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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

575 replies

Alicia870 · 24/02/2019 15:26

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

OP posts:

derxa · 24/02/2019 22:11

I despair. Please go to your brother's wedding.

Original poster

Alicia870 · 24/02/2019 22:12

I am going

OP posts:

Charley50 · 24/02/2019 22:12

You brother and his fiancé are being completely stupid anyway. Do they really think that a two year old attending their wedding will make any sort of negative impact on it. Totally agree with the pp who said if they expect you to travel and spend loads of time and money, they can't stipulate whether or not you bring your tiny child with you. I'd probably just disown my brother .

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 24/02/2019 22:14

I am going

What’s the plan now?

BearFoxBear · 24/02/2019 22:15

I'm not going to my BIL's wedding because its child free (BIL has no other neices or nephews) and in bloody Mexico. I'm not leaving my 5 year old for over a week, DH will be going alone.

We had a child free wedding, so that's not an issue imo, but if it's a destination wedding the bride and groom have to expect that people won't go.

Absolutelylocaltoyou · 24/02/2019 22:16

I despair. Please go to your brother's wedding

Have you actually read the difficulties facing the OP?

DPotter · 24/02/2019 22:18

That's not a child-free wedding, but a child free holiday which is not the same thing. I quite understand couples not wanting children at their wedding, but that changes with a 'destination' wedding, which spans several days - that'a a holiday and they are really pushing their luck asking people to leave their kids at home for a 5 day holiday.
wish him well and stay home with your lovely 2 yr old

Charley50 · 24/02/2019 22:19

I hope they're happy that they're dividing your family so you can watch them join as a couple.

Notasunnybunny · 24/02/2019 22:19

I completely understand why you feel hurt op.
I think the idea of you going alone is a good one, keeping the trip as short as possible. Croatia sounds wonderful but without your family you won’t enjoy it as much and that is the consequence of db’s decision. It could have been a lovely family trip, it’s a great shame they are not prioritising the enjoyment of their guests. I find that mentality odd when planning a wedding. Don’t couples want people to look back and think what a wonderful time they had? Rather than remember what was awful about it? Couples who plough ahead and plan ‘their day’ but scrimp on food in order to afford the expensive dress, or create difficult childcare situations, or expect bridesmaids to buy their own expensive dresses that are outside of their means are so short sighted. Once the day is over there will only be the memories and if the guests memories are bad ones the whole thing has been an epic failure.

I would happily leave my dc alone at that age but that was my choice and it shouldn’t be expected. I was lucky enough to have wonderful dp’s who my dc were happy to stay with and who could cope. Not everyone has the energy to look after a 2 year old for extended periods and I think it’s presumptuous of your db to expect your in laws to take this on.

cushioncuddle · 24/02/2019 22:32

You all go for a holiday but only you attend the wedding.
He is a bit clueless on what he's asking of you.

jacks11 · 24/02/2019 22:41

I am not a huge fan of "destination weddings", but each to their own. I think it's up to the couple to decide who is invited to their wedding.The couple do, though, have to accept (with good grace) that if you decide on a child-free wedding the consequence of that is that some parents may choose not to attend/be unable to attend. I don't think it is on "to have a word" or "to tell them to change"- it isn't about what you want, what you think they should want or whether you think your child would cause issues at the wedding or not.

That is not to say you should go. I don't think you have to- your DB must be prepared that you may not be able, or wish, to attend his wedding given his stipulation that it must be child-free.

Personally, I would not want to leave a 2 year old with their grandparents for 5 days to go to a wedding abroad. It may be possible for you to go for a few days, leaving DD at home with your DH or for you all to go out, but your DH look after her for the wedding only. Or you can all decline and wish them all the best for their wedding day.

ss2011 · 24/02/2019 22:43

I think he is being really unreasonable asking this of you. At our wedding (not abroad, so only a day trip or one night away for all our guests) we had close- family children only (i.e my nieces and my husbands nephews) and any little ones (mainly babies) that people did not feel comfortable leaving.....My nieces were 3 and 18months at the time and I would never have either wanted to get married without them there or expected my sister in law and brother up leave them, even for one night! They could easily have done the same as us and just had their sibling’s kids and they are putting you in such a fair situation. I would say go by yourself for a short time or stay at home and don’t feel guilty. Or rebel and say you are bringing your daughter for the holiday but that she won’t be at the ceremony....

ss2011 · 24/02/2019 22:44

I mean UNfair situation (obviously....)

ivykaty44 · 24/02/2019 22:45

I’d book a weeks holiday nearby for the three of you, not the same resort. Then on the day leave dh with dd and go to your brothers wedding - afterwards return to your hotel & enjoy the rest of your holiday!

Mmmhmmm · 24/02/2019 22:51

No way would I go, that's waaaaay too long to be away from a 2 year old.

Redshoeblueshoe · 24/02/2019 22:53

Charley50 you have hit the nail on the head

Bluesmartiesarebest · 24/02/2019 22:54

Tell him sorry you can’t make it but you’ll go to his next wedding

NataliaOsipova · 24/02/2019 22:57

This isn’t a bad idea if you’ve decided you want to be there. Presumably you can do some things with your wider family as well while you’re over there, which may do something to take some of the sting out of the situation.

strawberriesandsugar · 24/02/2019 22:59

Just bring her on holiday and say you'll find a nanny for the day

Pippa12 · 24/02/2019 23:06

As somebody who had a destination wedding (no regrets, no guilt, loved it and would not change a single thing, never understood mumsnet’s hatred to all those that even consider it!) YANBU!!! His request is unfair and impractical. I’d be tempted not to go on principle, but understand your situation.

Notasunnybunny · 24/02/2019 23:07

Ivykaty44 makes a great suggestion. Your db doesn’t own Croatia, you may holiday somewhere nearby if you so wish without his permission.

Designerenvy · 24/02/2019 23:13

YANBU, your brother is !
If I were you I'd consider 2 options

Fly out the day before the wedding and fly back the day after , he can't dictate how long you stay , leave dp at home with 2 year old.
Don't go.

Darkbendis · 24/02/2019 23:32

I think your plan is the best atm, OP. To go to Croatia for a couple of nights only and then come back. In this way, you are there for when your DB gets married, you are there for the wedding itself, but you are not away from your child for too long.

SinkGirl · 24/02/2019 23:42

Let’s say the Op brother had his wedding in the UK but the other side of the country, say a five hour drive.
Same child free thing, same events arranged for the weekend.
Is that somehow different to the five hours travelling to a destination wedding? Is it just the cost?

Of course it’s different - if you’re a five hour drive away and something happens, you can be home in five hours.

I once tried to get home urgently from a cruise which was stopping in a different place every day. Soonest I could get home easily was almost three days later, and that would have involved some awkward travel.

Weetabixandshreddies · 24/02/2019 23:46

Have you looked at how practical it is to go just for 2 days? Does that work with flights, transfers etc?

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