To be really pissed off at MIL's lack of support

[Butttons]

MIL has been staying with us for half term to help out with the DCs. She's been wonderful and they've adored her being here. DH is setting up his own company and MIL has been very much against this since the start. DH viewed some potential new premises this week and has been interviewing some potential new starters. Things seem like they're falling into place and he's really excited. My parents are planning on investing (they are mortgage free, have investment properties and work as part-time consultants in their respective lines of work). DH has spoken to PIL about investing (mortgage free, investment properties and money in the bank from sale of business) but they are non-committal.

MIL has been sitting here in a strop all afternoon since DH got back from an informal chat with an ex-employee who'd like to work for him. Having this person on board would make DH's new company almost twice as productive in the first year. The reason DH had a meeting today is because this person has just been promoted and they needed to discuss finances and dates. The only thing MIL has said is "well you're going to need more than £xxk then aren't you". When DH was talking about the potential new premises she just said "it doesn't sound like its going to work out with that one" simply because DH hasn't had a reply from the landlord from an email he sent yesterday.

I am not bothered about PIL investing on DH's company, yes it will make it more difficult financially, and we'll have to borrow more from investors and the bank, but there's so much negativity about him starting his own business (balanced with the argument "you've been at your current place long enough" ) that it's really getting me down.

She keeps saying how she's worried we'll lose the house and we and the DC will be homeless (obviously we've done our sums and budgeted things out. We're not stupid) but she doesn't actually want to help out at all to try and stop this scenario from happening. I really don't care about her money, I'm confident we can get enough backing from investors but her attitude is really pissing me off. She's been so lovely all week. The minute DH starts talking about his new business venture she just starts sulking. I cooked dinner, called them both from the living room in to the kitchen to sit down. DH and I were at the kitchen table for 5 mins waiting and she didn't join us until he went in to the living room to ask her if she wanted to eat (despite seeing me dishing up right after I'd asked them to sit down for dinner) . Then she came in and if was all one word answers during dinner and all night. She's just gone up to bed and I can hear her stomping around and slamming the toilet seat (wtf is that about?!). I hope she doesn't wake the DC.

I really want to ask DH to categorically tell her he doesn't want her to invest but I'm worried about his reaction. He's really stressed at the moment with his business plan etc. Its pushing our relationship and my relationship with MIL was a bit rocky until about a year/18m ago and he doesn't take any perceived "criticism" of MIL very well. I'm just so bloody pissed off that she can't provide even a little bit of moral encouragement. It all seems to he about money to her. She's not ungenerous. She always splashes out on us and the DC but I think she feels like she has to invest as my parents are. My parents have told us (and her) that they consider the investment almost like giving us our inheritance early and I think MIL feels inadequate (she previously told me she felt inadequate as my mum knitted the DC some jumpers when they were babies and she can't knit so can't do the same ).

Sorry for long post. AIBU to feel this way and should i say something to DH or even MIL?

[notacooldad]

sassitude my point was that if she was really that concerned that we'd be homeless then why wouldnt she offer to help. If she can afford to that is. If she can't then I can't see why she can't just say so. Or even just say "sorry I have plans for my retirement". Its just the negativity and indecision.
What the hell?
It just across that you want her money. Clearly she is reluctantly to but why in earth does she have to justify it to you.
You know she doesn't want to invest so I don't know why you keep coming back with she can afford it type comments.
She is clearly worried about your families future.
I word put up with moans as you have she is normally lovely. I'm surprised you can't see that.

[StinkyCandle]

She's made her feelings known and should shut up now.

It's none of her business.

don't be so ridiculously rude and childish will you. She is - or feels like she is - constantly put on the stop, and she is clearly uncomfortable. It sounds like she is lovely and helpful.

An adult is entitled to have an opinion and not to lie and pretend they think it's a wonderful plan when it's not. She is probably wrong, but being protective of your kids is not.

The OP is much more sensible and just taking her off the hook the best option, instead of acting like a stroppy teen as suggested by some posters!

[EvaHarknessRose]

She’s risk averse.

And it would be awful if a lot of money was lost from all the family - so she might be worried about DH loss of face (sort of the reverse of not believing in him - not wanting to oversell him - because she wouldn’t want to take this risk herself, she can’t bear to think about him doing it and risking failure - she sounds like she tends towards being slightly critical and undermining of him, but in the way that anxious Mums are, caring but projecting their own feelings). Could you offer her some reassurance as well about her place with you by saying how lovely she is with the dc, and how much you enjoyed the time together? Sort of react by connecting, rather than pulling back because she is?

[Margot33]

I think she is worried for you all in case it fails. It sounds like you're fully expecting her to invest. Why should she? I think you need to stop discussing the business with her, it's obviously making her feel stressed. Let her just be a good nan with the grandchildren and don't ask for anything more.

[rookiemere]

You need to stop discussing plans in front of her.

She's made her feelings clear, she's helping you with the DCs, she obviously finds thinking about this stressful so stop giving her details. You've made it her business by asking for money and whilst her behaviour sounds tricky, you're both fuelling it by continuously giving her all the minutiae of the set up. If you want this to stop then stop talking about it or accept your free childcare comes with a dose of attitude.

[GoGoGadgetGin]

She probably thinks she needs to hang onto her money to help out with basics if this plan goes tits up and you end up bankrupt. Sounds pretty prudent of her.. This! If the risk is that great you could lose your home, she is being sensible!

[LemonTT]

The OP simply isn’t getting the obvious point. If you ask someone to invest, they have skin in the game. They have a voice and they can give their opinions on how the money is used. Ask relatives to invest and that will spill over into family life. The very simple solution is to get investment from professional investors or take out a loan.

It’s not good enough to nicely explain she doesn’t have to invest after they have piled on the pressure. The OP and her husband have put her in an awful position and are blaming her for feeling being scared and upset.

The right thing to do is state outright they do not need the investment from family members. If they want keep the money gifted from OPs parents secret. But tell MIL they no longer need and will no longer be taking the investment.

What you are doing is wrong OP. How you are behaving is wrong. The fact you are now playing “nice” because you realise you need her is telling.

[Dimsumlosesum]

Sounds like she's just being sensible and prudent.

[diddl]

" if she was really that concerned that we'd be homeless then why wouldnt she offer to help. "

Eh?? How does that follow?

[Feb2018mumma]

I got quite angry when my husband quit a good job to start a new school with someone, I didn't see it working and was so stressed. Maybe she is the same, just anger covering fear/stress. If she is normally nice just try to move past it without too much thought.

[Shookethtothecore]

My pil are like this, I hate them for many reasons but this was the first thing that set me off.
Dh is very successful, has a great job and works his guts out. We have never asked them for a penny nor would we need to. But if we go on holiday, have work done to the house, when we bought our car etc. Every time it is greeting with negativity that we should of done it like this, can we afford it?, is it necessary. I hate it and dh looks like a lost little boy looking for their approval but they never give it. I can’t understbd why they are so negative towards him

[Tennesseewhiskey]

Shookethtothecore how is your situation anything like the ops?

OP like her mil who helps out with the kids and is generally lovely

They asked her to invest, despite it being obvious that she doesnt want to they keep discussing it in front of her, which probably feels like they are hinting and still seeking her investment

She is genuinely worried and her concerns are real. Setting up your own business, even with plenty of investment is risky. She isn't negative about anything else. Just concerned about this.

Even though this is clear and mil is there to help them out, they keep trying to discuss it with her.

It's not anywhere near the same.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Your mil knows you obviously want her to invest money. But have decided against it. She’s feeling the pressure and guilt. Having a word is good as is making the new business a taboo subject for now.

[Quartz2208]

OP I think you are being massively unfair - the underlying current of her investing is throughout your OP

No matter how secure the business plan is, the skillset of the person running it etc the number of start up that fail compared to those that succeed is massive. And even then the turnovers of those that do succeed is often not what you think.

She is understandably nervous and I have to say given your attitude towards it here rightly so. This is a big step and your answer to you potentially being homeless is for her to give you money.

And how are your parents investing - are they share holders or just giving you money

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Shooketothe
There is no reason. You just have to rephrase this. You don’t know their reasons because they are inexplicable. Live well and happy. The more your dh tries to seek their approval the less they will give it. They see his neediness as a weakness maybe or are narcissistists.

[BlueMerchant]

Jealous of your parents. That's what it boils down to. She feels they are helping you more than she can and that you all like them more and are closer to them. I think it's that simple.

[BoringPerson]

OP.
Telling your Mil she shouldn't feel under pressure to invest is t going to Stop her feeling under pressure to invest is it!! You need to tell her you actually don't won't her to invest.

[Itsnotme123]

I agree with Bluemerchant. Just what I was going to say. She’s jealous.

[Butttons]

@lemontt

What you are doing is wrong OP. How you are behaving is wrong. The fact you are now playing “nice” because you realise you need her is telling.

Are you suggesting we go NC then instead?

@boringperson you're right. We need to be crystal clear.

@bluemerchant. You may be right. Never thought of it like that

[harriethoyle]

Your smiley emojis don't negate the impression of you being incredibly grabby and entitled. I'm not surprised your mil is f*cked off with you both.

[Petalflowers]

I think your mil is concerned for you. They are naturally worried that you are taking a big risk, and just being cautious.

I think they feel oressurisedin investing, but don’t actually want to. They don’t want that uncertainty in their lives, when they have reached a stable point in their lives. They are fully entitled to this opinion.

You say you feel ‘confident that you can get backers etc’, it sounds like you are building this business expecting mil to invest, without looking into the financials first. That’s the wrong way around. You should seek investment elsewhere, and then let them offer, not the other way around.


I think the moral of the story is not to mix business with pleasure. Enjoy the in-laws as just that, in-laws, not as business partners. Have the conversation, clear the air, and move on.

[DaphneduM]

I have every sympathy for your mother-in-law. She's probably very financially cautious and worried about what she perceives as a risky venture, which puts your family's future at risk. It's great that your parents have 'invested' but she obviously is feeling pressurised to do the same, but not happy about it. You must remember that by her age people need money for their old age - a safety net, and don't want to compromise that. In the interests of family harmony I suggest your husband has a one-to-one chat with his mum and smooths things over. It's his mum after all. I also suggest that you calm down and don't do anything that will upset your mother-in-law. She sounds lovely. Not everything in life is about money, believe it or not.

[Aridane]

Stop putting pressure on the poor woman to 'invest'

[LemonTT]

Who made her jealous? They same pair that 18 months ago found in heart to repair their fractious relationship. Surely not coincidental they were thinking of starting a business.

Sounds like the DH has a gift for persuasion particularly when it comes to getting others to shoulder the risk. But that persuasion didn’t extend to banks and investors. Or his mother. Maybe they know better.

[GunpowderGelatine]

God it's one of those AIBU's.

OP: AIBU

99% of people: Yes

One rogue poster: No. here's my completely different situation. YANBU

OP: Thank you rogue poster I KNEW IWNBU



Also why on earth would you go NC? No one has suggested that?