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AIBU?

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Original poster

Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

575 replies

Alicia870 · 24/02/2019 15:26

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 24/02/2019 16:50

How old are the nephews that are apparently fine with this? And who are they being left with?

I'd go back to him and explain you can leave a 2 yr old for 5 days. He's entitled to have a child-free wedding but it has consequences.

Am I the only person who booked my wedding so the rest of the family could attend even though it wasn't a date that was appealing to me and my DH? And had all nieces and nephews because we knew BILs and SILs would want them there?

AnnaMagnani · 24/02/2019 16:51

Ooops - can't leave a 5 yr old, obviously.

Confusedbeetle · 24/02/2019 16:52

Destination weddings are so selfish. Serves them right if people dont go

Larrythelamb84 · 24/02/2019 16:53

I am in a very similar position, although the wedding is in this country. My brother is having a child free wedding, the only children allowed are his two. I don't like near to my family, and haven't bonded with anyone locally who I would want to look after my children all day and night (plus, it's on a school day so someone would need to be responsible for taking them/picking them up), and my babysitting family options will all be at the wedding. So, I can't go. There's no way around it. I've tried talking to my brother but his view is surely someone could have my kids 🤷‍♀️

hoppityfrog3 · 24/02/2019 16:53

@Alicia870

Very selfish and thoughtless of your brother. I would definitely decline, and tell him why too. I hate child-free weddings, and IME, it's the most miserable, uptight people who have them! It's also very inconsiderate as there are going to be some people who want to come, but can't, as they can't get childcare for the duration. Them expecting you to dump the kid on the grandparents for FIVE DAYS is a joke.

Weirdly, I know a couple who are going to a wedding in Croatia in 3 months time, and THAT is child-free too. I wonder if it's the same one! Shock

The woman in the couple (a colleague of mine) said similar; that the bride and groom have invited siblings and cousins who have kids, (but not the kids,) and they have said they're not going! It seems there's more friends and work colleagues than family at the wedding.

35-ish people will be there, and about 25 of them are friends and colleagues. Only about 10 of the couples 40 joint family members are going, because they either can't afford it, or they have kids and can't go to the wedding! So the majority of the wedding guest list will be people they will probably have nothing to do with in 10 years time, and very little family. Seems a high price to pay, to have a destination wedding, that excludes children. Sad

SinkGirl · 24/02/2019 16:53

Agreed Barton - the people I know who had childfree weddings are usually the most insufferable PFB havers later on and who wouldn’t dream of leaving their young child for an hour, let alone days!

Coach, you’re lucky you have someone you’d be able to leave your child with for five days. We don’t, but even if we did, there’s no way on earth we’d travel to another country and leave our twins behind, not until they’re much older.

Purpleartichoke · 24/02/2019 16:53

We would not have left a toddler for that long. Dd would also have needed to travel with me because we were still breastfeeding so it would simply be impossible.

Mookatron · 24/02/2019 16:54

It's not melodrama. If my sister did this I would assume she didn't give a shit if I was at her wedding or not and didn't give a shit exactly how much of a pain in the arse she was making things for me. Which is of course fine, but I think it's justified to feel upset about it. 5 days is too long to leave a toddler in most cases but due the toddler's welfare and the massive fuck off favour you're asking of grandparents who are generally oldish with less energy than younger people. Just all round inconsiderate of your bro.

Quintella · 24/02/2019 16:56

Barton I'd say that on a venn diagram showing people who were opposed to any children at their wedding (to the extent that even breastfed babies weren't allowed) and people who get huffily outraged that their cherub isn't invited to a wedding, there'd be quite the overlap. They're the kind of people who think their current status is the best status that all should bow down to.

Quintella · 24/02/2019 16:57

Agreed Barton - the people I know who had childfree weddings are usually the most insufferable PFB havers later on and who wouldn’t dream of leaving their young child for an hour, let alone days!

Oh yes.

Yogagirl123 · 24/02/2019 16:57

I wouldn’t dream of leaving my 2 yr old at home. YANBU. Your DD is your brothers niece after all. Family and friends are so important to me I would never exclude anyone.

I always think it incredibly selfish not to want children at a wedding. They are a huge part of the family and should also be included in family celebrations.

Mummadeeze · 24/02/2019 16:57

I would fly out on the morning of the wedding and fly back the day after (ie stay for one night). I did this for my BIL’s 40th birthday party abroad and it was still really worth going.

SinkGirl · 24/02/2019 16:58

I’m always a little shocked that anyone has people who’ll look after their kids for them for so long as that’s just not a luxury we have - ours started nursery recently for 10 hours a week and that’s weird enough. Being in another country than my toddlers for nearly a week? Fuck no. Apart from anything else, I couldn’t do that to anyone I liked enough to trust them 😂

Springwalk · 24/02/2019 16:59

jings

Forget leaving a toddler behind for five full days, not many parents will be happy to do that even if they could find someone to care for them for that long.
Who would want to spend that much on someone else’s five day wedding??
I think it is too much to ask of any guest. The bridal couple haven’t given any thought to any of their guests. I imagine they will have a very low turnout.

LoniceraJaponica · 24/02/2019 17:02

It would be interesting to know how many people will actually give up 5 days of their annual leave to go to this wedding.

PatchworkElmer · 24/02/2019 17:03

Depends on your situation, doesn’t it. DS (also 2) wouldn’t cope if he was away from us for 5 nights- he had a day with his grandparents yesterday and has been very clingy today. He’s quite a timid child and would be very unsettled if we were away for that long.

I also wouldn’t be able to enjoy an event abroad if he was in the UK.

I do have friends who went on a 2 week holiday without their toddler though- it worked for them. Each to their own. Definitely wouldn’t work for my family though!

I think in your situation I’d fly out for 1/2 nights alone, leaving DS with DH.

MumUnderTheMoon · 24/02/2019 17:03

YANBU. I don't see a problem with having no kids at wedding or having destination weddings but realistically you can't do both. Tell him you will all come for the 5 days as a family but only you can attend the actual wedding (a compromise on both sides) or you can't come at all.

OrdinarySnowflake · 24/02/2019 17:03

I think having a word is the wrong approach.

I'd send him a message, "Hi DB, I've thought it though but unfortunately I'm unable to leave DD for more than a night at this stage and frankly we don't think parents in law would be prepared to have her for that long anyway. So I'm sadly going to decline the wedding invite. I hope you have a fabulous time."

Make it clear that not only are you not prepared to, it's a huge thing to ask someone else so won't get childcare for that long.

If he wants you there, he will come back with solutions (like you all go but DD doesn't come in the ceremony, staying outside with your DH). But if not, then you weren't a priority guest in the first place.

Trying to change his mind will only cause resentment. Just let him change his mind naturally when he sees you cant/won't fit in with his plan.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 24/02/2019 17:05

They're not at all unreasonable, but I wouldn't go as specified. I wouldn't leave a child that age for 5 days.

I would either:
A) not go at all
B) go for the day itself and the nights either side, flights allowing
C) go on a family holiday around it and leave dh with the kids while I went to the wedding for the one day.

grumiosmum · 24/02/2019 17:06

Take the kid with you to Croatia, and use a babysitter for the actual wedding bits.

RainbowWaffles · 24/02/2019 17:06

I think it is unreasonable to exclude close family children. I totally understand child free weddings but think exceptions should always be made for nieces and nephews. Your sister or brother’s children aren’t general children. I would imagine most guests would have a sufficient grasp of logic that you would understand the distinction.

But as it stands I would either go for a family holiday and just attend the wedding day alone leaving DC with DH. Alternatively I would just go on my own for two nights and leave DC with DH at home. If I felt comfortable, I would leave DC with PIL for two nights and go with DH to the wedding. I wouldn’t just not attend my brother’s wedding to prove a point, but I would make my feelings known very strongly.

oldowlgirl · 24/02/2019 17:06

Completely agree with @OrdinarySnowflake - trying to change his mind won't work at all, but clearly saying why you can't attend may make him think differently.

Jetstream · 24/02/2019 17:07

They can’t expect all guests to take 5 days off. Fly in the day before or two days before and fly out the day after.

Bitlost · 24/02/2019 17:07

agree with PFB comments!

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 24/02/2019 17:08

For those of you moaning about the five days maybe the couple have put on stuff so that people don’t have to spend more on food or drink or sightseeing.

I had a destination wedding on a Saturday and we organised a trip the next day so people that were flying home could see something of the place whilst being able to fly back in the evening. We also hosted the family guests on the Monday. No one had to attend either though.