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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think just because your relative moves abroad, it doesn’t mean you have to spend your precious holiday time and money visiting them?

145 replies

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 26/02/2019 17:47

My sister in law moved to the other side of the world five years ago and we are yet to visit. She thinks we are completely unreasonable but I think if you want to up sticks and live on the opposite side of the globe, then not getting as many visitors as you would like is just something you have to suck up and the cost of returning to see your family and friends is something you have to factor into your move?

I know it sounds a little heartless but why on earth should we have to use up our holiday allowance and vast sums of money because of her lifestyle choice?
She lives in a city and region that I have no particular interest in visiting, it is extremely hot when she would prefer us to visit and extremely cold during our school holidays. There are no direct flights and it takes a day of travel and over £800 per person (at the cheapest, it is usually £1000-1400) and we have a large family.

We have just booked for our summer holiday to a European city for one week followed by a beach week. We work hard, long hours, I’ve had a baby this year and need a rest. We need the holiday we have organised, not sitting in her house on the other side of the world doing what we would do when we visited her in St Albans but with a different language on the television.
She is throwing her toys out of the pram that we have “booked yet another holiday” (we holiday twice a year and one of those is camping) without going to visit her.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Springwalk · 26/02/2019 18:31

When you make the decision to move to the other side of the world, you do so in full knowledge that many many people won’t be able to visit you. The onus is on you to do the travelling as it is a big ask to expect others to do this. It is not a few hours in the car, but huge expense and distance, jet lag and stress.

I would ignore it and continue as you have been, she can always fly home and see you all.

I lived overseas and had loads of visitors, but we were all young without children. Totally different!

BarbarianMum · 26/02/2019 18:33

What does your dh think? Would he like to visit her?

Rtmhwales · 26/02/2019 18:53

YANBU. And I've lived abroad in four countries.

I actually had the opposite problem when I moved (briefly) to London before continuing onto Wales - suddenly I had an influx of relatives asking to pay me a visit because they so dearly missed me and free accommodation

Original poster
OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 26/02/2019 19:00

DH wouldn’t mind visiting but the travel and cost is putting him off. We both work really long, intense hours (although I’m on mat leave) and as much as he wants to see his sister, it seems a fleeting desire when he realises how few days of annual leave he actually has to “spend”.
He did say “I suppose the next time I see DS will be when x relative dies” recently, which made me sad. SIL is perfectly nice, I like her but I don’t like her enough to spend £10,000 to sit in her house for a fortnight.

OP posts:
MrsCollinssettled · 26/02/2019 19:00

I know a few people who have moved abroad. A common theme seems to be that coming home is always problematic because they have a limited stay in which to see friends and family. It involves a lot of travel and negotiation if one side of the family feels the other side is seeing more of them. They generally find it easier to have people go to visit them so they get more quality time with people.

On the other side though they have to accept that is part and parcel of deciding to emigrate. You can't assume that everyone will come and see you regularly.

There is then the issue of what happens when parents get elderly and need lots of support and the home based siblings have to bear the brunt of it. I've seen it a number of times where it causes rifts that can be difficult to heal.

Alicatz66 · 26/02/2019 19:02

YANBU at all ... she chose to go there .. I could understand if she'd moved to Spain and you hadn't gone .. but the expense involved would be too much for me as well .. don't beat yourself up OP Smile

BarbarianMum · 26/02/2019 19:19

Where on earth does she live where it costs 10k to visit for 2 weeks? Do you only fly 1st class?

Original poster
OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 26/02/2019 20:03

Barbarian it is a minimum of £800 each and we are a large family.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 26/02/2019 20:08

Long haul flights cost that much

HappyDinosaur · 26/02/2019 20:15

I have to disagree with some others, I by no means think you have to visit every year, but in 5 years you ought to have visited her once. It is of course your choice, but I find it really surprising and a little sad that you don't just want to see her.

Sindragosan · 26/02/2019 20:20

Not unreasonable. We moved deliberately to get a bit of space, and while we're happy to host (mostly) anyone who'd like to visit, we don't pressure anyone because it takes time and money etc. We accept that to see certain people, or large family groups it's up to us to travel as the ones that moved away, it's part of the choice you make when you choose to move.

RandomMess · 26/02/2019 20:32

DH needs to sort this...

DSIS it would cost us £10k to come visit you, let me know when you can find 50%

onthenaughtystepagain · 26/02/2019 20:37

The corollary is just because you move to a sunny place doesn't mean you want a constant stream of free-loaders visiting!

BackforGood · 26/02/2019 20:38

I was thinking the same as HappyDinosaur
If my sister (presumably by being your SiL, she is dh's sister?) had emigrated, then I would prioritise saving to go and see them over annual holidays to Europe.
Because I wanted to see her. Because I wanted to be able to picture where she lived, picture her hime, picture her friends, picture her work place, picture where she goes on weekends, etc etc etc.

I would also like my dc to have a relationship with their cousins.

Of course, if you have a big family, it is expensive to go on holiday, but presumably it is expensive for you to go on your annual holidays too ?

Obviously you won't be able to go that often, but within 5 years, I'd have certainly tried to go, or at least made a plan for when I was going.

SoyDora · 26/02/2019 20:41

YANBU. My IL’s retired abroad and they expect us to visit every year, which means we don’t get a proper ‘holiday’ as a family. We’re not going this year and they’re already guilt tripping us. They’re retired and have far far more disposable income than us but still expect us to use precious annual leave and our spare cash visiting them as where they live is ‘nicer’.

LostwithSawyer · 26/02/2019 20:51

It depends if you're being honest with her.
If she's being told "sorry we haven't been able to afford to come in the last 5 years", yet you are booking holidays every year then she has every right to be annoyed.
But if she has been told we don't want to visit that country as it doesn't interest us, really expensive, not child friendly, practical etc then she has to suck it up.

AuntMarch · 26/02/2019 20:53

I wouldn't inflict long haul flights on children even if they were paid for by the SIL.
OP said even meeting half way would be 8 hours!

Tell her she's welcome to overlap a holiday on Europe with you.

Original poster
OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 26/02/2019 22:01

presumably it is expensive for you to go on your annual holidays too?

It is expensive, yes but it’s about 1/3rd of the price and we get to do what we want, go where we like all at our own pace.

DH’s sister is lovely but we are very different and her idea of a holiday and mine/DH is very different and I simply don’t see why my annual leave days should be spent on her lifestyle choices.

OP posts:
Original poster
OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 26/02/2019 22:02

I’ve been honest with her that we only get so many days at certain times and we have to factor in school holidays too. I haven’t mentioned the money although there is an element of that too.
I just think it is selfish to expect people to throw away their holiday on your choices.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 26/02/2019 22:28

I just think it is selfish to expect people to throw away their holiday on your choices.

When my sister moved abroad, she didn't "expect" anyone to "throw away their holiday". There was a standing invitation, and, oddly enough, people who loved her wanted to visit her.

Clearly you don't want to. That is fine, or would be fine if it were just about you. You need to listen to your dh and your dc, as it is their sister / Aunty / cousins, rather than lots of strangers on the internet though. Of course a lot of people don't travel to visit relatives who move abroad - up to them, as it is up to you, but that 'you' includes the rest of your family.

Sewrainbow · 26/02/2019 22:32

Yanbu - I visited my sibling once in Australia in the 6 years he lived there and it was because me and dh wanted to holiday there. When he then moved to usa we didn't see him unless he came home, we had small dc and couldn't justify it money or holiday entitlement.

She is being unreasonable if she can't understand why you can't manage it.

As an aside it annoys me when people thi k they can dictate your holiday time. I once had a friend want to arrange a girly weekend with old school friends over a weekend and she wrote about using Friday because we can have annual leave - er no, my annual leave is allocated as soon as it's given on childcare and holidays I want to do with my family! I wouldn't mind but she never even asked just presumed...

PinkSquidgyPig · 26/02/2019 23:46

YANBU I have a friend who has just come bank from NZ after 12 weeks visiting family (on her own) she is really really struggling with the jet lag despite being back for 4-5 days now.
Jet lag with a young baby and several other little children - whoop de do!
Tell your SIL to watch 'Wanted down under' in particular the faces of the participants when they realise that they may not see some friends and relatives for many many years, or never again.

I can see how it would easily become getting on for £10k. Flights/renting a house (that you still have to keep decent/cook/wash up etc versus a nice hotel in Europe? However lovely it would be to see his sisters new environment that's a lot of money, would impact other plans/needs and with the assistance of Skype she can easily show you round her home/area.

I have just been released from having to spend 2-3 weeks every summer in S of France visiting my parents, latterly with my primary age dd (who hates the heat). It's not all fun having relatives offering 'free holidays'.
(My mother has now moved back to the uk a few yrs after my father died, phew).

Tantruminateacup · 27/02/2019 00:04

We moved very far away from our family 8yrs ago and I totally get what your saying......but, just to give you the other sides view. Weve travelled home every year since we moved. I suggested to my family them all coming here for Christmas 2020. The main reason for this is I really want them all to see the amazing place we live and have a great shared experience. Sadly they dont seem at all keen & offered to contribute to our airfare to travel home. Whilst the is reallly kind of them it.misses the point totally.

leonasa · 27/02/2019 01:11

It depends how much you care about her and want to keep a close relationship with her tbh! If you do, and she's going to continue to be away, then you could make the effort once every few years. People move away for all sorts of reasons and I don't think it's as simple as "they chose to go, so..." I have lived abroad for many years and am now home, I totally understand why some people never visited and wouldn't expect them to but I have to say I kind of noted the ones that made the effort - they were the ones that really wanted to see me! As you say she comes back a lot and that also costs a fortune and it probably isn't that fun for her or her family either as when you come home it tends to be a case of having to see every single relative/friend in two weeks or people get upset with you.

Yes, they chose to go, and no, you don't have to visit them, but if you care about them then it would be nice if perhaps you made the effort at least once in a while...

BartonHollow · 27/02/2019 01:22

Wrote out a long post but essentially, got that T-shirt YANBU