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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

575 replies

Alicia870 · 24/02/2019 15:26

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 24/02/2019 17:31

Not a chance I would go to this. You don’t have to either OP, even if he is your brother. This is really an unreasonable request.

SinkGirl · 24/02/2019 17:36

I’ll bet £20 that they’re going to do a special choreographed dance. They sound like the type.

MissEliza · 24/02/2019 17:36

I think very few 2 year olds could cope with being away from their parents for five days. Of course the OP's db and fiancé are currently childless so probably know nothing about children's needs. Perhaps they'll see how unreasonable they were being when they have their own dcs.

BlueSkiesLies · 24/02/2019 17:36

Sorry bro, no way can we leave DD for so long so we won’t be able to attend.

NataliaOsipova · 24/02/2019 17:37

I wouldn't leave my DC for 5 days for any reason, absolutely no way.

I wouldn’t either. Don’t go. His choice for his wedding; your choice whether it works for you or not. Send a card and a gift and your best wishes.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 24/02/2019 17:38

I think it depends on how well my dc knew her grandparents and whether she’d stayed with them before as to whether I would go and leave them. I wouldn’t want to miss my brothers wedding but also wouldn’t leave a child with grandparents or anyone that they weren’t that familiar with.

FaultInMyStars · 24/02/2019 17:38

Could you go for a shorter time and leave your daughter home with her dad?

Quintella · 24/02/2019 17:38

I’ll bet £20 that they’re going to do a special choreographed dance. They sound like the type.

Singlenotsingle · 24/02/2019 17:39

They're not unreasonable to want a child free wedding; and you're not unreasonable to decline the invitation.

cherish123 · 24/02/2019 17:40

Personally, I would not go abroad without my child. Your brother is being very unreasonable. However, some people are ok leaving DC while they go abroad. If you don't mind, DH could stay home with DD. Otherwise, I'd explain that if DD not invited, I'm not coming.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/02/2019 17:41

MrsTP
That’s interesting about Scottish weddings. I went to Jamie Stuart’s wedding reception (former bassist with The Cult) with my grandma. She was his neighbour. It was very informal.

Those were the days when people’s head weren’t so far up their arses and weddings weren’t polished to perfection.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2019 17:41

Your child’s happiness isn’t the happy couples responsibility Completely agree
At a wedding with kids the parents are responding for children behaviour and presence
At A destination wedding it isn’t a guests responsibility to pander to the”happy couple” every egocentric request esp if these requests are costly,
burdensome,
Involve lots of travel
involve prolonged time at said happy couple wedding

Destination weddings are Wanky and conspicuous

DawgLover · 24/02/2019 17:41

He's totally within his rights to have a child free wedding. Ive been to loads, and tbh they haven't been boring or lesser for it - just different but still wonderful days.

You're not unreasonable to say you can't go, or to let your brother know why you'll have to decline (though going as a family and having DH stay with your DD on the day seems like a good compromise). You would be unreasonable to try to get him to change his mind - as inconvenient as it is, this appears to be what the couple want.

He'll have to accept that not everyone can/would leave a toddler for that length of time and that if you dont attend thats a consequence of his own decisions.

hellojason · 24/02/2019 17:43

OP, what do you think of some of the suggestions on here? Do you fancy Croatia for a family holiday anyway? If you do, are you prepared to use a trustworthy local babysitting service or ask in-laws along to provide childcare? Just attend on the big day, ignore the rest of the events then carry on with your holiday (at a nearby hotel). Win-win!

You sound like you'd like to attend your brother's wedding really so what's the compromise?

Quintella · 24/02/2019 17:44

I think destination weddings are nice if you're a multi-millionaire who is friends with other multi-millionaires, none of you restricted by money and annual leave allowances. For everyone else they're a bit of a ballache.

Anewchapter · 24/02/2019 17:44

I had an invite to a child free wedding once so made arrangements to have my young children looked after. I love my children but I must admit I was looking forward to an adult day. At the church it became apparent that two couples had ‘negotiated’ to take their young children. Cut to the reception to see on the seating plan I had been put on the table with the families with children because ‘I was used to eating with children’...

Quintella · 24/02/2019 17:46

ask in-laws along to provide childcare?

Really?

LazyLizzy · 24/02/2019 17:49

To me a destination wedding means we want to bugger off on our own, and are only inviting you out of politeness.

But it sounds like some brides and grooms actually expect people to pay a fortune and use their annual leave to go abroad and watch them get married.

Just say thanks but no thanks, you're off the hook because you won't be wasting your one family holiday without your actual family.

Comefromaway · 24/02/2019 17:50

My in laws don’t even have a passport. Asking them to traipse to Croatia would be unthinkable!

timeisnotaline · 24/02/2019 17:50

I wouldn’t go. 5 days is annual leave and family holiday budget that I’d want for my family.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 24/02/2019 17:55

All the advice to approach the brother and partner to ask them to reconsider is 'CF' mode - they have made their choice and to coerce them into changing their plans is, well, it's manipulative.

So lets bank that.

One idea has been over looked of course . Take the child, use a baby sitting agency provided by the destination. Then she can join in the rest of the 'family holiday' .

But in reality, I'm with the rest of the posters - destination weddings are a wanky PIA and best avoided.

Or you could just take the opportunity to have some child free time and leave her with the ILS - and no she isn't going to have long term abandonment ishoos from being with people she knows and trusts.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 24/02/2019 17:56

I would grab him on his own and ask him again if DD can attend. If he says no definitely not then your choices are to not go, go with DD but leave her with DH while you go alone or leave her with PILs.

I would be pretty pissed with my brother for this tbh.

StarJumpsandaHalf · 24/02/2019 17:57

if it were at home I wouldn't have a problem with it, but to use my annual leave and holiday budget for the year to exclude my child is just not going to happen

It's sad, but I wouldn't use the annual leave or the money to go and exclude my immediate family either and that includes for a shorter visit.
Not when it's just a destination party and not cultural attachment.

It's a time when a well worn phrase comes in to play 'Unfortunately that doesn't work for us. Am sure you'll have a fabulous time though'

Leeds2 · 24/02/2019 17:59

I don't think you would be unreasonable not to attend at all, or to go by yourself ie without DH but with other family members.
I also don't think DB and his bride to be are being unreasonable by having a childfree wedding. That is their choice. I do though think you would be unreasonable to nag/try and get him to change his mind, and DB would be unreasonable for not accepting graciously your decision not to go.

Charley50 · 24/02/2019 17:59

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking - your groundbreaking idea to bring along baby and get a sitter has been suggested by a few people already.

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