionally for a growing toddler either.

Honestly OP, this thread is going from bad to worse. Why are you allowing him to dictate to you like this?!

I'd order the biggest fattest takeaway for you both tonight and eat it in front of him while a cleaner cleans your house. Should get the message across nicely.

OP I haven't RTFL as it's mahoosive, so apologies if this has been raised upthread!

Do you check your (and his) finances regularly?
Do you have joint bank account?

I just recall a post a while back (or read somewhere) where a DH had been squirrelling money away for years with the intention of eventually leaving.

Sorry to be so alarmist, but this was the first thing that sprang to my mind unfortunately.

Wow. What @niceneen said.

I didn't realise how bad things were OP.

So you are spending 1% of your income on food????

Emoconn, not entire income - 1% of disposable income.
This is very difficult reading...

Just as a contrast in terms of income versus food bill.. I’m a single mum on disability benefits, plus maintenance for the children; my food / household budget for myself, 2ds’s, and 2 dcats is £60-80 per week. Usually I spend the bottom end of that on an online delivery, then 1-2 circa £10 top ups through the week. Eating good food, and enjoyable food, is a priority.

Having lived with a financially controlling man, I’d bet your “d”h is controlling in other ways as well. In my case it was as addiction and debt spiralled and he had to try harder and harder to hide it. Just a warning.

Why are you putting up with this OP? - he is treating you like a small child!

You need to cancel your salary transfers to his the "joint" account and put it into your own account. Never pay another "fine" - TBH I have never read anything so abusive than this fine system. Tell him that you are not paying any money unless you get an equal say in how it is spent.

OP your "D"H is totally financially abusive. It sounds crazy to us because it is crazy. Your DH is a big hypocrite. You are saving towards his "wants" - a very un-environmentally friendly holiday home but he is not allowing you to live and even eat normally? Is this what you want your kids to learn about relationships? That adults withhold normal food from other adults? You really need to call Women's Aid as it seems like you have been brainwashed into thinking that this happens in normal relationships!

I'm guessing the OP is at work today and unable to respond. Friday is her DH's day off. Wonder if he's managed to cook dinner for her without spending a penny.

Hope you are ok OP. Just adding to the many posts you've had saying this is so far from normal or ok.

Op your husband is a control freak and abusive. I was married to a controlling, abusive man. I think you need to have a serious discussion with him, which will probably be impossible, and suggest counselling. If he won’t go then I’m not sure where that leaves you. You need to think of your child (and you) growing up in such an unhealthy and potentially abusive environment. I hope you are ok? It’s easy to get sucked into thinking things are not as bad as they are. I think you need to be very brave and consider what’s best for your future here. Xx good luck.

Oh what a thief of joy. I’d have told him to fuck right off and carry on fucking off. Carbon footprint of meat my arse. He’s just a miserable, cheap twat.

You know what on second thoughts you are both right to be disciplined and have a plan for your life. Sacrifice a bit now to be well off later. Well done to you both even if its hard for a while. I wish I was a bit more like that

To be honest, I'm also married to a man who lives for the future, and we have paid off our mortgage and have loads of savings through having no life, not going on holiday (not going anywhere), not ever eating out, drinking etc etc. He only believes in spending money on property (but not furnishing the property, unless it's from a skip/auction) and his sport, but he left it to me(I cook and shop for cooking) to set the food budget and he finds the idea of saving at the cost of sacrificing good nutrition appalling, esp if you have children.
It runs in his family where there were definitely mental health issues, and his grandfather had something approximating this system of fines with his wife. Grandfather was investing all his life in precious, expensive, but fragile stuff(can't say what, too outing), which got damaged and had to be thrown away after his death.
MIL shudders talking about her childhood but says it hurts her to spend money and doesn't allow FIL to turn the heating on to have a shower, he's only allowed to use a high wattage reflective lightbulb to heat the bathroom 🙄. They also paid off their mortgage early and have a rental, but have no friends or family they are friendly with. They now go on cruises to get some socializing (and to get some decent food and heating, I suspect). So they did start spending these enormous amounts on cruises in later life, but in their outside of cruises existence they are still stupendously frugal in small things which make all the difference (though buy only brand new cars etc)
Anyway, what I am trying to say - it's a mental health issue, a very strong in OP's case. All talk and resistance usually leads to enormous conflict, which is even more traumatic than this reduced life. If you don't want or can't divorce the only solution is an independent bank account and organising spending how you see fit without his knowledge. However with control of lighting, heating and food at home this doesn't appear to be possible. OP, don't have another child with him 😞, then you will never get out.

OMG OP, I'm reading through this with rising alarm. You earn your own money but this man thinks it's ok to forbid you to spend it on food and fines you when you do?!

This is HORRIBLE, it's NOT normal and it HAS TO STOP. RIGHT NOW.

You just have to lay it on the line. This isn't about finding a compromise, it's about telling him straight that you and your child just are NOT living like this for a second longer.

Honestly, I'm in the LTB camp because I can't see a man like that realising the error of his regime, but at the very least you need to go to counselling.

@Mumoflove WTAF? OP is living in a prison!

Good luck OP. Really, honestly, this is not the way to live

... I mean HOW can he fine you?? Under what jurisdiction?? That really is in the abuse spectrum, surely you can see that? Being punished for doing something perfectly normal, that you have the absolute right to do? Good god.

I hope you come back OP and keep us updated. I’m sorry some people have been harsh and I think they fact you have come back and been apologetic rather than attempting to stand up for yourself speaks volumes as to the life you have been living with your H. You seem lovely and you and your child deserve better. I transferred the last £10 from my savings account today so my dc can enjoy a nice home cooked meal rather than some pasta with a spoon of pesto for their Friday night dinner. Can’t even imagine in your position having to eat tinned foods or plain pasta.

rememberatime. I am with you. I am so sorry to hear how you went through all that torturous misery. I have read the messages which say he can't make you pay a fine or words to that effect but I know very well, as you have said, that if you cross them they will make your life so terrible it will be untenable.

I am so very sorry you had to go through it. I think maybe it takes experiencing it to believe that it can really happen. That is why I am supporting the OP. I think your observation that it is the tip of the iceberg is very astute. A person who thinks up all this monetary control and issues fines to his wife and repeatedly doesn't buy enough cat food despite her telling him... these are very big red flags of a manipulative, controlling and coercive person. We need to stand by the OP, possibly for quite a while or until she can get other help.

I think it best she does not confront him but plays it cool and begins to arrange her own rescue strategy, starting with ensuring she has access to her savings and they are safe from his reach. What did you do to find a safe way out?
I do hope you are truly free now and you and the children are happy.

I’d be gone long since! The hell would I pay a fine in my own home!

I feel for you OP, and particularly for your growing child- at this BLW stage he/she needs to experience a wide variety of tastes and textures in order to build a healthy, joyful relationship with food for the rest of their life. Or end up like their father who would exist on tins and packets...
Also- it would be far better if your wages went straight into your personal bank account with a chunk being transferred regularly to the joint account for joint expenses. Then you have more say in where your hard-earned money goes and your personal account is something he has NO CONTROL over)!

He will be the richest man in the graveyard, such a shame.

There is a balance between tight and wasteful.

“£6 is a lot for chicken for four people!”

Really? At our Aldi that’s a kilo of chicken breast, so 250g each, hardly pushing the boat out.
Whole chicken complete waste of money in our house, half the family won’t eat skin, dark meat and the dog can’t eat the bones, so a lot of unuseable bits.

You have 2 choices, op:

1. Put up with financial abuse and be miserable

1. Get divorced and live a normal life

Going to counselling won’t work because he would use it to manipulate you further. Talking to him won’t help because he’s abusive and controlling.

My advice would be to get copies of all the financial information before you get legal advice because he will hide money or suddenly ‘lose’ most of his savings to avoid paying maintenance.

@Mumoflove are you the op’s Scrooge husband?

Booboo66 I love what you said! You're a lovely mum too!
I think OP may be such a lovely person, caring about other people so well and thoughtfully, that she does not look after her own interests.

(Btw, I don't know why I had a message removed, I am only speaking in support of the OP and haven't been rude to anyone. I said my rudest thing early on and it was accepted. I'm mystified... Maybe I double-posted something? I was getting tired & had headache...)

To return to helping the OP: I didn't even know I was allowed to look after my own interests for years! I had a weird mother and grew up pleasing her then married a Covert Narcissist older man. I was depressed and frightened all the time. He ruled over me with many subtle and cunning coercive cruel ways. But I only learned about what had happened to me long after he died. I knew he was not normal of course.
Now we know a lot more, thank God, and people like the OP stand a chance of saving themselves before she spends her life being ruled like this and suffering more of these distressing incidents. I worry about how he will escalate his treatment of her.

hungryfordinner. I would really like you to put yourself and your son's interests before your husband's unreasonable demands. I see a lot of my younger self in you. You don't even have to apologise to people here who are rude to you on this discussion either. If they don't understand they should ask you to explain, not be abusive. You do not deserve abuse. You are clearly a kind person. Time to be kind to yourself!