Aibu to be scared of moving abroad?

[coco123456789]

We have a chance to move to Oz for a job DH has been offered. But I am terrified at the prospect (though also maybe a bit excited at the potential too?). We have 3 DC - 1,5 and 7. It's a good job, good money. We are in London and my eldest DC's friends already seem to have started with tutors, loads of talk about schools etc and that sort of thing really stresses me out. She is only 7! Don't get me wrong, I think school is important and I went to Oxbridge but certainly never had a tutor or any of that stress in those days. Competitive London mums and schools isn't what I want and so am probably ready for a move anyway. But my worry is, how will the kids find it? And how will I find it? I won't have any support network and currently I have my parents and brother within 30mins of me so I always have someone to call if I need help with the kids. I worry about leaving my parents (early 70s) as they don't get on well and neither really have friends. Their lives are based around the DC. So is it selfish to take their main source of joy away? But would it be good for me and DH to strike out on our own? I am a bit of a mummy's girl I guess and it could be good for us to have our own adventure? Oh, I don't know. Any insight from anyone who has done it / regretted it appreciated!
Ps, aim would be to stay about 3 years

Pbobs I think that when it comes to massive life-changing choices like this, there is no "family" if one parent is unsure.

We did it nearly five years ago with a 2 and 4 year old - best thing we did.

I would do it in a heart beat. I have 2 sets of friends that have moved successfully and adored it.
But this is about you, you seem to want to see the negatives and assume your marriage will not be strong enough.
Explore the situation. Is there any posssibility of coming home earlier if you find it doesn't work ?
Good luck with your decision. Try not to let fear rule your life.
Your reasons for not going are some of them valid but also try not to focus on the illogical or fantastical.

You seriously cannot have decided within the space of a few hours and on the basis of a few posts from random stranger to say no to this, without any discussion with your husband.

It would be even more bizarre to say no on the basis of a mere possibility that you might get divorced, if you don't feel your marriage is currently rocky - and there's no hint of that in your posts. On the other hand, stopping your husband from taking a fantastic opportunity has the potential to make your marriage very rocky indeed.

Three years is really not a long time and, in an English-speaking country, there is no reason why you have to be lonely and bored if you make a bit of effort to get to know people.

It sounds as if you are assuming you would sell up here and buy in Australia if you go, and then presumably do the reverse on your return - which sounds a massive faff. What about renting out your house in London and renting in Australia? Would that give you more security about moving back easily?

On the other hand, stopping your husband from taking a fantastic opportunity has the potential to make your marriage very rocky indeed

That's actually a good point.

We don't have kids so v different situation but if my DH didn't want to go somewhere mostly because of inertia and paranoia i would find it very difficult to get past this, even if he also had some valid contributory arguments.

I mean how do you make it up to them?

@HennyPennyHorror I disagree. It seems the OP had already mostly made her decision without much discussion and off the basis of a few posts on here - a site notorious for not approving of people moving overseas. To be honest I am surprised that anyone thinks this is a decision to be made without at least a couple of comversations as a couple. Even if it's just to try and vocalise and rationalise why you don't want to move. I don't agree that one person's opinion trumps having a discussion as a family,

PBobs It's very difficult...on the one hand, he wants to go...she's unsure...she could dismiss her fears and try it...but in doing that, there's a HUGE risk for her.

The loss of her freedom. She could be made to stay there.

This is reality and it's a BIG risk...takes a lot of trust to emigrate with kids.

On the other hand, he's missing out on a chance of a lifetime...but is missing out on a job worse than being trapped in a country you don't want to be trapped in?

I don't think so. Other opportunities will come up.

I would say go but have an agreement that it’s for the three years and no more. It would be a lovely experience.

However, I genuinely don’t get the posts saying everyone surfs and has a great outdoors lifestyle in Australia. I have Australian relatives and have been many times. It’s a country like any other with good bits and bad bits. On average they actually get less annual leave than UK and probably almost as many obese people percentage wise from what I’ve seen. The cost of living e.g. utility bills, food are much higher. The houses are often not built as well even if they are bigger. The temperature keeps rising - I genuinely believe climate change will cause a mass migration from Australia within my lifetime.

They speak the same language but culturally are very different. Calling Southern Europeans ‘wogs’ and Asians ‘chinks’ isn’t seen as a problem outside of the very metropolitan types. I’m mixed raced and people are comfortable saying this in front of me! There is crime, go online and read Aussie newspapers. The last time I was there a lot of crime seemed to involve people off their heads on meth and they were really violent too crimes too like meth head strippers trying to cut a blokes head off!

I find Melbourne a lot more tolerant of difference than Sydney and a bit like London in some ways other than having a beach - lucky sods!

It’s a very lovely country with breathtaking wildlife and scenery. Go for it but it’s not paradise, nowhere is. Go for the experience with a return plan in place.

@hennypennyhorror other opportunities no doubt will come up but there will always be the same risks you're outlining unless the job opportunities are in the UK. So it's basically saying I'm willing to sacrifice every opportunity to stay in the UK which is obviously fine, but a big statement to make. I personally would struggle with my partner telling me that but it may not matter too much to OP's husband. We are all different.

Have you ever even been to Australia? There's no way I would consider such a big move if I hadn't even visited the place. I've only spent a short time there, but the biggest thing that struck me is how very, very far it is from the UK.

Also in my experience SAHM isn’t really a thing in the big cities (can’t speak for everywhere) unless you are rich. Every middle class woman I know with kids aged 2-3+works.

It’s a friendly culture but it’s not like there will be loads of women with time on their hands waiting to become friends with the new foreigner. Breaking into friendship groups won’t be any easier than it is here.

@HennyPennyHorror but the arguments you have just put forth from both perspectives are surely the kind of dialogue the OP should be having with her husband. That is exactly the sort of thing that they should be discussing before the discussion is had and decision is made on whether to stay or go. Frankly I think they'd be bonkers not to have a go but that is my personal opinion based on my experience and my relationship with my husband. Clearly OP is not me and needs to have her own dialogues and discussions. You are making assumptions in your post - it is possible the OP is doing the same in her internal deliberations and it is equally possible she isn't. We actually have no idea and we don't know if OP knows entirely how her husband feels. If you can't have good conversations about this as a couple then you probably shouldn't go. The one thing moving overseas has shown me is that you end up being even more intertwined and reliant on eachother as a couple.

PBobs where has the OP said she HASN'T spoken to her husband though? I'm sure she's spoken to him at length and came her for more opinions and advice.

@HennyPennyHorror She hasn't. I was replying to your post saying this doesn't warrant a family discussion given OP doesn't want to go. We have no idea what has and has not been discussed - as I tried to express in my post.

pbobs I never said it didn't warrant family discussion.

HennyPennyHorror the post below seemed to suggest otherwise. That's what I picked up on.

Pbobs I think that when it comes to massive life-changing choices like this, there is no "family" if one parent is unsure.

I didn't mean "no discussion" though. I meant that if one person, after discussion and thought STILL feels they don't want to go....then either one part of the couple goes or nobody goes.

The loss of her freedom. She could be made to stay there.

This is reality and it's a BIG risk...takes a lot of trust to emigrate with kids.

It's a risk, but it's not a BIG risk unless the marriage is already rocky. Even if OP and her husband were to split up, it's not a given that he would want to stay in Australia, or would demand that she and their child do so, or that she wouldn't decide she'd like to stay there anyway, or that if she did want to go with her child the courts would prevent it. Frankly, this particularly bit of doom-mongering is massively unhelpful and disproportionate.

I agree that the thread seemed to have disintegrated into a discussion about how it can all go wrong. Of course it can all go wrong, as indeed in can do anywhere, and obviously if you're overseas it's harder

Saturday nobody knows what will happen within their marriage. Nobody.

All the threads on here you see...with women in disbelief and shock at their husband's behaviour with affairs or just leaving suddenly.

It happens. It's life. And if it happens in Australia, you might end up stuck. It's a real thing...now I moved out here, to Oz knowing all that and considering it.
I would NEVER have come if I wasn't completely happy with the thought of staying forever. My DH is wonderful...but people can change...who knows?
It's not "doom-mongering" but a dose of reality. Why anyone wouldn't WANT to know the risks...some people don't realise this can happen and they move out here without ever realising that.

OP - i think people are just speaking of their own experiences. Of course it could all go right, you all move out there, husband earns mega bucks, all of you have great tans and become pro-surfers, weather is lovely, the grass is greener. I just think people are trying to give you a reality check that it might also NOT be like that, there is an element of lonliness perhaps, isolation, resentment, boredom.

NCfor this - I don't want to go there for the weather and outdoor life etc. so we wouldn't be moving there because we are looking for a dream lifestyle. we don't actively want to move there especially. I'm just trying to see if I could make it work for a few years so DH can do this role. He will be ok as he'll be doing a job he loves and he's not that close to his parents. A 2 week visit once a year with his parents will be fine for him. But I speak to my mum most days! But as I said in my OP, I do often feel that I am
Too much of a mummy's girl and it might be good for my family to have this adventure, just the 5 of us, while the kids are still young.

If it's temporary then why not try it. It will force you to be more independent of your parents which is no bad thing. And you can always come home if it's a disaster.

Following your latest post I’d say go. You seem to be realistic in that you don’t think Australia is some kind of fantasy paradise where everyone surfs and is smiling all the time! It has good and bad bits like anywhere else as does England.

It will be a great experience.

MumUnderTheMoon Facepalm.

1. DC's don't want to return. She can't return

1. DH doesn't want to return. She can't return, maybe solo, IF he lets her.

1. Relationship goes to hell. She can't return.

PLEASE RTFT

Bowing out. Tried to give advice and it fell on deaf ears.