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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To despise my own child?

127 replies

Jambalaya76 · 21/02/2019 19:07

He is 6. Very well behaved at school. Impeccable in fact. But at home he is a monster. Demanding, rude, hurtful, violent, very needy, destructive and not nice to be around. We have tried to get help from the school and have used behaviour modifying techniques, using rewards and consequences to actions. But he is very trying and I find my patience is low with him. It's like he enjoys trouble and being shouted at.
I do love him, but can't stand him at the same time. I desperately need help because I want to make our relationship better and give him better childhood memories other than being shouted at. Any help
Please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jambalaya76 · 21/02/2019 19:12

To put this into context, I have an older child who does not display these behaviours and never has

OP posts:
TheInvestigator · 21/02/2019 19:13

You've said it... He enjoys you shouting and getting yourself sound up; he likes the attention and reaction he's getting. In school, they don't scream and shout when kids are bad (at least they shouldnt) and he is behaving there. But at home, his bad behaviour gets a bigger reaction.

My oldest went through a phase like this so when he was bad or did something against the house rules, I just ignored him. It soon stopped.

Hairyporker · 21/02/2019 19:13

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Original poster
Jambalaya76 · 21/02/2019 19:15

He has always been like this, since he was old enough to give a reaction. 6 hard years. It must get better than this! If I ignore him, he follows me around. I think he would make the pop swear!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jambalaya76 · 21/02/2019 19:17

Pope

OP posts:
DonaldTwain · 21/02/2019 19:18

If this is genuinely how you feel about your child you need some help.
Even negative reinforcement (shouting etc) will be sought by a young child if there is nothing better on offer. Anything is preferable to indifference.
Please get some help. Local health visitors may be able to advise.

Fullofregrets33 · 21/02/2019 19:19

I have no advice just sending you a virtual hug. My son is like this but the opposite way around, great at home, bad at school. It makes me so sad because I feel like it's only us, his family who see the nice boy

dreamyflower · 21/02/2019 19:20

I don't mean this to sound patronising so apologies if it does but so you keep him busy at home? I always find if I don't have an activity planned for ds (he's a lot younger- toddler) then he becomes bored and plays up. At school he is probably busy all day so doesn't need to seek attention etc. Could you maybe try to have activities on the go during free time at home?

Original poster
Jambalaya76 · 21/02/2019 19:24

Donald I don't always shout. I am very patient, as is my husband. We try everything before shouting but sometimes it's the only thing that makes him pay attention. We try to spend a lot of time with him. He is clingy so we try to get him to try new things and play with friends. But he doesn't like to do anything apart from be at home and go on his iPad. We restrict his iPad use.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jambalaya76 · 21/02/2019 19:26

I often wonder whether there is something wrong with him

OP posts:
Readysteadygoat · 21/02/2019 19:26

Sometimes I despise my 12 yo too. I don't know what the answer is

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 21/02/2019 19:27

'Despise'? Really?

The poor boy.

Any specific examples of this behaviour?

Samind · 21/02/2019 19:30

What about some chores or like a project? A canvas to paint or even something you could make together. It might give him some responsibility and then he can see what a good job he is doing etc

HollowTalk · 21/02/2019 19:31

I would actually get rid of the iPad altogether if it's causing so much trouble.

dimsum321 · 21/02/2019 19:31

Is there any way you could try and talk to him to try and explore his feelings which may then shed some light on his behavior.

V v hard with a 6 year old I know but there are books aimed at children which help them explore identify and understand their feelings and behaviour which you can both read together. If you do an Amazon search I'm sure you'll find something.

Other than that is there a school counsellor who could help?

LovingLola · 21/02/2019 19:32

Have you sought any help ?

EducatingArti · 21/02/2019 19:33

Have a look at therapeutic parenting and compassion fatigue. There's a therapeutic parenting group on Facebook that might help you get out of this spiral of bad behaviour and you getting frustrated and angry

YetAnotherUser · 21/02/2019 19:35

My eldest is a lot like this. He's only happy when he's miserable, or making other people miserable - usually his little brother! He's always been hard work, but his younger brother is completely different and much easier to get on with.

I try my best with him, but I'm desperately hoping he'll grow into a responsible adult, because years of attempting to modify his behaviour has only had limited results.

cstaff · 21/02/2019 19:35

My sister has a girl like this. She has said to me a few times "is it ok to love your daughter but not really like her some times". She is also perfect in school and when out with friends. It is not uncommon. Tbh I don't know how she stays sane. So you are definitely not on your own.

BeautifulName · 21/02/2019 19:37

Kids can sometimes act up because they are worried about something or anxious. Holding it together at school and then fall apart at home. They’re not being naughty just trying to have adult attention to feel safe. Even negative attention is better than feeling alone with fears. Could this be a part of it?

Jamhandprints · 21/02/2019 19:41

I totally understand. I was almost at the point of asking SS to remove my DS last year. But instead I called the Health Visitor, GP and nursery and now he is actually on the waiting list for an Autism assessment. There is a type of autism called PDA which makes kids seem very naughty. So things are not that much better but we now have some support , I've done some training and we have more of an idea of how to cope with him.
So I suggest visiting the GP, with or without him for a referral to the paediatrician. Because maybe there actually is something wrong and there might be help available.
Flowers

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 21/02/2019 19:42

I've got one like this - he's a beast inside the house - out side the house he is the sweetest child/teenager/adult - neighbours adore him but he was a shit at school, always excluded, total PIA. Even now mid 20's he's a bastard to his younger brothers . He's driving the others out and I'll be stuck with him and his abuse eventually. Of course now we've 10 years into weed and paranoia.....

I think I shall sell and bugger off to Spain or somewhere he cant get to me ….

nellieellie · 21/02/2019 19:42

Do you feel that this behaviour is, basically, not normal? As opposed to a “naughty” kid who just needs consistent firm, compassionate parenting? If you do, then maybe go to your GP and request a referral to the child development team. Have you looked at Oppositional Defiant Disorder as a possibility? The only other thing I can think of is to keep a diary and with this as evidence ask the school for help.

Springwalk · 21/02/2019 19:42

What do you love about him
Op?

How often do you hug your son? How often do you laugh and smile in his company? Do you praise him whenever you can?

It strikes me that if he isn’t feeling loved and valued by you, regardless of how that happened, then he may be finding another way to get your attention.

Oneweekleft · 21/02/2019 19:43

I think you need to work on improving your connection with him and then he'll be much more likely to behave better. Although you may have to accept he may not behave in the way you like and his character is different to his brothers. I have a 6 year old too and a 4 year old and the 6 year old boy has been very demanding and prone to real mood swings, the 4 year old has always been slow and steady and never really has a tantrum. I joined the Facebook group parenting outside the lines and I learnt a lot about trying to get the connection with your child, acknowledging their feelings however difficult they may be and staying with them there in the moment rather than leaping in to control and discipline them. I hope that makes sense but what the message was really is if you can build a connection with your child and help show them you understand how they feel then parenting them will be alot easier. Some kids need more input than others.

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