That we can afford the chicken!?

[hungryfordinner]

So I've had an argument with my husband and really need some independent perspective.

We are a family of three - me, husband and toddler

• we own our house outright (paid off last summer)!
• we both earn good salaries- after childcare we have about £5k per month to go towards living and saving. We each get £500 to cover tube transport / mobile / personal expenses, so £4000 is free. We are saving for an overseas home and our child's future. There is plenty in savings if we need it.

And yet- today I realised we had no meat in the fridge aside from some sausages, no vegetables apart from tomatoes; and we only get groceries on a Sunday. Not fancying sausages, I bought some chicken breasts in Sainsbury's for £6, and came home and made dinner for the three of us, using the tomatoes and pasta we already had.

I thought that my husband would be pleased I had dinner ready (Wednesday is my day off; he has Fridays off and never has dinner ready for me when I get home).

Well, he has come home and kicked off big time about me buying the chicken. Apparently we need to make what's in the fridge last a whole week, even if it means pesto pasta or tinned meals. And we shouldn't be eating so much meat.

We spend max £40 on food / nappies (his rule) per week and honestly it's driving me crazy. Yes- some people do this and manage fine. I get this. It's not impossible but it's not fun.

But AIBU to think that since we are in such a fortunate financial position, we can splash out on a bit of mid-week chicken? Why the need to control our existence in such a shitty way?

Wait - while I'm at it- a cleaner. I always said to him I want a cleaner when I am back at work. Our time together is too valuable to waste time cleaning. But nope. Instead I spent at least an hour of my day off cleaning skid marks that his disgusting mate had left in our family bathroom last night, scrubbing the rest of that bathroom down, vacuuming and mopping the ground floor, and doing laundry.

All while trying to entertain a toddler or get him to nap (bloody hard work).

On Saturdays we both do a full clean of the house, either while the child sleeps or if he won't sleep,!we take turns cleaning / entertaining child.

I'm sick of living such a miserly existence when we can well and truly afford to live a little!

The fines system is unrealistic and abusive. You do see that, don't you? Maybe you agreed to it - but what did he do and say to get your agreement?

This is no way to live. He will exert his unhealthy control over your DC and it will end in disaster. Either you sit him down and tell him the rules are off, the fines are out and you are going to live a normal life, or you start thinking about a future without him.

OP, have you posted about him before? I remember a thread a few months ago about a husband who was so utterly obsessed with environmentalism, recycling, renewable energy, carbon footprints etc that people were actually suggesting it was a mental health issue. His obsession was completely OTT. The wife could never do anything right, he criticised her, was constantly ruining family life in favour of being environmental (by his views), and was making her life a misery. Was this you?

Anyway, I agree with pp. Your DH is abusive. I bet if you did divorce him, he would fight every attempt at an equal split of assets. Get a lawyer now. Even if you stay together, you need to know your rights. He is a joy sucker for sure.

Introduce your own fines OP.

Better still tell him that you are not subservient to him and if he wants this marriage to continue he needs to stop being a utter numpty.

Stand up for yourself NOW and if he will not be reasonable then walk away. He will get worse otherwise and if you won't do it for yourself, do it for your child.

Tell your family and his about all this. Get it out into the open.

OP please stop enabling your husband's bizarre behavior re fines and lights and food and boiling water and..... It sounds as though your life is getting increasingly more and more prescribed. The ultimate end result of this, decades on, will be the both of you dying in poverty-stricken circumstances with a million pounds sitting in the bank. It happens. I think that your husband's behavior sounds more like mental illness (or possibly OCD?) than eccentricity (and no, I'm not a qualified doctor or anything like that, so just my opinion) but I do think that if it hasn't crossed a line into MH issues, it is heading that way. The more that you acquiesce to his whims, the more that they will envelop and restrict your life. You are not asking for madcap things--decent food, lighted rooms and using the tap water.

£40 per week on food and nappies?How? What on earth are you eating for that?

He sounds incredibly stingy and mean. No wonder you are in such a good financial position. Sounds like every penny you have both ever earned has been used to pay off the mortgage. But how dull for you all to live like that. Do you ever eat out or go on holiday?

This guy is not well. He’s making you save so much because when you divorce he’ll take all you’ve worked for!

Jesus Christ op! Our food budget is £40 a week for me, DH, ds 2 and DD 9 months. Because we HAVE to not through choice. We don't eat enough meat, it's too expensive. And fruit 😂😂😂 I buy fruit for the kids, me and DH don't get fruit because we can't afford it on our budget. As a result I'm losing weight, my skins awful, my hairs awful even my teeth are crumbling. Because the budget only stretches far enough to make sure the kids are properly fed. The £40 a week is for food nappies and cleaning supplies. Does he want you to end up like that? With insufficient vitamins? Tell him to get a grip, why would you choose to live like this

You can't 'fine' your partner. He's not a bloody council. You need to divorce him.

Fuck me. We think ourselves fortunate to save £200 per month (towards a boiler that we desperately need) and my husband hi fived me today for picking up three packs of rump steak at 30% off because we can enjoy a cost effective date night together three months on the trot.

Obviously your financial situation is much better than ours, but I strongly suggest you speak to him and agree some boundaries. We have three kids and our daily running cost for the family (no childcare) is £20 a day. That's food, nappies, wipes, loo roll, cleaning stuff, school trips etc. Averages out £20 a day

£40 a week on food, good god, I do that much on a top up shop, your life sounds miserable

Havent read through whole thread but i am just doing weekly shop online for me and child including my lunches. What on earth are you buying/eating for £40? Yes i do appreciate there's a lot of people in poverty spending this but also know its a huge struggle. Please do share though, i would love to save money!

Op, it is very possible that your DH has a mental illness. Seriously - leaving aside the actual real affect of abuse and also leaving aside the tendency of MN to armchair diagnose narcissist on every abusive twunt, he is clearly obsessive and is not rational. Can you have a word with your GP?

Wait you're not allowed to boil the kettle to sterilise the babies bottles? WTF is he on and why are you so accepting of this mental fuckery?
You both need to grow up and start putting your child ahead of his bizarre controlling money systems.

OMG hungryfordinner please listen to Ellyes. Ellyes you have completely summarised my 25 year marriage. Now over due to him walking out for a younger less worn out version. I out up this type of control for 25 years for the sake of my 4 sons, wrongly believing it was best to keep the family together, whilst pregnant with the 3rd we agreed I would give up my career and be a FTM. I don't regret my time with the children but then the control really ramped up, first he took my credit card off me then moved his salary out of the joint and only gave me house keeping money, never enough. He only ever criticised me, never showed me any repect, would criticise what I bought in the supermarket, which one I used, what day/time I got a delivery. 'Telling me off' if I bought something on offer that we already had (I would stock up when offers were on). It's so gradual and insidious and they manipulate you. As Ellyes says there's no point, I could be really upset about something and my ex would listen (very reluctantly and only rarely) and then roll his eyes and say have you finished now and then walk off in silence. I was told he didn't burden me with problems, (emotional stuff like bad day at work) and so I shouldn't trouble him with mine. Had to do everything by himself, controlled things or wasn't happy, would never value or accept help or advice from me. I desperately tried to please him and maintain a happy marriage for 25 years and am now told that I should have been nicer to him and that it is my fault he has walked out as I was so awful. I am now in a position where I gave up a good career, (I would be earning £125k now if still in same role), I have no pension, no savings, no money at all for a solicitor and he has a big salary,pension, etc and I have no money to fight for my share. I completely regret staying in the marriage so long, I ended up with depression and lost all my confidence. This relationship will never end well, get out now while you can. I know it seems really scary but far better now whilst you child is young and you have the energy and career to. My 4 teenage boys have all been traumatised by their dad walking out, far better to have parted when they were younger. Please start preparing and definitively make sure you have full access to all your savings. I would take half asap. Good luck and be strong NOW before you are worn down and lose all your confidence to be able to leave him. You DESERVE to be valued and respected and treated as an equal.

OP take a step back and imagine it was your child being treated this way by their partner, how would you feel?

As a minimum you need to talk to him and point out he’s being controlling and his behaviour is neither normal nor acceptable.

If he doesn’t agree then you need to leave for the sake of your child and before it gets worse.

I could cry at how you live.

What does your mum say?

The lights don’t go on? He fined you for the kettle.

I think, he might be quite unhinged.

@Haffiana The DH may well have MH problems but the cause of his behaviour won’t change the fact that he is abusing the OP and indirectly, their child. Financial and/or emotional abuse is still abuse.

Tinned ravioli, pasta and ketchup, Stir fried rice and veg is not a balanced long term diet for a growing child. Cheap battery chicken is fatty and full of additives. Low income households have no option but to have this kind of diet; the OP and her DH do.

OP the fact that you hate confrontation and get upset is exactly why your DH has got away with this controlling and abusive behaviour for so long. The fines are a massive red flag.

Please please speak to Citizen’s Advice, Women’s Aid, a Solicitor - anyone that can help you see that this behaviour is not normal and that you are in an abusive relationship. The fact that you cannot “see the wood for the trees” proves that he’s gradually frightened or brainwashed you into accepting his abusive behaviour.

I have a spendthrift sh and I have to keep a tight reign on our finances. We still have a mortgage and our disposable income is not as high as yours, so I was trying to relate to his chicken issues, but then he fucking fined you?? You have to understand how insane that is.

I would absolutely confront him on that issue if nothing else. The fine system needs to end, don’t bloody pay it! What he going to do if you don’t? Take you to court?

HOW YOU LIVE IS NOT NORMAL!!!!
its weird
no one else loves likes this
fines aren’t normal either

Sorry had to put that out there...
this is proper insanity
please please do not go along with this

You will fuck up your child and fuck up yourself...

Walk us through the fine conversation. How the eff does he start that one and what does he say to make you feel compelled to pay the “fine”?

This is not normal. OP you need to have a chat with someone in real life that can help you.

OP, listen to @scubadive and to scubadive I'm so sorry you had that life

The freedom program through women’s aid would be good for you.

May i suggest you use separate accounts. Each pay your share of bills and fix the amount you save. Then if you want chicken have it out of your money and make him eat the bloody sausages. Just because his too flipping cheap doesn't mean you have to be. 40 a week is a joke for a family of 3. As a family of 4 with a child who only eats nuggets and sausage we spend 100 a week easy. We no longer even need nappies to have them in that figure. I work in the offending supermarket and a number of families of your size easily spend same as i do if not more.

Wtf.
You have in a month about 10 months of my disposable income. I still spend £100 a week on food for DP and I because we like to enjoy our food and our lives. He's being weird and controlling.