To be really pissed off at MIL's lack of support

[Butttons]

MIL has been staying with us for half term to help out with the DCs. She's been wonderful and they've adored her being here. DH is setting up his own company and MIL has been very much against this since the start. DH viewed some potential new premises this week and has been interviewing some potential new starters. Things seem like they're falling into place and he's really excited. My parents are planning on investing (they are mortgage free, have investment properties and work as part-time consultants in their respective lines of work). DH has spoken to PIL about investing (mortgage free, investment properties and money in the bank from sale of business) but they are non-committal.

MIL has been sitting here in a strop all afternoon since DH got back from an informal chat with an ex-employee who'd like to work for him. Having this person on board would make DH's new company almost twice as productive in the first year. The reason DH had a meeting today is because this person has just been promoted and they needed to discuss finances and dates. The only thing MIL has said is "well you're going to need more than £xxk then aren't you". When DH was talking about the potential new premises she just said "it doesn't sound like its going to work out with that one" simply because DH hasn't had a reply from the landlord from an email he sent yesterday.

I am not bothered about PIL investing on DH's company, yes it will make it more difficult financially, and we'll have to borrow more from investors and the bank, but there's so much negativity about him starting his own business (balanced with the argument "you've been at your current place long enough" ) that it's really getting me down.

She keeps saying how she's worried we'll lose the house and we and the DC will be homeless (obviously we've done our sums and budgeted things out. We're not stupid) but she doesn't actually want to help out at all to try and stop this scenario from happening. I really don't care about her money, I'm confident we can get enough backing from investors but her attitude is really pissing me off. She's been so lovely all week. The minute DH starts talking about his new business venture she just starts sulking. I cooked dinner, called them both from the living room in to the kitchen to sit down. DH and I were at the kitchen table for 5 mins waiting and she didn't join us until he went in to the living room to ask her if she wanted to eat (despite seeing me dishing up right after I'd asked them to sit down for dinner) . Then she came in and if was all one word answers during dinner and all night. She's just gone up to bed and I can hear her stomping around and slamming the toilet seat (wtf is that about?!). I hope she doesn't wake the DC.

I really want to ask DH to categorically tell her he doesn't want her to invest but I'm worried about his reaction. He's really stressed at the moment with his business plan etc. Its pushing our relationship and my relationship with MIL was a bit rocky until about a year/18m ago and he doesn't take any perceived "criticism" of MIL very well. I'm just so bloody pissed off that she can't provide even a little bit of moral encouragement. It all seems to he about money to her. She's not ungenerous. She always splashes out on us and the DC but I think she feels like she has to invest as my parents are. My parents have told us (and her) that they consider the investment almost like giving us our inheritance early and I think MIL feels inadequate (she previously told me she felt inadequate as my mum knitted the DC some jumpers when they were babies and she can't knit so can't do the same ).

Sorry for long post. AIBU to feel this way and should i say something to DH or even MIL?

So it’s invest or no contact. Wow.

I wonder whether she feels you and your DH are still hinting for her to give you money (which is essentially what your parents have done) every time he starts mentioning hiring people, renting premises etc?

She may be risk averse, as a PP has said, or she may have reservations based on her knowledge of her DS's personality or work track record, or she may just feel this isn't a great time to be starting a new business when so many fail at the best of times.

Either way, you shouldn't expect her to be enthusiastic or give you money, but if she really is sulking perhaps don't have her to stay until things are up and running successfully and it is no longer an issue.

It sounds like the business is risky and you're all getting very carried away. You are expecting not only to make profits in the first year but double them? With one person alone. Well he sounds expensive!

She's worried and you are expecting her to invest in this risky business.

Your mum is making remarks to her about inheritance to add even more pressure

YABU

OP she isnt jealous she is clearly struggling with the fact that she isnt sure that her son's business plan is going to work but doesnt want to tell him. You say you have done the sums but have you really? Or maybe (and it is clear you dont know) the poor woman doesnt have the money and is feeling inadequate at the fact that your parents have told her??? that they can afford to give you inheritance early

I really want to ask DH to categorically tell her he doesn't want her to invest but I'm worried about his reaction.

What would his reaction be. Because any loving son would rightly tell his mother that it was ok not to invest if she didnt want to. This screams of him wanting his own way and his mother to invest when either (a) she is unsure or (b) doesnt have the money or (c) both

Because he actually should be telling her its ok she doesnt NEED to invest in it- his business plan is strong and he can other investors. As it kind of sounds like in order to survive you need parental input - and that just isnt a good business model

My MIL in similarly financially cautious 'you can't go wrong with investing in premium bonds'. So I imagine her anxiety at his decisions are causing her to be fractious. I don't think you'll convince her it's a good risk but perhaps you could share with her the steps he's taking to protect himself from risks (his risk register).

Jealous of your parents. That's what it boils down to. She feels they are helping you more than she can and that you all like them more and are closer to them. I think it's that simple.

Of course she a mil must be a jealous old cow. Maybe she doesn’t want to invest. Maybe she needs the money or feels she needs may need the money at a later date.

Reading the op post I wouldn’t want to invest clearly they are only interested in her money.

@gunpowder where have I said i dont think IABU? I've simply stated that I'm taking advice to apologise for putting her under pressure and that we don't want her to invest

@lemontt. Yes that's exactly our plan. How clever of you to work it out. It's obviously nothing to do with the fact that wed like the DC to have a relationship with their GP. In fact I may as well come clean. DH and I planned this from the moment we met while both working at Tesco 10 year ago. He saw me at the checkout and thought "now there's someone whose parents can bankroll my business idea" it's been an elaborate scam from the get go. We only had the DC so we can emotionally blackmail both sets of our parents

If I were you I'd decline investment from either set of parents.

Some people are risk adverse. I feel sorry for MIL in this situation.

Its really easy to start dismissing her as jealous and bitter about your parents being favourite. To be honest that is typical of the lazy thinker who is quick to justify themselves by putting down others.

She is worried and feels under pressure from you both. Don't start adding a made up poisoned agenda to that.

Think about it, potential global recession looming, brexit uncertainty, possible interest rate hikes on the horizon. Cuts in EU grant funding. Overall uncertain economic outlook. I would say her concerns are justified. Before you dismiss my view Ive been involved in a family business for many years and it is bloody hard work. Many many companies go bankrupt and sink so just be very careful.

YY @Cranky17 whenever a woman disagrees with something it's because they're jealous. Couldn't possibly be that's she's in fact intelligent and knows a bad investment when she sees one.

OP are you sure you and your DH Aren't coming across as passive aggressive going on about the business in front of her so much?

OP it was you who mentioned going NC (though not sure why you would?) so not sure why you're getting so defensive about lemons comment

Some people are cautious, others willing to take risks. Surely you know this. She can be in whichever camp she likes and is doing nothing wrong.
I had the opposite problem with my inlaws. I come from a long line from of risk avoiding folk, in government jobs, good pensions etc. Dh was full of ideas for new ventures which inlaws encouraged profusely at every step. I dearly wished they would throw a spanner in the works and stop getting highly excited about each idea. I would love your mil.
Leave the woman alone and do her anxiety a favour and stop discussing the business with her. She is not able for it.

You say ‘invest’ but do you just mean ‘give you money’?

"I really want to ask DH to categorically tell her he doesn't want her to invest but I'm worried about his reaction."

Why would he have to tell her?

Isn't it a given that nobody has to invest in anything if they don't want to?

I stick with my point about jealousy. Her behavior at dinner, not joining the family until asked and the one-word answers amongst other examples of her behavior reek of an inferiority complex above anything else. MIL or not, genuine worries-, probably BUT definitely jealous.

'If she was really that concerned that we'd be homeless then why wouldn't she offer to help. If she can afford to that is. If she can't then I can't see why she can't just say so. Or even just say "sorry I have plans for my retirement". Its just the negativity and indecision.'
That comment is what stood out to me, so yes yabvu and what an entitled attitude to have.
I can understand you are both excited about this new venture, but do not expect everyone to share the same excitement. Your dmil is worried about the financial risk you are taking which is understandable. The poor woman probably did not want to come to the dining table as she is sick of the continuous talk about the business and the pressure she feels under to invest, I bet she cannot wait to go home.

@soydora I agree I did ask whether it would be for shares/dividends or just plough money into a start up that you dont get anything back from

And OP it should be you dont NEED her to - not WANT

Also if MIL is an intelligent woman why is she stomping around upstairs like a juvenile.

You've made it very clear that money from the DPs is something you expect and bringing the very idea of NC into it is a bit worrying; why would you even think of this in the circumstances?

I've run my own business (retired now), but involving the wider family's money is something I avoided and I'm afraid "giving the inheritance early" can be a bit of a red flag in itself - do PILs have other children this might impact on perhaps?

Each to their own of course, but if you're confident of the venture's success it might be worth doing it all off your own bat and keeping the hope of family money for if things get difficult

Many people are cautious with their money and she’s one of them. Investment means you have to be ok with losing the money. Add family to the mix and you have a lot of potential issues.

Be absolutely graceful in telling her you completely understand her decision and that you very much value her help and support in other areas.

Unfortunately you have made her deeply uncomfortable and as a guest that’s doubly difficult. Put it to bed, stop discussing the venture while she is there and give her a nice time for the remainder of her visit.

Why is she jealous?

I think it's just as likely she is worried about the outcome if this business goes tits up and hers sons wives, parents lose cash. That's not going to be great for the marriage or the kids.

Its entirely likely that she thinks the ops parents are doing the wrong thing by investing. That, that makes even riskier and her son shouldn't have ever asked them.

Sounds like she's risk averse and I can see her concerns. Don't ask or pressure her to invest if she doesn't want to.

And yes, your comments about your parents and early inheritance do indicate that you are muddled about investment vs gift. Investors want a return generally!

@tenessee sorry I missed the part where pressure was put on to invest and just focused on the negativity towards every move her DH made in regards to the business. You can choose not to invest and still be encouraging and positive.

@mum of little dragons
Yes that’s what we are learning to do, it’s sad but it is what it is