to think just because your relative moves abroad, it doesn’t mean you have to spend your precious holiday time and money visiting them?

[OVAgroundWOMBlingfree]

My sister in law moved to the other side of the world five years ago and we are yet to visit. She thinks we are completely unreasonable but I think if you want to up sticks and live on the opposite side of the globe, then not getting as many visitors as you would like is just something you have to suck up and the cost of returning to see your family and friends is something you have to factor into your move?

I know it sounds a little heartless but why on earth should we have to use up our holiday allowance and vast sums of money because of her lifestyle choice?
She lives in a city and region that I have no particular interest in visiting, it is extremely hot when she would prefer us to visit and extremely cold during our school holidays. There are no direct flights and it takes a day of travel and over £800 per person (at the cheapest, it is usually £1000-1400) and we have a large family.

We have just booked for our summer holiday to a European city for one week followed by a beach week. We work hard, long hours, I’ve had a baby this year and need a rest. We need the holiday we have organised, not sitting in her house on the other side of the world doing what we would do when we visited her in St Albans but with a different language on the television.
She is throwing her toys out of the pram that we have “booked yet another holiday” (we holiday twice a year and one of those is camping) without going to visit her.

AIBU?

As long as you're not complaining that she doesn't see you either.

We don't expect our family to come see us regularly since we moved to the other side of the world, but then I don't appreciate that they try to make us feel guilty for not going to see them regularly. We have small DCs and both work, similarly don't want to spend all of our holiday visiting family.

DH going alone would use up his holiday entitlement and then have no holiday days left to spend with OP and the kids.

DSis is abroad we skype for 30 to 60 mins once a week.

Probably better catch ups than if we saw each other regularly!

Sadly my oldest, bestest friend emigrated ten years ago (we have known each other 40 years) her parting words were she would visit or we would every 18 months.

She comes back alone once every three years. Her DH dropped contact with us the day he left and she can’t afford to bring the kids. We went once. It cost a fortune. We saw all that she had “local” and took a plane to the next big famous city up.

It was all a bit meh. Her DH seemed very resentful we were there (and this was someone who we had seen weekly for decades and had probably 15 holidays with). Her kids barely said a word. All my friend did say how amazing the country was and how shit the UK is, whilst All I thought was “is this it?” I couldn’t wait to leave.

It’s sad, I miss her and how she was, we can afford to go back. But I won’t, and if I did it wouldn’t be in that part of the country or to meet them.

DH’s brother has lived abroad for many years. DH has been out to visit him on his own once but we’ve never gone as a family. It would be hot and expensive and it’s not somewhere we’re that interested in going to. YANBU.

Dh and I were on the opposite side of this. We lived in various different places in Western Europe - in the U.K.now. But dh is from Europe. Even when we lived an hour away from his family for a few years they couldn’t be bothered to come and see us. They also couldn’t be bothered to come and see us at his fathers house when we visited, which was between 2 mins and half an hour away. Always open invitations to come and see them. This involved traipsing round 6-10 people’s houses each time we visited. After 15 years I called time on it.

You say his sister visited 3 times, twice for funerals. Ergo once to see family. Did she visit alone or with the entire family each time? How long did she stay?

These threads/issues always baffle me...

The coercive "if you love her" type sentiments!

Do you know something? Even if you do love someone, if the cost is prohibitive (at least without sacrificing all other holidays for a few years); if the logistics are not prohibitive but will certainly impact upon the enjoyment of all concerned; if the circumstances are not conducive to an enjoyable break, nor a 'holiday'; and if you just plain don't want to... you don't actually have to.

Yanbu BUT even though you have no obligation, it is a nice thing to do once in every x years. We live abroad and love it when family come. If i had a family member i was very close to, I'd imagine being a bit upset they won't make the effort to come see where i live. Is there no compromise solution?

I can never understand why people choose to move so far away from people they love and want to see. To me people are more important than places so I would rather live close enough to see them and holiday in more exotic places. I think if people choose to live on the other side of the world they are making their priorities fairly clear, and that’s fine, but you can’t have it all ways.

@chocatoo are you serious?? Some ppl have little choice if their career/job needs them to do a stint abroad!! Also unless you meet and marry someone from the same town you are from (which actually happens you know) then you have to live “away” from one family. For example my husband and I are from two different countries...we can only live in one country!! We live near my family but away from his. We have lived in the country where he is from too for a period of time. And we also lived in a completely different country for another 4 years as his job needed him there. So THAT Is why ppl move. Its called opportunity 🙄

*Not from the same town

Rules but chocatoo did specifically say people who choose to do so. It’s different when circumstances require it.

My friend emigrated to Australia with none of the reasons you give - she just fancied a hotter climate. Each to their own but it wouldn’t be my choice.

No you are not being uneasonable. She chose to move so far away.

It's all about priorities, isn't it?

We live abroad (in Europe, not so too far from UK) and my parents come out regularly. My in-laws don't. Both arrangements are fine with us.

But equally when we go to the UK, I only do it to visit my family. I don't tell people we go because we are expected to go and see everyone who don't bother with us the rest of the time but get offended if we don't pop in for a cup of tea. It isn't a holiday, and I actually resent going there now. Thankfully we usually go away for three nights of the week (with my family).

Equally though, my BIL lived in HK for 7 years, during that time I was pretty much pregnant or BF with a small baby (we have a large family too). The thought of a long haul flight made me come out in cold sweats, and again, we couldn't justify the expense. So DH went on his own for a week, had a fabulous time and everyone was happy.

So, YANBU. But equally, neither is she. Communication and honesty are key here.

YANBU from someone who has emigrated half way around the world. Although it goes both ways and I have zero desire to spend all my holidays traipsing back to Europe to drag around seeing family.

It's a little simplistic to imply that those that move away care less about the their families (although it seems quite a popular assumption on mumsnet).
I have lived outside the UK for over 24 years and my son now lives in the UK and we are still in China. I think he still have a close relationship and I respect the choices he has made.

Holy unreasonable SIL!

It took eleven years after I moved to Scandinavia for my brother and his family to come and visit me. I wasn't hurt by this, it costs money and time! I'm just really chuffed they finally made it last year and we had a great time. Another of my brothers has visited just once about four years ago, I'm also okay with this, he'll come if he wants to and that's his decision. Three of my older siblings haven't visited at all! This is also okay!

When I am back in the UK (twice a year) we all tend to just agree to meet up somewhere in the middle of where everybody lives for an afternoon and it's lovely. We usually manage it once a year (because to be fair we are a LOT of siblings to coordinate), but I see them all in smaller groups on the other trip. It works out, it's nice!

Nobody should be obligated to spend their money and holiday time visiting a family member if that's not what they want to do. ffs. She's being ridiculous.

I think the key here is in two of your statements - that you are on maternity leave and have "lots" of kids. No way would I be travelling long haul with fairly young children.

I only just ventured on a 10 hour flight with a 9 &12 yo!! Previous maximum was 3 hours!

I'm guessing you have 4 kids and if you have a baby I bet they are all under 10....

If you move abroad the onus is on you to return - if family visit you it's a bonus. Bil didn't visit us at all when we lived overseas so I don't feel bad we haven't visited him, oz is way too far!

Oops. Pressed post too soon. I mean if we go to the UK then I don't like travelling all over the country to see people. I figure if they want to see us then we should all meet half way. We like having people visit us overseas but it isn't a deal breaker if they don't. Likewise though I think if we're based in a town in the UK and people don't want to travel an hour or two to see us then I'm nit that bothered about seeing them.

@Arowana even when you move for work it’s a choice, nobody holds a gun to your head and says “move now!” It’s a decision you still have to make: take the opportunity or not. Those decisions are not lighthearted. I have cousins who moved to oz, for the “reasons” you state but when you really ask them, you’ll actually find they were somewhat lost or unsettled where they lived, they wanted more etc etc. usually those are the ppl who don’t insist that family visit to be honest. (Based on the 10 or do ppl I know who move for non work reasons) and actually in thinking about it most do move because the work opportunity/opportunities to earn more money faster are better. They just don’t say it really. And for perspective OP I have visited all my family members around the world at least once so ppl do visit if they want, which is why I find it offensive that my SIL, BIL and their families haven’t visited us yet complain that they haven’t seen us in “soooo long” 🙄

@ShanghaiDiva Yes!!! That is true. Some people seem to think it is a reflection of our depth if feeling for family etc. It is very odd to me.

Can't your sil compromise with you all and instead if you all flying out to her, and her flying out to you, you all go on the cheapest (but fun and family friendly) vacation somewhere midway between both countries...and if you all went all inclusive it would cover the cost of accommodation, flights, food, drinks, snacks, kids club, entertainment etc...that way you get the kind of holiday where there's stuff for your kids to do in the resort, you and dh can have a wander out of the resort and explore the town...and dh and DD also get to spend a bit of time together (but there would be plenty of stuff for you all to do so that she is occupied when you want family time without her)....maybe that would be an option?

Or maybe dh can fly over to meet her once a year?..

My db emiglrated many years ago. He comes home every second year with his quite large family. On the alternate years someone in the family tries to visit . But only because we are mad to see them all, can't wait. They live in a big city which probably wouldn't be our first choice holiday wise but we love our visits as its a different dynamic being in their home and they make us very welcome. However it is very expensive to fly so it has meant major saving . But its our choice. I don't look on it as his decision to go as a major recession here drove a lot of people to emigrate at that time.
If my dh didn't want to go l would go on my own every few years as l am determined to keep in touch as much as possible and l don't want his dc to grow up without knowing me .
So its up to you what to do. She can't force it but give it some consideration as it could be fun.

Another factor is how much time would you spend with them out there? Are they working? Would they take time off to be with you? Will they want to visit places/do things that you want to do or are they bored with them and expect you to do it on your own?

Two expat friends. One living in location with loads to do was upfront that due to the numbers of visitors and their lack of holidays it was basically a case of doing your own thing and seeing them in the evening.

Other friend living in area with not much to do. Working and bored with local attractions. Visitors tend to end up either lazing round their pool all day or doing the host's shopping/cleaning/washing during the day.

Both friends get frustrated with visitors not appreciating that they have to work and that there are only so many times you can visit local attractions without getting very bored. There is also the financial aspect of guests wanting to do things/eat out a lot as well as having to feed extra mouths.

Equally though they can lose sight of the fact that visitors are using up holiday to visit and have come to see them. Spending most of the holiday doing their own thing/host's housework isn't necessarily something that people want to do on a regular basis when there are other places to go.