Aibu to be scared of moving abroad?

[coco123456789]

We have a chance to move to Oz for a job DH has been offered. But I am terrified at the prospect (though also maybe a bit excited at the potential too?). We have 3 DC - 1,5 and 7. It's a good job, good money. We are in London and my eldest DC's friends already seem to have started with tutors, loads of talk about schools etc and that sort of thing really stresses me out. She is only 7! Don't get me wrong, I think school is important and I went to Oxbridge but certainly never had a tutor or any of that stress in those days. Competitive London mums and schools isn't what I want and so am probably ready for a move anyway. But my worry is, how will the kids find it? And how will I find it? I won't have any support network and currently I have my parents and brother within 30mins of me so I always have someone to call if I need help with the kids. I worry about leaving my parents (early 70s) as they don't get on well and neither really have friends. Their lives are based around the DC. So is it selfish to take their main source of joy away? But would it be good for me and DH to strike out on our own? I am a bit of a mummy's girl I guess and it could be good for us to have our own adventure? Oh, I don't know. Any insight from anyone who has done it / regretted it appreciated!
Ps, aim would be to stay about 3 years

I wouldn't do it. I used to live 5 mins away from my family, I then moved about an hour away and I was so homesick, even thought I saw them once a week. It would kill me being so far away and my mum would be heartbroken too.

You say you would have double the income, but what about living costs? And will your husband get a job in the UK after the 3 years. Also what if one of you wants to come home after 3 years and the other one doesn't?

YANBU to feel how you do. But I don't think your parents should impact on your decision tbh no one would ever move far from their parents thinking like that. It isn't selfish to prioritise your family and the lifestyle in Oz does seem to be great for kids. I think you should be concerning yourself more with you eg I am a pale, indoorsy, sun hater a move to Oz wouldn't suit me at all, so you think it will suit you?

I remember reading this www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-australia-36299682 a few years ago after a relative in australia complained that every time she made an ex-pat friend they moved home again! It really surprised me to be honest. My relative has actually made the decision to stay, but not to have children as planned as they see a lot less of their partner than they did in the UK so don't feel they have a good balance for family life.

Unless I desperately wanted to emigrate there is no way I'd do it for a job because life is a lot more than work.

Kids do just go their local. Unless you pay for private education. You live in a good area, you get a good local. If you're wealthy there are excellent private schools, ranging from $2000 a year to $40,000.
I'm always confused by the British school system, the entrance exams and locals/public/grammar/comp. I wish I could work it out!

*...schools were really good in Oz and kids just go to their local and I liked the sound of it. So it's useful to know that's not necessarily the case.”

On the whole schools in Australia are pretty good, particularly at primary level. If you move to a rural area you might have less choice, but there may be advantages in terms of class size. And it’s also true that there are exceptional government schools in rural areas.

I have friends who emigrated to Australia from the UK, many years ago. One set of parents followed them and they’re happily ensconced in a country town.

But Australia is, despite its British connections and common language, a foreign country. It is also very big and areas are very different from each other. Living in Darwin is not much like living in Sydney; WA is very different to Melbourne. Living in Byron Bay is nothing like living in Dubbo, even though they’re in the same state.

It might help you to work out where you would be likely to live, and then see if that place ticks boxes for you, rather than considering the country as a whole.

People go to live in Paris or New York or the Tuscan countryside, not necessarily the country itself. If you think about moving to Australia in a similar way, you might find it easier to get to grips with the decision.

@wendycope ok fair enough!

I have done this recently, not OZ.
It had been the biggest adventure of my life. I have learned things I never thought I would, our own little family has become much closer as a result and I’d say my relationship with DH has strengthened. We had to, to do this together on our own.
Kids (mine were 9, 6 and 2 at time moving) settled really well. I was worried about being lonely and honestly it hasn’t been an issue. People were I am are so friendly and I learned really early to be brave and confident and just put myself out there. I’d have never done that before.
My DH also has a unique opportunity work wise and faced an uncertain future if we had stayed in the UK. His work life balance is now incredible. This has been a total game changer for us.
Of course there are things I miss back home. We’ve visited yearly since being away and every time I’ve been excited to come back. Our parents have visited us here and enjoyed it.
There is no way of knowing how it will work out. You could love it. You may not.
For me the decision came down to could I live with myself for not taking the opportunity, for letting it pass us by. What would I say to my kids later in life when they learned that we had turned down the opportunity to experience a different life. I knew then that I had to at least give it a go, otherwise the ‘what ifs’ would haunt me.
Good luck OP, let us know what you decide x

Bear in mind that should you decide you want to return home and your DH doesn't....he can keep the children in Australia without your consent.

That's the law...and it's a really important thing to consider.

Equally the OP might run away with Brad, a rugged surf instructor, and refuse her DH permission to take the kids back home to the UK because she's too busy shagging Brad.

If that sounds an unlikely scenario OP then i would give your husband the benefit of the doubt and assume that he won't cheat on you and try to imprison you in Australia against your will.

Honestly if my husband gave 'but you might cheat on me and steal my children' as a reason not to take an opportunity to move overseas I'd probably divorce him and go ahead without him.

By all means don't go if the cons outweigh the pros for you - it's a huge decision - but please don't let these horror stories influence you.

Dexy well she might and if her DH was on here posting about this then I'd advise him the same thing.

This is coming from someone (me) who'se already made the shift from the UK to Oz with a DH and kids in tow.

We considered it VERY carefully and discussed what would happen if we broke up etc.
Of course all the discussion in the world won't matter if one of the party decide they don't like it and want to go home if the other doesn't.

It's naive in the extreme to think this won't happen or can't happen to you.

It happened to a friend of mine. She's from Belgium and so is her ex. They came together to Oz with their DC...3 years in, he had an affair and left her. Then he refused to let her leave for Belgium. Naturally...he was shacked up with an Aussie woman 10 years younger.

He didn't WANT to go back to rainy old Belgium. My friend is still here, still miserable and broken hearted.

HOWEVER...DH I are very happy. Just saying...shit goes wrong sometimes.

I think the decision will be not to go. The posts on here and made me realise that it's not just a fun experience but there is so much that could go wrong and that needs to be considered. I think DH will always resent me that I destroyed his career opportunity, and that is probably not good for our future. But better to fall out here than in another country, as everyone has said.

I'm glad you've come to peace with your decision coco :) Best of luck for the future!

OP, I think you are looking for reasons not to even consider this, before you and your DH have had a chance to talk it through properly. Of course disasters can happen, and people are right to point out the potential downsides I think there is such a non-culture of emigration in the UK, that people have a very silly idea of what it's like to move to another country and obviously it's not a summons. But you seem equally gloomy about going and about not going!

I think that given your current, comfortable situation...why would you change it? When DH and I moved out here, we were living in a dank council flat...he was working all hours and I had a part time job...I couldn't find ANYTHING else.

We could NOT make ends meet despite the low rent.

When his parents offered to pay the costs of emigrating, we jumped at it. Things have been amazing really...but our situation is not the same as yours and if I owned a home in London and was comfortable, I would not have left.
As it was, we had a better future in Oz...DH got work immediately...much better money. I found excellent work too...far better than I had in England.

But it's not for everyone.

Pishogue, you're right. I do seem gloomy about both. Gloomy about going and also now gloomy about staying here as I know I am basically saying to DH that I don't support his career as this opportunity for him is incredible. I wish it had never happened. I am gloomy as it would involve crazy hours. He already works crazy hours here but at least I am near my family, friends and everything familiar. This could be a chance to get rich, but my fear, as has been mentioned by others, is that he gets a taste for it and doesn't want to go back. When we married he wasn't ambitious like this - I just want to have a very simple life, he wants something else. I don't think it's about moving so much, but maybe a realization that we want totally different things! Oh dear...

I would move to Australia in a heart beat!

It's not that you don't support his career. You don't choose to support it to the extent of moving to the other side of the world.

He is free to go without you after all. But you'd not be free to return if you decided you didn't like being a trailing spouse.

It's hard for partners who come just for the career of their spouse. As you say, he'd work long hours and you'd be alone.

Yes, you might make friends...but when Christmas comes and you have no immediate family apart from your unit, it's HARD. I have my inlaws here...and DH's Aunties...this has made all the difference as my DC still get to enjoy a Grandma and Grandad...cousins and Aunts.

If we didn't have that, it would be isolating.

Ah look OP if you're not feeling it don't beat yourself up about it. You both have to really want to move to Australia it's not like choosing between a semi with a garage or detached with no off-road parking. You can't compromise on it.

I do still think you should make your choice based on the realities of life here and there, and not the worst case scenarios, but it's clear from your response that you fear your quality of life (as a family) would suffer if you went and that's a very legit reason not to go.

Coco your concerns are not at all unreasonable! Please don't doubt that your worries are not as valid as DP's career aspirations. Rich is not the be all and end all if you are miserable. It'll mean nothing. Don't doubt yourself, if you don't want to go because you'll be lonely and isolated, that's more than enough reason not to.

OP wise choice IMO. You have to factor that with young DC's and a very hardworking DH, you will be carrying the can with the childcare.

Resentment builds in this scenario and as you have no friends/family nearby to vent, it does get worse. No matter how much you love each other. He is fulfilled, you not so much...

Even if he DIDN'T stop you leaving with the children (IF the worst happened) you would be back at square one, in London? with a husband and father in Australia.

Not a good scenario.

Considering the (absolutely normal) strain and stress moving to the other side of the world with tiny DC's, this would put on your marriage, I really am pleased you are considering not going.

Of course, it could all be a bed of roses in the blistering heat, days away from home, with small Dc's, but I think not.

I can't leave my country, my husband would gladly let me take DD, I imagine. (I do all childcare) But where would I be? In the UK with no job, DD with no school and out of her settled way of life and school and friends and an absent father.

Married 16 years, thought it would be amazing, we loved each other dearly, but it all crumbled after 10 years here. Husbands country. Nightmare situation to be in and I am lonelier than I can possibly describe.

These are not horror stories, they are what happens, sadly, when you are the 'trailing spouse'

You sound like you have a great life now!

I feel bad for you op that you have been talked out of this by strangers on the internet. Your original post was quite positive and you seemed excited by an adventure.
There is risk attached to every single decision you make in life- you should talk it through in detail with your DH before you decide not to go. You both have to be on the same page for it to work, agreed, and you shouldn't go if you don't want to but don't make snap decisions based on Internet opinions.

i wanted to come back and say my previous posts weren't meant to change your mind, but to make you aware of the all too real possible consequences, so you can make the most informed decision you can.

Dexy is correct in that a situation like mine is worst case, but unfortunately it IS extremely common among the expat community and I'm not sure s/he can appreciate the seriousness having not been in the situation. if i had been childless, i would have returned home immediately when I wanted to - children change everything as I'm sure you know.

if you do the research and are satisfied that you can either easily return with your children or that you would be willing to potentially settle in australia permanently (and legally), then your other considerations come into play.

in my case i was willing to settle permanently in the US before I went, but wasn't aware i would possibly not be able to and/or have to leave my child behind. if the right person and opportunity came up, i would consider returning to the US but this time not until my legal status there was firm.

I've moved home to Aus after nearly 10 years in London. We are so much better off financially, and after a bit of a slog dh has just secured a job of a life time. If I told you what we bring home monthly after tax you wouldn't believe me i hardly believe it myself

Life is expensive here, but we've adjusted now, mostly! I never thought London was expensive though as we lived within our means.

But I have come home to family and friends, so its a big difference to your situation. My dh was on-board totally.

We will ping back to the northern hemisphere at some point but probably not until my dc are much older.

I feel bad for you op that you have been talked out of this by strangers on the internet. Your original post was quite positive and you seemed excited by an adventure. There is risk attached to every single decision you make in life- you should talk it through in detail with your DH before you decide not to go.

I agree with this. And bear in mind that not going is a decision, too. You can't turn back time to a point where the opportunity wasn't offered so that you could duck making a call either way.

gloomy about staying here as I know I am basically saying to DH that I don't support his career as this opportunity for him is incredible.

You don't 'owe' his career a move to the other side of the world that you don't want, and that doesn't benefit you, just lets you being stuck as doing most of the parenting for three young children on another continent while he concentrates on work. No one 'owes' anyone that.

DH and I have taken it roughly in turns to move for one another's work -- he moved countries for my PhD, and I did move to the ME for his work, but I hated it, and the work available in my field there was deeply unappealing, so we moved to London instead (we're not from the UK) to favour my work. Several years later we moved to a different part of England for a very good opportunity for him (but less so for me), and the next move will be to benefit my work, and may be to one of several countries. Obviously we need to factor in our six year old as well, now, otherwise I suspect we'd both be happy to move on every few years.