Boyfriend asked me to exercise

[SecretProfile]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 5 months. This weekend just gone he suggested I do some squats. It started out jokingly and then he brought up the squats again then he suggested lunges as “surely you can cope with lunges?” - he then looked at me very seriously.

I’m currently an Australian size 8 and I’m 57kg. I’m short but I’m in the healthy BMI range.

The history of this is I’ve been very unwell lately and doctors and specialists are trying to work out what is wrong with me.

I’m too tired to exercise and I’m often sick and taking a lot of painkillers.

I’m thinking that he isn’t happy with my body, even though I’ve seen pictures of his ex-wife and she looks to be a size 16.

The only comment he makes about my body is that he loves my tits (yes, he says tits).

Is this a red flag or am I oversensitive to this? I am very insecure about my weight and his comments have bothered me.

[Gronky]

Perhaps, rather than presuming the worst about his comments, you could discuss why he thinks you should exercise? I was very taken aback when someone in my office suggested I take up running as working out seemed unthinkable with the state I was in at the time (poor sleep, constant daytime exhaustion) but, when I asked for an explanation, it turned out they thought it might help. In the event, it absolutely did.

[Muddysnowdrop]

You need to forget about the relationship and get a better relationship with yourself. How you didn’t think your eating disorder was relevant to your OP I can’t imagine. You are viewing everything through a distorted lens.

[hickerydickerydockmouse]

Can be many reasons other than not liking your body. Mine tells me to exercise as I am always tired and he says that he knows from experience that if I exercise I will get more energy and feel less tired. May be yours himself likes to exercise and wants to do it with you.

[SecretProfile]

@YogaWannabe a gastric sleeve removes 80% or more of the stomach. Bear in mind the stomach stretches when you eat food. I have just a tube left (I’ve seen a picture of it after the sleeve was done - it’s a thin tube).

[malificent7]

He didn't say he was unhappy with your body...did he? Not liking the word tits though!

[malificent7]

People suggest exercise for all sorts of reasons.

[malificent7]

So he suggests that you guys go for a hike ( nice, perfectly normal idea) and according to mn you are being mind fucked.
Face/ palm. I think mn likes to see ladies single tbh.

[penisbeakers]

Tell him to fuck off.

[PatriciaHolm]

I don't think you are in a good place to have a relationship at all right now.

From what you've said, it's impossible to say what his intentions are, because you are over analysing any and all comments about your health and appearance. You have serious eating and self image issues that you are not seeking help for. He could be trying, in a slightly uninformed and hapless way, to help; he could be being a complete and intentional arse. From what you've said, we can't tell.

either way, you are not in a good place for a relationship.

[Tennesseewhiskey]

Its impossible to tell what's happening here because your thoughts are so disordered.

My dp suggested I exercised more. Because he knows it's for mental health, he knows how stressed I am, knows I want to lose weight and take no time for myself. His suggestion was that he looked after my son for a hour a couple of time a week and I went for a walk with my best friend, or the gym, or walked the dog. Not because he thinks theres a problem with my weight.

If your boyfriend can see you getting weaker and more unhappy, he may need concerned.

To the comment about eating small amount of food. You said he complemented that when you were out sharing food. It's possible that was 'i like you don't eat alot, leave more for me' type joke.

The compliments about what you wear your make up etc, maybe because he is scared to compliment your body. Because of your eating disorder. He genuinely may think he is doing the best thing.

He could also be a dick. But when you are so far gone into an eating disorder that you still think its normal, to put on weight so you can have your stomach removed, it's hard for a partner to do the right thing. Everything could be viewed as a put down. People with eating disorders can and do see any compliment in a negative light.

Either way, I think you need help and that you aren't in the right head space for a relationship.

I cant help wonder what is so wrong that a doctor has said even gentle exercise shouldn't be attempted. I am assuming the mystery illness is related to your eating disorder or malnutrition related. Have the recommended that you don't exercise, because of the chance you would over do it? Plenty of people who have had eating disorders, then begin eating but obsessively exercising instead.

You are in bad shape physically and mentally. You need some help and I don't think you boyfriend can provide it

[ballsdeep]

Op if you don't mind me asking, why did you have a gastric band when you are so small anyway?

[cauliflowersqueeze]

I think you know in your heart that his intentions aren’t supportive or positive for you.

What are you going to do?

[SaturdayNext]

I'm quite horrified that you've gone as far as abusing your body in order to get your stomach removed. I rather agree that your boyfriend may be trying to help you in terms of building up your muscle strength. Did you have therapy before having this surgery?

[SecretProfile]

@ballsdeep
I never said I had a gastric band.

[Nanna50]

Are your complications from bariatric surgery and did you lose much weight? As with any major surgery recovery can be slow but if you are not absorbing all of your vitamins you will feel worse. Do you have follow up with your gastric surgeon?

I think it’s hard to know on whether YABU about your DB comments as you come across as self absorbed, which would influence the context of the conversation.

Therapy should be part of the pathway to surgery, as others have mentioned perhaps your priority should be to address your relationship with yourself?

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Unless you ask him straight we’d be guessing into oblivion. If you lost so much weight maybe your skin is loose and he thinks exercise is the way to tone it up?
He doesn't sound supportive so either have avchat with him and bin if he doesn’t change his approach to you or if you’ve had enough - just bin. No great loss there.

[Weetabixandshreddies]

Aw what a sweetie! The op is so ill they need to take constant painkillers and under go tests, obviously some ‘gentle coxing’ into working out is exactly what the OP needs right now!

This is me right now. Very unwell and take enough tablets to make me rattle, including tramadol and pregabalin for pain.

I exercise 3 times a week and do physio every day. I have to to maintain my strength and to help my pain.

Every hospital appointment I go to they emphasise this.

I often feel unwell and would love to just take to.my bed but my husband encourages me to exercise and comes with me to the gym because he knows that I need to and that once I am there I will feel better.

Can't comment on the OP because we don't know what her illness is, or could be, and there is no context to these comments. Just a couple of suggestions for exercise or a request to do yoga or go for a walk together doesn't sound terrible on the surface.

Is he really into exercise and fitness OP? If so, have you known this from the outset? Could it be that your interests are just completely different?

I'm not sure that I'm really following your comments about body parts and compliments tbh and as for the looking tired comments I get this all the time from people at work etc. Usually on the odd day when I don't actually feel tired. I don't really take much notice, I certainly don't dwell on it. It might just be his way of showing concern or I suppose it could be him trying to bring you down. It's very difficult to tell from the few comments you mention.

Frankly, if you don't want to do the exercise why don't you just say so and then guage his reaction?

[GreenEggsHamandChips]

I havent read sll the thread but i wanted to Add

I have a daughter who badly needs to build some strength. She knackered an awful lot and goes to bed early. There no magic pill the doctor can give her, she exhausted because she is deconditioned. There is no nice way to say it and its my bloody job to nag her. All i can do us give her opportunity and encouragement. I cant imagine what it would be like if i had the same problem with a partner. I do thibk what he's saying could come from a good place

[LovingLola]

Am I reading correctly that you deliberately overate to the extent that you would qualify for bariatric surgery? And had most of your stomach removed?

[LunafortJest]

It sounds to me like the reason you are so unwell is because your eating disorder. You're perhaps not getting enough nutrients, are malnourished and are probably lacking in potassium. Also bingeing/starving effs up your electrolytes and body chemistry. If you get your eating disorder under control my bet is that most of your health problems would disappear.

[SofaSurfer20]

Seriously tell him to jog on x

[Lovemusic33]

I don’t think he means your fat, I think he’s just encouraging you to exercise, at no point has he said your fat or he isn’t happy with your body, maybe he thinks exercise will improve your illness? I’m one of those people who believes what you put into your body and what you do with your body is what makes you healthy (gentle exercise and good food) maybe he’s thinking the same? I exercise most days at the gym and I see people with disabilities and older people with health issues exercising, a lot of them do stretches, squats and lunges in some shape and form, it also helps with mental health, maybe he thinks some form of exercise will help?

[GottaGoGottaGo]

The more you drip-feed things, the more I think that you do need professional help. You are obsessed with your size and your body. You have mentioned that you bought the smallest thing in the shop and needed it altering, you talk about having had your eyebrows "professionally tidied and tinted", you talk about spending a fortune on clothes.

Unless I have misunderstood - you also deliberately put on weight so you would qualify for bariatric surgery?! I assume that is the "organ removal" surgery you are currently recovering from and very ill from? Which is very different from the scenario you were insinuating. I was assuming your "organ removal" was a kidney or lung... It wasn't, it was a voluntary choice, (as you put it) to have your stomach removed. That is not normal, that kind of thinking needs help.

I'll be totally honest, I don't think your boyfriend can ever win with any conversation. It is unfortunate wording that he says he likes your "tits", but to say he doesn't compliment you on anything else is wrong isn't it? In a later post you said he says you have beautiful eyes. What else has he said that you have conveniently forgotten to tell us? Also, I know my husband loves my body but he doesn't say, "Hey, your elbows are looking lovely today!".

I think you should split up, for both your sakes and speak to someone who can help you through your body issues

[extrastrongnosugar]

red flag!! this is gonna get so much worse!

but how about you ask him to make more money? Surely he could earn 1 or 2k more!

[downcasteyes]

FFS, this winds me up.

"This is me right now. Very unwell and take enough tablets to make me rattle, including tramadol and pregabalin for pain. I exercise 3 times a week and do physio every day. I have to to maintain my strength and to help my pain. Every hospital appointment I go to they emphasise this."

OK, let's go back to basics. Can you see the difference between these two things.

1. You are ill. Your doctors advise you to exercise. Exercise helps you.
2. The OP is ill. The doctors have advised her not to exercise. Exercise does not help her.

For crying out loud can we PLEASE stop running each other down on the assumption that our own life and choices are a patternbook for everybody else, in whatever situation. People are DIFFERENT. Situations are DIFFERENT. What is right for one person is wrong for another.

OP: I think this crosses a red line. One thing that is really important in any longterm relationship is a sense that the person will be there. supportively, in the event of serious illness. Instead of being concerned with your health and wellbeing, he's telling you to think about toning your thighs. Tell him to jog on!