To be really pissed off at MIL's lack of support

[Butttons]

MIL has been staying with us for half term to help out with the DCs. She's been wonderful and they've adored her being here. DH is setting up his own company and MIL has been very much against this since the start. DH viewed some potential new premises this week and has been interviewing some potential new starters. Things seem like they're falling into place and he's really excited. My parents are planning on investing (they are mortgage free, have investment properties and work as part-time consultants in their respective lines of work). DH has spoken to PIL about investing (mortgage free, investment properties and money in the bank from sale of business) but they are non-committal.

MIL has been sitting here in a strop all afternoon since DH got back from an informal chat with an ex-employee who'd like to work for him. Having this person on board would make DH's new company almost twice as productive in the first year. The reason DH had a meeting today is because this person has just been promoted and they needed to discuss finances and dates. The only thing MIL has said is "well you're going to need more than £xxk then aren't you". When DH was talking about the potential new premises she just said "it doesn't sound like its going to work out with that one" simply because DH hasn't had a reply from the landlord from an email he sent yesterday.

I am not bothered about PIL investing on DH's company, yes it will make it more difficult financially, and we'll have to borrow more from investors and the bank, but there's so much negativity about him starting his own business (balanced with the argument "you've been at your current place long enough" ) that it's really getting me down.

She keeps saying how she's worried we'll lose the house and we and the DC will be homeless (obviously we've done our sums and budgeted things out. We're not stupid) but she doesn't actually want to help out at all to try and stop this scenario from happening. I really don't care about her money, I'm confident we can get enough backing from investors but her attitude is really pissing me off. She's been so lovely all week. The minute DH starts talking about his new business venture she just starts sulking. I cooked dinner, called them both from the living room in to the kitchen to sit down. DH and I were at the kitchen table for 5 mins waiting and she didn't join us until he went in to the living room to ask her if she wanted to eat (despite seeing me dishing up right after I'd asked them to sit down for dinner) . Then she came in and if was all one word answers during dinner and all night. She's just gone up to bed and I can hear her stomping around and slamming the toilet seat (wtf is that about?!). I hope she doesn't wake the DC.

I really want to ask DH to categorically tell her he doesn't want her to invest but I'm worried about his reaction. He's really stressed at the moment with his business plan etc. Its pushing our relationship and my relationship with MIL was a bit rocky until about a year/18m ago and he doesn't take any perceived "criticism" of MIL very well. I'm just so bloody pissed off that she can't provide even a little bit of moral encouragement. It all seems to he about money to her. She's not ungenerous. She always splashes out on us and the DC but I think she feels like she has to invest as my parents are. My parents have told us (and her) that they consider the investment almost like giving us our inheritance early and I think MIL feels inadequate (she previously told me she felt inadequate as my mum knitted the DC some jumpers when they were babies and she can't knit so can't do the same ).

Sorry for long post. AIBU to feel this way and should i say something to DH or even MIL?

[RedPanda2]

The way you're describing it sounds like Forever Living or sonething else just as shady

[bananasandwicheseveryday]

Given that you say at least some of ILs money came from the sale of a business, I'd say she has a very good idea indeed about the pitfalls of starting out on your own. I'd also suspect that, far from sulking, she's actually scared to death for you and feels that she would be better off holding on to her money in case it's ever needed to help you out in the future.

You say yourself that MIL is lovely and is very supportive and helpful so I think what you perceive as sulking is really a very deep concern.

FWIW, my DC and their partner are making a big decision at the moment. It's one I don't agree with if I'm honest as I really can't see it working out for them. But, unless they ask me, I will keep my concerns to myself. I wish I had the money to help them out but I don't, so I do worry about what will happen if it all goes wrong.

[Livelovebehappy]

Your pil probably worked hard over the years to accumulate their savings so why would they just hand it over to invest in something they’re not 100% sure will work? It would be madness. Like going to a financial adviser and putting your money into high risk stocks and shares. I just could never put my parents in that position.

[IvanaPee]

You’re taking advantage of your parents for your dh’s business which sounds disorganized and a bit pie-in-the-sky. I would never do that.

The fact that he asked them if they’d like to invest speaks volumes, IMO.

[Coyoacan]

I haven't read all the comments, but if your MIL is naturally cautious, like I am, she will not want to invest but she will also be worried about your family being made homeless too. This is her son, dil and dgc we are talking about.

I really hope your dh's business is a success, OP, but those are the rare ones.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Excellent post 7salmonswimming

[7salmonswimming]

Each one of your posts has left me more and more uncomfortable, OP.

• your MIL is supporting you. She’s looked after your kids for you during half term
  

• never, ever lend money to friends or family with an expectation of getting the money back. Your parents are on the one hand giving you an advance on your inheritance (which they wouldn’t expect back), but also are shareholders (expecting a return or a say, otherwise why not just write a cheque). Their intentions are unclear. What would happen to the shares in the long term? Would you want to be accountable to your in-laws in this way?
  

• I would never, ever have my in-laws be shareholders in my business. Therein lies compromised relations or business decisions, and a strained marriage. It’s just not worth the money. Go to the bank. If the bank doesn’t believe in you, listen.
  

• your MIL may not be reasonable sulking, but she’s entirely reasonable in not wanting to “invest” or “support” if she doesn’t believe in your plan. Honestly, sounds to me like she needs support more than you do, as she’s in a clear minority here, in your house. Why do you need her moral support so badly? Do you have doubts about your business?
  

• the more you say this isn’t about wanting her money and how you’d be fine without it, the more I think this is exactly what you want. You seem to want her to believe in your business plan to the point of putting her hand in her pocket. Would you honestly, really think no differently of her if your parents “invested” and she didn’t? What would be your answer if the business succeeds? And if it fails?
  

• it is not your MIL’s job to protect your business from failing, either by underwriting the costs or by picking up the pieces in terms of moral or practical support. You’re adults with children of your own. By any metric, starting a business from scratch when you have young children is a risk, possibly a big one, possibly a huge one.
  

You sound full of hope and self-belief and optimism and entitlement. You sound cock-sure. This is concerning at the outset of a risky venture. You should be sounding aware of the risks, understanding of your MIL’s position. You should have talked through the details of her concerns with her because you should be eager to know if she’s thought of something you haven’t. She’s negative because that’s how she feels about your venture. Statistically speaking, it’s more likely than not that she is right and you’re wrong.

[FlagranceDirect]

and that we really don't want her to be upset or feel that we want her money

You don't even have to do that. In fact please don't do that, it will probably make her feel worse keeping on dragging it up! Just don't bloody mention it at all. Pretend to yourself it's not a huge issue to you that your mil won't hand over her savings without question.
The issue that's made you write to MN. If you can manage it.

[FlagranceDirect]

The way to reassure her (if he wants to) is to keep bringing things back to her. Has he offered to show her the new premises etc as 'I'd really love you to see this' or 'I wondered what you thought of this because you usually give me good advice'

No, because that looks like he's still trying to persuade her to 'invest'.
The best way to calm her fear (which Is probably that she's being pushed into pouring all her money into her son's business) is to never mention it again in her presence. And all this talk of her being jealous of the other in-laws strikes me as utter rubbish.

[Tennesseewhiskey]

If it goes tits up, shareholders get fuck all.

It's still a risky investment.

[FlagranceDirect]

You can voice concerns but be encouraging

No. You actually can't if you think it's a bad idea.

[FlagranceDirect]

FWIW my parents will be shareholders

And ok with perhaps losing their money. Maybe mil doesn't want to gamble her money.

I'm slightly bemused by this demonstration of entitlement.
That somebody should give you money just 'because' you want it and you think they should.
And also that you feel entitled to be pissed off with them because they don't want to. And that they express their worries regarding your plans, and are not supportive of something they feel might be a big mistake.
Have the courage of your convictions, do what you need to do - but don't expect to do it on someone else's cash.

[BartonHollow]

"That was kind of the plan"

Says it all.

[Mammajay]

I would want to keep my money back in case the business fails and my son needed bailing out. Adult children should not expect parents to finance them IMO. My husband and I worked extremely hard with no parental funding to get our business up and running.

[FlagranceDirect]

Jealous of your parents. That's what it boils down to. She feels they are helping you more than she can and that you all like them more and are closer to them. I think it's that simple

If it was that simple she'd just chuck all her money at them to redress the balance.
She doesn't want to chuck her money away. I think it's that simple.

[Butttons]

@ariadne. That was kind of the plan.....

[Aridane]

(that was supposed to say 'no way', not 'now way')

[Aridane]

FWIW my parents will be shareholders

So now way for them to realise their 'investment' - ie they won't be able to sell the shares (unless back to you).

[timeisnotaline]

I know nobody will listen but I do think the op gets it, and doesn’t need continued slating on some unfortunate wording. No matter how clear the why is, it is still very trying to have your mil being very negative around the place and that clearly influenced her.
Also, In fact I may as well come clean. DH and I planned this from the moment we met while both working at Tesco 10 year ago. He saw me at the checkout and thought "now there's someone whose parents can bankroll my business idea" it's been an elaborate scam from the get go. We only had the DC so we can emotionally blackmail both sets of our parents
What an amazing plan!! I’m so sorry it’s not quite working out for you op

[Lizzie48]

I agree with PPs that it doesn't sound likely that your MIL is jealous., simply because that would be out of character from what the OP has said. She's normally lovely, helps out with childcare. It's more likely that she's worried about you and frustrated that you're not taking her concerns seriously when she's someone who has run a business.

And of course she won't invest her money in a business that she thinks is a bad idea.

[Peanutbutterforever]

If she's normally lovely and is now behaving oddly, I suspect that you have been hinting to her more than you think, that she should invest...

[CloudyTuesday]

"The minute DH starts talking about his new business venture she just starts sulking. I cooked dinner, called them both from the living room in to the kitchen to sit down. DH and I were at the kitchen table for 5 mins waiting and she didn't join us until he went in to the living room to ask her if she wanted to eat (despite seeing me dishing up right after I'd asked them to sit down for dinner) . Then she came in and if was all one word answers during dinner and all night."

Sulking or beside herself with worry. We don't stop worrying about dc or gc when they become adults.

[CloudyTuesday]

"she doesn't actually want to help out at all to try and stop this scenario from happening."

Your disdain radiates out from this thread. I can only imagine what she feels in close rl proximity to you.

[CloudyTuesday]

"The only thing MIL has said is "well you're going to need more than £xxk then aren't you."

True surely, if you want that particular member of staff?

"When DH was talking about the potential new premises she just said "it doesn't sound like its going to work out with that one."

Doesn't sound particularly negative to me. Landlords are usually pretty keen to respond to potential new tenants. Your dp have investment properties themselves don't they? Perhaps her experience has taught her that a long delay in replying suggests that they're not keen for some reason, so move on, find a Plan B just incase.

You see negativity, I see realism and personal experience. Banging around upstairs and one word answers? She's biting her tongue and bottling up what she really wants to say. Seems that being lovely, being generous with money, providing free childcare isn't enough for you.

[EthelHornsby]

That would be me - I’m very risk averse, and I would be terrified it would all go wrong and leave you penniless. I would try not to actually say that, but would have difficulty sounding positive, and would be far too nervous to risk my retirement money by ‘investing’. Just don’t discuss it with her and respect her point of view