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AIBU?

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Original poster

Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

575 replies

Alicia870 · 24/02/2019 15:26

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 25/02/2019 13:54

"It's so odd that people honestly believe a wedding isn't about the bride and groom! Confused"

It is about the couple, but not just about the couple QueenOfIce Hmm

As the bride and groom they are also the hosts, and being a host means that you also have to consider your guests as well. Anyone who doesn't is self absorbed and full of their own self importance.

MariaNovella · 25/02/2019 13:56

I’ve been to weddings in far flung places (New York, remote Greek island, Mexico...) but only as a childless person. TBH it’s fun when you are young and child free but a PITA when you have DC.

SarahSissions · 25/02/2019 14:02

The problem is every parent there thinks that "theirs won't do much harm" but it stops it being a child-free wedding. For every friend who has left their kids behind there will be a grating feeling that 'actually kids were there'. Every parent has a reason why there one should be invited- but in my experience you can't only allow some and not have people getting pissed off

Quintella · 25/02/2019 14:05

I think exceptions should be made for the bride and groom's siblings' kids. But that's just me. They're actual family.

tigerbear · 25/02/2019 14:08

As others have said, if you do go, go the night before, fly back morning after, to minimise time away from your DD.

I attended my brother’s child free wedding 2 weeks after giving birth (Emergency c section). My now ex DH had to stay at my mum’s house with tiny 2 week old DD while I went to the wedding. It was shit, all of the family were incredulous that my baby hasn’t been allowed to go, I was seated at the back of the room for the reception with some random acquaintances of my brother, the bride didn’t speak to me, and I had to spend about half an hour expressing milk in a hotel room.

OP, if you have major qualms about this now, just don’t go. I do regret going- all that time, hassle, travel (it was 4 hours from us, on the train), worry - not worth it.
I had all the thoughts and guilt of ‘oh no, I’d miss my only brother’s wedding’, but tbh my brother and I exchanged maybe only a few words when I was there.

Quintella · 25/02/2019 14:10

Wow. That was shitty behaviour on their part, tigerbear.

Parky04 · 25/02/2019 14:10

Also not fair on the grandparents. 5 days is an awful long time to look after a 2 year old. I would decline.

OVienna · 25/02/2019 14:16

Five days is too long to ask someone else to babysit for your child, even if it's the child's grandparents/other family, and even if you were happy to do that, for a reason like this. Illness, something else unavoidable etc. Not five days of partying, even for a wedding. And it would cost an absolute fortune if you had to pay someone to do it. I am talking a grand, maybe more.

Overnight plus, for the sake of argument, two days is work aroundable for many people. Babysitter for the day of the wedding also - even abroad. You can tell your brother those those two things would be conventional and reasonable requests.

Don't use the family holiday as an excuse - just explain very factually that it's not practical for you.

OVienna · 25/02/2019 14:16

x-post with parky

BartonHollow · 25/02/2019 14:20

Her dear brother not only doesn't give a shit about his sister using up a years worth of favours from her in laws, it doesn't seem to have occurred to him that she'll have to or what she's meant to do if they justifiably refuse

Bugbabe1970 · 25/02/2019 14:24

Just go for 2 days. 5 days is far too long to leave your baby

tigerbear · 25/02/2019 14:33

@Quintella - yup, it was!
They’re now divorced 😀

blueskiesovertheforest · 25/02/2019 15:02

Is there any truth to the urban myth that the more you spend on your wedding the more likely you are statistically to divorce?

old American article I don't suppose there's much incentive to fund studies!

Quintella · 25/02/2019 15:07

That's such a shame for them, tiger Wink

tigerbear · 25/02/2019 15:36

SUCH a shame Quintella!
Tbh nobody was surprised in the slightest when they announced the divorce. She was bonkers!

AWishForWingsThatWork · 25/02/2019 16:57

I think you're nuts to go if your 2 year old is included. Your 'd'B and future wife want you to spend 5+ days (travel time, too) of your precious holiday time and lots of money (travelling, food, hotel, activities, drinks, babysitting) to watch him get married. That's ridiculous.

If you can parlay it into a family holiday, where the three of you go, that's one thing. But to spend that money flying/staying/eating/etc, so you can watch him say his vows in person, and he probably won't even say much to you while you're there, is insane.

Littlenic73 · 25/02/2019 17:35

Can they arrange childcare in Croatia so you can still take her with you? If not don't bother. It's a big ask to expect you to leave a small child for that long

paxillin · 25/02/2019 17:36

I wouldn't leave a child under 2 for five days to indulge a sibling.

Notasunnybunny · 25/02/2019 17:44

It's so odd that people honestly believe a wedding isn't about the bride and groom!

A wedding is not just about the bride and groom. You can get married without a’wedding’ . A wedding is a celebration including those close and important to the couple, so it’s about making all those people feel valued and considering their needs.

Bartonhollow’s post is spot on

SassitudeandSparkle · 25/02/2019 17:46

I wouldn't leave a 2 year old for five days either, don't blame you at all OP. He's lucky that you are considering going at all.

EllenMP · 25/02/2019 17:46

People can invite anyone they want to their wedding and if they don't want kids then that's their choice and it's to be respected. But you have to balance your old family and your new family in deciding whether or not to accept his invitation to you and your DH. DIfferent parents and different children have different tolerances for separation. I would not have agreed to leave my toddler for 5 days at that age, even with loving grandparents. My invisible umbilical cord was not that long.

But missing your brother's wedding would be a pretty hostile act. So I would say you have three choices: 1) Leave baby with GPs and go to the wedding, but cut it super short. Arrive day before wedding, go home day after. Two nights max. Or 2) Go without your baby and husband. It's much less upsetting to leave your baby knowing they have the other parent there. Or 3) Take the baby with you and stay in a nice hotel that can supply a reputable babysitter for the actual ceremony and reception. It's not ideal, but at least you won't be leaving your DC overnight. Or take a babysitter with you.

Tommo75 · 25/02/2019 17:49

I had a child free wedding 18 years ago and it's one of my regrets. I had visitors travel to attend and they had their children babysat by a friend of the family. Nobody questioned it. Years later I asked why didn't somebody tell me what a madam I was being. Children add magic to a wedding. I wish they'd all been on my photos.

skwish · 25/02/2019 17:51

Yanbu. DH and I had a mainly child free UK based wedding, only due to limited space. We did however make exceptions for immediate family including nephews and all children under 2 - they don’t need table places. It’s not unreasonable to make those kind of exceptions - most parents of older children are glad to have the excuse for a night away. We explained our reasons in our invites and everyone was fine with it, especially as it was only one night. 5 days away from a not yet 2 year old is in my view unconscionable.

Jimdandy · 25/02/2019 17:52

Can’t you all go and then leave her with DH on the day of the actual wedding? Or do you feel it’s all or nothing?

Sb74 · 25/02/2019 17:57

Never understand child-free weddings. Getting married is all about family. I think they’re being completely unreasonable. Let’s see how they’ll feel if that happens to them. I would no way leave my 2 year old behind. How selfish of them.