Boyfriend asked me to exercise

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I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 5 months. This weekend just gone he suggested I do some squats. It started out jokingly and then he brought up the squats again then he suggested lunges as “surely you can cope with lunges?” - he then looked at me very seriously.

I’m currently an Australian size 8 and I’m 57kg. I’m short but I’m in the healthy BMI range.

The history of this is I’ve been very unwell lately and doctors and specialists are trying to work out what is wrong with me.

I’m too tired to exercise and I’m often sick and taking a lot of painkillers.

I’m thinking that he isn’t happy with my body, even though I’ve seen pictures of his ex-wife and she looks to be a size 16.

The only comment he makes about my body is that he loves my tits (yes, he says tits).

Is this a red flag or am I oversensitive to this? I am very insecure about my weight and his comments have bothered me.

People are focussing on OP's eating disorder, and missing (or ignoring) the red flags.

He didn't suggest lunges and squats because he's concerned about her health, FFS! Who the fuck would suggest that form of exercise to somebody in OP's position?
If you were going to suggest exercise, you'd suggest gentle walks, swimming, maybe some yoga. not miles long hikes, lunges and squats, and it would be in the context of a conversation about OP's health.

He comments on her eyebrows, when she hasn't had them shaped and tinted.

He said he likes the fact that she hardly eats. That alone is is a MASSIVE red flag. Why are people ignoring this? No wonder so many women end up years down the line in abusive relationships, if they don't know what's a red flag.

OP said she's posted about him on here before, and people told her she was being gaslighted, yet now, because people are focussing on the ED, the boyfriend has done nothing wrong, and any comments he makes are because he cares, and OP is seeing everything as a criticism, because of her disordered thinking.

OP, I'm concerned that earlier, you said you were going to pull back from this relationship, and end it, yet now you say you're not going to LTB over this. Do you mean you're now not LTB, or you are, but because of the accumulation of red flags, not just because of this single issue?

You should LTB, because after only 5 months, you've started 2 threads about him, and there are several red flags in this thread alone (I don't know if I saw your previous thread) which indicate that you should drop him.

OP so if you don’t have a stomach as such how do you get any nutrients into you other than by injection?

I’m guessing your boyfriend is struggling to understand as we clearly are too. Are there support groups for people who’ve had your op to discuss how to manage food intake and stay healthy?
You should put the claws away though. Slagging off a poster (who you know nothing about) for being a SAHM is beneath you.

Clearly you have twisted this to there being something wrong with me and needing help

You said yourself you have an eating disorder OP, but it’s clear from the way you talk about your body and food even if you hadn’t.

No one here is trying to hurt you, lots of people are very concerned about you.

The PP who mentioned that a proportion of people who get gastric sleeves gain all their weight back is accurate. I think that’s unlikely to happen with you because you artificially inflated your weight to get the surgery, and you are enjoying the fact it enables you to eat very little.

Are you having frequent B12 injections? Deficiency can cause serious ill health and you won’t be absorbing it now.

Firstly, I'm not a SAHM, I'm not even a mother. I actually work in health and nutrition, so there you go.

*Your comments are similar to my nasty friend that I had to let go.
I was constantly told by her that I was going to gain the weight back, even while I was still losing it.

Ultimately, she couldn’t handle I was slimmer than her - or others commenting on my size. It was just nastiness on her part.*

I did not say you was going to put it back on, only highlighting you are very wrong if you think your issues are solved and you cannot put weight on. You can. I'm not being nasty, I'm being honest. Your problems have not gone away, you can still gain back all of your weight, even as your stomach is now.

I think your views on your friend have a lot to do with you. You value being slimmer then everyone around you. My opinion has nothing to do with that. I am 5ft 10 and wear a size 6 so I can handle your 'slimness'.

Other people hae had the exact same surgery as you and gained it back as their issues with food are still there.

Clearly you have twisted this to there being something wrong with me and needing help.

I haven't twisted anything, you've written it all out here. You pushed yourself to gain weight to destroy your stomach to lose weight. You clearly have MH issues surrounding food, it doesn't need twisting.

Op gastric sleeve is not a complete removal of a stomach. They remove large part of it and the remainer is shaped like a tube.

Motoko no I think you are missing the point.

The boyfriend could have suggested squats for sorts of reasons that aren't controlling. OP cant exercise. He may have been suggesting things that she could do at home and do as many as she wants. He could be concerned that she us very small and frail and thinking that building muscles could help.

He may comment on her appearance as he knows she wants compliments, but referring to her body is a big no no.

The OP has read huge amounts of negativity towards heartfelt, in posts that aren't there .

Her eating disorder is a huge part of this. It's entirely possible the op is distorting peoples words and actions because of her disorder

Or he could be a dick either way the shouldn't be together. But it's entirely possible this is actually the op and her illness

@motoko people are focusing on her ED because they are aware of how it warps people mentally.

You've just seen a poster present her with facts backed up by science and she has turned the message around to the poster being nasty to her.

I work with abused women and a huge factor is knowing the signs for red flags.

It's also taking into account the womans mental health and how they view the world, it's how I know what safeguards to put in place.

And additionally learning the difference between being skinny and being strong was a huge factor in my recovery, I achieved strength by exercising, I ate more to achieve more strength, thus it trickled down into how I view nutrition.

This approach wont work for everyone, am lucky it did for me.

I think it's worth thinking about your original post - you asked for opinions on whether this is a red flag and almost everyone has said:

1. Yes it probably is

And

1. It would be beneficial for you to get some support for your self image / relationship with your body

But you're choosing to be angry with people who have taken the time to read your post and offer their thoughts, which you asked people to do.

Nobody is being jealous or trying to wind you up - you asked for opinions and people have given them kindly and in good faith.

I hope you feel better soon

Motoko, it is difficult to respond about the BF, because you can't take the OP's perception of anything that is said to her as accurate unfortunately. Perception of everything is filtered through her ED. I'm a recovering alcoholic. It'd be like me posting, "do you think my DP is being horrible to me?" and then drip feeding that it's sometimes difficult for me to make objective judgements as I've never been sober when I've spoken to him.

Your BF is showing massive red flags, but frankly you sound an absolute mess and not in a place to have a healthy relationship. I am really shocked that you were given gastric sleeve surgery without accompanying counselling. Responsible places don’t allow that. And your understanding of what you have had done and the potential future effects is clearly insufficient to have been making sound decisions about it.

You really need to be honest with your GP about all these thoughts.

My DP is an exercise freak !! I gave running a go with him ... got to 5k but just don't enjoy it so I packed it in !!! We will go for a hike together ... he goes to spinning on his own and I go to rebounding ... if you enjoy exercise then do it .. I like how good it makes me feel afterwards .. but please don't talk about yourself as a set of numbers and sizes OP .. just have the confidence to do the things you enjoy that make you happy .. and if exercise ain't one of them, don't give it a second thought !!

@ChariotsofFish “massive red flags? Absolute mess?”

Rather extreme and very unkind. Would you say something like this to someone IRL that you hardly know?

Plus do we know that the OP wasn’t offered or hasn’t received or currently receiving counselling?

Plus do we know that the OP wasn’t offered or hasn’t received or currently receiving counselling?

If you read the thread, op says several time that therapy is unhelpful and possibly dangerous. She wanted the OP instead of it and wont engage.

downcasteyes

I appreciate the apology and am sorry for the medical condition you went through - it sounds dreadful.

I have the opposite experience to you. So many people dismiss my illness because I exercise. The thing is, as bad as I am now, I get much worse if I don't exercise. So although the pain and stiffness is bad I can still walk around and go to work. If I stop I end up unable to get out of bed.

It isn't easy. I have to force myself to do it because I feel so unwell but unless I want to end up house bound I have to push myself.

weetabix - You poor thing. I do understand that.

I think the problem, in both cases, is the same: women minimising one another's pain or treating all cases like they are the same. If I've done that to you here, I really apologise. Being unwell is bad enough without people turning it into a competition or assuming that what is true for them is true for others.

Plus do we know that the OP wasn’t offered or hasn’t received or currently receiving counselling?

The OP doesn’t believe in therapy and has said a couple of times that she won’t have it.

Having read all the OP’s posts I don’t actually think that the BF is exhibiting any Red Flags. He might be a bit insensitive and he might not be right for the OP - or he could be perfectly fine and her ED is skewing what he says and only hearing what it wants to hear.

Is this exercising together or just you? We took up running together (partly because we rarely do things together) not the same as being busy shamed

I'm seriously concerned about the surgeon who performed this surgery on you, OP. I would have thought that a reputable one would have had major reservations about performing this sort of surgery on someone with an ED, and would have insisted on you going through therapy first. The fact that he charged you thousands of pounds may well have something to do with his actions.

Ah, apologies re counselling - I missed the rather long post at 9.06 where the poster explained why she doesn’t want counselling.

In which case I stand by what I said upthread, in that in situations like this mental and physical needs should be addressed and repeat that thinner is not by any means healthier

Your surgeon should be struck off. Shocking.

I think that, in this situation, no random stranger in the internet can give you an accurate opinion on your situation as we have only your interpretation of the situation.

It is clear from your posts that you are mentally unwell. Anyone who jeopardises her health to deceive a surgeon into performing a life altering surgery like a gastric band is not mentally stable. To top it off, you dismiss therapy and claim you would rather spend the money on other things which won't help you get to the reason behind your eating disorder. The eating and weight were symptoms of your disease. You got rid of some symptoms, but the disease still exists and is not going anywhere.

Your immediate interpretation that your BF encouragement to exercise is due to his being controlling and wanting you to lose more weight is quite a leap. Exercise is not a weight loss tool unless done for a duration and intensity of competitive athletes. It is, however, the best thing anyone can do for their health, both physical and mental. Your DP sounds like a person who enjoys exercise, does quite a bit of it, and thus knows of its benefits. It is possible that he believes that encouraging you to exercise will make you better physically and happier with yourself mentally.

Exercise is definitely something you need to start to do, and if I were a friend of yours, I'd be encouraging you to start exercising. No, it is not because I think that you need to lose more weight or get a "better" body. No, it is not because I would want to bring you down due to jealousy (I am, and always have been, a 4-6 UK except for pregnancies). It is because it the benefits of exercising are so great.

You are in no position to be in a serious relationship until you fix the relationship you have with yourself.

@over50andfab The whole point of the internet is it isn’t real life. Presumably the OP wouldn’t tell someone she didn’t know all of this stuff. In real life, a good friend would tell her exactly the same as I did. She has mental health issues which she is refusing to deal with.

@over50andfab ....you do realise the stomach doesn’t process foods - it merely breaks them down for the intenstines to absorb nutrients.

Why is everyone caught up on this.

I merely mentioned it because I don’t need to lose any weight.

@SinkGirl

I’ve had a course of B12 and an iron infusion.

Why is everyone so obsessed with this?