Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

[Alicia870]

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

It’s got fuck all to do with but MMYYYYYYYYYY BAAAAAAABIES must see you marry. They're FAAAAAAAAMILEEEEEE. I doubt anyone thinks that. More that they don’t want to leave their baby because of some hard and fast “no children allowed” rule which personally I think is a bit shit when your siblings have children but hey ho.

@GreatDuckCookery completely agree.

We had a “non-relatives-child-free” wedding back in the day but it was for one day; afternoon wedding and reception that went into the evening. The friends that had little children all came and didn’t bat an eyelid. Nieces, nephews and cousins all came because they’re family and the girls were bridesmaids. Personally I’d never exclude relatives’ children but it’s horses for courses, isn’t it.

The “being out there in each others’ pockets for 5 days to celebrate the pre-wedding” is ridiculous in this case and I wouldn’t entertain that.

OP Would pps v good suggestion that you all go for a holiday work? And that if your db doesn’t change his mind, you go on your own just for the wedding, leaving dd with dh for the day? If you’re all having a nice holiday it won’t be so annoying.

Yes, @GreatDuckCookery has explained it well.

@thecatsthecats - 5 days is a very long time for a 2 year old, who isn't even staying with family because they're at the ridiculous wedding. In most cases there aren't in-laws who are capable of looking after a 2 year old for that long (much too energetic for older grandparents) and know the child well enough that he/she won't be ridiculously upset, just quite upset, so where do you think the child is going to stay for 5 days - on their own? I'd just take it as the sibling not wanting me to come and act accordingly.

It’s got fuck all to do with but MMYYYYYYYYYY BAAAAAAABIES must see you marry. They're FAAAAAAAAMILEEEEEE. I doubt anyone thinks that. More that they don’t want to leave their baby because of some hard and fast “no children allowed” rule which personally I think is a bit shit when your siblings have children but hey ho.

Completely agree! Also agree that most kids don’t care about going to weddings- it’s purely about logistics for me. One of DH’s family did a “no kids” wedding. We declined politely as didn’t have anyone to look after our kids and didn’t want to leave them in any case.

Did any of you actually read the post I was replying to, where the groom's sister is in fact demanding exactly that?

And MRex - you didn't even make it to the second half of my post where I said the compromise I'd try for is just the OP goes for just two days...

FYI for my wedding we'd have loved to have it kid free, but with a large number of babies in the group, we arranged for a creche on site for over 6m olds (staffed by a paediatric nurse and nannies), babes in arms allowed in the ceremony. I also moved my wedding date to accomodate my sister's pregnancy.

YABU.
People getting married are entitled to invite who they want. It is THEIR wedding not yours
In context I wasn't invited to any of my brothers 3 weddings.

"How can you call yourself that.. after posting that?!"

I wouldn't go, but I wouldn't be particularly bothered by it. And if the family were offended by my not going I'd probably laugh and point out that it was entirely up to them what wedding they had, and entirely up to me whether I wanted to go along with it.

Let's be fair. It's perfectly reasonable that OP doesn't want to leave her nearly two year old. I wouldn't want to either! It's also fair that OP is disappointed.

What isn't fair though is saying it's rude or unreasonable of DB to want a childfree wedding. It's HIS wedding, he can do what he likes. What he can't do, is get upset that his sister declines the invitation.

It's not just a child-free wedding though.

It's a child-free holiday.

Totally different to having a child-free wedding in your own country. (I had one myself).

Oh right you are going, then it is on your terms, as long as you are there for the wedding day, it is none of his business, your brother cannot have it all his own way. He is sounding like a groomzilla.

@overtheirishsea
How can you call yourself that.. after posting that?

Because it’s my wedding. It’s my day. Myself and their uncle are working around the clock to pay for it, and it simply isn’t an occasion that is appropriate for small children. They are not my children, I don’t want to have to deal with children on the most expensive and special day of my life.

It in no way affects me being a good aunt, they’re still loved, and were spoiled beyond comprehension. When I don’t get an invite to a child’s birthday at a soft play center, I don’t wonder if the child doesn’t love me. It just isn’t appropriate for me.

I'd been reading Fabaunt as Fabulant and consequently reading the "how can you call yourself that?" comments totally differently until the last post caused my eyes to flick back to the username and see that she was defining herself as an Aunt not a teller of tall tales

"Because it’s my wedding. It’s my day. Myself and their uncle are working around the clock to pay for it, and it simply isn’t an occasion that is appropriate for small children. They are not my children, I don’t want to have to deal with children on the most expensive and special day of my life."

This ^^ just screams out" me, me, me" to me.
When OH and I got married it was our special day - in our case "our" included all members of the family regardless of their age. We got married because of our commitment to each other, not because we wanted to put on a show.

We had a nearly 2 year old at our wedding (my niece). As far as I remember she was quiet and well behaved. Although I knew that if she was disruptive SIL would have done something about it anyway.

These threads always make me laugh, people tying themselves in knots to enable these selfish twats, suggestions that costs loads ('trusted local babysitters', taking along inlaws, I'm surprised no one's mentioned nannies yet), the posters who have absolute cunts for parents who have big ol' weddings that exclude their own grandkids (WTAF? You're a billion years old, fuck off the Registry House), people who must have endless annual leave.

These multi-day destination weddings with all sorts of demands that people stay on and/or stay in a particular venue are nothing but entitled wank and an extension of 'Me, me, me!' like multi-day hen and stag do's and the like.

Telling people you want them there three days prior to the wedding and present for events post wedding is a bit groomzilla. Wedding bores are a total snooze.

This.

Just say NO. 'Thanks for inviting us, but we must decline. Have fun.'

It's not a rule that because you have children in your family that you have to embrace or like them. It might just be that they want their day to be about them without distraction. How selfish of them, they who are paying for people to enjoy lovely food and entertainment and be part of their special day.

People are so precious about others weddings and feel the need to comment and critique their choices. It's their wedding, it's about them it not about everyone else. It's so odd that people honestly believe a wedding isn't about the bride and groom!

It's not a rule that because you have children in your family that you have to embrace or like them.

This. Comments like 'it's his only niece'... well, I'm guessing said uncle didn't dream of the day he'd be an uncle, to a niece. I'm a happy aunt, and my brother is happily an ununcle. I only took issue with it when he was openly rude to my sister about it when he could have made a polite excuse.

"It's so odd that people honestly believe a wedding isn't about the bride and groom!"

If you have guests it is no longer only about the bride and groom. Unless what you actually want is accessories rather than guests.

@fabaunt we got married 2 years ago. Child free wedding. My own children were little and were looked after at the venue by a nanny. It meant all family could relax and fully enjoy themselves. I totally understand why people want child free weddings. Ours was child free except for our own and nobody minded, they realised it’s stressful to get children to sit through an adult day and no one really enjoys it. We wanted an adult day. I think that’s fair.
If OP’s brother wants a child free day then that is fair, but he’s asking for a child free holiday which is unreasonable for sure

But at the same time I am really hrt that he's excluding a close family member. She is his only niece and in my opinion it's really disrespectful to say she is not invited.

I think this is the problem, tbh.

You’re hurt. But the bride has nephews too so it’s not like it’s just your dd.

Here’s the thing; he’s NBU to have the wedding he wants. YANBU to not want to leave your dd for that long.

He and bride see it as their wedding and that’s it.

You saw it as a chance for a big family holiday.

Expectations don’t match.

As a PP said, you could take dd, have a week’s holiday, and have dh wait with her while you attend the wedding.

I’m not sure how that would work though if you expect your family to be focused on “family holiday time” and they expect to be focused on “our wedding time”.

No wedding I've attended has not considered the needs of its guests

This includes single women wanting a plus one

Inviting friends of parents you haven't seen since childhood as a courtesy to your parents

Attendant children

The needs of your Great/ Granny with dementia who's 92 but you still want her there for part of it

The challenges faced by any disabled friend or family member

Making sure people who know nobody else are introduced to people at some point before or during the day

It's a party, which you are hosting so that you can celebrate with people you love not have them prostrate themselves before you at your superiority and beneficence

"It's a party, which you are hosting so that you can celebrate with people you love not have them prostrate themselves before you at your superiority and beneficence"

Spot on BartonHollow.

It's so odd that people honestly believe a wedding isn't about the bride and groom!

Of course a wedding is about the guests, just as much as it is about the bride and groom. The bride and groom do not own their guests’ time and money, to do with them exactly what they please.

If it was UK I’d usually say their wedding, they decide. But for 5 days in Europe, I wouldn’t go, couldn’t have left mine for that long at 2, when I couldn’t necessarily get back very quickly in an emergency.