To ask why people let their DCs sleep in the same bed?

[amrscot]

I have a couple friends who let their 2, 3 and 4 year olds sleep in their marital beds every night.

Personally I don't understand the reasons behind it and think surely it can't be good for a relationship in the long term.

AIBU to ask others thoughts on this?

crispysausagerolls dd slept over on her dads side and cuddled up with him if she needed night time reassurance. Baby slept on my side so me and dh were a barrier between the kids iyswim. We have a super king size bed so space hasn't really been an issue. Baby is 15 months now and we're still all comfy!

I feel sad for anyone who has missed out on this experience

FWIW we try to co sleep with Dc2. It was a nightmare because every single movement form him was waking me up. And every single movement from me was waking him up.
As soon as he slept in his room, he started to sleep better.....

I’ve slept in the same bed than my dcs at different stages (often when away in hols). I’ve always been pushed and kicked regardless of their age. Which means I’ve never slept well.

So whilst I agree that it sound slike a lovely idea, having tried it, it didn’t work for us. It’s not sad though. And I wouod hope no one wouod find what was working for us sad. It just was the best for us.

I'm a single mum so the relationship side isn't an issue but I co slept with DS for years.

During a conversation with my sil’s, it transpired we all hated sleeping on our own until about 13.

When dd was 9 she became terrified of sleeping on her own. Eventually we had to put a bed in our room. She is now age 12 1/2 and has just gone back in her own room.

This is fuck all to do with boundaries, it is to do with anxiety. Children with high levels of anxiety are often scared to sleep alone.

We could have battled and persevered, but why? We knew she’d go eventually, as indeed she did.

You do know its possible to have sex in other places aswell...
Our 4 year sleeps in our bed most nights, have no issue with it, love snuggling up with her, i have late teen kids also, know how damn quick they grow up so these night time snuggles with my girl i bloody enjoy

werideatdawn

Perfect thank you! Makes sense xx

I was blessed with kids who stayed in their own bed at night, if they didn't, they definitely would've been in our bed.

Exhaustion, running on empty, night after night, wouldn't be an option for me, they'd be in my bed.

There aren't many 11 year olds who sleep with their parents, they outgrow it.

Can I ask why you care?

Got a 7 year old in my bed 🙋‍♀️

I’d give you an answer if I thought you were really interested but instead I’ll rephrase your question to what you really want to say

“ Me and my husband have never slept with our kids in our bed, society or my own personal feelings / values have made that what we feel is the correct way to parent.

BUT why do all these people in the World not do exactly the same as me? It’s obvious I’m correct but the fact people do things differently makes me uncomfortable. I want to be the best, the most righteous, with the best children. How can I prove that is so if we do not all stick to the same way of living? Not fair”

This matter has absolutely no impact on your life what so ever. It’s not like the difference in parenting styles that may result in delinquents running riot in restaurants etc. - that You would notice and may affect you, however, other people sleeping in bed with their children has zero effect on your life. So why do You want to talk about it? Bring it up? Go to a public forum to find other individuals to back up your beliefs?

Your insecurities brought you here today. Work on them.

With your reference to the faux worry over other people’s romantic relationships surviving I’d hazard a guess your insecurities start there

Started because DS wouldn't sleep in the cot, then DH moved out anyway because of my snoring so I just kept DS beside me because we both like a cuddle. Why would I sleep on my own and send my toddler off to sleep on his own when we would both be lonely?

Never shared a bed with ours, they went back to their own beds if they ever woke up with lots of cuddles and reassurance. I felt very strongly that we all needed to sleep well. Having said that, they always came into our bed in the mornings and snuggled in together - I miss those days now they're all grown up.

Because we choose to? Because it's easier to breastfeed? Because it's nobody else's business?

My fil is from a big Catholic family, and he and siblings tell annecdotes on how at one point the family lived across two tiny next door to each other terraced houses and the father and all sons slept in one house and the mother and all daughters in the other!

3 more children were conceived while this arrangement was going on, so one assumes 'marital relations' were unaffected!

Where you sleep had nothing to do with the quality of your marriage.

My children are all adults now, they would get into bed with us only if they were poorly orhad a bad dream (so rarely slept with us) but I’d not pass judgment on anyone else doing things differently to how I did, especially when it comes to sleep.

The main thing I get from this thread is that I will never again feel totally at ease sitting on my friends' sofas. I had always viewed sofa shagging as an occasional event - I had no idea it was a lifestyle for so many!

MadAboutWands that comment wasn't directed at you. I feel sad for people who miss out on co-sleeping, because they think it is something they shouldn't do. I realise it doesn't work for everyone and some children sleep better on their own. Ultimately it's not of my business what other people do.

Our slept in our bed when they were smaller. It started as they wouldn’t settle, then we realised that children really do need comfort, and that ours were just more comfortable and reassured when we were there. By about 3-4, but chose to move into their own beds, and there was no effort required to get them to do so - they were just ready. They still I assign ally come into our bed (3 & 6), usually when something is upsetting them etc.

Putting children in separate beds, in separate rooms is a culturally specific thing and something that has only come about here in the past 150 years or so.

Buh bye OP!

If i could, at 32, snuggle up to my mum in bed at night, i bloody well would! Ive yet to move DD into her own room (only 10 months) as i like having her in bed with me. Waking up to hand slapping me in the face is the best!

Also, for your information. Over half of the World still sleep in the same rooms as their children into adolescence.
The stance that it’s “not normal” is incorrect.

In the UK and the West, due to an increase in living standards it’s seen as “normal” or even more superior for each person to have their own room.

.... apart from adults of course. Adults get lonely and need another human to sleep in a small bed with every single night. But babies and children? No, how silly. They must be in a separate room on their own.

Otherwise the marriage may be ruined and Mum will then have to sleep on her own and be lonely 🧐

If i could, at 32, snuggle up to my mum in bed at night, i bloody well would!

This!
I loved sleeping with my mum as an adult when bed shortages dictated it (more people sleeping over than beds). Divorced parents meant mum had a spare spot next to her.

The bummer came when I had kids and visited. Everyone wanted to sleep with nana so was hard enough making a roster for the kids, I had no chance but scored the leftovers in the other room. Secretly I was jealous. Never had to accomodate DH there as we always took our hols at different times so never had to factor him in there thankfully as there were only two double beds.

@Tawdrylocalbrouhaha we use DHs bed!

Vinylsamso you are my hero. Everything you said! I adore cosleeping with my 3 year old. Itfeeks much more natural to me than leaving him on his own.

Perhaps because not everyone's lives fit into some idealised routine where dinner is on the table at 6pm and married couples head upstairs at 10.30pm to fulfil their marital relations.

My 12 year old has spent the night in our 'marital bed' for the last 3 nights. She comes in most nights during the week actually. I like having her there - she's warm and cuddly. She likes being there. My DH doesn't care … because he works nights!

Having your kids in your bed means you will get better sleep than no sleep. But still shitty sleep.

But actually teaching them to sleep in their own beds (not newborns obviously but from about 6 months onwards) means you have a period of hell but then proper, normal sleep most nights. Just people won’t or can’t go through the hell. So they put up with shitty sleep, better than no sleep, for years and years instead.

I loved the idea of kids sharing the bed and everyone sleeping blissfully together but maybe my DC were more fidgety than most because I couldn't get any sleep if they got into our bed. We put a single mattress on the floor in our bedroom and they were welcome to sleep there if they woke in the night.