Aibu to be scared of moving abroad?

[coco123456789]

We have a chance to move to Oz for a job DH has been offered. But I am terrified at the prospect (though also maybe a bit excited at the potential too?). We have 3 DC - 1,5 and 7. It's a good job, good money. We are in London and my eldest DC's friends already seem to have started with tutors, loads of talk about schools etc and that sort of thing really stresses me out. She is only 7! Don't get me wrong, I think school is important and I went to Oxbridge but certainly never had a tutor or any of that stress in those days. Competitive London mums and schools isn't what I want and so am probably ready for a move anyway. But my worry is, how will the kids find it? And how will I find it? I won't have any support network and currently I have my parents and brother within 30mins of me so I always have someone to call if I need help with the kids. I worry about leaving my parents (early 70s) as they don't get on well and neither really have friends. Their lives are based around the DC. So is it selfish to take their main source of joy away? But would it be good for me and DH to strike out on our own? I am a bit of a mummy's girl I guess and it could be good for us to have our own adventure? Oh, I don't know. Any insight from anyone who has done it / regretted it appreciated!
Ps, aim would be to stay about 3 years

It's so hard - a lot of people we know are from overseas or have done stints overseas. We know lots of people who have married and moved abroad, or just moved anyway because of work. I can't understand wanting to be anywhere but England! I am terrified of going somewhere and the kids being unhappy, not having grandparents close by etc. This isn't something that my DH applied for, it's a head hunted role. I'm not worried about money, I've checked and we could get an amazing house. I'm worried about me and the kids. But what if we turn it down and we didn't take the opportunity when it came knocking? Will I be sat here in a year still looking at Rightmove and nice big houses in the country and thinking maybe we should have gone for it? It's hard because this isn't something he went out looking for. Similarly, baby number 3 wasn't something we went out looking for and I felt similar turmoil over that when I found out. Huge anxiety about how life would change etc.

Although it sounds depressing, think about what might happen if you disagree over whether or not to come back and you end up separating. There could be issues about you leaving the country with the children. I'm sure it's doubtful this would happen better best to consider all factors!

Do it! It’s an amazing opportunity that your children will remember. I speak from experience having done it 3 times.They are at the right age to go and return to uk schooling without much disruption having enjoyed an enriching experience - our dc are at gcse stage now or we’d be off again.

Your parents can visit, actually that was the hardest part for me, leaving parents but three years will go so fast and they have a reason to explore a different part of the world.

ginger absolutely. All the way.

I'm in a similar scenario but Singapore instead of oz. my dc will be 4 and 6 and the job offer is mine rather then DH.
We are going to do it: I would say that in general you regret the things you don't try, not the things you do try. Your children (and mine I hope) will have An amazing opportunity to live abroad and broaden their minds and in the grand scheme of things it isn't a long time. I plan to be back for DD start year 4, latest year 5 to give her a good run in before secondary and if it all goes to plan we should make pretty good money which will benefit them in the future and mean we can move to an area with better schools

Thanks for the encouraging words from those who have done similar. I guess it's something we would do now or never. It's hard because it's not an itchy feet thing or something we have yearned for. In an ideal world, this job would exist in the UK but it doesn't. I feel awful for the children, to tear them away for the life I have worked so hard to build. I have tried so hard with clubs and play dates and school and stuff. But maybe I have been trying too hard and should let them just get on with it. I have a 1 year old as well and so will have him all the time.

You will absolutely make friends with kids that age. Just get involved in parent and toddler groups, volunteer to help with things at school, get to know other class parents as you arrange play dates, etc. Be honest with people about "we are new here, don't really know anyone yet", etc. Maybe take a job that is "easy" for you just as a way of getting out of the house and meeting people. Join some clubs. Whatever. Aussies are very friendly. I know - I am one!

I'm surprised by so many doomsayers on this thread. As for what happens if at the end of three years one of you wants to stay and one wants to go home, you deal with it as you would any other major family decision, like moving house, changing jobs, having kids - you talk, you consider options, you see how strongly you both feel, and you decide. But if you are that worried about that, agree that the default is home, and if at the end of three years one wants to stay and one to go, then home it is. You only stay longer if you both agree.

Your parents are grown adults who make their own choices. If those choices involve not having friends, that's their responsibility, not yours.

Your responsibility is to yourself and your own happiness, and to give your childen the best possible start in life. What you define as "Best possible start" may differ to others, but if it was my kids, I'd take swimming in the sea, surfing, having adventures, and living in a warm climate over exam-prep-tutor-stress-results-obsessed-london any day of the week.

Your kids won't grow up as failures because they didn't go to Oxbridge. They'll suffer far more if they never have a childhood.

And for yourself, imagine you're 70. What do you think you'll regret more with your two options here?

I completely agree about Oxbridge - the UK seems to be so exam heavy at school, people still obsessed about getting into uni etc, but I don't find that success is life necessarily follows from that anyway, and especially these days when uni is so expensive, first homes are unaffordable for many. Goodness knows what it will be like when my kids are older and what opportunities / cost of living will be. I guess if we go and earn some decent money for a short time that is money that we can help to give our kids a start with property and stuff etc.

And I know my parents make their own choices. I guess I feel responsible for them as they are always there for me. They have said they could visit 2-3 times a year which would help

London is so beautiful today - such lovely weather. So on days like today you don't think, oh yes let's go somewhere lovely and sunny to get away from miserable England!

It is a scary thing to do. You're taking a leap of faith. You might hate it there. Everything absolutely will be different, and you will have to cope with that. A lot of things will spin out of your control for a while.

I guess the question is - are you ready for that?

Personally I've never regretted moving abroad. It's something both DH and I have grown up doing, and have done as adults too. It's something our siblings have also done. It's gone well for all of us. Our children have all blossomed in the education systems and been offered opportunities to do things they'd never have done in the UK. Both DH and I spent a lot of our childhoods outside the UK, and we both feel that it made us more tolerant, open-minded, less fearful people.

But part of moving abroad is letting go, and allowing things to change in ways you can't control, and going with the flow, and believing that the net benefit will be worth it.

I’m from NZ, lived in Australia for a bit then UK for the past 20 years. I completely understand that this is a huge move but the lifestyle for young families downunder is amazing. The moderate climate means a lot of outdoor activities; people are generally open and welcoming. If it’s just for a few years then at least trying it out is a good way to look at it. Not to mention- the food in Australia is amazing! And you can do wonderful activities like visiting the Outback, snorkelling at the Great Barrier Reef, meeting the wildlife face to face etc. For kids this would be a wonderful experience. DM me if you need more info. Good luck!

Stupomax - letting go of control isn't something that I'm good at! I'm
Feeling very negative about the whole thing as the moment, mainly because it's just sooooo far!

I also keep thinking, so many aussies live in London / UK so Oz can't be that good or why would people leave!

I couldn't do that to my parents.

I was told 'Oh you'll make friends with the parents' etc

Nope, they are all friends already and you will be at best tolerated, at worst, a source of gossip.

Your husbands job is his career and life, you have to be very careful of yours.

You will not be allowed to leave with your DC's if you get fed up/fall out.

Speak out - you mean you wouldn't go abroad for a few years and leave your parents?

A friend of mine and her DH moved to Oz a few years ago, for a temporary move, they've both just been awarded citizenship and won't be moving back. They love the outdoor lifestyle and both have found excellent work opportunities, they don't have DCs yet but have decided they'd rather raise them there when they have them. Enjoy!

My friend went with her DH he was offered work, we met at uni, not Oxbridge but a prestigious old RG, she's found that really helps when she's applying for work and has had numerous offers and was head hunted for her current role, something that was not on the cards in her field here. I'm sure as and when you are able to work there will be opportunities for you too, she found work visas easy as she was already there as a spouse and employers were willing to sponsor/sign off her working visa.

I think you really need to properly weigh up all your options. My husband took a job for a company based in Hong Kong. He worked in the UK for a while but then ended up spending more and more time out there. I reluctantly agreed to move because my 9 year old was really missing his Dad. I left a great job, my lovely family and amazing friends. We moved there November 2017, I absolutely hated it and ended up having a breakdown in January 2018. My Granddad who I was very close to took ill in the February, I came home to see him and never went back. My son stayed for the rest of the school year and came home last June. I'm still not well, I've gone back to my old job but I don't feel like I can do it anymore and I hugely resent my husband for all of it, even though rationally I know he isn't completely to blame. I honestly wish I'd spoken up at the time and really weighed up the options rather than getting sucked in by the whole "It's a great experience" thing. Sorry OP, I know that's really negative but I wish someone had said some of this to me.

We took a two year offer to another country with DH's work and four years later were still here. The first year was hard (especially for the kids because we all had to learn a new language) but none of us want to move back to the UK.
I know a lot of expats here and I only know one who wanted to move back home after the contract was up.

coco123456789

No.

I would definitely go, but I'd go on the basis it was for three years and that you got to choose whereabouts to live within that region, because that will affect you most of all. Your husband will be happy in that great job (am I the only one who is dying to know what it is?) and your kids will make friends once they're in school. You, though, have to make sure you're in an area that suits your personality and there's plenty for you to do.

I’d go like a shot. But I would also be worrying like you are, that has to be normal.