Boyfriend asked me to exercise

[SecretProfile]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 5 months. This weekend just gone he suggested I do some squats. It started out jokingly and then he brought up the squats again then he suggested lunges as “surely you can cope with lunges?” - he then looked at me very seriously.

I’m currently an Australian size 8 and I’m 57kg. I’m short but I’m in the healthy BMI range.

The history of this is I’ve been very unwell lately and doctors and specialists are trying to work out what is wrong with me.

I’m too tired to exercise and I’m often sick and taking a lot of painkillers.

I’m thinking that he isn’t happy with my body, even though I’ve seen pictures of his ex-wife and she looks to be a size 16.

The only comment he makes about my body is that he loves my tits (yes, he says tits).

Is this a red flag or am I oversensitive to this? I am very insecure about my weight and his comments have bothered me.

If he is suggesting squats and lunges, it sounds like he wants you to have more of a booty. Makes sense if his ex is also a curvier sort of shape.
I wouldn’t be offended, it would be like me suggesting to DH to do push ups if I fancied him to have bigger pecs. I don’t think he is looking to offend or upset you.

Why are you still with him? Its 5 months - it should be easy and fun. If you have to think this much you should get out.

And you really need help with your mental health issues. Sorry but your posts reveal a very very bad relationship with food and your body. He definitely doesn't help, but you do need to work on yourself.
If you were in the UK I would recommend www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/ they have really helped support friends of mine. I don't know if there is an equivalent where you are.

He's awful and taking advantage of your issues around your body to control you and the way you look.

You, however, have huge issues that do need to be dealt with. I'm surprised they didn't ask you to have some therapy before removing most of your stomach, as quite frankly what you did was extreme (ate too much to deliberately gain weight to qualify).

You also seem proud of the fact that you don't eat, and think it's funny and enjoy being called a skinny bitch and are really focused on your size quite a lot. I do think you may need some help, even though you don't want it/

Further, most females who look a certain way (skinny) have to starve themselves or exercise excessively.

I have to say, I completely disagree. I am what people may call 'skinny' and I eat three good meals (healthy) and I don't exercise as I have certain pain conditions that stop me from exercising. I do not starve myself at all, I nourish my body with good and healthy food.

The fact you think this is warped.

@Muddysnowdrop

It was successful in that I lost more weight than I had planned.

What I didn’t anticipate was people’s reactions to the change.

I had a friend become obsessed with everything I ate, telling me I was obese (when I knew I wasn’t) and buying me chocolate.

I am overly sensitive to any comments regarding what I eat or what activities I do. Which is why I asked AIBU what others thought.

I do feel for your predicament, but does your boyfriend even know about your health issues. What do you say when he's lunging and squatting all over the place. if you are too unwell to excerise did you tell him this.
It could be that he's the wrong one for you, or it could be that he's just slow on the uptake and trying to help in a clumsy sort of way.
I do hope you get the medical help you need and also find someone in real life to talk to about your other issues. It sounds like you need a bit of TLC. Hope you feel better soon.

@bethy15

Possibly I need help bethy15, however, I don’t believe in therapy and would rather spend my money on other things. I find therapy (in the wrong hands can be either dangerous or a massive waste of time).

I also chose to put my “warped” thoughts on AIBU so that I could keep any crazy away from my relationship; which is very much in its infancy.

Of course I’m not going to LTB over this - any more than I am going to commit to therapy.

I had an eating disorder. I chose to spend thousands of dollars having bariatric surgery so that I could have this sorted out once and for all.

Alternatively, I could have committed to years and hours of therapy wherein I transacted the minutiae of my childhood to uncover why I eat my feelings ....I chose to pay a surgeon to just remove 80% of my stomach. Financially it was the better decision.

I think for both your sakes you need to go your separate ways.

Possibly I need help bethy15, however, I don’t believe in therapy and would rather spend my money on other things. I find therapy (in the wrong hands can be either dangerous or a massive waste of time).

Have you had any then? If you don't believe in it?

I had an eating disorder. I chose to spend thousands of dollars having bariatric surgery so that I could have this sorted out once and for all.

You haven't sorted it though, you still have huge issues surrounding food and your weight and your ideals around it. It's not good to be proud that you barely eat.

It doesn't solve anything long term. Your issues are still there, and if left untreated, it's entirely possible you can gain back your weight as you still have body and food issues.

I didn't mean warped as an insult at all. I meant it as distorted, it's not right to believe anyone who is slim is starving themselves or punishing themselves. Most people who are slim just live a healthy lifestyle and have a healthy relationship with food.

I had an eating disorder. I chose to spend thousands of dollars having bariatric surgery so that I could have this sorted out once and for all

OP, the surgery didn’t fix your problems with eating - it supports them. It makes it easier for you to not eat, which isn’t fixing things, it’s exacerbating them.

You need food for your health- I know that message can get lost when you have an ED but it’s true. You are proud of being able to eat so little. This isn’t healthy for you.

Eating disorders aren’t physical and can’t be fixed with surgery - you need psychological help or your health problems will worsen. Your organs may stop functioning completely.

@Wedgiecar58

Fascinating!! Squats and lunges are to build up a booty. It didn’t occur to me that he wanted me to be bigger in that department!! It would make sense. Particularly given that it will be virtually impossible for me to gain weight via any other means.

@bethy15
I can’t gain back the weight. I don’t have a stomach and I’m still losing weight. I had my friend repeatedly tell me I was going to get fat again. The thing is, I haven’t and I’m unlikely to do so.

Also, I’m not proud I can’t eat - that is the entire point of the surgery, that I would eat smaller meals afterwards.

Do you really think he is just interested in your breasts and 'booty'?

If so, it is not safe for the two of you to be together.

If you continue to destroy your body while you aim for 'perfection', you won't need a boyfriend, but you will need carers. I doubt he is up for that role?

You can eat, just small meals. Are you eating, and is the food healthy in terms of lots of food groups? (Ie you’re not just eating salad, or just chocolate)

And you do have a stomach, albeit a very small one. You seem keen to use extreme labels about yourself. I hope there is follow up care from your surgery to check things are as they should be physically.

OP I genuinely believe you do not know what you want at this moment in time, you have flip flopped on just this thread alone over walking away from your partner to staying.

I have been where you are, my mind was warped to the point that if people complimented my appearance (weight wise)I took it as encouragement to push it further and further.

I am almost positive that regardless of the type of partner you have, this will be the same issue in every relationship you have, because your partner is never going to be as invested in your weight or appearance as you are.

By all means your partner may be an insensitive arse, but I think to ignore the fact you have a serious mental condition would only give you more room to avoid confronting your own illness and issues.

You may disagree with therapy for a multitude of reasons, that is your choice. It will not work unless you are open to the idea and ready to get better.

Fuck the exercise right now, you know the tiny amount you eat is not helping with any medical condition you have.

Good nutrition is essential in your position. If you cant commit to fuelling your body for the purpose of healing things are only going to go downhill even further.

I had to completely retrain my mentality regarding food, I was only able to attempt that when I realised that I needed help and was very ill in the first place.

I hope you are able to get some real life support OP

I've also struggled with an eating disorder and I genuinely notice now that I will get approached by TOTALLY different types of men depending on my weight.

When I was very anorexic it was like I had a flashing beacon for men who found it easy to manipulate vulnerable women and perhaps even enjoyed doing so - not always the case consciously for them but an unhealthy start for a relationship. I was still chatty and out and about but they seemed to see through it and know I was vulnerable.

Since getting healthy (of course I'll always struggle with it but have made big progress) I'm approached by men with a healthy respect for women who like the fact I'm gobby and not full of self loathing - a healthy and FUN starting point.

This early into a relationship you should be excited to see each other and have fun together, not second guessing what they will say / think. This early on he's showing you the best of himself - think about how you could feel in another 6 months if this continues...

Don't let someone further complicate an already complicated and fragile body image. Be kind to yourself!

I can’t gain back the weight. I don’t have a stomach and I’m still losing weight. I had my friend repeatedly tell me I was going to get fat again. The thing is, I haven’t and I’m unlikely to do so.

Actually you can. Here you go...

'However, up to 3 out of 10 gastric sleeve patients gain weight after reaching their low weight.'
'The amount varies widely by patient, ranging from only a small amount of weight to all of it'
I know someone IRL who had this done, still had huge issues surrounding food and managed to gain most of their weight back over time.

And you do still have a stomach. That's a complete lie to say you don't have one or just exaggerating. But yes, you have one.

@Muddysnowdrop
It’s a tube. It was reduced by more than 80% & it doesn’t operate like a stomach any more (it doesn’t break down the food like a normal stomach, nor does it produce the hormones like a normal stomach). It is merely a tube to my small intestine. This isn’t an extreme view, this was what was explained to me by my surgeon.

I’m having regular follow up appointments with my GP who orders all the tests I needs and gives me injections of anything I’m lacking.

OP I can’t really comment on who is BU here, and haven’t read your other threads. Having had an unhealthy obsession with food for most of my teens and 20s, I understand your being hypersensitive to any comments made, and difficult to say whether the eyebrow thing was said in joke? My exH used to make disparaging comments about my body, even though It was way better than his on all counts so I have been there too.

What I can say though, is health is not just about weight and BMI. It is also mental attitude and being comfortable with how you look. Also, and very importantly, it is eating healthily and especially in later years toning and resistance exercises.

My mum, and her mum were, being blunt, very slim but very little muscle tone. I am trying for the less “scrawny” look and also ensuring I get an all round healthy diet.

What you have done does sound somewhat excessive, but I wonder if you are now getting the correct nutrients into you for your body to function properly?

@bethy15
Your comments are similar to my nasty friend that I had to let go.
I was constantly told by her that I was going to gain the weight back, even while I was still losing it.

Ultimately, she couldn’t handle I was slimmer than her - or others commenting on my size. It was just nastiness on her part.

The surgeon explained I don’t have a stomach any more - this wasn’t something I imagined. He explained before surgery, he explained after surgery and showed me internal pictures. It is just a tube and doesn’t function like a normal stomach. It doesn’t break down food like a stomach does, it doesn’t produce the normal hormones that tell me when to eat. I don’t get hungry. I don’t have a mental health condition because I choose to believe a surgeon over some random SAHM on mumsnet who has spent far too much time on google today.

My question was specific in respect to what my boyfriend being unreasonable asking me to do squats.

Clearly you have twisted this to there being something wrong with me and needing help.

@over50andfab

Possibly not getting the right nutrients, which is one reason exercise is almost impossible.

I do go for walks when I’m not sick.

@Secretprofile You are cherrypicking issues to fixate on. Yes, you have an ED but you also have mental health problems. No point in only treating your physical symptoms by having injections and so on if you won’t address your Mental Health as well.

I’m not sure this man is right for you but equally I’m not convinced he’s abusive or a gaslighter. Please speak to your GP about your Mental Health.

Just to add...I have never had my eyebrows done in my life! Although I’m told I “scrub up well” with make up, clothes etc it’s also important to be accepted as I am and I will equally go to the supermarket in a tracksuit and no make up. It really doesn’t bother me.

OP you still have an eating disorder.

No one is being nasty to you. This makes me think that this us part of your disorder too. I doubt whatever you boyfriend will be right and you will twist it into something negative about yourself.

What injections do you have to have?

Again, is it likely that your health problems are related to all this is some way?

So you’re thinking that it doesn’t matter if your diet is lacking because if you’re deficient in anything, your GP will sort it. It’s really not as straightforward as that, as I’m sure you know deep down. I really worry for you OP as I can see how deeply you are in the grip of this illness. I have lost friends to this illness and it is not a nice way to die. I watched my mother starve to death for other reasons (cancer obstructing her bowel) and it was truly horrific.

What are you eating in a day since the surgery? How much extra weight did you have to gain for the surgery - a few pounds or a hundred?