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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give in and speak to DH first

357 replies

OTRDN · 22/02/2019 18:15

The other evening, DH, DS and I were discussing how much money to give DS to go out to the cinema and get some food with his friends - I said £20 and DH said no £10 is enough. Obviously DS wanted the £20 and DH accused me of undermining him.

I explained that as I had offered the £20 first - it was actually him that was undermining me but he disagreed.

The money was actually DS's, we just look after it so that he doesn't spend it all at once, so I couldn't see the problem with £20. DH said that DS wont learn the value of money if we give him £20, but I argued that if we controlled how much we gave him he would never learn the value of money. If he wanted to spend all of his money he could - then he would run out of money and begin to learn the value of it.

Anyway moving on, after DS was in bed DH and I were sitting in our front room watching the TV and DH carried this on saying I was undermining him, he got really angry and told me to leave the room because he didn't want to be in the same room as me. Normally I don't do arguing but this night I said no, I told him that if he didn't want to be in the same room as me then that is his decision and he should leave the room.

Well, then he turned off the TV I was watching and took the remote control and said " well if you won't leave, you can sit here in silence!"

I was gobsmacked and did go a little bit mental, telling him he can not treat me like that.... since then DH has not spoken to me (he normally cooks dinner - but he has cooked everybody elses but mine) I really don't think I should back down on this, but I hate the silence and awkwardness.

AIBU not to give in and speak to him first?

OP posts:
SaturdayNext · 23/02/2019 15:15

I think this evening I might try to open a conversation by saying “the way you behaved was ridiculous and childish and I will not stand for it”

Probably not the best way to open the conversation, it'll just make him defensive and he'll sulk even more. I think I'd go with something like "Look, we can't continue with this silence, and if you think that by prolonging it I'm going to give in, you're badly mistaken. Grown-ups should be able to talk through their differences without this sort of behaviour. If you can't, there are serious question marks for me over whether is relationship can carry on".

longtimelurkerhelen · 23/02/2019 15:21

@OTRDN It is no way to live. My dh used to do this (his own father still does it to his mother, learned behavior), terrible atmosphere etc. After the third time, I told him it was not acceptable and either have it out or get out.

I am all for walking away when either of us get too angry and need to calm down, but what your dh is doing is punishing you because you didn't back down.

Also you ds must feel the tension, this is not a good environment for him. Especially as it started over something to to with him.

You dh needs to grow up and have an adult conversation with you. Now would be a great time if you are alone.

If he can't do that, is there any point in continuing this relationship?

Whisky2014 · 23/02/2019 15:36

Personally, I'd break the silence by saying "I want a divorce"

MiniCooperLover · 23/02/2019 15:51

OP, what do you expect a Dr to do about this type of behaviour? 😳

dragonsfire · 23/02/2019 16:04

Your husband is an arse mine can go silent but Jesus not for days after a few hours there’s a little chat and it’s resolved.

I think you need to purposely go out and meet a friend do not tell him, just leave the house for few hours or even overnight if your friend can accommodate it. Make it clear it’s not acceptable do not be the one to talk to him he needs to snap out of it- get your son to get receipts of what things costs as I garuntee more than a tenner! If anything more like £30!

On a side note - TVs can be used without remote controls, I would have just walked up and turned it back on very loudly!!!

tensmum1964 · 23/02/2019 16:10

I,m sorry OTRDN, this wont "destroy" your relationship, your relationship is already destroyed. The sooner you realise this and get away from him, the better for you and your children. I know a lot of mumsnet followers think some of us on here say LTB too easily but his behaviour is off the scale and he is unlikely to change. The fact that you have sent him to tbe GP before speaks volumes. Good luck for this eve but I don't hold out much hope for you unfortunately.

Wolfiefan · 23/02/2019 16:14

The doctor won’t help. He’s not sick. He’s learnt that acting like this gets you to give in and to toe the line.
He’s an arse.

Nat6999 · 23/02/2019 16:27

I'd have given DS £30 after that, snatched the remote back, rung up for a takeaway & sat watching something that I knew my other half would hate while stuffing my face for that. Come bedtime, I'd have put him out with the cat.

gamerchick · 23/02/2019 16:34

Re the cinema and nandos you were both wrong. He needed more than 20 quid.

As for your husband, maybe starting a conversation about what splitting up looks like would break the ice because there would be no way I would put up with that shit. He's treating you like a child and the more you put up with it the more he'll do it.

Tell him for the minute he can piss off elsewhere until he's over himself.

SaturdayNext · 23/02/2019 16:36

It might be worth printing out the cost of a cinema ticket plus the cost of a main course and drink at Nando's, putting them in front of your DH and ask if he is really going to carry on with this childish farce.

Rockmysocks · 23/02/2019 16:36

Wow. He has got his pants in a wedge. Not speaking to you?! Cooking food for everyone else but you?! Telling you to leave the room and turning off the telly because you wouldn't budge?!

I wouldn't back down, to be honest. Righteous indignation would stop me from giving in but it sounds a miserable situation.

Is he often like this? Are you happy with him?

penisbeakers · 23/02/2019 16:39

I had an ex just like this.

I divorced him. I was fed up of his childishness.

ilikemethewayiam · 23/02/2019 16:40

Research Narcissistic personality disorder! The silent treatment is one of the biggest weapons in their toolbox. You say he used this method before to get his own way. Even if you talk to him and get him to stop this treatment he will simply find another tool to use to control you. It is a personality disorder. It cannot be cured with counselling or meds! It is a fixed way of relating. I fear you are too nice and too passive and will keep giving him chances believing you can talk it through! If he is this type of personality it won’t work and you will have wasted years of your life.

cookiemon666 · 23/02/2019 16:47

Totally agree on this, just me, the kids and the animals

Topseyt · 23/02/2019 16:48

Sending him to a doctor would be utterly pointless, if you could even get him to go.

His only affliction is being an abusive arsehole. The only treatment for that is dumping his sorry arse.

VampirateQueen · 23/02/2019 16:50

Personally I would break the silence and tell him to get the fuck out. £10 would barely get you a cinema ticket near me, let alone popcorn, a drink and food afterwards. He is being a controlling arse. He believes you have stepped out of line and is trying to put you back in your place, seriously get rid of him now, and I don't usually say that.

MiddleClassPerm · 23/02/2019 16:54

Come bedtime, I'd have put him out with the cat.

Whoa there! If you're letting your cat outside I'm assuming you've cat proofed your garden?

AppleKatie · 23/02/2019 16:56

🤣hilarious attempt at derailing there.

GabriellaMontez · 23/02/2019 16:58

I don't get why you want to send him to the Dr. What would he say? What do you think is wrong with him?

This is a horrible way for you and dc to live. Àn atmosphere like that is awful even for a few hours. Have you thought about separating? Even as a trial?

Hotterthanahotthing · 23/02/2019 17:01

Don't back down.You know if you do then this will happen every time you have a different opinion .
It's easy to go along for an easy life but who you are gets lost and your kids will see this.So keep askting if he wants a tea when you make one,do him a plate when you cook.I dropped my ex's laundry about this point.
My ex and finally decided to divorce when I offered an option when we were watching the news.His reaction was explosive,out of nowhere.It escalated,I don't think until that point I had really appreciated how much of myself I had compromised.We left with just our clothing and a few items from the family home within 8 weeks to start almost from scratch.

DawgLover · 23/02/2019 17:15

I think you need to understand what your hard line is here. If he refuses to apologise what next?

The doctor cant cure him of a controlling nature or domineering personality. Counselling also isnt something that is recommended for couples where one person is abusive.

So before you start the conversation what is it you want and how far are you willing to go? An apology from him? Counselling just for him? Leave him if he refuses?

BlodwynBludd · 23/02/2019 17:21

I hope he's realised how horrible he has been to you. If he wasn't I hope you have a good solicitor.

melonscoffer · 23/02/2019 17:22

Whats your next move after telling him you won't stand for it?
He'll probably laugh at you because you do put up with it.
Or tell you to fuck off.
Then what?
You'll probably keep on standing for it.
Unless you're prepared to take action he'll always win.

pointythings · 23/02/2019 17:36

So this isn't the first time he's behaved like this, just the worst.
You need to have a serious think about your marriage and whether it has a future because you and your DS (and any other DCs you may have) deserve so much better.

If your DS is your only and he's 13, contact need not be an issue. His wishes will be taken into account.

Graphista · 23/02/2019 17:40

Our local independent cinema is much cheaper than the chains and it's still £7.50 for a ticket! No way even just cinema snacks would have been covered by £10 let alone nandos and its your sons money.

That aside, I would not have stood for the utter bullshit your husband has done!

I'd have followed him to get the remote back and TOLD him to return the remote and if he EVER treated me like a disobedient child or a servant again or indeed behaved like one by acting like a petulant fucking toddler he can get the hell out. Not even slightly kidding.

It's hugely disrespectful and abusive and tolerating it is a slippery slope in my opinion.

How do things stand at the moment? Cos if he's still sulking/not making you food I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms "grow the fuck up and get over yourself or get out!"

"I really don't understand why people put up with this shit."

Me neither who the hell does he think he is?!

"This can't possibly be the first time he's behaved this way, surely?" I'm thinking same considering OP'S reaction plus it's quite extreme behaviour

"Every day I read something on here which makes me thank my lucky stars that I live alone and don't have to live with some of these arseholes." Silverysurfer you and I rarely agree but on this absolutely! The appalling behaviour some posters put up with usually out of fear of being single astounds me- being single isn't perfect but in many ways it's bloody awesome and it's DEFINITELY preferable to living with a disrespectful, abusive, controlling arse!!

And again...suspect I know the answer though...is he ds's biological father?

This has gone on for 3 DAYS?! Get him fucking gone! That is COMPLETELY unacceptable.

"it’s not the first time ... but this is the first time to this extent." In that case it is definitely ABUSE which is ESCALATING - out he goes!

How long have you been together?

Therapy doesn't cure abusive arseholery

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