Aibu to be scared of moving abroad?

[coco123456789]

We have a chance to move to Oz for a job DH has been offered. But I am terrified at the prospect (though also maybe a bit excited at the potential too?). We have 3 DC - 1,5 and 7. It's a good job, good money. We are in London and my eldest DC's friends already seem to have started with tutors, loads of talk about schools etc and that sort of thing really stresses me out. She is only 7! Don't get me wrong, I think school is important and I went to Oxbridge but certainly never had a tutor or any of that stress in those days. Competitive London mums and schools isn't what I want and so am probably ready for a move anyway. But my worry is, how will the kids find it? And how will I find it? I won't have any support network and currently I have my parents and brother within 30mins of me so I always have someone to call if I need help with the kids. I worry about leaving my parents (early 70s) as they don't get on well and neither really have friends. Their lives are based around the DC. So is it selfish to take their main source of joy away? But would it be good for me and DH to strike out on our own? I am a bit of a mummy's girl I guess and it could be good for us to have our own adventure? Oh, I don't know. Any insight from anyone who has done it / regretted it appreciated!
Ps, aim would be to stay about 3 years

I’ve done it twice and don’t regret it at all. I doubt we’ll do it again but if we were given an opportunity like you I’d take it. You have to be prepared to put yourself out there to make new friends. With kids I find it’s easy to meet friends at play groups, sports etc. If you are not an outgoing person then you should reconsider. Don’t underestimate how much you will miss your family and have clear plans to keep in touch. Expect visitors!

I would be careful about choosing where you live and avoid any far flung suburbs where people just drive in and out. All that being said, go for it! You can always come home.

Have you checked the tac structure for expats in Australia OP? A huge salary doesn't seem so huge sometimes.... dh was offered a job in Australia with a fabulous salary. But after working our what we'd pay in tax and living costs (Perth), we'd have been no better off financially. He ended up taking a job in Saudi. It's been 6 years now. Not the best of places, but money wise it's been amazing. I'd go anywhere in the world now, knowing that I've coped in KSA.

I wouldn't go. Having a support structure is so important when your kids are small. Personally I wouldn't have given that up for the world.
Also, Australia has problems. I know every country does, but I would say it's significantly more racist than the UK (certainly way more than London) and it has been suffering terribly with scorching hot summers and forest fires. With climate change accelerating I'm not sure it's a place I would want to move to.

My parents would be very upset if I didn't do something because of them. Unless they are sick and unable to travel then I'm sure they'd be delighted for you to have the experience.

My parents will miss us but they would be very disappointed if I didn't do something because of them. Just an alternative viewpoint to speakout

If only for 3 years, I'd be going with bells on! What a fantastic opportunity for your children ... and all of you as a family.

Great opportunity - why not go for an adventure in life. As kids get older you find it more difficult to relocate. You will have a great lifestyle - especially if you have the money. Great opportunity to travel round that part of the world too.

Food for thought - thanks everyone. I had assumed I wouldn't work, but then I guess there is no reason I shouldn't try and do something. Totally agree about the area being very important. I would want school and nice cafes on my doorstep. Hadn't occurred to me about the kids not wanting to go back home, but guess it wouldn't be up to them!

Oh, but it would, after 12 and very much so.

Check all the legal facts before you do anything.

@coco123456789 - as a former expat wife... just want to give some words of warning. first and foremost, check out your legal rights in family law in australia. i was a SAHM expat wife in the US when I found out xh was having an affair with a work colleague, and it took almost 1.5 years ($76,000USD and counting) for me to get out once the divorce started due to family law - generally children cannot be moved without the permission of both parents unless you want to risk a Hague convention case, and that was particularly true of the state i was living in. It didn't matter that both of us were Canadian citizens (and British too, but irrelevant here) and neither of us had permanent right to stay in the USA. i was in a particularly bad spot as i was on a spouse visa that was expiring and if we had ended up in court and the judge ruled my son had to stay in the US, i would have no legal way to stay with him and would have had to leave him behind.

I would never ever move country for another man unless I was rock solid on what my rights would be to return home with children if things didn't work out. everything may be fine for you now, but i also thought that when i moved to the US before DS was born, and you never know how the move and the new life will affect your marriage.

the expat wife life can be very isolating - i knew that going in and did a lot of research before we went and made connections to the local spouses club etc. you are giving up your support network that you've established and you'll have to start from scratch. if you have family close by now, it's not like they can pop over to australia at the drop of a hat. in my case, i moved closer to my sister at first, but later away to a place where i never really felt comfortable or at home. it took a lot of concerted effort to make new friends and build that support network.

there are of course lots of benefits of being an expat, but just make sure you consider the negatives also and be aware of any risks you're taking.

LOL nice cafes on my doorstep just shows you haven't thought this through at all OP. This would be 1,00000000th at the bottom of my list.

Seriously, check out legalities. You could end up without your DC's and going back to the UK alone. None of us believe this when we get married, of course not.

myadvice gives excellent advice. It is indeed VERY lonely.

You do not want to end up being arrested for kidnapping your own children. Also, consider all this disruption for them now and then later, should you go back. Be prepared to be a teacher full time to them in order to keep them mup to date with the UK curriculum. Have Amazon prime for school books.

It is not easy, nor a good opportunity IMO.

I don't have personal experience, but I have seen others do this, with mixed results.

You have a support network here. Think very carefully about the implications of leaving that behind. Consider the legalities too, rather than cafés on the street. You may not be as free to come and go as you think. You have elderly parents too, and visiting them as they age will immediately become much more difficult and less practical.

If you still want to go having considered all of that carefully then go, but I don't think it is the easy and straightforward decision some are painting it up as, so just be aware of that too.

My advice is to do it. We moved to the UAE 9 years ago and it was the best decision we ever made.

Stupomax - letting go of control isn't something that I'm good at! I'm Feeling very negative about the whole thing as the moment, mainly because it's just sooooo far!

The upsides are that when you let go of control you open yourself up to new experiences. But it is definitely scary.

Someone else said that making the decision is the hardest bit and I agree with that. Once we'd made the decision it was all about practicalities. It's a mixture of excitement and terror and exhaustion for quite a long time. Sometimes I miss those days.

I'm Australian, am happy to answer any questions you have as to areas etc.

How exciting!

But if you are that worried about that, agree that the default is home, and if at the end of three years one wants to stay and one to go, then home it is. You only stay longer if you both agree.

This, from someone upthread, is really good advice.

I'm out in Sydney right now, we just moved late last year from London for a work opportunity (no kids). It's an amazing city and lifestyle and in all liklihood you'll love it. Australia is a really easy move for a Brit, in my opinion. I can't help with child related questions but anything else PM me.

I think the posters saying you could risk loosing your children are being a little dramatic. They have a point but it's a far fetched and catastrophic one. Why have children at all then (home or away) , when there's no guarantee you and your husband might separate and he might go for full custody?

When i wrote a thread last year about moving to Oz i got some weird posts about how people that move abroad are weird, cold, cruel and obviously don't love their families / parents. Posters here on your thread have generally been fime but please ignore anyone who tells you you'd be selfish to do what's right for your family.

Good luck with the decision 🙂

Sorry for typos!

Where in Australia would you be moving to? Sydney is very different to Broken Hill.

We moved to Australia, shortly followed by my parents and then my brother. We are very fortunate to live within a few minutes of a each other and the kids enjoy a close relationship with my family because of this.

Before you decide what to do, you need to research the job, the true after tax salary, the true cost of living (Australia has the most expensive electricity in the world), health insurance (you will need this in Australia), the area where you will reside and schools. You are not guaranteed a spot at the school you are zoned for and I wouldn’t particularly recommend the local school either (this does vary area to area and state to state though). A large portion of parents privately educate, so the wait list at decent schools can be years long (although this depends on the city or town and quality and reputation of school you are applying to). Given it’s a niche position, I’m thinking it’s located in a more remote area and therefore no cafes on doorstep. Often the higher salary is a reflection of the remote location to try to lure people there.

If you are only planning to move for three years, you also need a return to UK plan in place, especially for your 7 year old who may miss their 11 plus exams and may not be offered a school place. Friends of ours who moved back after 5 years had issues with getting a School spot for their children even when they had a UK address as the LA refused to offer places when they were not yet resident back in the UK, even though they would have been at UK address they still owned, prior to the start of the school year. Instead their children now attend very expensive private schools.

I miss the UK and still call it home, even though my parents and brother are here. Without them, I think I would have struggled long term as I like being close to my family. We also struggled with “fitting in” - a lot of people (still cannot) understand what we’re saying or the meaning of what we’re saying and my husband is sick of being told he’s Irish. We mainly socialise with Brits because of this - but at least they can understand us!

Good luck with your decision - you may love it or hate it - but it’s an opportunity to experience somewhere else. If you do tell us where you’re thinking of moving, someone on here may be able to give you an idea if what the area is like.

Moving to Australia is the best thing that we ever did. As long as you get the right area and he's got a good job you will be amazed at your improvement in your quality of life. The work life balance is excellent. Kids are allowed to be kids. The weather is fantastic and everyone is an outdoor persuits nut so your kids won't be sitting around Infront of screens all day, they will be out playing sports and running around on the beach. Low crime rates in most places too. Healthcare system is brilliant. Private schools are cheap enough that most people not on minimum wage can afford them.

We've been here for years now and for me there are only 2 real downsides - 1 is that there is very real, rugged weather. No matter what part of Australia you move to there will be some sort of weather that can cause real danger - bushfires, floods, cyclones etc. But just be sensible and prepared and get yourself decent home insurance and you'll be fine. Number 2 is the distance between us and our family. I do feel guilty that DCs grandparents are on the other side of the world. It's a bloody long way. And when relatives have gotten sick the guilt really racks up. It costs thousands to go home unexpectedly so sometimes you can't do it, and you don't get the chance to say goodbye. That hurts.

But all in all I'd say definitely go for it! It's a wonderful place to bring up children, I've never regretted our decision. And don't forget... You woild probably always regret not taking this opportunity, since it's becoming harder every year to get into Australia, and you can always go home if you change your mind. Not the end of the world. I bet you won't want to though :)

OP - I’m only one of 4 expat wives in the USA I personally know who either couldn’t return home or had extended legal fights to be able to leave with our country and I was only expat for 5 years. That’s just people I personally know out of an enormous global company that sends expats everywhere and I’m guessing that in my XH’s company alone there are very many women stuck in these same situations.

I’m not sure why DexyMidnight thinks it’s dramatic - I can assure you I would much rather not have had to spend $75,000 in legal fees to be able to return home and to not risk losing my son. It is also no joke to my friend who spent more than $100,000 to leave, or to my friend who is still stuck in the US (because she is unlikely to win in court since she has legal status to stay) with a husband who likes to solicit prostitutes and she isn’t in a financial position to leave yet. The 4th person had extremely rich parents who came over from Australia to help pay for her legal fees and she was able to get out much faster.

You can think it’s dramatic as you like, but PLEASE PLEASE research family law in Australia before you go.

It may not matter if you have an agreement to return home if you ultimately don’t like it. If your DH changes his mind and wants to stay while you want to go home, your children may fall under the jurisdiction of the place you live. And if Australia had laws that say both parents must agree to relocation (as many places do), you will be subject to that. Further if Australia is a Hague signatory, you can face a child abduction case. Just tonight on my single mums group someone outlined that very scenario (but moving within the US) and she lost custody.

The whole point of The Hague is that it is enforceable in every country/state that is a signatory. If I fled the US and XH filed a Hague case and won, I could then be arrested in Canada for child abduction.

The other things I want to suggest you look into are a) repatriation costs if things do go wrong particularly since it is so far. In my case because of the way things unfolded I had to pay to repatriate myself (“only” $12k since it was an overland move).
The other is - if you did get caught up in family law (like I did) and couldn’t legally take the children - would you be able to legally stay in Australia and get your own visa assuming you wouldn’t leave your children behind? My situation was untenable because there was no viable way to remain legally in the USA short of marrying an American (and I consulted 3 immigration lawyers so I’m not blowing smoke).

I realize I’m giving you the one of the most negative consequences there could be. For something like this that really can be life altering, I have the very strong belief that more knowledge is extremely important so you can truly assess the risks and make a proper informed decision. If I knew then what I know now a) I would not have chosen to go as a trailing spouse and b) I would also not have children in a trailing/expat situation.

Should add an addendum - for an expat assignment to a place where I could obtain legal rights to stay on my own merit - that I would potentially consider if I was willing to take the risk of ending up living there permanently. (The US has its own particular immigration quirks that I couldn’t get around and I never really wanted to live there permanently - hindsight is 20/20 of course).

I live abroad and totally agree with the posts about going in with your eyes wide open on tax, cost of living, legal implications etc - cafes, weather and nice housing are just the icing on top of your life.
However the big one for me is 7yr old coming back in 3 years. Check out what your secondary schools of choice think about that - how/when would they sit exams (if 11plus or private), how does LA handle non resident children?
That's a tricky age to move back especially to some areas like London with a wide range - but often over subscribed and competitive - school placement.
You may even be better on planning to stay longer. And of course then you hit the same question for your 5 year old. And how does that make you feel? You'd be amazed how easy it is to get 'stuck' abroad because of the age range of your kids.

Op where in Oz? Reading through but I can't see where you've mentioned it.

As an Aussie I'll tell you why people leave for the uk mostly. It's because it's so easy to travel around Europe, actually pretty much everywhere is easier to get to! But if you're only here for 3 years that's not an issue. You'll hopefully see some great parts of Oz.

Try the bub hub forums and the expats in Australia, they're helpful for local groups. Look on realestate.com at houses.
If you tell me which city I can tell you which areas to stay away from that may not be obvious.

We brought 4 and 6 yr olds to the middle east 4 years ago.
Yes, it's scary (actually, I think I'd be questioning you harder if you didnt have some doubts about such a massive change), but it can also be very rewarding.
It has been amazing for DHs career. It has been amazing for the kids. I have struggled - I "lost" everything except being Mum. No job, no network. But with effort, I've built that back up.
Look into it seriously. Double and triple check the cost of living (Aus is expensive, although maybe not compared to London), and what the possibilities of getting back to the UK are.

Just something that jumped out at me - if you are looking at Melbourne /Sydney/Brisbane type places, Dubai is more like 1/3 of the way from London, 2/3 of the way from Aus. Not sure what the split is like from Perth. But the flying from Dubai to Sydney is a LONG journey.

We live overseas and have done for almost 7 years. Financially it was a no brainer. We have saved more money in that time than we would have saved in the UK in a lifetime. We have a great lifestyle in many ways but we both work really really hard and incredibly long hours. I think a lot of people expect us to be tanned and chilled etc as we live in a hot country (holiday destination type) but we are at work most of the time as your DH will be. It is real life - not a holiday. Although the weather is better and many things are much easier and it is fun.

That said we have loved it and grown as a couple and as individuals. We are leaving now to move to a new adventure still overseas. It isn't always easy to be away from family but I grew up in a family where physical distance is not a reflection on depth of emotional connection. We are very close and always email, Skype, Viber etc. My DH is not in the same position and his family don't like him being away. But that is a whole other thread and actually has little to do with the physical distance between them.

He and I are and always have been 100% in synch over all our choices though. I told him as soon as we met that I wanted to leave the UK and I was too old to start a relationship with someone who didn't want the same thing so this was always going to be part of our life together. We went into it on the same page. Neither of us want to ever move back to the UK. It isn't even an option.

I love our life and wouldn't have done it any other way. It suits us too as people. We like our freedom and independence and enjoy the feeling of not being tied down. We have careers where we could move countries every two years if we wanted to and some of our friends do just that. We enjoy a bit more permanence but 7 years in one place is our upper limit. We don't have children yet but many of our friends do. They have a wonderful lifestyle and enjoy a lot of perks. Again though everyone has to be on board for it to work.

What strikes me about your situation - based only on what you say here - is that you are already thinking about the return before you have accepted the post. I understand the practicalities you are considering but I would say a good way to think about this might be - is the return more important in your mind than the going? If so, it may not be the best choice for you.