To be really pissed off at MIL's lack of support

[Butttons]

MIL has been staying with us for half term to help out with the DCs. She's been wonderful and they've adored her being here. DH is setting up his own company and MIL has been very much against this since the start. DH viewed some potential new premises this week and has been interviewing some potential new starters. Things seem like they're falling into place and he's really excited. My parents are planning on investing (they are mortgage free, have investment properties and work as part-time consultants in their respective lines of work). DH has spoken to PIL about investing (mortgage free, investment properties and money in the bank from sale of business) but they are non-committal.

MIL has been sitting here in a strop all afternoon since DH got back from an informal chat with an ex-employee who'd like to work for him. Having this person on board would make DH's new company almost twice as productive in the first year. The reason DH had a meeting today is because this person has just been promoted and they needed to discuss finances and dates. The only thing MIL has said is "well you're going to need more than £xxk then aren't you". When DH was talking about the potential new premises she just said "it doesn't sound like its going to work out with that one" simply because DH hasn't had a reply from the landlord from an email he sent yesterday.

I am not bothered about PIL investing on DH's company, yes it will make it more difficult financially, and we'll have to borrow more from investors and the bank, but there's so much negativity about him starting his own business (balanced with the argument "you've been at your current place long enough" ) that it's really getting me down.

She keeps saying how she's worried we'll lose the house and we and the DC will be homeless (obviously we've done our sums and budgeted things out. We're not stupid) but she doesn't actually want to help out at all to try and stop this scenario from happening. I really don't care about her money, I'm confident we can get enough backing from investors but her attitude is really pissing me off. She's been so lovely all week. The minute DH starts talking about his new business venture she just starts sulking. I cooked dinner, called them both from the living room in to the kitchen to sit down. DH and I were at the kitchen table for 5 mins waiting and she didn't join us until he went in to the living room to ask her if she wanted to eat (despite seeing me dishing up right after I'd asked them to sit down for dinner) . Then she came in and if was all one word answers during dinner and all night. She's just gone up to bed and I can hear her stomping around and slamming the toilet seat (wtf is that about?!). I hope she doesn't wake the DC.

I really want to ask DH to categorically tell her he doesn't want her to invest but I'm worried about his reaction. He's really stressed at the moment with his business plan etc. Its pushing our relationship and my relationship with MIL was a bit rocky until about a year/18m ago and he doesn't take any perceived "criticism" of MIL very well. I'm just so bloody pissed off that she can't provide even a little bit of moral encouragement. It all seems to he about money to her. She's not ungenerous. She always splashes out on us and the DC but I think she feels like she has to invest as my parents are. My parents have told us (and her) that they consider the investment almost like giving us our inheritance early and I think MIL feels inadequate (she previously told me she felt inadequate as my mum knitted the DC some jumpers when they were babies and she can't knit so can't do the same ).

Sorry for long post. AIBU to feel this way and should i say something to DH or even MIL?

[Seaweed42]

Sounds like she is jealous of your DH's new venture. The new business is like another Mummy who is is very very attached to and takes all his attention.
What she keeps seeming to say is 'what about me?', 'you don't love me anymore now you have this new big excitment in your life, you'll just ditch me!'
The way to reassure her (if he wants to) is to keep bringing things back to her. Has he offered to show her the new premises etc as 'I'd really love you to see this' or 'I wondered what you thought of this because you usually give me good advice'.

[PCohle]

Why on earth would she be jealous? It sounds like she thinks it a shit idea, is worried about her son's financial future and is being emotionally manipulated into risking her pension by "investing" in it too.

[Tennesseewhiskey]

I don't know how many times people bring stuff up, before people are allowed to get stroppy.

OP is now changing the story, that she asks, that it's all her.

Tbh I feel like OPand her has her head in the sand. Possibly pissed off because she might have point.

[Littleraindrop15]

I don't get why your mil would be stroppy if she isn't contributing to the business and you are not expecting her to have any part in the business. It really has nothing to do with her, it's like buying a house you wouldn't need someone else's approval to get a mortgage and if one set of parents are helping with deposit you don't exactly turn around and say sorry the other parents are going to feel bad and under pressure. Your parents have every right to choose how to spend their money end of the day, just like your mil does. The stroppiness would piss me off if this was the case.

If she is expected to etc then of course yabu.

Have I missed the point of the thread entirely?

[Butttons]

@littleraindrop no you haven't. this us more or less how I feel. That it's up the my parents what they do with their money. I say in my original post that we don't want her money. DH originally approached her to ask if she'd like to invest. It's fine for us if she says no. We don't talk about the business constantly. Not sure where that suggestion has come from

[FlagranceDirect]

if she was really that concerned that we'd be homeless then why wouldnt she offer to help

This makes no sense. If she's concerned the business will fail, and render you homeless, why doesn't she sink her money in it as well?

She'd have to be an idiot to do that.

[PCohle]

But surely it is fact that you've asked her to contribute that does make it totally different to the situation Littledrop describes.

OP and her husband did want her to contribute and she had to refuse. Now every time it gets mentioned in front of her she feels like it's guilt tripping.

It's like getting a mortgage, asking both sets of parents for help with a deposit, one says no and then you bang on in front of them about how stressed you are about scraping together the deposit and how you're going to have to borrow soooo much money.

[Alsohuman]

It might be because you said “Every time DP talks about the business” in your original post. Simple solution - don’t talk about it in front of her. Job done. It seems you’d rather she lied and waxed lyrical about something that really worries her.

[Littleraindrop15]

Ah okay as you've asked her I get why she would feel under pressure. Perhaps just not mention anything to do with the business and maybe speak to her and remind her you don't expect anything from her financially and that you are sorted even though it's not the case to put her mind at ease but perhaps a bit of moral support and encouragement would be appreciated. Perhaps that will help move the situation a long à little.



Something like that might help?

[BartonHollow]

Yeah the OP almost certainly doesn't mean "invest"

Investment usually comes in one of three forms or a combination of them

A debt loan which is to be paid back at a fixed term of months at interest

You obtain a large sum of money from an investor but they then OWN a portion of your business and are paid out of profits accordingly

A royalty fee. In a product based investment the investor receives a monetary reward for every unit sold.

(I watch a lot of this kind of programme )

The OP and her DH clearly have zero intention of giving his DM any formal financial stake or legally agrees profit margin.

If the MIL were posting on here or on Gransnet it would be a very sad post along the lines of

"Sometimes I feel like my son wishes I would just die so he could have my money"

Poor woman. And MILs usually NEVER get sympathy on MN

[Littleraindrop15]

Sorry I've wrote perhaps so many times am just juggling a few things sorry for not being coherent lol

[PCohle]

Well that was my initial thought too Barton but the OP has updated that her parents are formal shareholders in the business (i.e. your option number 2).

[Cherrysoup]

I think she may be feeling pressurised and trapped, even if you don’t keep going on about the business, it’s clearly a looming presence. Best thing is to not talk about it in front of her and for your dh to properly say to her that you don’t expect her to invest, without any guilt tripping. Maybe she’s just worried for you. Most parents want their children to be stable financially and she’s probably worried you won’t succeed.

[BartonHollow]

Apologies I missed that although it does smell of drip feed/backtrack

Distracted by my phone

My phone is driving me nuts, it keeps autocorrecting words that aren't wrong and ruining my posts

Agrees instead of agreed
Belief instead of believes

[Butttons]

Shes here until tomorrow and were planning o. Having a chat with her tonight to gently let her know we appreciate her concerns, we're fine financially and that we really don't want her to be upset or feel that we want her money. Thanks for all the advice on how to broach the subject.

[EthelHornsby]

That would be me - I’m very risk averse, and I would be terrified it would all go wrong and leave you penniless. I would try not to actually say that, but would have difficulty sounding positive, and would be far too nervous to risk my retirement money by ‘investing’. Just don’t discuss it with her and respect her point of view

[CloudyTuesday]

"The only thing MIL has said is "well you're going to need more than £xxk then aren't you."

True surely, if you want that particular member of staff?

"When DH was talking about the potential new premises she just said "it doesn't sound like its going to work out with that one."

Doesn't sound particularly negative to me. Landlords are usually pretty keen to respond to potential new tenants. Your dp have investment properties themselves don't they? Perhaps her experience has taught her that a long delay in replying suggests that they're not keen for some reason, so move on, find a Plan B just incase.

You see negativity, I see realism and personal experience. Banging around upstairs and one word answers? She's biting her tongue and bottling up what she really wants to say. Seems that being lovely, being generous with money, providing free childcare isn't enough for you.

[CloudyTuesday]

"she doesn't actually want to help out at all to try and stop this scenario from happening."

Your disdain radiates out from this thread. I can only imagine what she feels in close rl proximity to you.

[CloudyTuesday]

"The minute DH starts talking about his new business venture she just starts sulking. I cooked dinner, called them both from the living room in to the kitchen to sit down. DH and I were at the kitchen table for 5 mins waiting and she didn't join us until he went in to the living room to ask her if she wanted to eat (despite seeing me dishing up right after I'd asked them to sit down for dinner) . Then she came in and if was all one word answers during dinner and all night."

Sulking or beside herself with worry. We don't stop worrying about dc or gc when they become adults.

[Peanutbutterforever]

If she's normally lovely and is now behaving oddly, I suspect that you have been hinting to her more than you think, that she should invest...

[Lizzie48]

I agree with PPs that it doesn't sound likely that your MIL is jealous., simply because that would be out of character from what the OP has said. She's normally lovely, helps out with childcare. It's more likely that she's worried about you and frustrated that you're not taking her concerns seriously when she's someone who has run a business.

And of course she won't invest her money in a business that she thinks is a bad idea.

[timeisnotaline]

I know nobody will listen but I do think the op gets it, and doesn’t need continued slating on some unfortunate wording. No matter how clear the why is, it is still very trying to have your mil being very negative around the place and that clearly influenced her.
Also, In fact I may as well come clean. DH and I planned this from the moment we met while both working at Tesco 10 year ago. He saw me at the checkout and thought "now there's someone whose parents can bankroll my business idea" it's been an elaborate scam from the get go. We only had the DC so we can emotionally blackmail both sets of our parents
What an amazing plan!! I’m so sorry it’s not quite working out for you op

[Aridane]

FWIW my parents will be shareholders

So now way for them to realise their 'investment' - ie they won't be able to sell the shares (unless back to you).

[Aridane]

(that was supposed to say 'no way', not 'now way')

[Butttons]

@ariadne. That was kind of the plan.....