To be really pissed off at MIL's lack of support

[Butttons]

MIL has been staying with us for half term to help out with the DCs. She's been wonderful and they've adored her being here. DH is setting up his own company and MIL has been very much against this since the start. DH viewed some potential new premises this week and has been interviewing some potential new starters. Things seem like they're falling into place and he's really excited. My parents are planning on investing (they are mortgage free, have investment properties and work as part-time consultants in their respective lines of work). DH has spoken to PIL about investing (mortgage free, investment properties and money in the bank from sale of business) but they are non-committal.

MIL has been sitting here in a strop all afternoon since DH got back from an informal chat with an ex-employee who'd like to work for him. Having this person on board would make DH's new company almost twice as productive in the first year. The reason DH had a meeting today is because this person has just been promoted and they needed to discuss finances and dates. The only thing MIL has said is "well you're going to need more than £xxk then aren't you". When DH was talking about the potential new premises she just said "it doesn't sound like its going to work out with that one" simply because DH hasn't had a reply from the landlord from an email he sent yesterday.

I am not bothered about PIL investing on DH's company, yes it will make it more difficult financially, and we'll have to borrow more from investors and the bank, but there's so much negativity about him starting his own business (balanced with the argument "you've been at your current place long enough" ) that it's really getting me down.

She keeps saying how she's worried we'll lose the house and we and the DC will be homeless (obviously we've done our sums and budgeted things out. We're not stupid) but she doesn't actually want to help out at all to try and stop this scenario from happening. I really don't care about her money, I'm confident we can get enough backing from investors but her attitude is really pissing me off. She's been so lovely all week. The minute DH starts talking about his new business venture she just starts sulking. I cooked dinner, called them both from the living room in to the kitchen to sit down. DH and I were at the kitchen table for 5 mins waiting and she didn't join us until he went in to the living room to ask her if she wanted to eat (despite seeing me dishing up right after I'd asked them to sit down for dinner) . Then she came in and if was all one word answers during dinner and all night. She's just gone up to bed and I can hear her stomping around and slamming the toilet seat (wtf is that about?!). I hope she doesn't wake the DC.

I really want to ask DH to categorically tell her he doesn't want her to invest but I'm worried about his reaction. He's really stressed at the moment with his business plan etc. Its pushing our relationship and my relationship with MIL was a bit rocky until about a year/18m ago and he doesn't take any perceived "criticism" of MIL very well. I'm just so bloody pissed off that she can't provide even a little bit of moral encouragement. It all seems to he about money to her. She's not ungenerous. She always splashes out on us and the DC but I think she feels like she has to invest as my parents are. My parents have told us (and her) that they consider the investment almost like giving us our inheritance early and I think MIL feels inadequate (she previously told me she felt inadequate as my mum knitted the DC some jumpers when they were babies and she can't knit so can't do the same ).

Sorry for long post. AIBU to feel this way and should i say something to DH or even MIL?

[LightDrizzle]

I do think it was very wrong if your DH to ask his parents if they wanted to invest.
Have your parents bought shares in the business, or is there a loan agreement with interest? How do they get a return on their investment?

[PuzzlingPuzzle]

I am not bothered about PIL investing on DH's company, yes it will make it more difficult financially, and we'll have to borrow more from investors and the bank
She keeps saying how she's worried we'll lose the house and we and the DC will be homeless (obviously we've done our sums and budgeted things out. We're not stupid) but she doesn't actually want to help out at all to try and stop this scenario from happening.

It does sound like you are expecting her to if not invest outright then provide a safety net if it all goes tits up. Which given how many small business fail is a not unlikely scenario. It may not be conscious but my guess is that she IS feeling pressured to invest.

I really want to ask DH to categorically tell her he doesn't want her to invest
This would be an excellent idea. And stop talking about the finances of the business in front of her as she probably thinks it’s a guilt trip (even if that’s not your intention).

But best of luck, I hope you get the funding you need and it all goes to plan

[julensaor]

sorry @SassitudeandSparkle, didn't reference your name to the bold in my post, I was agreeing with you.

[nocoolnamesleft]

She probably thinks she needs to hang onto her money to help out with basics if this plan goes tits up and you end up bankrupt. Sounds pretty prudent of her.

[KurriKurri]

She's negative, she's not offering moral support, if she's genuinely worried it will fail she should be offering financial support ?
Sounds like you are setting things up to be her fault if it all goes tits up, and she's worried about this.
If it bothers you that she's unenthusiastic then don't have the business as a topic of conversation, just say ' I think we'd better just agree to disagree over that one' and change the subject.
She clearly feels under pressure to invest, and I imagine having spent the week in your house helping with the kids, she's a bit ticked off that yet again she's feeling put on the spot regarding her business venture. She's having to come up with negative responses because she is feeling pressured and there is an underlying sense that she should be investing. She should be able to say ' I don't want to' and that should be the end of it. But maybe she thinks you still expect it of her so she's trying to find concrete reasons why she doesn;t want to - hence her negativity.

I hope your business succeeds, but if it doesn't it isn't because your MIL isn't investing and it isn't because she is 'unsupportive'. I would reassure her you don't want anything from her and let the subject drop.

[PCohle]

I've got a huge amount of sympathy for your MIL.

It sounds like she feels under pressure to invest because she is scared for your financial security rather than because she believes in the business and thinks it is a sound investment.

You need to stop guilt tripping her.

[ZenNudist]

YABsoU.

She is supportive. She has stayed a week to look after your children. I think you need to refute her comments that her money is expected (although clearly you do expect it). Best try and undo the damage by smoothing things over and saying you wouldn't dream of expecting her to invest. I dont think it should just come from your dh.

I thought that your most unreasonable comment was "if she was really that concerned that we'd be homeless then why wouldnt she offer to help. If she can afford to that is"
Harsh. So she has money there she should throw it at an investment she is not convinced by or else her family suffers. Emotional blackmail or what. Lose this attitude sharpish.

Speaking as a forensic accountant who gers paid large sums of money when family businesses go bad id say dont ask her to invest and don't expect your parents too either. Get your "investors" involved and leave family money well out of it. Hopefully everything will go well but if not youre not incurring massive resentment in the future.

[NotaSpringChicken]

It sounds as if MIL does not want to invest. That is entirely up to her.

We have helped out our adult kids enormously with higher education and getting started in life well. Thanks to this they are now at the point where both have decent jobs, should be able to support themselves and whatever happens now is of their own choosing.

Whatever happens to them next, we do not intend to get involved in their financial decisions. We have planned for our future retirement and it is perfectly adequate for our needs, but will not be a life of luxury.

Maybe your MIL is of the same mindset. Yet if she will help with the children, you might want to accept this and not fall out over money.

[MistressDeeCee]

She's made her feelings known and should shut up now.

It's none of her business.

I won't have a sulker in my house. Its rude, and I categorically refuse. My mum has form for sulking and I used to send her home when she tried it. Sulk in your own house, not mine. She stopped soon enough.

Particularly since your MIL isn't investing in the business, she needs to be quiet now. You and your DH are not children.

She may be worried about it all but that's not a free pass to be negative and sit in your home like the prophet of doom as if wishing failure on you.

I assume she's not a business consultant neither qualified to project what will happen with your business plan and idea in any way.

I've been self-employed for many years now. If I listened to know-it-alls I wouldn't have got started as people just love to predict failure. I don't know what it is about someone wanting to go into business that gets them that way.

It's nice MIL helps out with the children. You can show and voice appreciation for that. Apart from this there's no need to discuss your business in front of her at all from now on. So just don't.

[BrokenWing]

Sounds like she is reluctant to invest but feels she should, maybe because your parents have.

You and your dh should have a word with her and make sure she knows bit only are you grateful, but she doesnt need to invest if she is not comfortable and you will both respect that decision 100%......actually scrap that, it's blatantly obvious she is uncomfortable, tell her she doesn't need to invest, thank her for offering, apologise if she felt pressure to do so and give her a hug.

[Cranky17]

It’s sounds like you aren’t listening to her so she is grumping and sighing so you get the message.

It does sound like you want her money and I wonder how much resentment will be held towards her when she sticks to her guns

I feel quite sad for her

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

I agree with the others, it does sound like you're annoyed with her because she won't invest. Whether you mean to or not, if it comes across to a lot of us then it probably does to her too.

[CJsGoldfish]

I can completely understand her worry. Especially if she senses that you would expect her to act as your safety net.
Is there a back story of your DH perhaps not being the most responsible guy he could be?

Either way, it is clear that you totally expected her to invest and haven't taken to kindly to her refusal to. It is also clear that she'd be expected to bail you out if it all went wrong.

You need to stop talking about it. Stop trying to guilt her and find some other common ground.

BTW. I would NEVER EVER let my parents or PIL to risk their money this way. I would NEVER EVER ask and I'd definitely never accept. Your attitude that they have it to 'spare' is pretty off tbh.

[GunpowderGelatine]

My bet is that she is seeing that DH could really do with the investment and feels guilty for saying no. I think you need to tell her that she needn't worry about investing you've got it covered. It sounds like you get lots of help from both parents, financially and for helping with children, when you're that lucky you really need to pick your battles!

[BartonHollow]

Your MILs opinion that the venture is unlikely to succeed may be vexing and feel unsupportive but she's entitled to it.

And though you may see it as early inheritance, your DH is not entitled to dip into his mothers finances whilst she lives


YOU MAY AS WELL GIVE US IT BEFORE YOU DIE BECAUSE WE WANT IT NOW

is a fairly ghastly, grasping and unseemly attitude which reeks of lack of social graces and entitlement

I think YABU

[GunpowderGelatine]

my point was that if she was really that concerned that we'd be homeless then why wouldnt she offer to help

Really OP? You think that fear that your business might not work out is a good reason for her to invest her money? It smacks of emotional blackmail TBH.

I hope when I'm older my DC don't think being mortgage free gives them fair game to come and stick their hand out and expect whatever they want under any circumstances. I actually want to enjoy my money one day however I see fit!

[MsPavlichenko]

Has she come to help with child care? As in she is helping you financially?

[Purpleartichoke]

Starting a small business is incredibly risky. Applying any pressure to family to invest is incredibly rude. She is worried her son is making a huge mistake, giving up a safe job for the hope of a big payoff. Sure, some people succeed, but many others fail. Is at least one of you working for a salary elsewhere to help protect your family?

Agreeing to come help with the kids at term time is a sign of a supportive MiL.

[Eminado]

Really sorry OP but you dont come across well in this.

You sound smug “we dont need their money and could get it from investors” - [then do that then??]

You sound entitled - saying they are mortgage free and have properties etc is all fine but you have NO idea (or right to know) of their financial plans / hopes / dreams with their money.

You come across as absolutely money obsessed sorry. And it’s not your money. Sorry but I think YABVU.

[GunpowderGelatine]

My DH started his business 9 years ago, and whilst it is now doing extremely well (we've upgraded house, garden landscapes, DC can be educated privately) he made no money for about 3 years. We were lucky I had a good job and could carry the two of us on my wage alone. We couldn't do that now we have kids and I work part time. Whenever I hear people have grand plans about upcoming small businesses that will definitely do very week - and do worrying things like job interviews before they've secured funding - I'm a bit . Most new businesses fail, you IL's probably know this too and are worried about what your plans are should that happen. I mean would your wage be enough for the household?

[WetPaint4]

Urgh, a grown woman sulking and stomping around your home because she's not happy about her son's business? A parent would be the best person to express concerns about "what-ifs" but from what you've written it sounds like she's just searching for negatives. Maybe to her, the plan doesn't stack up; fine, she should just say that and move the hell on.

I think you're right, you should gently tell her not to invest, because if she does, you'll get this from her constantly. And if she is feeling pressure to invest just because your parents are prepared to, at least you and your husband can get in there first and let her know: thank you, the investment is not needed, but we'd still appreciate some positive support from you.

[katykins85]

Stop talking about the business, she clearly isn't interested in "investing" any money and rightly so. Why should she?!

You sound incredibly entitled OP .

[evaperonspoodle]

my point was that if she was really that concerned that we'd be homeless then why wouldnt she offer to help

OP if I was concerned that my ds' business wasn't going to 'make it' the last thing I would do would be to throw money at it. Many, many businesses fail before they have even earned a salary so I personally think she is right to be wary.

[Butttons]

Thanks for the replies and especially the suggestions to have a quiet word letting her know we do not wish to have put her u der pressure to invest. We will do this

I purposely haven't put all details of our investors, finance history and business plan here, for obvious reasons so apologies for any gaps in previous posts

FWIW my parents have offered to invest in the business, we do not constantly bring the business up when she's here and are incredibly grateful that she is able to help with the DC.

[Tennesseewhiskey]

I think you are being a bit ridiculous. She doesnt want to invest and you feel she can't be worried if she isn't that fussed about investing.

She is concerned this won't work. Why would she invest her money of that's the case. Every business is a risk, she doesnt want to risk her money. But it doesnt follow that she has to try and stop that happening by giving you more money.

And let's be honest, if she is right and it doesnt work, it doesnt matter if she puts a bit in.

I supported my exhs business. It went tits up, it would have been even worse if all our parents had money put in.