Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

[Alicia870]

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

Queenofice a wedding is about making vows in front of family and friends who will support your marriage. It's much more than a day and certainly much more than the bride and groom having a special day and being centre of attention. It's about vows that are difficult to maintain over 40 + years and you are asking your support network to celebrate and support you. Some of these people may have children, it's people you want to spend time with in future, discuss problems maybe even ask their advice about parenting. It amazes me how people reduce a wedding to their special day that family/ friends children will ruin

I think that it is very out of order having a childless destination wedding, as it implies being able to have childcare to leave kids with, and leaving kids for a length of time. They can't have it all their way, and the might expect those with children will not be able to come. You don't have to, it is a wedding not a summons, as they say on Mumsnet!

@innedaholidaynow yeah his grandmother she would have plied him with chocolate hobnobs, sugar free orange jelly and her homemade sausage and chips to keep him happy, and even after 48hours if they had phoned to say you have to come back he's too much, I would have conveniently been unable to move my flight 😂

He put me off even attempting TTC number 2 till a couple of months ago! He was horrid, I hated him. Every day a battle, every day he would wear me down emotionally, he was violent would bite and pull my hair, try and poke me in the eyes!! I'm glad it was a phase and passed. He's as cool as a cucumber now, must have got it all out of his system in 18months!! Thank God.

grumiosmum

Maybe the op isn’t comfortable leaving ‘ the kid’ for a whole day and night with a babysitter that is a complete stranger. Who would do that to a toddler in a different country? What if the babysitter didn’t turn up on the day?

I would never consider this to be a solution.

What kind of family holiday is it going to be anyway?!

I would not leave my son for 5 days when he was so young (He is almost 2). But then, my brother would never ask me too. I wouldn't go. Explain why but you are not being unreasonable.

OP’s brother is BVU as he’s putting pressure on her to attend by comparing her not feeling able to go with the other parents who don’t mind leaving their children.

“Take the kid with you to Croatia, and use a babysitter for the actual wedding bits.”

I doubt that many people would be happy to leave a 2 year old with a complete stranger.

“Completely agree with @OrdinarySnowflake”

So do I.

I totally agree with you rootsandbranches. I do sort of understand if it's a budget issue but even then surely family children are isy of the support network.

I too would decline. I work full time and have limited annual leave and money to spend on enjoying my time with my DC. Unfortunately the cut from this to fund the wedding attendance (money and time) would be too much.

People are within their rights to have a child free wedding but honestly it does make me think less of them, adding a destination on top, my eyes would roll so far back in my head I'm not sure I'd ever see straight again.

I am totally sick of people’s expectations these days when it comes to weddings.

Five days.

Ridiculous. Lots of guests won’t go, and those that do will be mightly annoyed at the expense, annual leave required, and inconvenience.

But hey as long as the Bride and Groom are happy

I would either; go for 5 days or a week, with baby, and get a sitter for actual wedding (or DH be a sitter).
Or I would decline the invitation.
I definitely wouldn't spend lots of money and have the stress of going there just for one day though.

I'm with you on this Springwalk

What is wrong with a bog standard traditional wedding, where guests don't have to be guilt tripped into going?

I think some couples just want a "speshul day" and don't seem to think of a wedding as the start of a marriage. Thank goodness we got married before social media.

YABVVVU!! Don't go it it doesn't work for your childcare situation but your brother should in no way feel obligated to invite your child. The fact she is his neice is irrelevant. They want a childfree wedding and that is entirely upto them.

I wouldn't go either. If they don't have kids they probably don't think it's as big a deal as it actually is to leave your 2 yr old with someone else for five days when they aren't used to it. It's a huge demand to make though. At that age my DD has never spent a night without me.

I think it's bad enough they are getting married abroad and expecting everyone to pay £££ to go, without putting in additional clauses like no kids. They could at least accommodate close family's children.

I've been to one child-free wedding of friends, but they invited their own nieces and nephews, and explained very nicely their decision on the invite.

My SIl did this. She got married abroad when I had a new baby and a 2 year old. I didn’t go DH (her brother) went alone.
Did not help family relations put it that way.

Realistically I think weddings are fine to be childfree if local or children invited if a destination wedding. I think it’s really cheeky to expect you to give up your annual holiday budget and a fair chunk of your annual leave to attend a wedding without your toddler. I take it they don’t have children yet and have no concept of what they are expecting.

As for going a few days before and then staying after, that’s a want I wouldn’t be fulfilling. The couple should compromise on their expectations or expect you to decline. I think as others have suggested you could look into attending the day alone and taking your toddler for the holiday in a different hotel or just going alone for a short period of time.

A child free wedding at home is one thing, although they don't usually include nieces and nephews but a child free wedding abroad where you are expecting people to hand over big money, use holidays, stay days is completely and utterly twatish!

Fabaunt I think you are projecting a bit to be honest, if I'm not mistaken your sil is cheeky money grabbing user who can't be trusted to not let her kids run riot over the day, op isn't like that at all so its different

The year we got married we had 4 other weddings to go to for close family/friends. If they had all had destination weddings we would not have had sufficient funds or annual leave to be able to have a honeymoon for ourselves (our wedding was the last in the year). Luckily, they all had UK weddings and no silly expensive stags or hens either. Sadly, only us and one of the other couples are still married.

Clara
They expected you to leave a new baby. shameful.

Are you the SIL to be LollyHolly24?
Of course the OP isn't BU

Having a destination, child-free wedding is a bit of wanker move. You know it's going to be expensive, inconvenient and people are going to miss their kids.

But people are entitled to be wankers, I suppose.

I think some of it is to do with culture. All the weddings in my mainly Scottish family when I was younger were fun, not very formal, family/community affairs. Not poncetastic theatre productions for the bride and groom. Horses for courses.

Leave her with her dad for the first two days and the inlaws for the last one, you go ahead and enjoy some family time and DP can join you on the wedding day.

It's his wedding and he's not being unreasonable by excluding kids. If he makes an exception for yours then everyone else is going to be royally p*ssed off if they've made arrangements.

I'd probably just go alone if it was me, and only for the day itself.

If one of my siblings had a 5 day overseas child free wedding like that I'd go alone and leave the children with DH or (far more likely tbh) just decline completely as sadly impossible. So sad.

The utter self obsession of expecting people to leave their children in a different country to dance attendance on a bridal couple for 5 days, and pay for the privilege, is breath taking.

At 2 years old my DD had only spent a couple of nights away from me with my parents. No way would I have left her to go away for 5 days, even the best grandparents wouldn't be able to help a 2 year old desperately missing their own parents.