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Original poster

Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

575 replies

Alicia870 · 24/02/2019 15:26

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

OP posts:
HaveNoSocks · 24/02/2019 20:48

On a side note I’m surprised so many people wouldn’t leave their children. Like actually horrified at the thought of an adult event or trip without them.
What ever?!

Really? It can't take that much imagination to see how this would be difficult for people surely? Unless you have a very easy going toddler or a very close relationship with your in laws it's going to be massively difficult to leave a toddler for five days. It's also a huge ask for the in laws. My eldest when he was two would still wake up multiple times in the night and wasn't at all used to being left (we didn't have family we could easily leave him with) he would have been extremely anxious being left for so long.

Also almost all families have at least one full time worker if not two. That person doesn't get to see much of their kid during the week and might actually look forward to spending their holiday leave on time together as a family.

BartonHollow · 24/02/2019 20:48

It isn't that they wouldn't leave them to go to an adults only event - that's so normal that it doesn't even warrant a thread

It's being asked to go to a foreign country for 5 days, pay for that, use annual leave, and not be allowed to choose to take your child regardless of the fact that who can afford 24/7 professional childcare for a week, all your own side that would provide childcare are abroad with you so your brother is basically forcing you to dump your child on your husbands family as if this isn't a huge favour to ask and one which he has no intention of compensating you or them for

But it's HIS day and his WIFES day so why shouldn't people he barely knows look after his toddler niece because he A GROWN MAN doesn't want her at his SPECIAL DAY

Christ.

LoniceraJaponica · 24/02/2019 20:50

“On a side note I’m surprised so many people wouldn’t leave their children. Like actually horrified at the thought of an adult event or trip without them.
What ever?!”

On a side note I am a little surprised that some people find this horrifying. You must either have extremely good and trustworthy childcare to be able to confidently leave your two year old for 5 days, or you are a little cold hearted. And it seems that most repondents on here are neither.

SparkyBlue · 24/02/2019 20:53

I wouldn't go. I have zero issues with child free weddings but a destination wedding is completely different. No way would I use annual leave and my holiday budget up for a trip without my DC.

BottleOfJameson · 24/02/2019 20:53

Whether you should talk to your bro depends on your relationship with him - how close are you?

It also depends whether he's clueless or selfish. Either he didn't realise what a ball ache it would be for parents to leave a two year old for so long to go to his wedding. If he just didn't realise the practical difficulties but does want you there it might be worth gently discussing it with him.

The other option is he's just a bit of a dick and the most important thing is the nice photos and posh wedding and he doesn't care whether it's difficult for you and won't care if you're not able to come. Obviously it would be a shame if this is how he feels about his family but in this situation I wouldn't bother trying to persuade him as he'l just resent the intrusion of his niece on his posh wedding.

notacooldad · 24/02/2019 20:55

if my child had a good relationship with the grandparents I would definitely go with DP. I would FaceTime each day if it didn't distress her. If she hasn't been away before I would let her have a few over nights at nans and build up and do a weekend to get ready for the holiday.

I went away for 5 full days plus half a day either side when DS was 2 to do my ML Training. DP was self employed at the time so the kids went to the grand parents who live 150 miles away.
No apparent harm was done as he loved his holiday and him and his brother went every year after that until they were 12 to help with school holidays.

CripsSandwiches · 24/02/2019 20:56

I've never understood the narcissism of people like this. Either the venue is more important than your actual close family being there which (unless you don't get on with family) is massively vain or you do expect your family to be there but don't give a toss how much time and effort and inconvenience it will cost them.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 24/02/2019 20:58

Let’s say the Op brother had his wedding in the UK but the other side of the country, say a five hour drive.
Same child free thing, same events arranged for the weekend.
Is that somehow different to the five hours travelling to a destination wedding? Is it just the cost?
At least with the destination one you can blame flight prices etc if you don’t want to leave your child.

And Ops brother has already said that bride has nephews so either close family are invited or they aren’t. Because if they all come it’s not a child free wedding is it.

whitehousemum · 24/02/2019 20:58

I live in Northern Ireland, sometimes I have to go away for work in England. My daughter is 14 months, the longest I have been away is two nights, and I hated it. I hated knowing that if anything happened I couldn't just drive home but would have to get a flight or a boat. No way would I be getting on a plane to a totally different country several hours away from my daughter, especially not for five days. I'm still breastfeeding, though, so five days would not be doable.

Spotsandstars · 24/02/2019 20:59

Their wedding they can do what they like. But, I wouldn't be going, not even for two nights. It's more stress then it's worth, you will still be feeling a bit resentful at the situation he put you in. Give a nice present and put your leave and the rest of the money towards a lovely holiday that includes your child.

BartonHollow · 24/02/2019 21:00

@SheWoreBlueVelvet

It isn't 5 hours

The brother is insisting the OP goes for 5 DAYS

AJPTaylor · 24/02/2019 21:00

My db is getting married in the US. As a childless man in his 50s he is unable to comprehend that we will not take our youngest out of school for the last 8 days of year 6.

Boysnme · 24/02/2019 21:04

Taking either of my kids abroad for a wedding at 2 years old would have filled me with dread.

I’d have happily left them with in-laws although would have begrudged using annual leave for this long for something other than a family holiday.

In this situation DH & I would have gone for 2 nights max and left kids with in-laws.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 24/02/2019 21:09

As I said if it were at home I wouldn't have a problem with it, but to use my annual leave and holiday budget for the year to exclude my child is just not going to happen.

I wouldn't even go for 3 days, OP, which is your fallback? Yikes.

I'd just be straightforward. Your annual holiday leave and budget isn't going to be spent on someone else's destination wedding when you can't take your entire family, your daughter. End of. Tell him you love him and look forward to welcoming his new wife to the family, but you won't be attending the wedding. It's not a reasonable ask.

Stand firm and stand up for yourself.

DrWhy · 24/02/2019 21:12

I’d leave the toddler with DH and go on my own for a couple of days if I really wanted to go, otherwise say no. There’s not a hope I would leave my 2.5 year old with either my mum or my PIL for 5 days. I was away from DS 5 days last year when I was on a work trip and got stuck in snowmaggedon and couldn’t get home and it was awful even knowing they were perfectly fine together. DS loves his grandparents dearly but they’d be utterly exhausted, he’s non-stop and doesn’t sleep through, and he’d miss us.
This is coming from someone who had their wedding where they were currently living, several thousand miles from where they grew up and families on both sides were. We not only invited children but provided a crèche setup to facilitate naps and try to ensure childcare wasn’t a problem for anyone.

bellie710 · 24/02/2019 21:13

We have 2 weddings this year, one destination one family. Family wedding there are no kids invited except for immediate family kids. Destination wedding everyone is invited, it is not realistic to expect people to leave their kids for 3-4 days and although my kids are older I don't think I would have spent all that money to be away from my kids for 1 week! Your brother is being a twat no kids weddings in my opinion do not apply to immediate family.

Drum2018 · 24/02/2019 21:14

It's not a summons, you don't have to go. They have their decision re kids made and it's not up to anyone to question that, however you might feel about it. However if you do go and have someone to mind dd, then go for a couple of nights. I certainly wouldn't be pandering to their demands that you need to go for all these other ad on events though. As for leaving your dd, as long as you trust the inlaws minding her then I wouldn't let that put me off. She will be fine for 2 nights/days. If you really can't bare to leave her then just decline the invite.

Littlecaf · 24/02/2019 21:14

One night or even two ok this country with out my kids I could live with. 5 nights away, no. Sorry. Too much.

DrWhy · 24/02/2019 21:14

Thinking about it. Is there the option that you all go to Croatia together, have a holiday and the day of the wedding itself you go and DH looks after DC? Your toddler either comes to the activities on the days aside from the actual wedding or you don’t attend them.
Apologies if this has already been suggested, I haventnploughed through the whole 11 pages!

Aquilla · 24/02/2019 21:15

I wouldn't bother trying to talk him round either, OP. People without kids often just don't get it.

CantStopMeNow · 24/02/2019 21:19

The rest of my family are also very upset about it as we were all assuming she was going and looking forward to a nice family holiday
It's his wedding - not a bloody family holiday!
Why don't you and your parents book your own family holiday around the wedding instead of expecting him to facilitate it?

think I might have a chat with him as I really think it's a case of a child free couple not fully understanding what they are asking of people
I hope he tells you exactly where to stick your patronising attitude!

but to use my annual leave and holiday budget for the year to exclude my child is just not going to happen
It's an INVITATION - not a summons!
If you feel you have good reasons for not going - that's fine.
All you need to do is let him know - it doesn't need a bloody discussion where you try to guilt trip and emotionally blackmail him into facilitating your assumptions and expectations!

I think sometimes when people arrange destination weddings it's done deliberately to discourage cheekyfuckers!

Notasunnybunny · 24/02/2019 21:22

This is really poor form. If I were planning a destination wedding, and expecting my guests to haul themselves across the globe at their expense I wouldn’t dare dictate that they shouldn’t bring their child. If I wanted a child free wedding I would arrange a nanny service at my expense for the duration of the wedding. To expect guests to leave young children at home for 5 days for the sake of a wedding which is over in a matter of hours is ludicrously self absorbed.

Quintella · 24/02/2019 21:22

Someone's fond of their exclamation marks.

macaroniandpizza · 24/02/2019 21:23

It would be a no from me. An overnight in the uk would be okay with my ds as he has had nights away from me but 5 days is too much

MirandaGoshawk · 24/02/2019 21:24

Could you get together with the other guests who have children and take it in turns during the day to look after all of them? Just a thought.