That we can afford the chicken!?

[hungryfordinner]

So I've had an argument with my husband and really need some independent perspective.

We are a family of three - me, husband and toddler

• we own our house outright (paid off last summer)!
• we both earn good salaries- after childcare we have about £5k per month to go towards living and saving. We each get £500 to cover tube transport / mobile / personal expenses, so £4000 is free. We are saving for an overseas home and our child's future. There is plenty in savings if we need it.

And yet- today I realised we had no meat in the fridge aside from some sausages, no vegetables apart from tomatoes; and we only get groceries on a Sunday. Not fancying sausages, I bought some chicken breasts in Sainsbury's for £6, and came home and made dinner for the three of us, using the tomatoes and pasta we already had.

I thought that my husband would be pleased I had dinner ready (Wednesday is my day off; he has Fridays off and never has dinner ready for me when I get home).

Well, he has come home and kicked off big time about me buying the chicken. Apparently we need to make what's in the fridge last a whole week, even if it means pesto pasta or tinned meals. And we shouldn't be eating so much meat.

We spend max £40 on food / nappies (his rule) per week and honestly it's driving me crazy. Yes- some people do this and manage fine. I get this. It's not impossible but it's not fun.

But AIBU to think that since we are in such a fortunate financial position, we can splash out on a bit of mid-week chicken? Why the need to control our existence in such a shitty way?

Wait - while I'm at it- a cleaner. I always said to him I want a cleaner when I am back at work. Our time together is too valuable to waste time cleaning. But nope. Instead I spent at least an hour of my day off cleaning skid marks that his disgusting mate had left in our family bathroom last night, scrubbing the rest of that bathroom down, vacuuming and mopping the ground floor, and doing laundry.

All while trying to entertain a toddler or get him to nap (bloody hard work).

On Saturdays we both do a full clean of the house, either while the child sleeps or if he won't sleep,!we take turns cleaning / entertaining child.

I'm sick of living such a miserly existence when we can well and truly afford to live a little!

iamyourequal. I am reading it as genuine. I understand your worries. I don't want to dismiss it as a clever con in case we have someone in a really distressing place.

I have worked with people from situations that I found hard to believe but the evidence was irrefutable. This actually is not uncommon, the husband's obsession with saving money. I do too know a few people who have an uncanny knack of meeting incredibly rich people and some are married. It can happen in a family I think.

But my reason for remaining in support is just because it would be unbearable to walk away and find that this is a poor woman on her own in the exploitative manipulations of some very horrible and potentially dangerous covert narcissist. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. I do find how she describes the small details reasonably plausible.

I suppose we may never know.

@Ellyess, you speak so much sense and you’ve given great advice to the OP. I hope this really is a turning point for her

This thread has really made me feel like I spend too much on food

Was your DH always so controlling or is this new behaviour? If the former, I’m wondering why you married him? If the latter, I’m wondering why you don’t recognise how dysfunctional it is & why you want to bring your child up with a father who fines their mother for buying chicken. Whatever about your choice to live like this, it’s so wrong to expose your child to this. You are already creating the next generation of dysfunctional relationships. Shocking.

@NotBeforeCoffee There's nothing wrong with that if you can afford it.

I'd much rather buy from Sainsbury's/Asda/Tesco/Morrisons than spend ages in Lidl/Aldi stressed, unable to buy branded items I like and having shopping thrown at me at the checkout. I just budget so I make sure I can afford to go to other shops without breaking the bank.

Dump him and elope with Colonel Sanders.

We earn quite a bit less than you and probably spend about 4 times that. You are what eat after all

@SW6mama thank you for making me laugh!!

@Nearly47 I must be mango's and cheese then

We earn the same as op, well more really but I am useless with money. Spend a fortune on food, got debt, not much savings-wise etc ... but we enjoy life, eat out a lot. I guess its what your values are. Wish I was better at saving but like enjoying life. £40 a week is pathetic amount. You should just buy what you need he needs to get a grip.

@Nearly47 I'm mostly the contents of my office vending machine

Thank you @Ellyess and everyone for being so kind

My husband has definitely become worse with time. We have always saved money, but the fine system is new. The other day I also got fined for boiling too much water (just £1!) for pouring into the baby's bottles for the day. Because the kettle wastes so much electricity.

And we have rules around heating (only on if the gro egg goes blue) and lighting (not on once it's light, even if we are having breakfast and it's not quite sunny or light enough to be nice).

Whoever asked me where I got the vegetables for a stir fry- frozen peas, tinned corn, and I did find a carrot in the fridge. Stuff I'd usually prefer fresh.

Writing this down and seeing your responses has been quite cathartic, and has helped me to see it is not normal.

@Damsel you are right, it's not fair on our child.

@HydrophobicHelga too much finger-licking for my taste. Can't be hygienic.

£6 is quite cheap for chicken breasts for 3 people. He is being incredibly mean and controlling. It's also a lot healthier than sausages or tinned food or pesto.

Thank you @rememberatime and I'm sorry you had such an arse of a husband too.

I know this is a forum for advice but it’s so easy for people sat behind a keyboard to just say LTB! This is your real life and things just aren’t that straightforward, I hope you are ok OP. Where do you do a food shop with nappies for £40? I shop at Aldi and spend £40-50 a week for 3 of us without nappies, plus top up shops in between for about £10-15. What I mean is, how the heck you do manage that with nappies?!! My Dh will often check on how much I’ve spent but he appreciates that we need certain things in, and that we deserve to live and not just to survive! Good luck with the conversation, I hope it gives him a kick up the backside! x

OP what would happen if you refused to pay the fine?

Why are you cowtailing to his rules- you earn a good income and should have equal say as to how its spent. An marriage is an equal partnership and you should stand up for yourself or kick this control freak to the kerb and take charge of your own life. Yes its a bold step, but if you don't act now it will never get better.

This might not mean so much second hand but, I am mid thirties and I had 2 friends my age die of cancer last year. One had young young kids. Life is too short. Eat healthy but well. Get the cleaner. Spend your money and time on what you love. You can't take it with you.

You say "We have rules..."

Who set the rules? Were they jointly agreed?

He's never going to cope when your DC is a hollow legged teenager! Mine could eat a pound of cheese and a whole loaf after getting home from an afternoon running around doing sport! Your DH would have a melt down. Who would he fine? The DC or you?

Gosh your kids are going to have a miserable existence under the Stalinist regime you've allowed to be installed. Rules about every fucking thing. Please go for counseling. Both of you.

Stop thinking of basic assertiveness and communication as ‘confrontation’. Just because the person you’re talking too may not like what’s being said, doesn’t make it a confrontation.

When you speak clearly to your toddler about bedtime, it isn’t confrontation. It’s letting them know the boundaries you are setting, for their benefit and yours. Their reaction is frankly irrelevant.

You can of course choose to let your DH know your thoughts (and your firm plan for future spending) in writing. In fact, just draw up a new budget and email it to him.

Lots of good advice I hope you are finding it useful.