Boyfriend asked me to exercise

[SecretProfile]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 5 months. This weekend just gone he suggested I do some squats. It started out jokingly and then he brought up the squats again then he suggested lunges as “surely you can cope with lunges?” - he then looked at me very seriously.

I’m currently an Australian size 8 and I’m 57kg. I’m short but I’m in the healthy BMI range.

The history of this is I’ve been very unwell lately and doctors and specialists are trying to work out what is wrong with me.

I’m too tired to exercise and I’m often sick and taking a lot of painkillers.

I’m thinking that he isn’t happy with my body, even though I’ve seen pictures of his ex-wife and she looks to be a size 16.

The only comment he makes about my body is that he loves my tits (yes, he says tits).

Is this a red flag or am I oversensitive to this? I am very insecure about my weight and his comments have bothered me.

[Willow2017]

Good old mn.
Op has had major surgery and gp has told her to tale it easy as she is still recovering and there is something medically amiss which she hasnt figured out yet and she needs further testing for but her dp has the answer...squats and lunges and a good old hike for miles.
Thank Christ a man came and solved her problens in one fell swoop out of the goodness of his heart!

Op he doesnt care a jot about you just how you look (and you do as he thinks you should) and once you start changing to suit him it will never end.

Lose a ton of dead weight by Binning him and enjoy life your way. No way should you be doing strenuous exercise just now. Do not go on some damm hike. If you feel up to it do something gentle you like which will not stress out your body but until you recover from surgery and get to the bottom of the other problem doing exercise you arent used to could make things 10 times worse.

Put yourself first not that idiot who has no idea about whats right for your body right now.

[PlainSpeakingStraightTalking]

@secretprofile

This comment of yours - He doesn’t like my body because he’s never said he likes it. - that seems like a massive leap and assumption to make. However, you dont seem to like him much so remove yourself from the relationship. No biggie.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

He says he likes how I hardly eat any food....

Do you have an eating disorder?

[Motherofcreek]

Get rid. Honestly.

He doesn’t fancy you. I had a ex bf who was like this and often made comments about how I should spend time in the gym or tone up. I was a uk size 10. I’d never ever had any one say anything like this to me and I just swollowed it. Luckily he soon lost interest and I met my Dh who would never say anything like that. I’ve put weight on since dc and he loves my body.

He is just killing time before some one else comes along.

[sighrollseyes]

If you want to exercise do it for you and not for anyone else.
Exercise is good for us all generally (not just from a weight perspective), but you should do it because you want to do it / feel a need to do it. Definitely NOT Just because someone you've known 5 minutes tells you he thinks you should.

[SecretProfile]

@IDoN0tCare
😝
I don’t think I’m mind fucked ....I’m in a better place emotionally if I can get clarity that he is trying to head fuck me.

I can understand if he always liked skinny girls and I was being compared ....but he’s not comparing me to anyone. He’s ex-wife was a larger lady.

[SecretProfile]

@AnchorDownDeepBreath
Yes, I have an eating disorder

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

@AnchorDownDeepBreath**
Yes, I have an eating disorder

Okay. Are you getting any help?

There are two possibilities here. Either he wants to help you build muscle so you can eat more, or he's trying to encourage you to lose more weight and worsen the problem. You will know better than us, but from what you've said, I suspect the latter.

This must be really hard. Please don't let this worsen your condition

[OftenHangry]

Yes, I have an eating disorder

Does he know? And the extent of it?

[GregoryPeckingDuck]

Do leave him.

[teainthemorning]

Sorry lovey but he's playing mind games; negative comments on your looks, he likes the fact that you don't eat much, subtly insinuating that you need to lose weight/ exercise more.
All classic signs of control.

[Thatsnotmyotter]

I think it’s going to be impossible to unpick what is criticism and what is perceived criticism due to your illness. You would be better of speaking to a professional about this.

[SinkGirl]

I already knew you had an eating disorder from your previous comments. I’m not sure whether he has an issue with your body (I doubt he does) but the type of comments he’s making are certainly not healthy for someone with this issue.

I suspect it may be more that he doesn’t think you’re really unwell and is trying to push you out of it - I’ve experienced this myself (and eating disorders too). You can’t exercise your way out of chronic fatigue and in your position putting too much emphasis on exercise will be unhealthy. Get rid of him and focus on your health.

[bananamonkey]

5 months in there should t be any negative feedback! I don’t think DH has criticised my looks in the last 12 years...

[IDoN0tCare]

Oh gosh, OP, I’m sorry about that head ducked comment. I get overly anxious when I think a woman is getting involved in an abusive relationship. Been there, worn the ripped and bloody tee shirt.

I’m glad you’re gaining the strength to know what’s happening in this relationship. It does sound very deliberate, on his part, that he got with a woman with a very very slim woman after being with a wife who carried extra weight. I wonder if he was the reason she was heavier?

[BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty]

I understand. I have a weird embarrassing issue with my eating. I know its an earing disorder but I swing between binge eating til Im sick amd starving myself. I always feel out of control regarding it but i disnt get help when i spoke up about it in 2006.

An ex of mine when I was breastfeeding my second, told.me i needed to cut back on my food. I wasnt large. I also slent 2.5 years with a manchild obsessed with how i didnt look slutty and pretty enough and pushed clothes on me which i hates. When he met me, i had dreadlocks and scruffy outdoors summer clothes, it couldnt have been more obvious i was alternative and not into make up.

That one was very sexually coercive amd i left after i felt raped

[BackforGood]

I'm with Flossie, Woolly and others.
From what you are posting, it seems it is you who is obsessed with your body. When you say he doesn't comment on the rest of your body - er, why would he ? My dh doesn't go around commenting on my body, and I don't on his.
It sounds - and we can only go on what you have posted - that he is suggesting that some gentle exercise might do you the world of good, and it is something he can support you with, and then you are somehow translating that into a criticism of your body.
Yes, you have told us that your Dr has said not to exercise, but going for a walk in the fresh air is what he is suggesting, aside from trying the lunges, not running a marathon.

[Omzlas]

Exercise helps me massively with both my physical and mental health (long term chronic condition + depression). But unless he's suggesting exercise to improve either of those things, as opposed to helping trim / tone, he's a wanker and you deserve better

[SecretProfile]

I have always yo-yo’d with my weight. Then I decided to do something about it and had my stomach removed (gastric sleeve). I ate extra food to make sure I could meet the weight criteria. I can eat as much or as little as I want. I definitely overate before. He knows about the gastric sleeve. Which is why I wonder about his comments about my exercising. Is he deliberately being an asshole? He never knew me when I was fat. He only knows me now. The health issues aren’t all because I’m not eating.

[SecretProfile]

@AnchorDownDeepBreath

No, I’m not. I’ve had my stomach removed so I’m not hungry.

I think he mentions my exercising so that I get insecure. But I wasn’t convinced of this. This is why I posted on here to ask.

He knows I ended a friendship after she kept making comments about my weight and what I was eating.

He wouldn’t dare comment on the food part because I hardly eat.

[SecretProfile]

@teainthemorning
That is what I thought.... that it is about control. I’ve also posted under another name about him gaslighting me (I didn’t call it gaslighting - someone else did).

This is just another form of control.

I think he’s doing it because he’s insecure. His friends are happy in relationships and I think he is pretending to make it work with me because it’s easier than finding someone else.

[BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty]

Sorry forgot to say, with the one I had a baby with, there were always comments about exercise, my nails which I have bitten most of my life, comparisons between me and his exes. I missed so many red flags.

[outpinked]

Get a new boyfriend.

[maras2]

A hike sounds good
Tell him to take one ON HIS OWN.
He sounds unpleasant, however you seem to be rather body shape/size conscious even though you're only just under 9 stone.Be careful.

[OftenHangry]

I am going to be playing devil's advocate here assuming he knows about your eating disorder.

I had a friend with anorexia and later bulimia.
Depending on a day a sentence "You look lovely in this dress" could have gotten 2 possible reactions. 1 "I look fat, don't I?! That's why you 'complimented' me"! " or "You think I am too skinny, don't you?! That's why you 'complicated' me! Why don't you bug out!"
No matter what was said, it usually had a negative effect. And if nothing was said it was the same. Some were accused of jealusy when trying to say that she is getting way too skinny. Even though she ended up in hospital for malnutrition.
We all ended up in a constant fear of saying something or not saying something which would put her on a downward spiral again.

Maybe, he is in a similar situation and his comment on how little you eat may have been that he stupidly said something about food but had a choice between that and
"You eat too little" "What? You want to make me fat!" and "Why don't you have little more?" "What? You want to make me fat!".

It's hard to talk to someone with eating disorder. A simple compliment can turn into a horrible scene. That's maybe why he never compliments your body.

And as one pp said. Maybe the exercise suggestion is not meant as you understood it" You need to lose weight" but as "Exercise helps to body and mind feeling better" and he hopes to build up some muscle on you so you need to eat?

Obviously, it can be what other pp said and he is just a dick.