That we can afford the chicken!?

[hungryfordinner]

So I've had an argument with my husband and really need some independent perspective.

We are a family of three - me, husband and toddler

• we own our house outright (paid off last summer)!
• we both earn good salaries- after childcare we have about £5k per month to go towards living and saving. We each get £500 to cover tube transport / mobile / personal expenses, so £4000 is free. We are saving for an overseas home and our child's future. There is plenty in savings if we need it.

And yet- today I realised we had no meat in the fridge aside from some sausages, no vegetables apart from tomatoes; and we only get groceries on a Sunday. Not fancying sausages, I bought some chicken breasts in Sainsbury's for £6, and came home and made dinner for the three of us, using the tomatoes and pasta we already had.

I thought that my husband would be pleased I had dinner ready (Wednesday is my day off; he has Fridays off and never has dinner ready for me when I get home).

Well, he has come home and kicked off big time about me buying the chicken. Apparently we need to make what's in the fridge last a whole week, even if it means pesto pasta or tinned meals. And we shouldn't be eating so much meat.

We spend max £40 on food / nappies (his rule) per week and honestly it's driving me crazy. Yes- some people do this and manage fine. I get this. It's not impossible but it's not fun.

But AIBU to think that since we are in such a fortunate financial position, we can splash out on a bit of mid-week chicken? Why the need to control our existence in such a shitty way?

Wait - while I'm at it- a cleaner. I always said to him I want a cleaner when I am back at work. Our time together is too valuable to waste time cleaning. But nope. Instead I spent at least an hour of my day off cleaning skid marks that his disgusting mate had left in our family bathroom last night, scrubbing the rest of that bathroom down, vacuuming and mopping the ground floor, and doing laundry.

All while trying to entertain a toddler or get him to nap (bloody hard work).

On Saturdays we both do a full clean of the house, either while the child sleeps or if he won't sleep,!we take turns cleaning / entertaining child.

I'm sick of living such a miserly existence when we can well and truly afford to live a little!

OP please take on board what everyone is saying to you. He's being financially abusive.

I cant believe you actually paid the fine! WTF! What would have happened if you said no and explained this was not a normal reaction to buying some chicken. I really have no words. This is so far from normal that I wonder if there is any point in talking to him about it.

I'd have took the fine and paid for a consult with a solicitor ready for the divorce !

Your budget as a family is more than generous. It's substantially more than mine and I would have spent way more than £40 a week on me and my dd when I was also buying nappies for her. Does he help with the cleaning. Tell him he can do it or you can get a cleaner. If he is going to be tight with his money then let him but if you are spending within your means then you should be able to enjoy your hard earned money.

What a miserable way to live Op. and so needless...you could save half of that and still be well off.

YANBU. Fuck getting bollocked over buying some chicken, I could not live like this. Its a bit different if you were totally skint, but even then I would not expect abuse over buying food..wow.

A fine???

Fuck me Op you KNOW this isn’t right

Well that escalated...

I read this thread earlier and was hoping to come back to find your DH had apologised or something...

But a fine of £20...
For £6?!

Im starting to genuinely worry for your safety. He sounds unbelievably controlling and just a few sandwiches short of a picnic...

Um... has he always been like this OP?

I think the only answer is WTAF. OP you say your colleagues would say you are intelligent. what do you believe they would think about you if you told them you paid a "fine" to your husband?

Perhaps the people piling in might want to wind their necks in a little. It's quite likely that the OP has been worn down by years of this sort of contrrolling behaviour from her not so DH.

It reminds me of another thread a few months ago where that DH imposed a £40 pw grocery bill and then went to spend £28 of it on an extremely strange vegan diet all for himself. The OP initially posted because she wanted to go to a different supermarket because the item that made up the bulk of his diet was on offer there and she was hoping to be able to buy some food for herself and her DC with the money saved but he wouldn't agree for no reason at all. That thread escalated in a similar way, but I think that OP left him and went to stay with her grandmother mid thread.

Just read your post to my husband and he was shaking his head over it and when I saw your last post I told him "If anyone pulled that shit with me I'd be sticking the chicken where the sun doesn't shine!" My DH knows I don't exaggerate or threaten I just do it lol

I honestly hope this is not real.

What odd people you both are, choosing to live this way, and you are choosing to live in this dysfunctional way, and making your kids live it too.

Forty quid a week on food and nappies, and you get fined if you dare to buy some chicken.

I'm assuming the savings are in both your names? It's sad you can't enjoy the today, or the tomorrow, but live in penury for some point in the future.

He made you pay a fine? OP this isn't right. Have a read about financial control and coercion and have a think about how you want your life to be.

I cannot stand meanness. I'm not saying LTB, but I'm saying it's time to redraw the boundaries of your relationship. I'd be putting £200 less into the joint account for food and a cleaner, personally. Starting this pay day.

He made you pay a fine?! This is not right at all, what an awful way to live. You need to have a very frank conversation with him! We are a family of 4 (plus dog), my DH is the sole earner and he brings home approx £1500pm, our weekly shopping budget is £60, but that's a very loose budget, we often go over that if there's other stuff we need.

Sounds a bit like a friend of mine.
She says 'he doesn't realise what he's doing'. Ha. He so does, when he buys himself a £1000 bike and she's running the house out of the child benefit and the couple of hundred he gives her a month.

It's really not necessary to live like this OP, and I wonder how it started and how you justified it to yourself. There's saving and then there's misery.

Are you sure you're not so good with money or is that what he's told you? Is frittering it away so bad as long as you're not getting into debt...?

OP, this sounds like financial abuse. Are you happy?

Yes, given the updates I seriously doubt OP is as bad with money as she says.

More likely she's just been repeatedly told that she is by her abusive DH, to the point she believes it.

OP - spending small amounts of money on little luxuries every now and again does not mean that you are bad with money. And nor does spending more than £40 on a weekly shop.

Your DH is financially and emotionally abusive. He thinks it's acceptable to 'fine' you for buying food for the family to eat - because he sees himself as your boss/owner, rather than your equal.

He doesn't give a shit about you using your free time to deep clean the house, as long as it means he can pile up more cash.

He doesn't give a shit that your child is being fed on poor quality tinned rubbish and cheap meat, as long as it means he can pile up more cash.

LTB

Buy yourself lovely hot lunch every bloody day.

shit the bed that’s not ok at all on any level.

That good old saying, you can't spend it when your dead!!!

Your lifestyle sounds utterly miserable though!!!!

He sounds appalling! Very controlling and horrible.

Who is he to issue fines? I hope he didnt get to eat the chicken after all that+

I think it's really important to teach your child to enjoy good food.

Good food on a daily basis is one of the first things I'd spend on tbh.

There are strains of my exh about your "man". Note the ex.

It’s why you’re rich.

LTB, seriously.... It sounds like you’d get quite a generous divorce settlement given the amount you’ve squirrelled away in the interests of your DH’s apparent life objective of being the richest person in the graveyard!