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Original poster

Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

575 replies

Alicia870 · 24/02/2019 15:26

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

OP posts:
Quintella · 24/02/2019 18:00

All the advice to approach the brother and partner to ask them to reconsider is 'CF' mode - they have made their choice and to coerce them into changing their plans is, well, it's manipulative.

So lets bank that.

  1. Surely that depends on the relationship you have with your siblings? Mine is one that's close, honest and open so talking them about the situation would not be seen as 'cheeky fuckery'. They're my siblings, not some random colleagues.

  2. 'Let's bank that'- Ugh. Hideous management speak.

HaveNoSocks · 24/02/2019 18:00

No way would I go away without my child. I'm reasonably well off (which wasn't always the case) but even so If I'm taking holiday time from work and spending money on going abroad it's got to be a whole family thing. Also at 2 there's no way I'd be leaving my DC for 5 days.

The most I'd do is all go to Croatia (assuming DD is welcome to the other activities if not the wedding) then have DH stay away from the wedding with DD. It would probably mean me not staying late at the wedding either. IN reality I'd probably be tempted just not to go.

woollyheart · 24/02/2019 18:01

If it is a destination wedding, this is a risk the bride and groom take. It is unreasonable to expect people to travel to random distant places. It is unreasonable to expect you to leave children behind for long periods.

I would say 'no, sorry, can't make it'.

Quintella · 24/02/2019 18:01

One idea has been over looked of course . Take the child, use a baby sitting agency provided by the destination. Then she can join in the rest of the 'family holiday'

Ummm....

Janethevirgo · 24/02/2019 18:01

It would be a very easy no from me with no qualms at all. It’s absolutely their decision to have a child free wedding but they need to accept that some guests, even those who are close relatives , may decline invite

Butterymuffin · 24/02/2019 18:06

do people really expect that guests will use their AL entitlement to do what the bride and groom say for days at a time?

Apparently. Though I wonder how many guests will decline, when they work out that the couple are basically saying 'We've decided where you're going on holiday this year, what dates you're going, and who you are and aren't allowed to bring with you. But you still have to pay for all the stuff we've chosen!'

I'd send OrdinarySnowflake's message too.

Deadbudgie · 24/02/2019 18:09

No way would I be using 5 days annual leave (for a lot of people that’s 1/4 of their annual leave) to spend away from my child.

No way would I leave my 2 year old for 5 days and go to another country, by the time you booked a flight got to the airport checked in, flew home and got back home you’ll be looking at 12 hours minimum.

I wouldn’t be spending all that money on a holiday my family couldn’t attend.

Anyone expecting you to do the above is unreasonable and a real CF. If you did get there there would no doubt be a number of activities you would expect to be involved in/pay for too.

Show DB this thread

sausagerollsses · 24/02/2019 18:16

I wouldn't go if I was in this situation.

Absolutelylocaltoyou · 24/02/2019 18:58

There seem to be a lot of overly offended people on this thread when it comes to their children

I couldn't let this comment go. It's not a question of offence, it's that the OP and many other posters, wouldn't want to leave their two year old for five days. I definitely wouldn't!

The bride and groom can choose whatever they want for their wedding but they can't complain when people decline their invitation.

BlackCatSleeping · 24/02/2019 19:13

The bride and groom can choose whatever they want for their wedding but they can't complain when people decline their invitation.

But they haven't complained, have they?

The OP isn't planning on declining, she's planning on talking to them and convincing them to allow her daughter to attend.

Absolutelylocaltoyou · 24/02/2019 19:15

But they haven't complained, have they?

I didn't say they had.

I don't believe she should try and convince them to change their plans. I completely agree with Ordinarysnowflake.

BlackCatSleeping · 24/02/2019 19:18

Ok, fair enough.

PinaColada1 · 24/02/2019 19:26

But it’s a huge thing isn’t it, it’s her own brother’s wedding? So even refusing is going to be heartbreaking.

Rainbunny · 24/02/2019 19:49

There's nothing wrong with a childfree wedding, you really can't dictate to the couple that they must allow children. Thas said, in your position I'd decline to go because it's not okay with you to leave your two year old without you for so long. The wedding couple have to understand that if they're going to have a destination wedding and make it child free on top of that, then they have no right to be annoyed if guests decline to attend.

I understand that it's a shame as you clearly would like to share in your DB's special day but you won't mind it as much as you think (speaking as someone who has declined similar family wedding invitations in the past). Hopefully your DB and his fiance relax and decide not to worry about your dd joining but you can't guilt trip them over it, be calm and respectful of their choice to have no children attend as they must respect your decision that you can't attend.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 24/02/2019 19:55

All the advice to approach the brother and partner to ask them to reconsider is 'CF' mode - they have made their choice and to coerce them into changing their plans is, well, it's manipulative

Sometimes family comes first. This is one of those times imo. The brother needs to take into account his sisters 2 year old DD and the fact that she is fairly likely not going to be there if he and his bride to be stick to their guns on the no kids rule.

olivesnutsandcheese · 24/02/2019 20:03

Basically OP your 'd' bro is a bit of a dick.
No issues with child free weddings for me in the UK but there is no way I would have flown away from my 2 year old DS.
Clearly yanbu but how to sort out this situation? Firstly I would get your mum to have a word and see what happens, most doting grandmas would be horrified not to have every family member in the photos and then otherwise I'd book as a family and see if 'd' bro can sort a babysitter for the ceremony or evening eg. the part they desperately don't want kids around for.
If he still doesn't move then agree with DH that he babysits that day and evening but you include DD in everything other than the actual wedding.
If you go alone then I think you are heading for problems between DH and DBro.

Amy326 · 24/02/2019 20:05

I wouldn’t leave my 2 year old for 5 days, no. I understand child free weddings but tbh I don’t understand when people exclude their own nieces and nephews. They’re close family members and the children of your siblings! I find it rude and odd. If you’ll be really upset to miss it then I’d go for 2 days but not 5 and they’ll just have to like it or lump it!

LoniceraJaponica · 24/02/2019 20:26

"But it’s a huge thing isn’t it, it’s her own brother’s wedding? So even refusing is going to be heartbreaking."

IMO the destination is more important to the OP's brother than having his family there.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 24/02/2019 20:37

Easy to spot the posters on this thread who took similar attitudes to the OP's brother: 'it's all about me, me, me so others can suck it up no matter their expense and inconvenience because it's OUR DAY'. Fuck. That.

People's attitudes towards their weddings and wedding guests never fail to amaze me. Marrying couples, here's the shocker. It is not all about you. You're the host. Hosting means taking the comfort of your guests into consideration, not assuming carte blanche to ride roughshod over their needs because ... OUR DAY. You're not affording them some great privilege by inviting them. Guests are the ones doing YOU the honour. Sure, the logistics are the B&G's decision, but choices have consequences. And the consequences of this one are that parents will find it very difficult to attend, especially at the additional time, cost and inconvenience of an overseas wedding.

I'm firmly with the PP who said they wouldn't attend this wedding as a matter of principle. As for all the helpful suggestions as to how you might bend over backwards to accommodate your brother's selfishness, I'd be firmly inclined to ignore these. Your brother sure as hell isn't bending over backwards to accommodate you.

OP, YADNBU.

Shookethtothecore · 24/02/2019 20:40

On a side note I’m surprised so many people wouldn’t leave their children. Like actually horrified at the thought of an adult event or trip without them.
What ever?!

AliceLiddel · 24/02/2019 20:42

i dont think he is BU about the childfree wedding, however expecting you to be there for 5 days is. I would leave DC at home and travel over the night before the wedding and come home the morning after.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 24/02/2019 20:44

My bro had a destination wedding at an adults only hotel. We didn't even get an invite, mainly because it was hugely expensive and we had DD. No need to go no contact, he did us a favour in that we didn't need to decline Grin, actually, they then decided on a UK party too which was lovely.

I wouldn't try to guilt your DB into inviting your DD. I would simply explain that you can't attend because.... or you're only attending for 1/2 nights because... They know why you can't come but you're not guilting them into inviting your DD. If they want you there for the full 5 days then they'll need to compromise.

However, I'm not sure why weddings are now an all weekend or all week affair. I don't personally give any time to bonkers stag/hen dos, involving high cost and travel and I certainly wouldn't be going to a destination wedding.

Ginger1982 · 24/02/2019 20:44

DON'T speak to your brother and try to get him to see he's made a mistake. They don't want kids. End of. Either go for a couple of nights or don't go at all. I have a 2 year old and those would be my choices.

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 24/02/2019 20:45

So even refusing is going to be heartbreaking.

Oh, c'mon, heartbreaking?

There's no reason to be rude or do approaches. 'It's a pity, but we won't be able to come.'

My ex's brother married this gal who was incredibly rich. They decided to have this destination wedding over a bank holiday weekend. We had just bought our first house and we were both busting ours arses working overtime. They wanted everyone to stay with them the whole time on this big, expensive resort. The flights alone were $3000 for the two of us. We just could not afford it, not even for him to go alone. It was too fucking expensive. His brother got all arsey. WTF were we supposed to do, magic more money out our arse? We'd bought the house before he announced the wedding.

In the end, he went on his own with his parents paying for him to stay with them. He ended up having to take 3 days unpaid leave and I had to stay home busting my arse to cover the shortfall working 80 hour weeks for 2 months with them getting arsey with me about it.

But what a selfish arse of a brother.

Heartbreaking? His brother was too rat-arsed to give a shit who was there after a few hours.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 24/02/2019 20:47

We have left our kids though (for a week while DH and I went on an adult only holiday). My amazing mum came and looked after the children as it was term time. The youngest was 2.5yrs and he was fine, if a little upset at points. He does however still ask me if DH and I are staying when granny comes up to visit!! I don't feel guilting though, mum and the kids have a much deeper relationship and DH and I really needed the holiday.