To ask why people let their DCs sleep in the same bed?

[amrscot]

I have a couple friends who let their 2, 3 and 4 year olds sleep in their marital beds every night.

Personally I don't understand the reasons behind it and think surely it can't be good for a relationship in the long term.

AIBU to ask others thoughts on this?

Why not?? I loved when mine slept with us when they were little...sometimes we'd have all 4 of us in one bed(we have an exceptionally large bed!). It was warm and snuggly and everyone slept. Now, DD 11 will still come in to us if she has a bad dream or can't drift off at night, and I love that, too, because I know she won't want to be in with us very soon.
What's the big deal if it works for some people?

I find it more strange why people shove babies in a different room. Very unnatural.

Co-sleeping is great but I don't think you need to talk in terms of other parents 'shoving' their baby into its own room either. Why use such dickish language?

My children are free to sleep in my bed if they want to, and they often do. I have no worries at all about the state of my marriage. Relax a bit OP.

The OP is worded in a way to get people's backs up, and polarise responses. In reality, it is always a compromise.

I co-slept when I went back to work and DC started wanting bf 5 times per night because he wasn't getting much in the day. DH or i would end up in the spare room most nights. It was the only way to get through it, but it wasn't great for intimacy, in my experience. I missed sleeping next to my DH. I was glad when it ended, though I do enjoy cuddling up on the rare nights that it happens now.

My DC was actually happier in his cot than in my bed, so it was easy to change things. It would be very easy to get into a long term habit, but if it is the easiest option for a family then why not?

Having never had a marital bed, I’m not sure if I qualify to answer. We co slept till our kids didn’t want to any more, and shagged a lot On the sitting room floor, and various other places.
No relationships suffered.

Don’t understand it myself and maybe the people being touchy are the ones the are overly tired as they have a bed full of kids at night!😉😂

People are touchy when OPs are judgy.

Prior to marriage my little girl slept in our living-in-din bed but once we got married I kicked her out so I can carry out my marital duties in our marital bed.

She lives in the basement now. Seen but not heard and all that. That reminds me it's probably time for her lunch time gruel

But actually teaching them to sleep in their own beds....means you have a period of hell but then proper, normal sleep most nights. Just people won’t or can’t go through the hell. So they put up with shitty sleep, better than no sleep, for years and years instead.

Or they enjoy sleeping in the same bed.
Oh and children change, they aren't either one bedded or bed sharers.
Oh and with ds, I slept a fuck of a lot better with him in my bed knowing he was less likely to choke!!

one bedded should be own bedders!

People get touchy because it’s annoying that people seem to think it’s OK to publicly condemn you as wrong.

I’ve always co slept but the amount of people (relatives, work colleagues, friends - everyone) that think it’s OK to bring this up, tell me it’s wrong and that I should be doing what they’re doing pisses me right off.

Imagine if I randomly said to them “Still making your kids sleep alone in their own rooms, while you snuggle into your husband/wife? Even though they repeatedly try and show you that’s not what they want by waking up all night and trying to come into your room?”

I’d never say that! I don’t care what they do. Even if I did care to say that would be rude, judgemental and a blatant attempt to provoke an argument about why I am right and they are wrong.

Yet people always say to me things along the lines of “why do you do it?” “when are you going to stop it” and “it’s not normal”.

I am really, really lucky that I have a really well behaved and happy boy ( weird to saying that because I actually came in here today to ask why 7 year olds are so annoying and gobby 😂)

However, it gives me a bit of an edge over the judgement because anyone that knows us well can’t try and pull the argument that it’s damaging or bad for the kids because (I’m not boasting here, it’s good luck I’m sure) everybody comments on how well rounded my child is. Theyde be embarrassing themselves if they tried to say that and they know it. That doesn’t stop the work colleagues or randoms though because they aren’t able to see the product of my “not normal” parenting.

So I just have to sit there and listen to their shit, annoying!

Having your kids in your bed means you will get better sleep than no sleep. But still shitty sleep.

No, honestly, having dc in the bed does not result in shitty sleep for me or dh.

I slept in my parents bed until age 8 - younger brother arrived and I was relegated to the "put you up" at the bottom until I returned to my own room age 11. My DS slept in my bed until age 10 - gave up overnight - never returned . I still miss that dolly little boy that used to come in without me even noticing - DS is nearly 22 !!

We have an open bed policy, both DC know they are always welcome in our bed in the night or to come and see us if they need anything. DS1 never comes in, he loves his own space and bed. DS2 (nearly 9) comes in around half the time, normally about 1am but sometimes from beginning of the night. How I sleep isn’t affected by him at all, in fact I probably sleep a bit better when he’s there...... And our relationship is great, beat it’s ever been

Mine were like yo-yos, easier just to let them sleep with us, they gave up by themselves

Nothing will eff up a relationship faster than chronic sleep deprevation.

Because families slept together for thousands of years, long before the idea of marriage / marital beds were ever conceived.

Because it meets the needs of vulnerable little people, who are programmed to seek safety and comfort when its dark and the wolves are prowling outside.

Because there is nothing sweeter than the smell of a sleeping baby’s head.

Still miss it all these years on, and I’m glad our 11 & 8 yr olds climb into the big bed for a cuddle.

but wouldn't it be better to try to persevere with the child to get it to sleep in its own bed? Surely this would happen after 2, 3 or 4 years?
No and no. My kids slept in our bed most nights. It was the difference between neing able to function at work and keeping my job or not. They eventually grow out of it. HTH

surely it can't be good for a relationship in the long term.

If you think your relationship with your dp requires bed sharing, what about your relationship with your children, doesnt that relationship require bed sharing as well?

Because my sons dad died and when he was ill my son got in with me to look after me. Since my husband has been gone I have continued to let him in my bed because he needs that security.

I can’t see why it really matters- if you don’t then fair play if people do it’s still fair play.

Why do some people have such a problem with this?

Surely it's entirely natural for a small person, who is entirely dependent on you for almost everything, to want to sleep close to you.

Wtf is 'marital bed' all about?

I kept ds1 in a cot in our room until he was 14 months old. Ds2 still sneaks into our bed in the middle of the night.

I have no idea why some people are in such a hurry to kick their babies out to sleep all alone. I love a cuddle in bed, why should a baby or child be any different?

I'm in the minority,my ds 5 has only slept in our bed once when he was ill.We are a very loving family and give ds kisses and cuddles all the time,we just prefer him to sleep in his own room,it's what he's used to and is very happy in there.I certainly don't judge other people though.

I have a really close friend that has been woken up several times a night for SIX YEARS! She returns both of her children back to their own beds multiple times, every single night.

She has a lovely, kind husband who would not mind any decision she made and they don’t have a particularly sexual relationship so that wouldn’t be too much of a problem either.

She’s also a really loving Mum.

Why does she do it? Why have they never just brought a bigger bed and let them co sleep?

Because she is the kind of person that doesn’t question what she’s been told. She (like most of us) grew up being told that children being in their own rooms means that they become strong and independent.

Some people question, some people don’t.

I feel sorry for her, she’s bloody shattered.

By the way OP. A quick google about co-sleeping will show that it seems to boost self esteem in children. Perhaps I’m being biased and only looking for the studies that suit my beliefs though so perhaps you could point me in the direction of any studies that say otherwise?

My DD age 8 sleeps in my bed. She never really slept through the night and I would always end up in her bed at some point in the night, until her dad left and it was just easier to bring her in my bed.

My DS does, simply because he sleeps better there and I want him to. DH and I have to work and neither of us can on no sleep. It hasn't affected our relationship at all, and we don't share a bed atm because of his snoring anyway. We all sleep, we're all happy, we don't kill each other. People parent differently, no need to understand why, just don't judge for different choices