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Original poster

Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

575 replies

Alicia870 · 24/02/2019 15:26

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

OP posts:
Quintella · 24/02/2019 21:25

All you need to do is let him know - it doesn't need a bloody discussion where you try to guilt trip and emotionally blackmail him into facilitating your assumptions and expectations!

Calm down, love. If she wants to talk to her brother she can talk to her brother. The way some people carry on you'd swear a sibling relationship was as formal as the one you have with your GP.

Dutchesss · 24/02/2019 21:26

I wouldn't go.
I get childfree weddings but cant understand why people would want to exclude their own family. It's a wedding not a stag do.

Springwalk · 24/02/2019 21:29

Are you the sister in law to be by any chance?? You seem very animated.
The last time I checked a five day trip to another country is generally considered a ‘holiday’ to most people, and given the guests will have to fork out a huge amount to enjoy the privilege of seeing these CFs get married, it is likely to be their ONLY holiday as well. The clue is in your name I feel.
cantstopmenow

Yabbers · 24/02/2019 21:31

Nope. Wouldn’t be going and would make sure everyone knew why. I know my sister would come out in solidarity too and her boy is grown. My Ex SIL booked her wedding for late July during the only few weeks my sister couldn’t travel due to her being 8 months pregnant. SIL’s comment was “well, i’m not having a screaming baby at my wedding and I want a summer wedding somshe wouldn’t be able to come anyway” She felt my sister was being unreasonable because her friend was 8 months pregnant and she was making the effort. The friend lived an hour away and my sister lived at the other end of the country. 🙄

Child free weddings are all very well if they are nearby and single day events but to impose that rule when you expect everyone to haul themselves overseas for “events before the day” is just ridiculous. Sure it’s their day and their choice, but since when did that give people the right to completely disregard close family? He and his BTB are putting one day before his entire relationship with his sister. If he’s willing to do that he’s a prick.

BartonHollow · 24/02/2019 21:31

Does anyone remember a thread bloody ages ago now, where a poster had told her brother she wouldn't come to his wedding without her kids because no child care and so then the brides sister who also had children had taken her part so the bride and groom corralled all the family children into a separate room they had to stay in with limited food and drink?

Both the fathers had been expected to stay with the children as they weren't the siblings of the bride and groom and the BIL went beserk at the OP and blamed her for the fact he had to "babysit" (his own DC) and couldn't access the bar

Absolute bonkersness

Mookatron · 24/02/2019 21:33

I don't think a sister wanting it to be possible for her to attend her brother's wedding is making him 'facilitate her assumptions and expectations'.

This whole attitude of 'bride and groom are not to be questioned on their choices' is a load of shite made up by the wedding industry so the couple feel able to make ridiculous financial demands on people they're supposed to be fond of. Meanwhile back in the real world people actually want to have relationships with their family after the Special Day.

bellie710 · 24/02/2019 21:34

SPRINGWALK have you read the thread, i think the fact that she said her brother is getting married and DH's parents could look after the child give the game away??

llangennith · 24/02/2019 21:35

If you want to go, don't mind using 5 days of your annual leave, and have someone who'll take good care of your DD then go. If not, don't go.
It's up to your brother whether he wants a child free wedding or not.

Yabbers · 24/02/2019 21:36

I have actually made my own thread on this as my sister in law initially told me I could fuck off, that her children were coming to my wedding. I’ve recently had to stand up for myself and say no, I don’t want any child at my wedding.
Interesting user name @fabaunt. I hope it’s ironic.

grincheux · 24/02/2019 21:37

Unfortunately I think by insisting you're out there for several days and also stipulating they don't want your child there, they've kind of assumed you won't be going. If you dont want to leave DC and won't be going, don't send a shitty response, they've made their minds up. Just gracefully decline and say it's because you won't be able to get childcare for the week.

Aragog · 24/02/2019 21:38

On a side note I’m surprised so many people wouldn’t leave their children. Like actually horrified at the thought of an adult event or trip without them.

Not everyone wants child free holidays.
Not everyone wants to go abroad without their child.
Not everyone wants to spend Annual Leave to go on a holiday without a key part of their family.

Fine if some do. However, it isn't wrong to not want to either.

BartonHollow · 24/02/2019 21:38

If that is the poster I think it is they suffered traumatic child loss so it's understandable

OoohSmooch · 24/02/2019 21:39

Just on the leaving your toddler part....we just left our almost 2 year old with grandparents while we went to a wedding abroad (the states!). We didn't have her for 5 nights. Toddler had the time of her life, was totally spoiled. I did miss her but wow....living child free for a bit... Woohoooo!!

(she was actually invited but I didn't want a toddler on a 10 hour flight #BadParentAward)

MummytoVplus1 · 24/02/2019 21:40

Would your OHs parents be willing to go out there with you and almost make it into a holiday. They could have your little one on the day of the wedding.

ineedaholidaynow · 24/02/2019 21:40

bellie Springwalk is referring to another poster who seems to have got quite animated!

LoniceraJaponica · 24/02/2019 21:44

OoohSmooch that's because you had someone you could trsut to look after your toddler for several days. Most of us don't have that luxury.

grincheux · 24/02/2019 21:45

Meanwhile back in the real world people actually want to have relationships with their family after the Special Day.

@Mookatron that's not always the case. We're getting married this year and don't want children there because we want to enjoy the day with our friends who actually understand what's going on (their parents), and also because we remember how bloody boring weddings were to get dragged along to as kids. We also have an unusually large proportion of kids with special needs in our life who would just hate the whole event, and it's not fair to exclude them and include others.

Yabbers · 24/02/2019 21:46

It's an INVITATION - not a summons!
It’s her BROTHER’S wedding, not a party down the local boozer. Do you have siblings? Or any family at all?

IggyPoppers · 24/02/2019 21:51

I'd go on my own and leave DH at home with DD. I'd fly in morning of the wedding if possible and out the next day. I wouldn't make a drama out of it. Just tell him you aren't comfortable leaving DD for so long so this is the way it will work.

Original poster
Alicia870 · 24/02/2019 21:52

Wowee so many responses and ideas. It has given me a lot of food for thought. I know a lot of people are suing don't go at all. But I do want to go- he is my brother and while I'm upset at this, I'm not going to miss his wedding over it. at the minute my thoughts are to go for two nights and dh may stay at home with dd. But as someone else mentioned here before, I'm by sure of that would cause sour grapes between him and my brother. While someone called me patronising for saying that child free people just don't get it, I completely disagree with that. They don't get it. I don't think they really have any grasp of how much hassle this is and how it's not just as easy to drop your toddler with in laws for more than a day or two. I don't think he's necessarily being an asshole I just think he really doesn't understand the reality of it and that's why I wonder if speaking to him could help.
But at the same time I am really hrt that he's excluding a close family member. She is his only niece and in my opinion it's really disrespectful to say she is not invited.

OP posts:
Mookatron · 24/02/2019 21:52

grincheux fine. As you wish. I'm guessing you're not somebody who would take Royal Umbrage at people not being able to come though.

Italiangreyhound · 24/02/2019 21:53

Wish them well but say you cannot go and why.

Their choice to have a wedding abroad and not invite kids, your choice not to go.

Happyandglorious · 24/02/2019 21:57

I agree with iggypoppers.
No point getting into it with brother of sil to be. As patronising as it sounds, they just don't know how stressful and awkward their plans are bc they dont have kids.
Good luck op doesn't sound like it will be the fun family celebration it should have been for you.

peachgreen · 24/02/2019 21:57

I wouldn't go. They're not unreasonable to want a childfree destination wedding but they would be unreasonable to genuinely expect you to be there.

Margot33 · 24/02/2019 22:07

I wouldn't leave a young child for five days. I'd decline the invite. When my brother asked if I could attend his wedding (which never happened in the end) in Italy for seven days, leaving behind a new born baby (around its due date) and a five year old...he was suprised when I said no! It's up to people who they want to invite and exclude but they have to accept that many won't/can't go without their children.