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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think just because your relative moves abroad, it doesn’t mean you have to spend your precious holiday time and money visiting them?

145 replies

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 26/02/2019 17:47

My sister in law moved to the other side of the world five years ago and we are yet to visit. She thinks we are completely unreasonable but I think if you want to up sticks and live on the opposite side of the globe, then not getting as many visitors as you would like is just something you have to suck up and the cost of returning to see your family and friends is something you have to factor into your move?

I know it sounds a little heartless but why on earth should we have to use up our holiday allowance and vast sums of money because of her lifestyle choice?
She lives in a city and region that I have no particular interest in visiting, it is extremely hot when she would prefer us to visit and extremely cold during our school holidays. There are no direct flights and it takes a day of travel and over £800 per person (at the cheapest, it is usually £1000-1400) and we have a large family.

We have just booked for our summer holiday to a European city for one week followed by a beach week. We work hard, long hours, I’ve had a baby this year and need a rest. We need the holiday we have organised, not sitting in her house on the other side of the world doing what we would do when we visited her in St Albans but with a different language on the television.
She is throwing her toys out of the pram that we have “booked yet another holiday” (we holiday twice a year and one of those is camping) without going to visit her.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Desdemonie · 26/02/2019 17:48

YANBU.

PotteringAlong · 26/02/2019 17:49

No, you’re not.

How many times has she been back

Original poster

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 26/02/2019 17:50

She has been back three times, 2 of them for funerals.

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 26/02/2019 17:51

Of course YANBU. So what if she's not happy!

mimibunz · 26/02/2019 17:51

Not U at all! I’m the other side on this in that I moved away but am expected to spend my holidays back in my home country. Drives me nuts. You are under no obligation to visit her! Enjoy your much needed time off doing what you want and need to do.

Whackaguacamole · 26/02/2019 17:52

I think it must suck to have emigrated and have to spend all your holiday back in the UK traipsing round everyone. But it's part of moving sadly so she's no right to get upset.

All our siblings are abroad, long haul, and we absolutely don't want our precious time off to be on big extended family holidays every year. We do go every so often though. I'd like to think I'd get the odd visitor if I left but it's like a destination wedding, you can ask but not be hurt if people don't attend!

EssentialHummus · 26/02/2019 17:53

Not U at all.

Heyha · 26/02/2019 17:54

Is there a holiday destination mid-week that you could all book next year and do it that way? I don't think YABU by the way, they chose to be miles away and must know the associated costs for visitors.

Heyha · 26/02/2019 17:55

Mid-way not mid-week!

delilahbucket · 26/02/2019 17:55

Totally agree yanbu. A close family member moved abroad a few years ago and wanted us to visit constantly because it's a free holiday right? Not when it's the best part of £1000 for flights in the school holidays, plus it really would not be a holiday when they're in a retirement village for Brits. They still go on at us to go over and how we can get flights for £20 each. It might sink in one day that it isn't happening.

Original poster

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 26/02/2019 17:56

Thanks for your replies. I was really starting to beat myself up about it because she is really bitching and moaning at a level I’m not accustomed to.

I agree it must be hard to move aboard and need to be the one who does all the visiting but it is surely part and parcel of her choice.

OP posts:

Holidayshopping · 26/02/2019 17:57

Nope, you are not being unreasonable.

Tell her that it would cost you £x in flights and you’d rather spend that on a holiday in x.

LaFreaka · 26/02/2019 17:58

I think the problem is that you get offered free accommodation and that makes it sound like it's going to be a free holiday but in general staying with anyone longer than 3 days is a bad idea - so it ends up costing huge amounts with loads of family obligations and tension.
I have done it before and I wouldn't do it again - if we were going we'd stay in a hotel and control our own agenda.

Original poster

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 26/02/2019 17:58

Is there a holiday destination mid-week that you could all book next year and do it that way?

There probably is somewhere but equally as much as I get on with my in laws I really don’t want to spend my holiday with them. 2-3 days, sure but two weeks (which with children is what it would need to be for me to travel more than 8 hours on a plane) absolutely not.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 26/02/2019 17:59

Presumably she's got a big house and could put you all up? And she'd need to pay for air fares?

MsTSwift · 26/02/2019 18:01

You are so not unreasonable holidays are so precious you cannot be expected to pay so much money to go somewhere you don’t really want to go!

Original poster

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 26/02/2019 18:01

Presumably she's got a big house and could put you all up? And she'd need to pay for air fares?

She has a 3 bed house with 2 kids and I have considerably more children on top of that. It would be a hotel/Airbnb job and cost a fortune or sleeping on floors and sofa and just ugh, no.

OP posts:

Youmadorwhat · 26/02/2019 18:04

I can see where she’s coming from in a sense. We are the ones who moved away in our family (well DHs family) and we normally travel back to see them once a year for 2 weeks but this year we have decided to do other things and they are all complaining about seeing us. My response was “ well it’s been 4 years so if you “desperately” want to see us come on over!! It’s an hours flight ffs!! 🙄

OftenHangry · 26/02/2019 18:05

YANBU. And i am someone who emigrated. It's unreasonable to expect everyone coming to visit all the time, same like it's unreasonable to expect whoever emigrated to visit back home all the time.

Though maybe she just wants to show you where she lives. It would be nice if you visited just once, but it's understandable nit to with the prices. I like it when people visit, but I don't certainly throw a tantrum when they don't.

Kolo · 26/02/2019 18:08

I see this from both ends. My DH is from another country, so we get pressure to visit more often. One of my closest family members moved abroad, and so there’s also pressure to visit there. Before kids, and while they were very small, it was pretty easy and cheap to visit, but I did get a bit frustrated that all of our holidays were spent in family members homes in the 2 destinations. (I was also aware that it was a first world problem, as both destinations are very popular and beautiful, but it wasn’t really a holiday!)

Since the kids have gotten older, and we have to pay for flights for them and in school holidays, it’s just priced us out visiting so much.

cptartapp · 26/02/2019 18:24

YANBU. She's entitled to her make her life choices to suit her family, just as you are to suit yours. You don't have to justify them either. Ignore her.

NerdyBird · 26/02/2019 18:26

My PIL are considering a move abroad. I don't think they quite realise we won't be able to visit them for a long time due to the cost of paying for flights for 5 people, even if they could put us up. We'd also be restricted by two of the children having contact with their mother to be accommodated on top of school holidays.

Shookethtothecore · 26/02/2019 18:26

My BIL moved abroad. We won’t go to where he is as it’s half the world away and nowhere that’s good to go, will also cost thousands and the kids would be bored. He doesn’t moan tho, he understands and comes back often. Your SIL is being daft

AJPTaylor · 26/02/2019 18:27

Yanbu. My brother emigrated 20 years ago to the west coast of America.the flights/accommodation/ spends for a family of 5 Are ridiculous.

SurgeHopper · 26/02/2019 18:28

I agree - and I say this as the person who moved abroad!

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