to think just because your relative moves abroad, it doesn’t mean you have to spend your precious holiday time and money visiting them?

[OVAgroundWOMBlingfree]

My sister in law moved to the other side of the world five years ago and we are yet to visit. She thinks we are completely unreasonable but I think if you want to up sticks and live on the opposite side of the globe, then not getting as many visitors as you would like is just something you have to suck up and the cost of returning to see your family and friends is something you have to factor into your move?

I know it sounds a little heartless but why on earth should we have to use up our holiday allowance and vast sums of money because of her lifestyle choice?
She lives in a city and region that I have no particular interest in visiting, it is extremely hot when she would prefer us to visit and extremely cold during our school holidays. There are no direct flights and it takes a day of travel and over £800 per person (at the cheapest, it is usually £1000-1400) and we have a large family.

We have just booked for our summer holiday to a European city for one week followed by a beach week. We work hard, long hours, I’ve had a baby this year and need a rest. We need the holiday we have organised, not sitting in her house on the other side of the world doing what we would do when we visited her in St Albans but with a different language on the television.
She is throwing her toys out of the pram that we have “booked yet another holiday” (we holiday twice a year and one of those is camping) without going to visit her.

AIBU?

Totally with you OP other people’s lifestyle choices should not cost you thousands of pounds and your precious holiday time, all my family live down under when they left they said well we are only 24 hours away....yeah those 24 hours where you expect me to pay thousands of pounds and use up my whole years annual leave . I did it once to see what all the fuss was about as apparently it’s utopia when actually it’s no different to anywhere else, my sister still does the ironing in front of the tv watching neighbours! Same shit different place!

YANBU and I've lived abroad for a long time myself.

And I'm on the other side!

My DB moved to Aus about 10 years ago. At first we couldn't go (pre-kids) because DP didn't get enough of a holiday. We'd have had 10 days there and with his job it wasn't possible to be drowsy/jet-lagged at work. Now things are a bit different, but we have kids. DB came to visit on the back of a work trip (never comes if he's paying himself, so doesn't come often and only stays a few days when he does (think 3 days in 4 years). He was on at us to come over. I ran through the cost with him (flights, car rental there, accommodation - their place too small) which cane to near £10k. He thought it was worth it for us to visit. Then on his last day, I suggested he takes the kids on the flight with him. 24hrs. One toddler, one energetic older child. We'd come a few days later, after the jet lag had calmed down. Suddenly he got it!! He's never asked since!

Did DSIL ever go there for a holiday with the kids before moving?

My SiL monitors our holidays and says we could have called in to see them if we go within about 50 miles of their house. It gets really tiresome. The reason we don't go is because she is abysmally rude to us when we do see her.

Think you're both being a bit unreasonable.

She's being an idiot, but it sounds as if you're being a bit stubborn. Couldn't you meet in the middle somewhere, just one year in every few? There's no way you should have to spend £xxx and 50% of your annual leave traipsing to see her every year (and i am not suggesting you do) but she's family. Doesn't everyone make sacrifices for their loved ones? I'm not interested in my parents' home town and they weren't a fan of the big smoke when i lived there but we made time for each other and travelled regularly.

I'm pretty sure she'd stop tantruming if you explained why you're not up for visiting her (flight time, jet lag, expense, climate, seasons) but would she fancy 5 nights in dubai (for example) next year if you can find a cheap package deal?

I moved to Oz a few years ago and while I don't resent my family for not visiting, I do think they're missing out. There's such a lot here that I know they'd enjoy..they'd have free accommodation and I live in one of the most beautiful areas in the state.

They just don't want to and I can't change that. It makes me a BIT sad though. I see other expats' relatives visiting regularly and think "Why can't mine?"

YADNBU!

My DM and DF both emigrated (with their prospective partners and to opposite ends of the globe), the year their first grandchild (one of 4) was born 16 years ago.
They have never come back just to see their DC and DGC, and despite us visiting them over the years, neither has got over our refusal to spend every summer holiday visiting. Should have thought about that before they upped and left!

Where on earth does she live where it costs 10k to visit for 2 weeks? Do you only fly 1st class?

It easily costs that much to fly an entire family long haul in economy, @BarbarianMum ?

And if they do have to factor in hotels for 2 weeks because there isn't enough room at SIL's, it's pretty easy to see how it would top £10K.

I moved to the US and I'm actually very hurt by the fact that in 10 years my sister has never been to visit, and never intends to. She doesn't work. Her husband is retired. They have enough money and kids have left home They'll go to a villa in Europe to enjoy the sunshine, but won't come to visit us. Ever.

I would never expect people to make us a regular choice, but it really does feel like they don't care at all about us. None of our family will come to visit us. Ever.

But they expect us to visit them.

Relationships are meant to be two-way. If you can afford 2 holidays a year, you could afford to go to her once every 5 years. I never found going to sit on my MIL's couch a great weekend, but I made the effort to keep up family relationships (and still do when back in the UK).

Some give and take should be expected as a normal part of all relationships. Are you really saying that you'll never see her again, and DH never see her again, unless she makes the journey back to the UK? Can't you see how that could upset her?

I'm not saying you should go to her al the time, but once every few years is actually perfectly possible - and maybe you could combine it with some time doing what you DO want to do so that it still feels like a holiday, with a family visit as part of it. But saying a complete no sounds like you're willing to cut her off completely.

KickAss I think they do it to prove a point. My family weren't happy I left. Now they're punishing me.

people who loved her wanted to visit her

It’s this really. She’s visited 3 times in 5 years which is quite a lot. It wouldn’t hurt to make the effort to visit her once in 5 years. But you did also say you could only stand 2-3 days of their company so maybe you just don’t like her enough. Actually I think you said that too!

I’ve been away from home for 20 yrs as not one bastard has ever visited from my family, although we’ve lived in some nice places. Oh except that one time I paid for my mother to have a trip over with me. Otherwise nada. Sisters not short of cash. I Have made effort to visit brother in third country even. Oh well, I guess I that tells me how they feel really. So I save my own limited holidays for myself and they have no right of complaint

YEAH - there is nothing stopping my sister. And she lived in Scandinavia for a while, and I went there to visit her.

In fact, not only will none of our family (either side) visit us, but they expect us to travel to them when we go back to the UK, so trips quickly become hours of sitting on the motorway.

It isn't just about the money/time, but the attitude of "you moved, so now we're cutting you off". I honestly never expected my family to be so cruel in their attitude. It's like they're glad to get rid of me. I have completely re-evaluated my family relationships as a result. If they can so easily cut me out (and for them, this is a very do-able trip once every few years) then why should I bother with them?

I don't expect them to come to me all the time, but it's been a very nasty wake-up call to discover that they're saying 'never'.

I can understand the SIL in this situation, and hope that the OP thinks about going once every few years, or doing a mid-way meet up or stopover or something rather than just a complete no. Otherwise it just seems that she loves going on holiday more than she loves her SIL. That's a very harsh message to send.

Some of DH's relatives can't be bothered and they live in the same country! OK, we're in a different part of the USA so it does involve a short plane ride to see us, but, there's less of them and they still want us to always visit.

Well guess what, the DCs don't want to visit this summer as they found their last trip boring (it isn't the most exciting area) and I'm not going to push it. If their Grandparents and Aunties can't be bothered to visit us just once in a while, they'll have to miss out.

It makes me sad if I dwell on it, but that's the way it is.

Funnily enough, we see my British side far more often!

It sounds as though you have an ok relationship with your SIL, but nothing special so that you want to spend your valuable holiday time and money on visiting. I totally get that and I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I would suggest that your DH goes on his own for a visit if that's feasible. She does sound quite hurt rather than throwing her toys out of the pram, as you put it. What does your DH think?

Fuck no you're not being unreasonable.

I don't think YABU for not wanting to but I think YABU to genuinely consider never visiting her at all.

I get she's made the choice, I am also an expat and unless I go back or pay for family members to come wherever I am at, nobody seems to care not to see the sight of me and it sucks.

I know I have made the choice to move and therefore can't expect people to visit me, but there is something sad about the fact that if I did exacly like them and chose to refuse to spend $$$ in visiting them (I hate visiting my home country, I do it out of duty and because it's the ONLY way I can catch sight of my relatives even though they all have way more money than me), then they would all seemingly be happy to never see me again.

My mum got married last year and didn't even try to plan her wedding so I could be a part of it, so I didn't go as by the time I was made aware flights were just too expensive.

I knew when I moved that I would be missing out on things and people (I just lost a relative a few days ago) but there is something quite saddening/frustrating about the fact that my family would likely fly out for my funeral, but cannot ever be bothered to visit me while I am well and alive.

So I get the frustration of your SIL, you don't have to see her, but if you can visit her every now and then, I would. Your husband is assuming that any other relative could die before her, there is no proof of that, she might well be the first to go and wouldn't he regret not chosing to visit her at all in years (even if alone!).

Anyhow, like I said, I don't think you are unreasonable not to want to go through the hassle of visiting her but you are definitely unreasonable not to try and see where she is coming from.

I live overseas and actually don't want any of my family to visit, they'll all moan, be a burden and generally annoy me so I don't get way your SIL is so worked up, to help you get a view of my family though, in 15 years I've lived in 2 different houses in the uk, my sister has not visited either!
I have no desire to visit England either as no one makes the effort so I'm more than happy for no one, on either side of the globe to save their £££s and get on with their lives!

btw, I am paying for one of my brothers to come visit later this year, as again it's one of the only ways to have anyone from my family visit me and spend time with me, and while I don't mind spending money on visiting people who matter or flying them over as I genuinely want to see them and create meaningful memories with them, I do dream of the day where they will give me the same consideration, and for once make a bit of sacrifices (be it financially or timewise) just to spend time with me because they value me and spending time with me and creating memories with me. I wouldn't want them to visit every year but once every few years would be nice!

Op has just had a baby! You deserve the holiday you want. Enjoy your holiday and tell sil you all miss her but it just isn't the right time to be taking a long trip

We have this at the moment. DH’s cousin was brought up by PIL. She and her husband moved to Aus 4 years ago and she’s deeply offended that we haven’t visited when we “have two holidays a year”.

I have 6 kids, plus my nephew lives with us so the cost of flights is huge. Two of my kids have significant health issues. She doesn’t have the space so we’d have to rent a house/villa and she lives in and extremely expensive area.

Our two holidays a year are my friends parents villa in Spain which they rent me super super cheap and we get Ryanair flights, and a Haven caravan park. In no way comparable to 9 long haul flights and a villa in Aus!

She comes back 4 times a year. Flies business as they can afford it. Stops over in Dubai for a shopping trip and doesn’t get that flying economy with all the kids is more expensive and much more hassle!

She doesn’t seem to realise that what she’s actually saying is that we shouldn’t have any holidays for 5 years to fund visiting her. As that’s the cost difference.

Am in sim situ and after we did visit (nice but dull trip) she now feels hurt that we dont go every year!
What thats it? One trip and you havent been back since?

i get it, shes moved to somewhere like Aussie and wants you to spend 10K plus going there with your 5 or 6 kids and doing a few touristy things and not much else, because shes seen it all and has no interest in doing them again and every other person is going there so it is packed and stressful
where as you can jump over the ditch to Europe for two weeks and spend half the money and actually have a fun family holiday and not have to avoid things that you want to see and do...
not unreasonable

YANBU

And the people saying YABU - would they stump up 10K??

[If I had that much money floating around I would either be saving, or getting a desperately needed new kitchen and bathroom.]

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I say that as the person who moved away! I live in China - my choice and I understand if people don't want to come here. my mum comes once per year and we pay her flight and other expenses as it was our decision to move. My pils came once, didn't like it and don't want to come back - their choice, but as a result we don't see them very often as we prefer to holiday in asia - our choice. I didn't move to asia to spend my holiday allowance visiting the UK .
We are not offended that they don't want to come and they don't seem offended by our lack of trips back to the UK .

Dh could go alone? Once in a while, certainly not regularly, and then he could do that outside of school hols to keep it cheap.

I'm the one abroad in my family and I'd hate them all coming!
But, that's me and my family. If it were dh's family and he wanted to go, then I'd go.
It does sound as though your husband would quite like to tbh.