That we can afford the chicken!?

[hungryfordinner]

So I've had an argument with my husband and really need some independent perspective.

We are a family of three - me, husband and toddler

• we own our house outright (paid off last summer)!
• we both earn good salaries- after childcare we have about £5k per month to go towards living and saving. We each get £500 to cover tube transport / mobile / personal expenses, so £4000 is free. We are saving for an overseas home and our child's future. There is plenty in savings if we need it.

And yet- today I realised we had no meat in the fridge aside from some sausages, no vegetables apart from tomatoes; and we only get groceries on a Sunday. Not fancying sausages, I bought some chicken breasts in Sainsbury's for £6, and came home and made dinner for the three of us, using the tomatoes and pasta we already had.

I thought that my husband would be pleased I had dinner ready (Wednesday is my day off; he has Fridays off and never has dinner ready for me when I get home).

Well, he has come home and kicked off big time about me buying the chicken. Apparently we need to make what's in the fridge last a whole week, even if it means pesto pasta or tinned meals. And we shouldn't be eating so much meat.

We spend max £40 on food / nappies (his rule) per week and honestly it's driving me crazy. Yes- some people do this and manage fine. I get this. It's not impossible but it's not fun.

But AIBU to think that since we are in such a fortunate financial position, we can splash out on a bit of mid-week chicken? Why the need to control our existence in such a shitty way?

Wait - while I'm at it- a cleaner. I always said to him I want a cleaner when I am back at work. Our time together is too valuable to waste time cleaning. But nope. Instead I spent at least an hour of my day off cleaning skid marks that his disgusting mate had left in our family bathroom last night, scrubbing the rest of that bathroom down, vacuuming and mopping the ground floor, and doing laundry.

All while trying to entertain a toddler or get him to nap (bloody hard work).

On Saturdays we both do a full clean of the house, either while the child sleeps or if he won't sleep,!we take turns cleaning / entertaining child.

I'm sick of living such a miserly existence when we can well and truly afford to live a little!

Our savings are in a joint account, thankfully

So spend it on chicken and steak once a week...

Can you access these savings?what abput your salary?
Have it go to your own account and buy the food you want
And pay a solicitor to advis e you

OP! Why are you ignoring what everyone is saying? How can you continue to live like this, I am beginning to think this can't be true as you don't seem to be addressing anything. It's obviously abusive to live like this, are you understanding this? What are you going to do? Are you going to stand up for yourself? Your child?

Are you afraid of him hungryfordinner?
I decided not to @you because the level of control you’re describing makes me wonder whether he’d check your emails too.

Calculating his £40 a week budget to you daily amount. He expects you to spend less than that packet if chicken per day. That is not possible to feed 3 people on less than £2 per head and factor in nappies etc your talking more £1.50 if your lucky. Take your half of the savings and run.

@Ellyess and OP. Forgive me for my earlier, cynical post casting doubt on authenticity. I’m sorry, I’ve had a stressful day (no excuse I know). I’ve been in both controlling and abusive relationships in the past so should know better.
I hope that you take something from this thread OP. I’m never much one for the ‘LTB’ philosophy. But you really need to have a frank discussion with you DH about your ‘budgeting’ and anything else that might be going on in an effort to get it sorted out now. Otherwise the future is sadly looking really miserable. Take care.

Wow you poor thing, your poor baby :(

We earn considerably less then you, and spend roughly double what you do. We don't have much in the way of savings & honestly could do with cutting back, but honestly if I spent any less, my children would not be getting a healthy balanced diet & I would feel guilty that I'm failing them.

I don't understand why a father with £4000 a month spare, why he wouldn't want to give his child, his family the best he can give? Which is bloody worth more then £40 a week!

And as a mother I'm confused to why you would allow him to treat you and your child like this?

I can only imagine fear, in which case search up on here, there's lots of threads that can help.

If your not scared you have no excuse to be living like this.

Good luck and I really hope you sort this out x

And what happens if you refuse to pay a fine? Seriously OP this is not right.

This is very wrong. Men like this are usually hiding something. Perhaps you only think you are all solvent? He has no right to determine what food to buy. Nutrition is health and important if you are not all to end up suffering malnutrition. Meat has certain food values not contained in other foods like essential amino acids and you would do well to read up on basic nutrition. You should both sit down and work out the finances together so that you know at any time just what is going where and what is staying in the bank It is unreasonable for him to act in this way over chicken: lobster I can understand, but chicken? Nor is it reasonable for you to accept his rule about what to spend on food. It is not in his interest to skimp over food because he needs to stay healthy to maintain his position and it will help neither of you if he falls sick or puts on weight eating cheap food. If he refuses to budge then you should think seriously about whether the union is right for you, because this is not at all right. If you were spending money on lobster and stuff like that which has no more food value in it than chicken, then he would have some little right to say so, but he has no right to limit your diet and that of your toddler to his own ignorance. I spend more on my groceries than you, spread over a month and there is only me on a pension.

What you should be considering is not the measly £6 for the chicken, but if you are giving all three of you the right nutrition for your ages. When my children were at home they had a good balanced diet. They were never - or now - overweight. I did not have a lot of money, but they had activities and activity holidays which they would not have been able to do on pasta. Money was only important in reference to what you could do with it. A well balanced and nutritious diet was the next in importance after a roof over your heads. It seems to me unlikely that your husband does not consider that important, so there may be another angle to his protests. He may be spending money elsewhere. Does he gamble? You will have to pluck up the courage and ask him.

This thread is jaw dropping. OP, this is not normal. Adults in normal relationships don't "fine" each other for boiling a kettle. It's ok to buy lunch at work in your financial position.

Yes, you've paid off a whopping mortgage in no time. But what sort of life are you living?

Poor you, this sounds like an awful situation. It sounds like you will find the conversation hard, but there are so many reasons to have it. As well as your sanity and freedom, and your and your child's health now, there's also your child in the future - when they start wanting things or if they leave a light on, break something, lose something, how do you want to react, and your DH to react? As well as discussing it with him, is there anyone from your family and friends who might be able to help make him see that this is not normal? Saving the planet together, great, saving money together, fine if you need to, but making decisions together is the most important thing

Personally I think that's utterly ridiculous. Great to have savings and look ahead, but not to the detriment of the here and now. Sounds a miserable existence. I wonder if there is something in his background that causes him to fear the rug being pulled from under him at any moment, that would explain his attitude. If that is the case then I do feel for him, but it doesn't change the fact that you are both working hard and focusing on a possible future to the cost of your present.

If it were me, I'd be saying that as I contribute a great deal to the family finances, and we are in a fortunate position, I want to take advantage of that and permit myself a few 'luxuries' such as a cleaner, or some mid-week chicken. If it bothers him that much, pay it out of your own income. That is on the assumption that you are actually permitted to have some separate money available.

Surely he'd rather do something other than cleaning on his day off. Sounds like potential controlling or co-dependency type behaviour going on. We die once,and that might be tomorrow when we encounter the proverbial bus. Presumably your funerals are paid for. You live and make choices every day till then, so why not enjoy your financial freedom and actually do some living rather than existing and planning.

BPIROCKIN absolutely,

Oh op, this is no way to live. Do two things this weekend please - plan to change your salary into your own account in just your name. You don’t have to confront your dh to do this.
And take a good look at your ds. These first years of his life go by so quickly. He learns so so much every day. Let what he learns be from good role models, and feed him a healthy varied diet so he has all the right nutrients feeding and supporting his neural and physical growth. You are very lucky to be able to afford it- make sure your dh isn’t stunting your sons life and development from birth by his examples, how he treats you and his budgets. You can make choices too op; your son can’t. Use that as motivation.

Since we got a smart meter, my husband sometimes moans if I have a very long shower, or put the heating on during the day when it’s cold - because now he can see exactly how much it is costing.

My response is usually short, sharp and ending in “off” with an offer to get my purse out to cover the perceived excess. DH realises he’s being an idiot and shuts up.

Honestly OP, you do need to work out why you can’t have this kind of exchange with your husband. It’s healthy and normal to be able to point out to each other when we’re being twats without it descending into WW3.

“I fancied chicken for tea tonight, what’s the problem?” is as far as that conversation should have gone.

As a long term reader of AIBU posts I signed up properly to MN tonight just so I could leave a comment on this thread. I’m so worried about you @hungryfordinner. It’s like you have Stockholm Syndrome and have lost all objectivity about the reality of your situation. I truly hope that seeing everyone’s comments on here will give you the strength to get out of there and reset your compass. Your husband has no inkling that the way he behaves is wrong because nothing stands in his way. He is steamrollering over you and your child and escalating in a really scary way. Fining you for boiling water? Not allowing lights to be switched on? This is not about being careful or frugal.. this is obsessive control and coercion which will only get worse. The plan for future homes or holidays is a very good cover that gives this obsessive behaviour some semblance of validation . The reality is that very basic freedoms in your life are being eroded at a scary pace and you need to put the brakes on and step away. If there was any hope of you getting a cleaner or buying organic, nutrious food, or spending money on what you choose , you would already be doing it. Instead you are not allowed to switch on lights, not allowed to boil water or buy the cheapest pack of chicken for dinner without being punished with fines. Who knows what other things you are subject to that you haven’t mentioned on here. This is only going to get worse. Please take all your money out of your joint account then take your baby and leave until your husband gets some help and you have gained some perspective. If you need practical support please say and there will be offers to help.

My first thought is that this sounds like such a stealth boast. Probably because I'm jealous though! I admit it! Either way - your husband sounds ridiculous. You earn enough to buy chicken when you want. Tell him you can buy whatever damp groceries you want. And that if he doesn't likes it, he can suck it up. Thats what id do I if my DH bitched about that and we were on your kind of money.

Damn not damp! Though you can buy damp ones if that's what you want! Lol

But in all seriousness - I hadn't RTFT but having read the post above mine (by niceneen ) your relationship sounds completely abnormal. I wonder why you haven't challenged some of your husbands weird attitudes - like not allowing you to switch on lights? Are you afraid to? In which case I think you know you ought to seek help. If not for you, then for your child so he doesn't get impacted by your husbands strange behaviours.

Excuse my ignorance, new to this. What is a reverse please?

He is an arse but cleaning the bathroom is normal for most. I would hand him the loo brush though!

I would rather still have a mortgage and a fun life than live your half life. Your DH is a joy sponge.

Leave him. Seriously.

You cannot let your child grow up this way.

What would happen if you tried to fine him?

He didn't get 3 cans of cat food, despite being told repeatedly that that's what's required. I think that's at least a £20 fine, don't you?

so I need to find my anger and channel some rage
No you really don't.
You just tell him in a calm manner that you have had enough of this shite!
You will NOT be paying fines anymore and you will spend what you like on food.
If he doesn't like it then he can get to fuck.
Job done!

Honestly OP - this is so so so abusive and controlling, it's actually quite frightening to read.
'Sleeping with the Enemy' springs to mind.

You know this is not OK or normal.
You do need to get away from this control before you totally lose yourself.
Soooo... big girl pants. Tell him 'no more' and please leave when you can.

Do you have people in real life you can talk to about this?
I've no idea what you learnt about relationships growing up but I'm guessing it's not good!?

Womens Aid can also help you with all of this.
A safe exit plan is what you need right now.

Hi op- just wondered how you were feeling this morning?

OP - do you have a mother, friend or sibling you can talk to about this?