Boyfriend asked me to exercise

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I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 5 months. This weekend just gone he suggested I do some squats. It started out jokingly and then he brought up the squats again then he suggested lunges as “surely you can cope with lunges?” - he then looked at me very seriously.

I’m currently an Australian size 8 and I’m 57kg. I’m short but I’m in the healthy BMI range.

The history of this is I’ve been very unwell lately and doctors and specialists are trying to work out what is wrong with me.

I’m too tired to exercise and I’m often sick and taking a lot of painkillers.

I’m thinking that he isn’t happy with my body, even though I’ve seen pictures of his ex-wife and she looks to be a size 16.

The only comment he makes about my body is that he loves my tits (yes, he says tits).

Is this a red flag or am I oversensitive to this? I am very insecure about my weight and his comments have bothered me.

@LovingLola: Am I reading correctly that you deliberately overate to the extent that you would qualify for bariatric surgery? And had most of your stomach removed?

This is the way I read it which is why I asked about therapy before surgery, it suggests some far deeper issues than whether a DB suggests exercise. (IMO)

He sounds like a bit of a jerk, but I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt, if this is the first time it's come up.

If he says something again, launch on his ass with something like "it makes me feel really bad and uncomfortable when you try and pressure me into doing something I don't want to do and imply that there's something I need to change about my body. It makes me not want to be around you. Can we please agree that you won't say stuff like that any more, going forward? Thanks!"

downcasteyes

No, if you read the OPs post she clarifies that the dr has not said that she can't exercise.

OK you might have issues or whatever but based on what you have actually said here about what he is saying to you, he sound toxic and you should leave. It's none of his business whether you get your nails done or eyebrows; most men don't care about that stuff and to me it smacks of him thinking of your appearance as reflecting on him, or of him having some right to judge you (and other women, 5/10 entry level etc - total bullshit and toxic).
And if you have an eating disorder, what kind of irresponsible ass keeps on picking at / negging / judging your appearance like you're in a contest and like your appearance is what you are and what you're worth? It's not. You're a person, not a walking image for him to peruse and judge. And commenting that he likes how you don't eat? This all seems like he is pushing your buttons, getting under your skin in a really insidious way, trying to damage your self-esteem, and you are already vulnerable in these areas! If he loved you as a person he would be building you up, appreciating you as a person, and not picking at you to dwell on your appearance.
I think you should leave him.

downcasteyes

And my comment, as you can see before you took my post out of context, was in reply to someone saying that being ill and on medication means that you should not exercise.

I am not saying that the OP should exercise. What I was saying is that being unwell and on medication does not automatically mean don't exercise, which is what a previous poster had said.

OK, well let's amend it:

1. You are ill. Your doctors advise you to exercise. Exercise helps you.
2. The OP is ill. The doctors have not advised her to exercise. Exercise does not help her.

It is really important to recognise that some people can be genuinely too ill to exercise.

And only 5 months!! he should be very physically attracted to you and still in the honeymoon phase, not undermining you and getting you to seek his approval for all these minutiae. I bet you're gorgeous. But you don't have to be - it's no one else's business but yours what you look like.

I hate the way that some women assume that the fact that they are able to do something that someone else cannot do is a reflection of their superior virtue, not the fact that the other person is in a worse way. Just stop it.

I would see nothing offensive about this. Apart from having to get up off my arse (which I don't like, unless I've initiated it).

I get enthusiastic about exercise too and have submitted an ex to push ups lol. It's just done in fun and competitivity.

How about we amend it to what I actually said. This is the post that I quoted

Aw what a sweetie! The op is so ill they need to take constant painkillers and under go tests, obviously some ‘gentle coxing’ into working out is exactly what the OP needs right now!

This is what I said about me

This is me right now. Very unwell and take enough tablets to make me rattle, including tramadol and pregabalin for pain.

I exercise 3 times a week and do physio every day. I have to to maintain my strength and to help my pain.

And this is what I said about the OP

Can't comment on the OP because we don't know what her illness is, or could be, and there is no context to these comments.

How is any of that different to what you are saying?

I'm saying just because you are ill it doesn't automatically mean don't exercise. This is what I do, but I don't know what your condition is so can't comment on what you can do.

You do what’s best for you OP. At the moment the most important thing is to get well, and take your doctors advice. If your BF is nothing but mega supportive then tell him to fuck off. You’re dealing
With enough right now, without adding to its with a shitty partner.

I hate the way that some women assume that the fact that they are able to do something that someone else cannot do is a reflection of their superior virtue, not the fact that the other person is in a worse way. Just stop it.
And I hate how some women assume that because I do something that they don't that it must be easy for me, that my body isn't screaming in pain every second of every day and that I am living the dream.

I am not being virtuous. I am correcting an assumption that being ill and in pain automatically prohibits exercise. It may do but not always.

So how about you stop judging others?

@Nanna50

Yes, that is correct.

I lost weight through diet and decided I didn’t want to diet any more. So I deliberately overate to make sure I qualified for the surgery.

Private insurance and I paid a massive gap payment.

I have a feeling many of you never dealt with someone with eating disorder. Sadly it is really often the case, as I said before, that no matter what you say, it's wrong.
The disorted way people can see themselves distorts the way people understand what others are saying.

I do agree with pp that OP doesn't need relationship now, but needs to work on learning to love herself and get a professional help to repair that disorted image of herself.

Do you view your operation as being a success OP? It must be a major life change.

@Weetabixandshreddies

I can’t exercise. I’m not outing myself by explaining my medical condition, but it is significant. I can’t actually exercise.

@Weetabixandshreddies

I take stronger drugs than those you’ve identified.

So have you not been able to explain this condition that prevents exercise to your bf? I mean, you don’t have to out yourself to us but presumably you are free to explain it to him! Then if he ignores this good reason and asks you to exercise you will know he’s not a good bet.

Sorry weetabix - I am probably being oversensitive and seeing 'competitive illnessing' where it was never intended. I'm really sorry you're in such pain and suffering so much.

I was really ill in my early 30s with a very common, very simple illness that many women experience, and which is easily treatable - fibroids, leading to heavy bleeding. However, I experienced an absolute battle to get treatment from GPs, resulting in literally dozens of trips back to the surgery over a period of 2 years, during which I progressively worsened to the point that I went from not being able to run fast because of slight anaemia, to bleeding like a geyser every single day and being unable to go downstairs in my house because I couldn't get back up again, and eventually having quite serious (though fortunately temporary) heart problems because my iron levels were so low. I had to give up my job, my social life, everything. It completely flattened my confidence and really set me back in my career.

When women asked me what was wrong, many said things like 'Oh, I've had that, it was nothing' or 'I bled a lot during the birth of my daughter, and needed a blood transfusion' or 'I managed to run a marathon with fibroids'. Instead of thinking 'Bloody hell, her situation must be worse than mine', there was a kind of automatic assumption that I was being weak, that I simply wasn't trying hard enough. Speaking to other women who have been through all kinds of other illnesses - most very, very much more serious than mine - it turns out that this is a really common thing. I have a friend who is in a wheelchair with a serious condition that causes degeneration of connective tissue and she STILL gets people saying "Well, I'm in pain, and I am a black belt in karate, so you can do it too". She's in a goddamn wheelchair and clearly unable to move without pain!!

This has made me hypersensitive to women doing this to others: it's undermining and the very opposite of supportive. Instead of listening to the other woman and appreciating what she is going through, some people just erase them. I appreciate that this wasn't your intention in your post, however. I read it in the wrong light.

At the same time, I absolutely believe the OP when she says that she is simply too tired and too unwell to exercise right now.

You're ill. You just need to rattle your prescription at him.

But when you're into fitness, you can get competitive, think it's the solution to all of life's problems.

I wouldn't right him off yet.

or write him off even*

Is you condition a side effect from you surgery or related to the fact that you absorb few nutrients.

I wish people would read the thread before telling the OP she is fine as she is. She is clearly very very ill

I lost weight through diet and decided I didn’t want to diet any more. So I deliberately overate to make sure I qualified for the surgery.

Thos is not the behaviour of someone who is well. And it's likely that she is twisting her boyfriends comments into something negative about her. Which can be part of an eating disorder.

He could be a dick. Or he just might be trying his best and anything he says is twisted by the OP.

She is clearly mentally and dangerously unwell. Both physically and mentally

When you say you can't exercise, OP, does that mean you can't exercise at all, even something like walking? Or is it only certain types of exercise that you can't do?

I doubt very much that your boyfriend understands your medical condition.

He is probably asking these questions to assess how serious it is and what you are actually capable of doing.

Have you been honest with him and explained how ill you are and that it means that a lot of things like even gentle exercise are impossible for you?

Maybe he was looking for a partner to do a range of things with him, including things that involve some exercise. This wouldn't be very unusual. If so, maybe you are not the right person for him. Maybe you will never be interested in doing those sorts of things even when you are feeling better. You should be honest with him.