Boyfriend asked me to exercise

[SecretProfile]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 5 months. This weekend just gone he suggested I do some squats. It started out jokingly and then he brought up the squats again then he suggested lunges as “surely you can cope with lunges?” - he then looked at me very seriously.

I’m currently an Australian size 8 and I’m 57kg. I’m short but I’m in the healthy BMI range.

The history of this is I’ve been very unwell lately and doctors and specialists are trying to work out what is wrong with me.

I’m too tired to exercise and I’m often sick and taking a lot of painkillers.

I’m thinking that he isn’t happy with my body, even though I’ve seen pictures of his ex-wife and she looks to be a size 16.

The only comment he makes about my body is that he loves my tits (yes, he says tits).

Is this a red flag or am I oversensitive to this? I am very insecure about my weight and his comments have bothered me.

[SecretProfile]

@Thatsnotmyotter
I agree ...I don’t see a professional. I’m not paying someone to go back to perceived trauma in my childhood as a possible reason I abuse food.

Further, most females who look a certain way (skinny) have to starve themselves or exercise excessively.

[mimibunz]

He sounds coarse and judgmental. Definitely one for the bin.

[SecretProfile]

@OftenHangry

He has never said “I like your body” only “I love your tits”.

I haven’t misunderstood. He compliments my clothes. Not me wearing them.

[Margot33]

He liked it when you hardly eat any food??!!! Big red flag there! You can do much much better.

[OftenHangry]

@SecretProfile but that doesn't mean he doesn't like your body. You can like things without complimenting them. Tbh you really should talk to a professional. Please.
The fact that you eat extra so you could get stomach done is really scary.

[SinkGirl]

I agree ...I don’t see a professional. I’m not paying someone to go back to perceived trauma in my childhood as a possible reason I abuse food.

Further, most females who look a certain way (skinny) have to starve themselves or exercise excessively

I mean this in the kindest possible way but you are not well right now. You’re justifying disordered eating in an attempt to control your weight. You’re avoiding confronting the underlying issues related to your disordered eating.

You say your weight would yo-yo - were you in a cycle of binging and starving? You say you deliberately ate yourself up to meet the criteria for surgery - how much weight did you have to gain for this and did you do it so that you didn’t have to eat any more?

Your body still needs energy to live and function. You say you eat very little - just because you are not hungry doesn’t mean you don’t need food. Are you eating enough to sustain you? If not that could definitely be contributing to fatigue and many other health issues (speaking from experience).

If you had to gain a significant amount of weight to get this surgery in order to make it easier to sustain an eating disorder then you absolutely need some intensive professional help.

It sounds to me like your boyfriend is the least of your concerns and I really worry for you as I know how hard it is to release yourself from the grip of this awful illness - I nearly got sucked back in myself a few months ago when I had a terrible stomach bug that stopped me from eating and then I couldn’t make myself start again, but I’m through it now because of the treatment I’ve had in the past.

Life doesn’t have to be like this - there is help, and it can be very effective if you pursue it and commit to it. I’m still not 100%, I still struggle with the size and shape of my body (especially since my twins were born) but it doesn’t consume every waking moment any more and I know that my body is not the most important thing about me. I hope you can get to the same place - you are worth it, your health is worth it.

[JRMisOdious]

He didn’t criticise your body. I think he expressed concern that you couldn’t physically manage lunges. In the context of potentially poor health, maybe he’s just worried about you?
The only direct comment about your appearance was complimentary (ok not ideally expressed, but positive not negative nonetheless).

[Springisallaround]

Given you are looking at the world through the lens of an eating disorder and having recently had gastric surgery, it's hard to see if this guy is doing much wrong, I can't get the tone of the comments, and if he comments you see it as negative (wrong comment, wrong body part) and if he doesn't comment you see this as wrong too. Suggesting hiking or gym activities isn't an abnormal thing to do in and of itself, he may also be trying to work out what's going on health-wise. Perhaps you did look tired!

This is all very odd and I agree with whoever said you need professional support in relation to this. I'm not sure this guy is trying to undermine you- it's not as if he's making you do exercises or go on a hike, after all.

[Hotterthanahotthing]

I think this is your problem too.
He has said he likes your eyes,tits and you dress nicely.You discount the dress nicely although this was a positive when your doctor mentioned it.I can't read that he has been negative about your body.
I'm not sure about the exercise as some of these thing he has suggested doing together.
The eating thing is your issue.
You have only known him 5 months so no I would not have expected him to have mentioned the future with you.
If you don't talk to him about how his comments make you feel how is he to know,especially ifexercising is his thing and he wants you to share.
So he's either abusive or already begining to tread eggshells around you so either way this relationship is already over(and at 5months you should be having fun).
Hope your health /eating issues resolve.

[Springisallaround]

Thing is- whatever we all think, you do not have to go out with this person if you don't want to. I don't think we can dig into what's really going on here, he may be supportive but saying the wrong things, he may be a nasty piece of work only interested in your body. We can't know- but you don't need our permission to get out of the relationship if it doesn't feel right to you.

[Laylajaney]

Maybe he finds it attractive when you exercise.It might not be about your wt.

[dontgobaconmyheart]

I don't know OP, perhaps your bias towards being slimmer as a result of ED related feelings has you assuming he thinks you are too large when he very possibly is concerned you are not carrying enough weight. Perhaps the suggestion of swuats/lunges is to build body mass rather than lose it. That might be motivated by shallow misogyny and his sexual preferences or it might be that he is concerned about your health, which from your own description, is not currently where you'd want it to be due to unknown (as yet) reasons.

All that aside of you think he's gaslighting and potentially abusing and is causing you distress or a worsening of your mental health- why are you with him? It doesn't sound as though he is making you happy, or that you feel good about yourself or him. It's only been a few months. If it's not him but it's you perhaps a relationship isn't suitable until you've worked on the issues you have. Either way it seems you're better off without. Not sure I could be bothered with a grown man saying he loved my 'tits'

[Blackbear10]

I think the absolutely best thing for you right now would be to get a really decent therapist.

In the nicest possible way you aren’t well, you need help.

Your partner sounds awful but really you need to make your mental health the priority right now.

[Laylajaney]

If you are not happy with him and the things he says to you -simply leave the relationship.
You are not dependant on him for your happiness.
All the best in finding someone who you feel happy with.

[WitchesGlove]

I don’t want to hijack this thread-

But what would be your reaction if a boyfriend told you to ‘dye your grey hair’?

(And in context, you didn’t have much grey hair, but he had more and was also overweight and wore awful glasses)

[Willow2017]

He randomly told op she should be doing squats then lunges for no apparent reason other than he thought she should be able to do them and its because of his concern?

Because someone having to.take painkillers and is frequently sick just needs a few lunges to sort her out!

I cant do squats due to a health problem does that mean i should try harder or maybe do what i am capable of without someone being sarcastic that i cant?

Op has said he never compliments her apart from her boobs. Thats pretty ummature surely? If you like someone you don't fixate on thier boobs you compliment the person.

Op has had major abdominal surgery squats and lunges are hardly appropriate exercises for her on some gits say so.

Plus they fact he likes that she doesnt eat much when they go out ...wtf massive red flag. That plus the exercise is totally a control thing. Sounds like he wants her to stay skinny by eating less and exercising whether its actually good for her or not.
If someone has had surgery plus fatigue plus an undiagnosed heath problem you offer to go for a nice gentle walk in the sunshine with them, not tell them they need to go on a bloody miles long hike.

Op may have issues with eating but that doesn't give him the right to tell her what to do regarding her own body.

If he was concerned he would be supporting her in her current health issues not pushing her into random exercises he thought of off the top of his head.

[IHateUncleJamie]

Further, most females who look a certain way (skinny) have to starve themselves or exercise excessively.

Honey no, they don’t. Some women are just naturally slim.

I say this with good intentions; you need counselling. Not just to go over the causes of your ED, to build strategies for knowing when your ED is skewing what you think of yourself and other people, and to be able to hear clearly what other people are saying to you and why. The Inner Critic is extremely unhelpful and often a great big liar and you need professional help to see and hear past it.

At the moment it’s difficult for us to judge your BF as your ED might be skewing his intentions. Please do get pro help. Sending hugs. xxx

[Aeroflotgirl]

You need to dump his ass SecretProfile he is nasty and will pull you down. You sound fine, and you have been ill, he should be looking after you and caring for you, not telling you to exercise and that he likes your tits. I assure you, once you dump him, you will feel a lot better.

[SecretProfile]

@BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty mine always mentions how he likes that I do my makeup and get my nails done ....but it makes it hard to see him when I’ve not done myself up

[Aeroflotgirl]

He is only interested in the superficial, and not you. He sounds empty and shallow, not a nice man.

[FuerzaAreaUruguay]

Get rid of him. Take a break from all dating until you have some therapy.

[YogaWannabe]

Definitely bin him and invest in decent therapy.

Off topic but I didn’t think gastric sleeve was the removal of the stomach rather making it a different shape and size?

[rachelfrost]

I don’t think he’s a jerk but doesn’t sound like the boyfriend for you. Lots who exercise regularly often try to encourage others to with good intentions. Granted given your ill health he shouldn’t but maybe he didn’t think it through - so okay maybe he’s a bit of a jerk. No need to get all red flag and gas lighty about it tho.

From the way you assess his behaviour (he likes tits!, mentions when you’ve been to the beautician, sharing meals) it sounds like you’re not at peace with your appearance and are always on the look out for feedback about it. He’s not sensitive to your feelings about your body image and doesn’t support you in the way you need so it’s not a relationship worth sticking with. There’ll be better matches for both of you out there. Good luck

[BackforGood]

The more you post, the clearer it has become that this isn't about him.
You need to learn to love yourself.
whether that is some sort of counselling or therapy or something else, I don't know. But it doesn't mater what someone says if you aren't comfortable 'being you' then you are going to take it the wrong way.
You are clearly not well
Oh, and plenty of people are slim without starving themselves - once again, your mind is not in the right place.
Please get yourself some help and support.