Aibu to be scared of moving abroad?

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We have a chance to move to Oz for a job DH has been offered. But I am terrified at the prospect (though also maybe a bit excited at the potential too?). We have 3 DC - 1,5 and 7. It's a good job, good money. We are in London and my eldest DC's friends already seem to have started with tutors, loads of talk about schools etc and that sort of thing really stresses me out. She is only 7! Don't get me wrong, I think school is important and I went to Oxbridge but certainly never had a tutor or any of that stress in those days. Competitive London mums and schools isn't what I want and so am probably ready for a move anyway. But my worry is, how will the kids find it? And how will I find it? I won't have any support network and currently I have my parents and brother within 30mins of me so I always have someone to call if I need help with the kids. I worry about leaving my parents (early 70s) as they don't get on well and neither really have friends. Their lives are based around the DC. So is it selfish to take their main source of joy away? But would it be good for me and DH to strike out on our own? I am a bit of a mummy's girl I guess and it could be good for us to have our own adventure? Oh, I don't know. Any insight from anyone who has done it / regretted it appreciated!
Ps, aim would be to stay about 3 years

You will have conflicting thoughts. Write down all the pros and cons of going and staying. Clear your head. Get up one day and then go with your heart.

I got the offer. Couldn't decide. I squeezed myself on the Tube one day. Damp from the rain and I thought 'if I don't go I will spend my life thinking 'what if''. So we did it. Haven't looked back once.

It doesn't have to be forever but you will have had an adventure in any event.

Another expat here. Honestly, I wouldn’t do it again. I’m in the US, been here 12 years. I have given up everything, and basically ruined my life. I’m now on antidepressants, something I had never in my life needed until now.

I can’t get a job despite having a PhD and lots of experience. I have no friends- very much seen as an outsider, and friends from the UK have disappeared off the face of the earth. I am shocked by the racism, which is getting worse.

In the meantime DH’s career has gone stratospheric, but that also means very long hours, a lot of travel, working most weekends and very little time off. We basically have no social life at all which makes it tough.

Thanks all - sorry to hear that about being depressed. There seems to be a theme here about the strength of a relationship in how it all pans out. I have a friend who moved and her husband is now loaded (earning upwards of £1m a year plus bonuses) and she enjoys being the kept lady, tennis lunches etc. however she fully admitted that she decided to just make the most of it as that was the way life was going and for a few years it's a fun experience but not like 'real life', just a crazy interlude

Just go for it. It's only 3 years, it'll go very quickly. Enjoy new adventures. There's a big world out there. Your children will benefit from the experience I'm sure. It sounds like a great opportunity for your dh too. What's the worst that can happen? If you really hate it, you can come back.

Another thought is your parents' health. Neighbours emigrated to NZ and her mother was diagnosed with cancer less than a year later. Her DF didn't cope well. She popped back when she could but it was v difficult. Her mum deteriorated suddenly so she wasn't here for her death. I know it's something she still feels.

On the other hand her DH and DC love the NZ lifestyle so they're happy.

We have friends that did this with DCs of a similar age. Same reasons & same family set up here too. She was nervous, but went for it. Her parents visited regularly for weeks on end. Their quality of life compared to here was hugely improved. She made friends really quickly & after the initial settling in, she absolutely loved it.

They moved back recently as her DH turned out not to settle as much as she did. Yes she's glad to have her old friends back, he parents are out of London, so she sees them infrequently & doesn't have the excess room they had in their Australian home to put them up for longer than a few days. Their DS is very much an Aussie with a love of surfing & all things outdoors, so he's really struggling with the change given they came back in winter

I'd say go for it. If our friends are anything to go by, it's will be the coming back that will be the difficult bit

That's the hard thing - we don't have a bad quality of life here. We don't have loads of space but then we live in a really nice part of London which makes up for it. If we wanted loads of space then we would have moved out of London. The only reason to go is for DH career and money. But I'm not so bothered about career and money. I think I have got to the point that I don't want to go, and he will lose out on something that is a once in a lifetime job. I guess things will go badly from here

Our friends lived in a very good area of London too, plus had a great quality of life here. It was just much much better in Oz & where as she was the one reluctant to go, she ended up living it & hated to leave.

Is it alot of money will be losing out from? That sort of absolute life changing stuff? I promise it’s not all about having nice little cafes of your doorestep, the feeling of immense loneliness does hit you, when you have no one to talk to and your family are a time zone away. And don’t think schools won’t be competitive there too - I am from a country where school is very very competitive - worse than London prep schools.

I hve a friend who recently moved to Asia - she hates it. She’s home with her youngest while her husband lights up the world, working all sorts of hours. She thought the money would make her happy - it didn’t. Her family live in another continent, she’s made no friends, schooling is tough. But, she’s staying - because of the money.

Dexy NOT dramatic, sadly the case. You don't have DC's so don't know.

It's not a decision you can make on your own - and for every positive story you'll hear a negative. And it shouldn't be DH makes a decision because of work and you make a decision because of family.

You need to set aside time without the kids about to really discuss it with your DH. When we first got the option to move, I remember it was a 'two bottle of wine night' as we went over each and every perspective. In the end we went - and overall it's been incredible and right for us - but the pair of you need to look at the balance across all sides, work, schooling, immediate family, extended family, friends, community, hobbies/interests etc etc

Don't make your mind up before you and your DH have covered all that ground. You'll think of issues he hasn't and vice versa. But at least if you really talk it through whatever decision is reached you both know why you made it.

Coming back with a ten year old will be tricky. That’s when they’re trying to get to grips with 11+ etc.
Still it could be an amazing experience. I spent my gap yah in Australia and had a great time, different to being there with a family but the outdoor lifestyle is fantastic.

She will more likely be 11 when we got back. In a way it could be better as she could join a private school in year 2 which might be less stressful than going through 11plus in London. I am not too worried about leaving - where I grew up was also the sort of place where people went off to loads of different schools and everyone lost touch. My friends I am in touch with are the ones I met at secondary.
It's useful to come on here though. It makes me feel I am justified in being scared. Had thought maybe I was being negative, we would regret not taking the chance to have a great career etc. but maybe family and home is more important! It's interesting about the schools as I had read other threads on MN saying that schools were really good in Oz and kids just go to their local and I liked the sound of it. So it's useful to know that's not necessarily the case

DD can sit 11+ exams overseas for pretty much every independent school. And most of them these days are about potential rather than curriculum / knowledge

Yakari - you're right. We need to talk about it together. He knows how important my parents are to me. Is happy for them to come with us and get a house big enough for us all, but not sure they would want that and my DB wouldn't like that either I think!

I could have written this post but even more emotional issues.
We are planning on moving to NZ in September/October with DCs (6 and 9) and it's haunting me.
DH is Kiwi and he is taking over the family business with his brother so his parents can retire. From a logistical and objective view it's perfect - we also live in London, and with the equity we have in the house we can buy outright in Auckland and he will be on a very good salary and have a share in the business, meaning I won't need to work (much). His parents have an awesome beach house, his brother a boat and I do have friends there after 10 years of holidays.........

But... my parents who are in their mid 70s, are not in the best of health. DM is ok-ish but DF has Parkinson's and can barely travel in the UK and can hardly speak. They also live quite a lonely and unhappy existence and my kids are their lifeline - I have 2 brothers, but one is useless and the other downright nasty and uncaring. I lay awake in bed last night with my heart pounding at the realisation that I am leaving them at the time they need me the most. I'm worried the guilt will eat me up. I will be going with their blessing but that doesn't make it any easier.

At the moment I'm keeping my head above water by looking at the houses we can afford (spacious and with swimming pools ) just to try and keep positive for DH.

However, if I knew if was 'only' for three years, I would feel a lot better about the situation (even though it's unlikely my dad will last that long, it feels more manageable) and try and see it as an adventure. You can build trips back to the UK into your finances and if your parents can travel they could come out regularly too. I reckon that we would get more quality time with my parents that we do here if they could travel.

Witchesandwizards - I'm sorry that sounds really hard with your parents. I guess it's nice that you're going to a place where you have family and people that you know. But with older parents it's so hard. I imagine your parents want you to live your lives and not be held back. I guess it's hard to know how parents feel about these things until you are in that position yourself. It's tough if your siblings don't play their part. Maybe they will step up when you go...?

@Witchesandwizards I'm in Auckland too. My parents are same age but in good health. If you are able to buy a pretty big place are you able to choose one with a sleepout, granny flat or a seperate floor that your parents can stay in for the full 6 months of a visitor visa? Mine come and live in our sleepout from October to April so just circle round the hemispheres chasing summer. They love it. We do too.

Naked avenger - that sounds amazing!

@wendycope i don't have children so i don't know what? (bit rude)

I'm not denying any of the women's stories about how things can go badly wrong far from home and it's a factor OP likely should take into account. The same way she could factor in a whole catastrophic range of fallouts and disasters that could hit her family.

I just don't think that's any way to live.

Dexy I am so sorry if I came across as rude. Not my intenetion. Wish someone had told me BEFORE. Until you have Dc's though, and have faced the law that is the 'Hague convention' no, you don't have an idea.

You cannot leave a country with your DC's once they are settled without partners consent.

That is all. It is a HUGE risk.

Sorry again. I think the OP should visit the 'overseas' thread and read a few home truths!

But basic fact is... until you have lived/relocated overseas with DC's, no, you don't know and why would you?!

I bloody didn't, like others, I wished I had!

It sounds like a great experience for you and your family. But daunting too.

Your husband will have instant colleagues and busyness but for you it will be a slower build. Who knows for you're kids - probably easy and fun, but not guaranteed for the older one. Outdoorsy life and the the quality life are great.

I had an Aussie partner for a while - nearly 2 years. And was there a lot. I loved it for holidays and the amazing scenery. But to me it also felt a bit cut off and parochial. Yeah I know that sounds snobby. It's a long way from friends and family.

Do it ! Australia is an amazing country and your children are young enough to adapt easily. I lived in Sydney for two years and it was a fantastic experience. I would love to go back one day. The people were lovely and I felt very welcomed.

Another unknown factor that may not have been mentioned yet, is that your children might not settle. I know someone who returned home after a few months abroad because her child was stressed to the point of being ill every morning before school and their hair was falling out. Not every child can cope with such huge changes in their life and then go through it all again a few years later when you return home.