to think just because your relative moves abroad, it doesn’t mean you have to spend your precious holiday time and money visiting them?

[OVAgroundWOMBlingfree]

My sister in law moved to the other side of the world five years ago and we are yet to visit. She thinks we are completely unreasonable but I think if you want to up sticks and live on the opposite side of the globe, then not getting as many visitors as you would like is just something you have to suck up and the cost of returning to see your family and friends is something you have to factor into your move?

I know it sounds a little heartless but why on earth should we have to use up our holiday allowance and vast sums of money because of her lifestyle choice?
She lives in a city and region that I have no particular interest in visiting, it is extremely hot when she would prefer us to visit and extremely cold during our school holidays. There are no direct flights and it takes a day of travel and over £800 per person (at the cheapest, it is usually £1000-1400) and we have a large family.

We have just booked for our summer holiday to a European city for one week followed by a beach week. We work hard, long hours, I’ve had a baby this year and need a rest. We need the holiday we have organised, not sitting in her house on the other side of the world doing what we would do when we visited her in St Albans but with a different language on the television.
She is throwing her toys out of the pram that we have “booked yet another holiday” (we holiday twice a year and one of those is camping) without going to visit her.

AIBU?

Does SIL work? In not why don't her and the DC come and visit in their school holidays???

She could help out when the nanny is on leave

One of my family members moved to the arse end of nowhere half way across the world for a job opportunity but complains constantly that family are so far away. They behave like the whole family moved from them and not the other way around.
I think it's interesting that I see so many threads about hen do's and weddings abroad where the general opinion is that it's grabby or cheeky and unreasonable, but when a family member makes their own choice to leave the country, and the OP would have to drag several kids/baby half way across the world, using up all their time off work FOR THE YEAR, forking out 10 grand for the pleasure, and some people think she's in the wrong for not wanting to.
I think if you move that far away, knowing it will cost thousands and a very long journey for certain family members to visit, then as part of your decision making process you should accept that your choice to move is also potentially your choice to end the physical contact in that relationship?

We can't get in laws to visit after we both moved and it's a 3-4 hour drive

Before they also moved I took the DC to visit regularly and catch up with friends. Now there is only them to visit where they are in a hamlet with zero to do and the journey is pretty horrible - takes longer although they are technically 50 miles nearer.

They don't complain though as they're not that interested in the DC!

Assuming they are in Aus or nz maybe suggest meeting in Singapore/hk/Bangkok for a weekend with them and go onto Thailand for a beach hols by yourselves?

I don't think you are unreasonable at all.

If a visit costs 10k, why should the OP and her family not holiday for 3 years in order to go? I want holidays with my children every year. They are my priority - I want to spend time with them while they are still willing! So there's no way we would not go away short-haul for 3 years to save up for a long-haul holiday to visit someone else.

It’s each to their own I suppose, one of my siblings lives on the other side of the world in a very cool, amazing place and we go over as much as we can because we love the place. If my sibling is off work and able to meet up that’s great but if not we still have a good time.

YADNBU

My parents moved abroad 16 years ago. Not quite so far as OP's SiL but still a pain in the arse place to get to. It's also the last place on earth I would choose to holiday - I actively hate the place. Because of the location/frequency of flights, we have to go for a minimum of a week at a time. I love my parents but I do resent having my holiday time and finances dictated to me. I don;t get a huge amount of annual leave and I can't imagine what it would be like to actually be able to use that precious time on something I want to do. Since my parents moved, we've dutifully visited once per year and it has grated on me that there is a whole world out there to explore yet we're stuck in the same holiday pattern - literally in an old folks ex-pat village - every year, all due to a choice that they made without considering the impact. Flights to their country are not cheap so even with the free accommodation, it takes a massive chunk out of our savings each year and until recently has prevented us from doing anything else.

Luckily, due to a promotion at work, for the last three years, we have been in the position to go to them for a week at half-term (alternate spring and autumn) every year and take another (albeit very budget-restricted) holiday at a different point in the year. I get a constant barrage of criticism about why we only visit once per year and why we won't come for two weeks (also, my work doesn't allow annual leave of more than a week unless it is a special occasion). Right now things are ok as both parents are in good enough health to come back to the UK for a few weeks each year (although they stay with us which brings its own challenges). I am aware though that as they get older, I'll have no choice but to increase visits to them and I genuinely don't know how to cope financially with this. I'm also currently at risk of redundancy therefore there is a chance we won't be travelling anywhere for a while - which my parents will not accept.

My parents expected a constant stream of visitors when they moved and it just hasn't happened. They have taken it personally (getting really angry if they find out that someone has been on holiday anywhere else in the world) and lost loads of family and friends due to the lack of visitors which they see as abandonment. I've tried talking to them but they just don't see what they are asking others to sacrifice. I try not to grudge them for living out their dream and I know they love their life abroad but it is incredibly short sighted to make this decision without thinking of the implications on others.

My parents expected a constant stream of visitors when they moved and it just hasn't happened.

Wow - that rings true - I think a lot of people who move abroad to their dream destination just don't get that other people may not like it as much. They expect people to fly over and be grateful they can crash on the floor for a 'free' holiday.

@BrightYellowHat for the first few year we did have that constant stream of visitors. It drive us insane, but we felt we couldn't say no.

15 years on, I have bitten the bullet and recognize people who want to come and see us, or people who are looking for a cheap holiday.

YABU

YANBU. If you want her to get off your back, I'd spell out to her how much your holiday to Europe is (not that it's any of her business), and how much flights to her part of the world would be. Let's say your holiday to Europe is about £1,000. Well flying to hers would presumably be much, much more than that for all of you. However some people can't really see reason, so she might not listen to any explanation from you. People can be really U about people visiting them. I had a friend who moved to Australia for the year from the UK, she kept saying she'd love me to come visit. I was a student at the time - there was no way I was going to Australia! I had absolutely no spare money!

I think the annual leave argument is weak, we all (in my experience) have to spend some of our annual leave doing less than ideal things, eg visiting in-laws a couple of times a year, doing diy or whatever. I think the financial argument is stronger because if it really would cost 10 grand that’s a huge financial commitment. But if it were my sister I would have a special saving account for it and just save as much as I could each year, even if it meant I could only go visit her once a decade I’d still do it.

How is it weak? They evidently both work. One or both of them could easily have only 20 days, which is well over the legal minimum anyway, and be obliged to use some of that to cover a Christmas shutdown. Going to the other side of the world people usually stay two weeks rather than one, if not we're getting into the realms of the journey not being worth it, plus there's potentially travel on top. It would take both parents having a pretty generous annual leave entitlement for 10-12 days leave not to have a pretty significant impact, since presumably they also have the DIY, medical appointments etc to fit in.

If nanny is sick or DC too ill to leave with the nanny, or if nanny leaves that's a chunk of AL gone!

I only get 20 days of choice with forced leave at Christmas and Easter it's horrible when you are used to a more generous 32 days of choice!

Thanks for all the replies on both side. A lot of food for thought. They live in the Americas, about as far away in them that you can get, so I suppose middle distance would be the USA (which we are desperate not to visit whilst Trump is in office) or the middle of the Atlantic. Cape Verde maybe?!

I thought they might do!

YANBU. My dad and two sisters live in the USA, while my mom (who is English) and I have individually ended up moving to the UK. My mom is always badgering my sisters to visit, but they have limited holiday and have already been to the UK many many times. And my mom goes back every year, so it's not like she never sees them...

YANBU. She chose to move, she cannot expect anyone to shell out a load of money to visit her. No way would I go. Continue to do your own thing and just don't entertain her moaning about it. She's being very childish.

It’s not everyone that moves abroad, we lived in NZ for 4 years and never had any expectations of people flying out to see us. Funnily enough we became a magnet for people we vaguely knew, or the relatives/friends of people we vaguely knew, who happened to be travelling through our area, ‘popping in’ to see us regularly.

Our mums came to see us every year, but my siblings (both of whom have children) didn’t and we understood why, it’s s bloody long way and a big financial commitment to fly to NZ with kids. Sure it was sad to not see my brother and sister, and my nieces and nephews, but I didn’t throw a tanty because they didn’t come visit.

Id love to visit my sibling and see their new child. It'd be £5000 minimum just for the flights though. And 3 kids on 24 hours worth of flights feels a bit mad until they're older.