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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think just because your relative moves abroad, it doesn’t mean you have to spend your precious holiday time and money visiting them?

145 replies

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 26/02/2019 17:47

My sister in law moved to the other side of the world five years ago and we are yet to visit. She thinks we are completely unreasonable but I think if you want to up sticks and live on the opposite side of the globe, then not getting as many visitors as you would like is just something you have to suck up and the cost of returning to see your family and friends is something you have to factor into your move?

I know it sounds a little heartless but why on earth should we have to use up our holiday allowance and vast sums of money because of her lifestyle choice?
She lives in a city and region that I have no particular interest in visiting, it is extremely hot when she would prefer us to visit and extremely cold during our school holidays. There are no direct flights and it takes a day of travel and over £800 per person (at the cheapest, it is usually £1000-1400) and we have a large family.

We have just booked for our summer holiday to a European city for one week followed by a beach week. We work hard, long hours, I’ve had a baby this year and need a rest. We need the holiday we have organised, not sitting in her house on the other side of the world doing what we would do when we visited her in St Albans but with a different language on the television.
She is throwing her toys out of the pram that we have “booked yet another holiday” (we holiday twice a year and one of those is camping) without going to visit her.

AIBU?

OP posts:
downcasteyes · 27/02/2019 07:52

YANBU. At least, I don't think your decision about your holiday time is at all unreasonable. It's up to you how you spend that, and a long visit with in laws isn't everyone's cup of tea. I totally get that.

I do, however, find the tone of the way that you discuss this a tiny bit unreasonable. Your post is all "me, me, me". If I'd had that conversation, I might not travel for a visit but I'd definitely be worried about the fact that the person was potentially very isolated and upset. People move abroad for a variety of reasons and it can be very lonely to be in a different culture. Maybe look to put in place some things to mitigate any problems - maybe more frequent Skype calls with the kids, for instance. As your DH's relative, he should be organising this, though, not you.

Phineyj · 27/02/2019 07:56

I think the onus is on your DH to make the occasional visit there. It's his DSis. I think your jobs are the real issue (you must be flipping superwoman with lots of children and 'highky pressured long hours jobs'!) I can see why if you're knackered from work and have limited holiday time it doesn't work. Let's face it, if she had moved to a small cottage in the Highlands it would be as much hassle, just not so expensive.

Fluffiest · 27/02/2019 07:57

It would take our family about four-five years to save 10k. I would then really begrudge spending that on a holiday I didn't want to go on, out of obligation.

Lungelady · 27/02/2019 08:04

Dh's son lives on the other side of the world and is desperate for us to visit. It just doesn't interest us at all.
He was back in England last year and we may meet him in Europe in 2020.
But spending all that money and time to visit a place we dont want to visit ...no.

HappyDinosaur · 27/02/2019 08:06

@Lungelady It doesn't interest your husband to see his son? Shock How very sad.

FuckItFriday · 27/02/2019 08:14

My brother is like this. He moved out to Malaysia 10 yeas ago when our eldest was 4. We went for his wedding and once again after their son was born. The flights are expensive and I'm not that enamoured with the place. I would be if we done our own thing but he loves in really stuck up ex pat type. laces with nothing but malls to explore.

He guilt trips our parents into going out every year. They've not had a holiday to themselves since he went out there. He also comes over most years and stays with them and needs constant driving about and entertaining. He's resentful that I and my children live close to my parents but I pointed out he probably spends more time with them on an annual basis!

He's a bit of an entitled knob though.

Lungelady · 27/02/2019 08:14

Not sad at all.

VerbenaGirl · 27/02/2019 08:15

YANBU, she is.

NeverSayFreelance · 27/02/2019 08:17

Nah, YANBU. I feel the same way. A friend of mine moved away for work and is always nagging me to visit - but I've not got the money right now. And when I do have the money, there are other things I want to spend it on. I didn't ask them to move.

Uptheapplesandpears · 27/02/2019 08:23

I suspect the OP might be talking about somewhere in the Americas suchatodo, so halfway options would be limited! May be wrong though.

But fundamentally though OP, YANBU. When people have taken the decision to move, and it is a decision even if it's one caused by work or a spouse, they don't get to expect other people in the family sacrifice huge chunks of time and annual leave to go somewhere they don't actually want to visit. And the comment about your camping holiday is ridiculous.

TheCanyon · 27/02/2019 08:26

Im currently sitting in sils garden for the first time in 10 years. Never been before due to the 8 hour flight with the dc, flights are usually really expensive and ive always assumed its not a very nice country.

Bils hometown in europe has become our favourite place to holiday. Never once stayed at his though in 8 years.

My db lived in Seoul for 6 years, didnt even enter my head to go visit him.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 27/02/2019 08:27

Why can't your sister come and visit you, if she's so keen to see you?

Expensive long haul flights plus horrendous jet lag - with kids! - those would be enough to make it a big fat no thanks from me.

We had relatives visit us when we lived abroad, but it was mostly parents and ILs who actively wanted to come, and came at Christmas, when the weather was lovely compared with the UK in December.

EveryYouEveryMe · 27/02/2019 08:33

I'm the other side OP. I moved from a large city to a seaside town. Now everyone wants to visit me when before they could be arsed.

They all say they're coming to visit in texts so I've started replying with a link to the local hotels [grins]

I made my decision to move 500 miles away from my extended family and I am quite happy with that choice, I dont expect anyone to visit because I moved and it would be the same if it 100, 500 or 2000 miles difference.

I wouldn't demand anyone visit but neither would I like them expecting to stay with me if they did come visit.

Original poster
OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 27/02/2019 08:52

Wow lots of comments over night.
We speak to SIL a lot on Skype (2-3 times a week), we even have a daft night once a fortnight where the kids (try to 🙄) watch a film together at the same time and chat back and forth on Skype, whilst we adults FaceTime.

I think perhaps DH is going need to go out there on his own for a week at some point just to stop an argument brewing. It does mean we will lose out on family time elsewhere though.

As for us going out en masse every few years, it would genuinely mean us going without a holiday of any kind for two years. She moans that we have holidays (they are cheap in so far as holidays go) and a nanny and is constantly dropping hints that we are living some kind of luxury, kick-your-heels-up lifestyle when in reality we are really, really not.

OP posts:
Original poster
OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 27/02/2019 08:55

And when I say going without a holiday I mean, a holiday of our choosing.

Family who have visited her have said it is a case of laying next to her pool and visiting the local market every morning because she is bored of all of the local attractions. With the number of DC we have, we would appreciate a guided tour or two.

OP posts:
leiaskye · 27/02/2019 09:21

YANBU

My sister emigrated over 15 years ago. She has moved around a bit & now lives in Canada.

I have never once visited her. Before Canada she lived in countries I had no desire to visit, & she did visit us once a year, so I saw no need.

Plus,, these were all countries a very long way away (were not talking Europe!). I also would never want to stay in her house, no matter how big it might have been, so we’d dtill have had hotel costs.

We might go to Canada, but not until next year

My two younger sisters would never be able to afford to go, & my mum is too ill to travel so really it makes more sense for her to come here anyway.

downcasteyes · 27/02/2019 09:27

I'm the posted who suggested Skyping - just seen your response and I think you're already going above and beyond in that regard. So apologies for a useless suggestion Smile.

Ferfeckssake · 27/02/2019 09:29

I have experience of this from all sides
I moved in my 20s to NYC.Had absolutely LOADS of people wanting to visit.Used to dread it as , unless you really wanted to see them, it was almost a burden. Had to take time off work, pay to go to tourist sites that you didn't want to go to and having to accomadate people as well.It got so bad that I and my friends , also expats would help each other to do " The Tourist Vistor thing" when people came.Although , we were always glad to see our Mammys - must be an Irish thing!
The other side is that now , those that stayed are expected to come home regularly with kids, etc. After years , it must be hard to spend precious holiday time sitting in elderly relatives front rooms, year after year.Especially with young DCs .
So, no ideal solution really.Could your DH perhaps go with some DC ? Not an ideal , but I think it would mean a lot to DSIL and the kids would talk for years about " when .. came to visit".,I assume with age gaps,mean that some DC would be more likely to benefit.

BrightYellowHat · 27/02/2019 09:34

My SIL emigrated to the other side of the world about 20 years ago and always has a (polite) dig at us for not visiting her. But the reality is she and my husband never had a good relationship even when she lived locally. She lived a few miles away but we were never invited to her house once.

Also the costs of a visit for us would be crazy - we would have to pay for flights, accommodation, a car, etc. I priced it up once and the cost was about £10,000 before we had even had a drink or a meal. Way out of our budget - we've never been able to spend that kind of money on a holiday.
But when she comes here, she stays with PILs, and they lend her a car and pay for everything. Quite often they will also pay for all or part of her flights.
May be one day when the DC have left we'll go, but it's not possible now.

Shutupanddance1 · 27/02/2019 09:36

YANBU but I’m on the other side of it. I had to emigrate with my DH to get work, it wasn’t really a choice in our eyes as we had nothing at home at the time.

Being away is horrid, I’m lucky in that both of my sisters have visited at separate times once and it wasn’t a case of lying beside a pool - I took them out every day to something and tried my hardest to ensure they got a holiday out of it. I knew how much the flights cost so I was aware I had to make it a good time for them.

All of our holidays are spent going back to the place we are from and it’s a pain in the arse with 2 kids but you do it.

runninguphills · 27/02/2019 09:48

YADNBU I just wouldn't go.

We save like mad for our holiday. Its something we all can look forward to. The children like a pool or sea to swim/play in.
We like eating out a couple of times and find it a really special relaxing time.

Staying with extended family is lovely but however much I love them, can be strained trying to decide where to eat/what do do that everyone is happy with. Definately 3 day max. in the same house.

Also it's 10k! I'm happy to visit family but it's a crazy amount of money, to go somewhere you don't want to go. At the end of the day - she's living in a semi detached house in a residential estate.... Not really a dream 10k holiday destination...

I'd definately arrange and save up for a half way holiday where you can holiday together.

RandomMess · 27/02/2019 09:52

Would probably be better if you offered to contribute towards her coming to visit you??? Cheaper, less leave required plus a week with you a week with grandparents?

lola006 · 27/02/2019 09:53

I’m an expat and I have no expectation that family will be visit. It’s lovely when they do and we’ll run up to London if that’s as close as they can get (stopover or whatever).

We do have things to see around us, I’m a SAHM so can do the touristy thing and people who do visit generally seem to enjoy themselves. So for me it’s flipped. I get friends and family asking me to come ‘home’ where I’ll hang around all day not doing much while they work. Only one friend takes actual holiday days when I visit and as a result I go see her more.

It’s really tricky and honestly it’s best with my family to meet abroad as a group holiday. It doesn’t mean you have to be tourists together, you just plan to eat dinner together each night so you get a vacation and ~family time.

Snog · 27/02/2019 10:02

Will you be able to visit once you no longer have a nanny to pay for?

Original poster
OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 27/02/2019 10:06

Will you be able to visit once you no longer have a nanny to pay for?

Probably but that’s 5-6 years down the line at least.

OP posts: