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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give in and speak to DH first

357 replies

OTRDN · 22/02/2019 18:15

The other evening, DH, DS and I were discussing how much money to give DS to go out to the cinema and get some food with his friends - I said £20 and DH said no £10 is enough. Obviously DS wanted the £20 and DH accused me of undermining him.

I explained that as I had offered the £20 first - it was actually him that was undermining me but he disagreed.

The money was actually DS's, we just look after it so that he doesn't spend it all at once, so I couldn't see the problem with £20. DH said that DS wont learn the value of money if we give him £20, but I argued that if we controlled how much we gave him he would never learn the value of money. If he wanted to spend all of his money he could - then he would run out of money and begin to learn the value of it.

Anyway moving on, after DS was in bed DH and I were sitting in our front room watching the TV and DH carried this on saying I was undermining him, he got really angry and told me to leave the room because he didn't want to be in the same room as me. Normally I don't do arguing but this night I said no, I told him that if he didn't want to be in the same room as me then that is his decision and he should leave the room.

Well, then he turned off the TV I was watching and took the remote control and said " well if you won't leave, you can sit here in silence!"

I was gobsmacked and did go a little bit mental, telling him he can not treat me like that.... since then DH has not spoken to me (he normally cooks dinner - but he has cooked everybody elses but mine) I really don't think I should back down on this, but I hate the silence and awkwardness.

AIBU not to give in and speak to him first?

OP posts:
Topseyt · 23/02/2019 03:07

Your DH needs a kick up the arse, and perhaps out of the door as well!

Disgraceful behaviour from him. Don't stand for it. Nobody, and I do mean nobody at all, would speak to me like that, especially in my own home.

Ce7913 · 23/02/2019 03:23
  1. Your husband says you undermined him, but what he really means is you didn't defer to him.
  1. He undermined you.

If the situation was reversed, and your husband had been the one to say, "$20" first and then you had said, "no, $10", I guarantee he would have said that you were undermining him.

But his attempt to overrule you somehow isn't undermining?

  1. He's controlling and abusive:
  • Self-appointed final authority
  • DARVO: He denies his misbehaviour, accuses you of something that he is actually doing and claims victimhood when he was the offender.
  • Thinks he can banish you, an adult, from common areas over and institute controlling punishments when you don't meekly obey.
  • Silent treatment/withdrawal of affection
  • Deliberate exclusion from family routines and activities

This is one of many steps, and I suspect not the first, towards you walking on eggshells and moulding your life around placating him so that you can avoid his man-sized toddler tantrums.

penisbeakers · 23/02/2019 04:20

Tell him to fuck off the complete wanksock!

BlackCatSleeping · 23/02/2019 04:27

I’m just shocked at the whole thing.

Is your husband usually like this? Because he sounds like a bully Sad

Shoxfordian · 23/02/2019 07:25

He sounds like a knob
Is he always this difficult if you don't agree with him?

SaturdayNext · 23/02/2019 07:45

Your husband is utterly ridiculous to contend that a cinema ticket plus a Nando's would cost under £10. He's even more ridiculous to be so unable to cope with the possibility of being mistaken that he won't even cook dinner for you.

I don't think you should give in, OP. If he's still doing the silent treatment this morning it may be worth trying to ask him how he would react if you tried the remote confiscation/no dinner routine on him just because he happened not to agree with you about something. If he's still sulking, I'd be tempted to follow his lead and stop doing his washing or anything else.

HarrySnotter · 23/02/2019 07:50

Absolutely do not back down. He's wrong on so many levels here I don't really know where to start.

AJPTaylor · 23/02/2019 07:55

You are in the right.
But you are wrong to bring your children up in this atmosphere.
My parents low level issues and my dad's mental health ruined my childhood and that of my siblings and turned me into an appeasing people pleaser.

NoParticularPattern · 23/02/2019 07:57

Jesus. I mean I can be childish with the best of them but that’s just something else. It’s £20. OF HIS OWN MONEY. You do not “learn the value of money” by never having control over your own money. I’d have thought £20 for a film and food would be more than acceptable. You didn’t offer the full £300 for fucks sake!

Anyway all that aside he sounds like an absolute knobhead. I mean who demands that someone else leaves the room because they’re the one that’s pissed off?! Or then leaves the room but stops you doing whatever it was that you were doing in there. And as for the not cooking for you thing that’s just horrible. I’m sorry but he sounds like an absolute prize wanker.

Ohtherewearethen · 23/02/2019 08:40

Your husband is an abusive control freak. It's clear to us and we've only just been introduced to him! Just who on earth does he think he is, sending you out of the room and making you sit in silence like a naughty child? What will he try to do to your children when they don't do what he wants or answers him back?

Rememory · 23/02/2019 08:43

Wow not acceptable at all

C0untDucku1a · 23/02/2019 08:43

£10 was not enough. If they also needed to oarly for travel home, neither was £20! It is not the 99’s!

Your husband is abusive.

SaturdayNext · 23/02/2019 08:57

Well, then he turned off the TV I was watching and took the remote control and said " well if you won't leave, you can sit here in silence!"

I'd have fetched a book, put some music on the radio (or my phone) and curled up and made myself comfortable.

What a childish twat your husband is.

RestingBitchFaced · 23/02/2019 09:04

Well it's a bit childish of both of you to be sulking and not speaking to each other. I would be furious if I was you OP - £20 of his own money was perfectly reasonable. He sounds like a bully. I would go out somewhere, and leave him to sulk if possible

DanielRicciardosSmile · 23/02/2019 09:06

I've got nothing really to add that PP haven't already said, but wanted to stick my hand up and agree that A your DH is a controlling twat, and B you were right in the first place and £10 wasn't enough.

OxanaVorontsova · 23/02/2019 09:08

H is an utter nob as has been said repeatedly.

However if DS is old enough to go to cinema and Nando’s he’s old enough to have a bank account and debit card surely?

JaceLancs · 23/02/2019 09:34

I would be rethinking the whole relationship and tell him so

Rosered341 · 23/02/2019 11:34

Excellent post Ce7913

Original poster
OTRDN · 23/02/2019 12:39

Thank you everybody for your reply, I have opened an account for DS this week and we are waiting for his card etc to come through - this way he will have a savings account and an account he can use to spend as he wishes and when his money runs out he will be resolinsible.

As far as DH is concerned, he has not spoken to me since this happened on Wednesday evening! - the DC are staying with my parents so that’s good.

DH has been sleeping on the sofa and I am not sure how to break the silence, when I have been getting home from work I have said hello, but I get no response from him.

We have workmen in today, so I made them a cup of tea and made DH one but he would’t Drink it.

I don’t think he is going to apologise and I refuse to let him think that his behaviour has been acceptable. I think this evening I might try to open a conversation by saying “the way you behaved was ridiculous and childish and I will not stand for it” ... I just feel that if he loved me he wouldn’t be able to treat me like this

OP posts:
RestingBitchFaced · 23/02/2019 12:42

Go out somewhere nice, and don't tell him where your going or when you will be back, let him have his childish strop

Holidayshopping · 23/02/2019 12:43

@OTRDN

Is this the first time since you have been together that he has behaved like this?

sheldonstwin · 23/02/2019 12:48

I wonder if you can envisage the rest of your life with this sulking, tantrum man? People don't usually improve with age, either, so you may well find more and more examples of this outrageous behaviour as he gets older. Maybe you should start thinking about possible ways out of this relationship.

MiniCooperLover · 23/02/2019 12:49

If your kids aren't there then go out for the day, on your own! If he wouldn't even drink a cup of tea he's an even bigger knob than he initially sounded!

Original poster
OTRDN · 23/02/2019 12:50

Holiday shopping - it’s not the first time ... but this is the first time to this extent.

Every time he goes like this it feels like it is chipping away at my feelings and I don’t want it to be me that backs down on this one because I think that this will make him feel that his behaviour is acceptable

OP posts:
Asta19 · 23/02/2019 12:54

Oh OP. I feel so sad for you. He’s a childish bastard, sorry but he is. just change “the way you behaved” to “the way you are behaving” because all of the crap he’s pulled since the actual event is disgusting. Not drinking the tea you made? Not answering hello back? This is abuse. It’s controlling, it’s using “the silent treatment” to get what he wants.

I suspect one of two things will happen this evening. He will either just continue to ignore you (I think this is the most likely) as you’re not saying what he wants to hear. Or he will firmly lay all the blame on you. Realistically he isn’t going to suddenly crumble and say “I’m so sorry, I’ve behaved like a dick”. I think you need to seriously think about what your next move is going to be.

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