That we can afford the chicken!?

[hungryfordinner]

So I've had an argument with my husband and really need some independent perspective.

We are a family of three - me, husband and toddler

• we own our house outright (paid off last summer)!
• we both earn good salaries- after childcare we have about £5k per month to go towards living and saving. We each get £500 to cover tube transport / mobile / personal expenses, so £4000 is free. We are saving for an overseas home and our child's future. There is plenty in savings if we need it.

And yet- today I realised we had no meat in the fridge aside from some sausages, no vegetables apart from tomatoes; and we only get groceries on a Sunday. Not fancying sausages, I bought some chicken breasts in Sainsbury's for £6, and came home and made dinner for the three of us, using the tomatoes and pasta we already had.

I thought that my husband would be pleased I had dinner ready (Wednesday is my day off; he has Fridays off and never has dinner ready for me when I get home).

Well, he has come home and kicked off big time about me buying the chicken. Apparently we need to make what's in the fridge last a whole week, even if it means pesto pasta or tinned meals. And we shouldn't be eating so much meat.

We spend max £40 on food / nappies (his rule) per week and honestly it's driving me crazy. Yes- some people do this and manage fine. I get this. It's not impossible but it's not fun.

But AIBU to think that since we are in such a fortunate financial position, we can splash out on a bit of mid-week chicken? Why the need to control our existence in such a shitty way?

Wait - while I'm at it- a cleaner. I always said to him I want a cleaner when I am back at work. Our time together is too valuable to waste time cleaning. But nope. Instead I spent at least an hour of my day off cleaning skid marks that his disgusting mate had left in our family bathroom last night, scrubbing the rest of that bathroom down, vacuuming and mopping the ground floor, and doing laundry.

All while trying to entertain a toddler or get him to nap (bloody hard work).

On Saturdays we both do a full clean of the house, either while the child sleeps or if he won't sleep,!we take turns cleaning / entertaining child.

I'm sick of living such a miserly existence when we can well and truly afford to live a little!

A fine? Fucking LTB right now. Ridiculous. Financial abuse.

I grew up poor and I am not a nasty miser. Even if OP's husband did, I don't think it's any excuse for this sort of behaviour.

Nahhhhh I’d rather be with a guy who has £10 in his bank account than a guy like this. I’ve lived with money and I’ve lived with nothing and the only thing that bothered me in either case was my friends/family. Literally couldn’t even give someone the time of day if they were like that. Have you told him how unattractive it is?

I think your husband needs to see this thread - his behaviour is not on, very controlling. Either you talk and come up with a sane budget or you need to think about whether you can carry on living like this.

I couldn’t live like this. We spend around £80-100 a week on food and are careful, we have a 2 year old and a 9 month old.

There is nothing quite as unattractive as someone who is stingy and controlling.

Fine that fucker by ltb and claim csa. You will be better off and free to eat all the chicken in the world.

You are intelligent OP. You can use the tinternet, you have a well paying job, you know its nutritionally important that you est well.

So why the fuck do you accept this shit? Does he have a 9 inch penis? I would be ltb as to feed your child the shite you list when it's quite feasible to feed them much better is neglectful. If you are on the bones of your arse and feed your kids what you can afford thats fair enough. Though people are still judged. To chose to feed your child that shit while stashing money for a holiday home is neglectful if not abusive.

You need to leave. Because whilever you allow this shit you are complicit.

I hope this is a troll thread because it seems unbelievable to me that educated, intelligent, financially astute people live like this. It's not just being frugal, it's using food and basic nutrition as a form of abuse and control. You aren't responsible for what your husband spends but you are responsible for what you chose to spend on your child.

My stomach is in a knot reading this. I'm not sure if it's because I have been on domestic /financial abuse today but this post is screaming coercive control to me. Please take advice on this and let us know how you are.

A £20 fine? WHAT?

And all because you very kindly bought and made dinner WHICH HE ATE? He ate the £6 chicken! And anyway it was only £6 ffs. What about partnership, teamwork, generosity??

I have hardly a penny to my name and zero savings but sometimes we have takeaway. Sometimes I go to the farmers market. Sometimes I buy the organic corn fed chook. We spent over £40 on an Indian takeaway the other week. Payday treat. 2 adults 2 kids. Blooming delicious. No regrets.

This is v v v v v weird.

hungryfordinner I hope you are starting to realise how weird this is. You don't have to live like this. You can and should be making decisions that affect your life and your child's.

Talk to some people in real life if poss.

He fined you?!

I am sorry but there really is no more that can be said. There is no relationship here; you are building your savings to enjoy the fat square root of nothing. You live with a financial abuser and have no marriage worth the name.

I suggest you offer him two options: counselling or divorce. Right now.

Here’s what worries me about this post - hungryfordinner tells us that they’re mortgage free, they paid off their home last summer. Wonderful! She then tells us that they will keep on their London home in the future for the children! I’m sorry but unless you are mega mega rich, (or aged 84!) paying off a London home means buying outright at £500 to £700k! Who can do that??

You got fined £20 as went over the budget

I have a cunning plan. Write a plan for all your meals for a week, breakfast, lunch and dinner. Include meat free options. Then write a shopping list that includes all staples and what you need for the meals that week and ask him to buy it for £40. If he insists he can do it cheaper then suggest he cook for a week. Point out that making pesto and pasta from scratch is far cheaper than buying the items. Lamb stew is far cheaper than expensive pesto anyway. Perhaps reintroduce him to the benefits of offal. Also mention how much you like fish. Or that you'd love him to make vegetarian lasagne.

On a more practical side, a whole chicken is usually only around £3. And yes, he does sound a little controlling but may simply not have realized that you can't live off £40 anymore due to rising food prices, and weirdly a toddler adds about £20 to the food bill!

Sometimes we don’t see what is happening in our lives as our perspectives are out of whack. From everything you’ve posted, I think you are living with an abusive spouse. Control is important to an abuser, and your dh is a classic example. You had to give him your shopping list for him to check? He fined you? You need a huge reality check. It sounds like he tells you how to behave, and punishes you if you don’t do what he tells you to do. Who is he to make the rules? That is NOT how a marriage should work. He’s an abuser. Please stop making excuses for his behaviour and see what is really going on.

As another pp asked,is he from a poor background, as i find people who are, seem to be especially careful, [or even tight ] with money, however much money they have later in life
Nothing nice about a mean man,or woman

I don't see how you can be only spending £40 a week on groceries and not be meal planning down to the last pea.

Being made to pay a fine for spending money you can well afford on a necessity such as food is not right, OP. You need to sit down with him and have this out.

Fined you and I assume you paid? I am speechless....

I'm curious OP. Where are you from, and where is your husband from? Is it the norm where you are from for a man to be in control of finances? I just find it hard to imagine letting someone else take control of my hard earned salary.

Coercive control?

He made you pay £20 pound fine for spending £6!!!! Who is he to dish out punishments. He really is a money obsessed bully isn't he.

I have no words.

@hungryfordinner

What's the loud ringing sound I can hear? Oh wait...ALARM BELLS
Is your husband controlling in other ways? His behaviour is very worrying and not at all normal.

You earn your own money too, you can choose to buy chicken and get a cleaner without his permission.

I’m hoping this is a made up story.

Have I really just read this correctly? OP do you have sight of the household finances? Is property and assets in joint names? I am genuinely concerned for you. In your position, I would demand full details of all household income and expenditure, I would want to know where the savings are going etc. I would set up my own bank account and become financially independent. You and your child need to eat properly. Buy food for you and your child, let him eat crap out of tins if he wants but the carbon footprint argument about chicken is bullshit and the fine is disgusting. You don’t deserve this, this is not your best life.