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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give in and speak to DH first

357 replies

OTRDN · 22/02/2019 18:15

The other evening, DH, DS and I were discussing how much money to give DS to go out to the cinema and get some food with his friends - I said £20 and DH said no £10 is enough. Obviously DS wanted the £20 and DH accused me of undermining him.

I explained that as I had offered the £20 first - it was actually him that was undermining me but he disagreed.

The money was actually DS's, we just look after it so that he doesn't spend it all at once, so I couldn't see the problem with £20. DH said that DS wont learn the value of money if we give him £20, but I argued that if we controlled how much we gave him he would never learn the value of money. If he wanted to spend all of his money he could - then he would run out of money and begin to learn the value of it.

Anyway moving on, after DS was in bed DH and I were sitting in our front room watching the TV and DH carried this on saying I was undermining him, he got really angry and told me to leave the room because he didn't want to be in the same room as me. Normally I don't do arguing but this night I said no, I told him that if he didn't want to be in the same room as me then that is his decision and he should leave the room.

Well, then he turned off the TV I was watching and took the remote control and said " well if you won't leave, you can sit here in silence!"

I was gobsmacked and did go a little bit mental, telling him he can not treat me like that.... since then DH has not spoken to me (he normally cooks dinner - but he has cooked everybody elses but mine) I really don't think I should back down on this, but I hate the silence and awkwardness.

AIBU not to give in and speak to him first?

OP posts:
Shinyletsbebadguys · 23/02/2019 12:57

I thanknyou are absolutely right to speak to him clearly this evening and lay down boundaries

Honestly if this were me I would sit down and be crystal clear that this never ever occurs again because it will end the relationship....his behaviour is massively controlling and unacceptable (and beyond childish)

If be inclined to say what you have said here that it is affecting how you feel about him and ultimately it would affect whether you stay in the marriage but first and foremost he stops this stupid behaviour and never repeats it

He's an ass of the highest order and I'm impressed you've kept your temper

huuskymam · 23/02/2019 12:58

He told you to leave the room, knocked off the TV, took the remote control and didn't cook for you. Hes treating you like a mug instead of a wife. Sounds like a complete asshole.

Topseyt · 23/02/2019 13:00

With your updates he now sounds like even more of an arse, if that were possible.

Don't put up with it. Perhaps go and join the children at your parents' house? I might be tempted to do that.

ohfourfoxache · 23/02/2019 13:02

Can you see that he’s an abusive arsehole?

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2019 13:02

How much is it worth staying with someone like that?

AppleKatie · 23/02/2019 13:03

OP you are being amazing. It’s so hard to stand up to an arsehole. If he won’t back down you have a choice to make. His behaviour is either acceptable in your marriage or it isn’t.

That bit is up to you. Flowers

Bloomburger · 23/02/2019 13:06

I'd start talking to him first, I'd tell him I'd seen a solicitor and had filed for divorce because I didn't want to be married to someone with the emotional maturity of a 12 year old boy.

Aaaahfuck · 23/02/2019 13:07

Jesus! This is not normal behaviour from your DH. It's so controlling and aggressive. I don't know how you can put up with this shit.

ineedaholidaynow · 23/02/2019 13:07

When do the DC come home?

Is he like this with them, people he works with or just you?

I think his behaviour is awful Flowers

6demandingchildren · 23/02/2019 13:09

why stay at home and put up with a man child, go out have lunch then see some friends or family go to the pub/see a show just dont stay at home being ignored.

Sparkletastic · 23/02/2019 13:20

I think my opening gambit would be 'Your behaviour during and after the argument over the past few days has made me seriously question whether I wish to remain married to you.'

And I would be deadly serious.

jinglewithbellson · 23/02/2019 13:58

I have a dh that used to be stroppy but the last couple of years when we bicker over something he does exactly this Hmm

It really does eat away at how you view and respect them as a person to the degree that the last time it happened I just got on with doing things and ignoring his childish behaviour.

After a few days of it I calmly said this is the last time you behave like a spoilt man child over something so small and that the fall out isn't because of the initial base of the bicker but his behaviour that follows and I'm not tolerating it.
I also told him it's making me question being married to someone who would deliberately act like such a knob and cause an atmosphere and be difficult and actually I didn't need that shit in my life and he was free to leave or sort his shit out.
So far no more however if it does happen again I will be telling him I'm done.

I'm realising life's too short to be with someone that makes you feel like that.
Controlling behaviour is not ok

NannyRed · 23/02/2019 14:02

Definitely don’t give in, he’s being totally unreasonable and a massive dick.
I couldn’t have put this any better. What a bullying twat you have as a ‘d’h. Bullying and childish. I’m almost tempted to give my first LTB!

tensmum1964 · 23/02/2019 14:02

I really do feel for you having to deal with this but its time to wake up and smell the rosie's. His behaviour is beyond acceptable and incredibly unlikely to change. If you don't get him out of your life soon then you will inevitably have to live like this for however long you stay with him. I don't mean to be hurtful but I think judging by some of the things that you have already put up with and normalised that your insight in to how you are being treated and how this is and will affect your children is limited. You really would benefit from seeking out some counselling for yourself to enable you to start to realise how abusive this relationship is and get the support you need to get out of it.

tensmum1964 · 23/02/2019 14:06

Oops, obviously I meant Roses Hmm

MrsPinkCock · 23/02/2019 14:06

Why are you even bothering to say hello and make him cups of tea?!

Fuck that. He deserves no favours.

I hope the couch gives him back ache.

mummmy2017 · 23/02/2019 14:12

So your acted like an adult and he won't
Yeah let him have it both barrels.

IncrediblySadToo · 23/02/2019 14:15

I wouldn’t be staying with a man who did that. It’ll only be a matter of time before he gives you the slap you ‘deserve’.

Get out.

picklemepopcorn · 23/02/2019 14:20

Does he work? Is he the main carer for your children?

picklemepopcorn · 23/02/2019 14:22

I wouldn't directly challenge him with "the way you behaved was ridiculous and childish and I will not stand for it"

I'd be less confrontational - "we need to talk about this, what's your solution?"

Chickychoccyegg · 23/02/2019 14:22

If i were you, i wouldnt be interested in sorting things out, your dh sounds like a controlling arse!

AgathaF · 23/02/2019 14:39

I think this evening I might try to open a conversation by saying “the way you behaved was ridiculous and childish and I will not stand for it” - you have to consider what you mean by "I will not stand for it". So far it seems that you have tried to appease him, to bring him round. I suspect that is because it is an ingrained habit formed over the years of your relationship. However, if you really won't stand for it, what will you do? What will change?

Original poster
OTRDN · 23/02/2019 15:08

Historically, I give in and we just carry on as normal - but this time I really want him to see that his behaviour was out of line and that he over stepped the mark. I think I will suggest a visit to the Dr’s (although last time I managed to get him to go they sent him away with a piece of paper telling him about mindfulness) and if not then counselling because this pattern of behaviour needs to change because it is unhealthy and will destroy our relationship

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 23/02/2019 15:10

Op i bet it is only the first time to this extent because you wont apologise. This is an abusive relationship and you need some help to see this and leave.

FenellaMaxwell · 23/02/2019 15:12

Jesus, what a petty man child. Pack his stuff and leave it outside. Nobody deserves this.