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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

575 replies

Alicia870 · 24/02/2019 15:26

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

OP posts:
Glitterbug76 · 25/02/2019 18:00

I've been lots of child free wedding but never where immidate family children not attended, I and lots of friends have been hen parties for 3 days without children but never for 5 days with out either parent being their.

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 25/02/2019 18:14

But missing your brother's wedding would be a pretty hostile act.

Hostile? Oh, FFS, give over! What if they cannot afford any of it, what are they supposed to do, get into debt over someone else's poxy wedding because they wanted everyone to spunk up hundreds on their 'big day' and then some? Who the hell would leave their toddler with some random stranger in a foreign country, so a fig for 'find a reputable babysitter'.

It's utterly shitty to have one of these grand productions for a wedding abroad and expect everyone else to accommodate it with their money, annual leave time and leave their kids at home for days and days.

Charley50 · 25/02/2019 18:20

I totally agree aWish..
anyway OP, you haven't been back for ages, so what's the plan?

bubblegumunicorn · 25/02/2019 18:22

We had a child free wedding minus family children which was our nephew our newborn 2nd cousin we let them in we just didn’t want friends children ect it worked if he’s adamant he doesn’t want her there could you fly PIL out too? That way they can baby sit when you’re busy but you’re still close by then on the day of the wedding they could plan something fun with DD?

Figgygal · 25/02/2019 18:22

I wouldn't go withiut a child at that age for that amount of time however totally respect their choice

riceuten · 25/02/2019 18:23

Don't go, it's as simple as that.

eggsandwich · 25/02/2019 18:24

I remember when my brother got married he had a child free wedding, the funny thing was when he started to have children and my nephew decided on a child free wedding he was very vocal about how unfair it was that his children couldn’t attend and all the hassle of getting someone to look after them.

I may add that it was also pointed out to him quite loudly that he also insisted on a child free wedding and it was just as much hassle for everyone attending his wedding to get babysitters, he soon shut up.

blue25 · 25/02/2019 18:26

They want a child free wedding. You can't have a two year old at a child free wedding! Just don't go. They are probably half expecting you to stay at home.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/02/2019 18:30

tigerbear
I’m really surprised you were well enough to go. And brave. To have been expected to do this makes me wonder if you have an overbearing family / brother. Or was it all on the ex?

Elemjaybee83 · 25/02/2019 18:33

Would your partner’s parents fancy a holiday too? And then they are there to babysit on the wedding day. That way you can enjoy your brother’s wedding and everyone gets a lovely holiday?

Sparkerparker · 25/02/2019 18:33

Honestly it’s their prerogative BUT that’s too long to leave your little one.
So either just go for a day or 2
Or
Take he with you enjoy a family holiday and put your in-laws up for a few days and they can be in charge of your dd on the day.
Good luck

QueenOfIce · 25/02/2019 18:35

A wedding isn't about everyone, it's about two people committing themselves to each other. They choose how they want to celebrate that and they can be wonderful family occasions however it is still their day, it is a day focused on them and the commitment they have made to each other and a celebration of their marriage. It's not about those who have decided to join in the celebrations.

Only on mumsnet would it be declared a wedding is about 'everyone' 🙄

TriciaH87 · 25/02/2019 18:37

I would personally say that i do not feel comfortable being in another country without my child as if anything happens you cannot be there.

Canuckduck · 25/02/2019 18:37

If you don’t feel comfortable with the 5 days then just go for the weekend. As much as I agree with you I also don’t think it’s on to miss your brothers wedding completely.

Yabbers · 25/02/2019 18:38

could you fly PIL out too?

So an extra few hundred quid on flights and another few hundred on hotels? Just to go to CF brother’s wedding.

I’m not short of cash but I sure as hell wouldn’t pay for that.

Supermum29 · 25/02/2019 18:45

I’d also not be happy to use 5 days holiday and spend none of it with my kids at a daily event!!

I’d either got and do two nights, the one bed and one of or not go. If they asked why I’d be really honest about it to. That’s ridiculous!!

Supermum29 · 25/02/2019 18:46

*family not daily

NotStressedOut · 25/02/2019 18:49

I understand how you feel. Weddings always cause upset for someone. It’s their wedding and their choice who they invite. However I think you have 3 options.

  1. You and your husband go to the wedding for 2 days.
  2. Go on your own and let DH look after your DD.
  3. Decline the invitation. Whatever decision you make you will be the right decision for you.
Hazlenutpie · 25/02/2019 18:50

I think expecting people to go to a wedding abroad for five days is ridiculous, especially as they are expected to leave their children behind. The cost for a start would put many people off but expecting someone to look after their children for five days is beyond acceptable.

UAEMum · 25/02/2019 18:55

Where is the op?

Gone4Good · 25/02/2019 18:57

I wouldn't go because I love my children more than my sibling and I wouldn't be happy so far from them for so long.

The best times we had as a family were at family weddings. They were great get together's. No selfish cunty behavior back in the 50s and 60s. Now our get-togethers are for each others funerals.

MadMadaMim · 25/02/2019 18:58

I'm astounded by some of the replies on this thread.

This is NOT a family holiday.
This is NOT a family get together

This is 2 people's wedding and they can choose to celebrate how they wish. Yes - it's selfish. And they're allowed to be. It's THEIR WEDDING.

They can't make one rule for you and another for everyone else.

It's got nothing to do with them not being parents.
It's got nothing to do with them not understanding - they don't need to understand if everyone else's needs - it's THEIR WEDDING.

You've made in this far to personal. YOUR family holiday, YOUR time away from your child, YOUR feelings. YOUR child not being invited. He didn't NOT invite your child. IT'S A CHILD FREE WEDDING

And all the - I wouldn't leave my child for 5 days. My child wouldn't cope without me for 5 days. If this is true, you're failing as parents. Unless there are mitigating circumstances, children should be fine to be without parents and with people they know for this length of time

Im hoping you didn't confront him further about this. You've already spoken about it. You've made your thoughts clear. Putting him in the spot again would be selfish, inconsiderate and totally unnecessary.

It's his wedding. Stop making it about you and yours. Go. Don't go. Just leave him alone - he's got other things on his mind.

I'd be so hurt and upset if I was him. And then I'd be fuming.

Get a grip people

Gone4Good · 25/02/2019 18:58

Where is the op? Probably fucked off for a childless wedding.

Mummy301308 · 25/02/2019 19:06

Could you fly out with your DC but go to wedding day without her? That means unless leaving DH to look after her and not go though.
I would never have a wedding abroad and expect people to not bring their children.
Children make weddings. We had children at our wedding and one of them interrupted the speeches at the most perfect time making the whole from erupt with laughter. It's one of the highlights of that day actually.
Speak to DB about it and see if he'll compromise. I couldn't leave my 2 year old for 5 days.

Weetabixandshreddies · 25/02/2019 19:07

MadMadaMim
I don't think I've ever read such tripe!

If the OP has to take 5 days leave from work then that is her holiday isn't it?

And if you can't leave a 2 year old then you have failed as parents? Leave a 2 year old for 5 days? Possibly with people that they don't know that well depending on how much they know the grandparents? My child frequently had febrile convulsions - came without warning, always needed to go to hospital for further investigations. No way would I be hours away in another country leaving them with grandparents having to bear the responsibility. And what if grandparents don't want to look after a child for 5 days? Is that still a failing?

Since when has getting married been a green light to be so selfish?

Surely if you want to dictate exactly how your wedding looks then just go away to get married. Why have guests if you don't want to consider them in any way?