To despise my own child?

[Jambalaya76]

He is 6. Very well behaved at school. Impeccable in fact. But at home he is a monster. Demanding, rude, hurtful, violent, very needy, destructive and not nice to be around. We have tried to get help from the school and have used behaviour modifying techniques, using rewards and consequences to actions. But he is very trying and I find my patience is low with him. It's like he enjoys trouble and being shouted at.
I do love him, but can't stand him at the same time. I desperately need help because I want to make our relationship better and give him better childhood memories other than being shouted at. Any help
Please?

I think at this point you need to document his behaviour and go talk to your GP about a referral to a Child Development team.

While I dont like armchair diagnosis, i'm a mum with a DC who has Autism/ADHD and quite a bit of what you've said in how you describe your son just sets up a few red flags.

"It's like he enjoys trouble and being shouted at. "

So stop feeding the monster (not literally of course). Stop shouting. Stop reacting.

I would make an appointment to talk to his class teacher. What strategies can they suggest? Do they feel that he is NT?

You could look into 'non violent resistance' as a strategy that has been very successful with similar children. Some areas run courses for parents, or there are books available.

“ often wonder whether there is something wrong with him”

I think you might be right....there is something underneath this.
And exploring that might help you feel differently about him too.

All the best

I second @EducatingArti. Look for the Therapeutic Parenting group on FB. Buy the A-Z book they recommend. Try some of their TP techniques. And join the NATP

I'd be concerned about hurting animals to be honest.

Reading this with interest. My ds (5) is very similar. Has been like this, to a certain extent, since he was a baby. He now has utter rages though and looks as though he hates me. It's awful and I am so upset that he is obviously finding managing things so difficult. It must be scary for him. Not to mention draining for me.

We have stopped YouTube completely because it was definitely a negative influence on his behaviour.

We also use a marble jar. He starts the day with 5 marbles, must end with 5 marbles to get Lego time at the end of the day. Marbles are taken away for bad behaviour but also given for good behaviour so it's not all negative. It's relatively successful.

I'd forgotten about The Explosive Child, will order that.

It may be that he really struggled to hold it all together at school then let’s go when he gets home. I’m NOT suggesting he has ADHD or ASD but similarly these children often behave in this manner and the fact that they are ‘good’ at school doesn’t mean they are necessarily coping. I’d be tempted to speak to your GP to see if there is support that you can be offered.

You are rightly seeingthis feeling of despising your child as a red flag. A red flag for you. Something is going wrong at home and you cannot blame your child.

Please please get some outside help, not just the school. Get a very good behavioural Psychologist in to go through a behaviour plan with you. They should do a good assessment with you which involves:
Triggers - times of day, what exactly happens before the bad behaviour, what were the consequences e.g. did you threaten to take away the iPad, did the child scream, did you then let him have more time etc.

Vagueness is not going to solve it. It can be made so much better. You must measure and very carefully observe.

Then make a plan of how to act.

Generalisations, like he’s naughty, he’s just bad, it wasn’t like this with my other child so I won’t change how I deal with this. None of that helps. Good luck please tackle this.

I think you need to stop comparing to your other child, and parent this child how this child needs to be parented. It doesn't sound good to say you despise your own child, it doesn't sound right - it sounds as though you are abdicating your responsibility to love and bring up your child and that you are the victim, though I am sure that that isn't what you meant. This is a good article which may give you some pointers and you may find it helpful to read more of the links in her website:

www.ahaparenting.com/blog/whats_behind_that_irritating_behavior

One of my dc is like yours sometimes, and sometimes they are really good company. At the times they are behaving appallingly they are usually really in need and if I dig deep and up the ante and provide better quality attention and parenting it works. Which leads me to believe that there are things that we as parents can do to help them change trajectory.

My dc gets thrown off kilter again by all sorts of things which would not affect other children in the same way - tiredness, low level problems at school.

There are things you can do do to make your child happier and to behave because he wants to.

It is jolly hard work. I regard my child as very high maintenance. When they are fully grown and having a fine life I intend to be a very high maintenance parent as pay back!

But in all seriousness it sounds as though your dc needs some intensive help asap if they are not being kind to animals sometimes - as far as I know that is a message that the child feels really bad inside and needs help. If you aren't sure what to do, then do get help in real life.

You're labelling him and that becomes a difficult pattern to break - for him and you. Have you read How To Talk . . .? Your DS is only 6. Yy it's normal to get weary with a demanding child but tbh you are the adult. Stop comparing him to your other child. Assume that if he could do better, he would. Work on positive attention and make a promise not to shout. You've created a pattern where he thinks he only has to listen when you're shouting. That isn't his fault but you will be able to break it. Instead of shouting, walk away. Lock yourself in the bathroom if you have to.You can change this but you need to work at it.

I was going to suggest some positiver parenting techniques. They are time-consuming but so are tantrums and arguments.

Positive parenting focuses on really listening to the child and mirroring/agreeing with what they say without giving in to them. So if he shouts a demand, you repeat or echo it in a calm, interested voice.
E.g. if he screams: I want to go to the park now! in a meltdown threatening voice but you have other plans, you say: 'You really want to go to the park, don't you? You have great fun when we go to the park.' That way you are acknowledging his passion without reacting to it or giving in to it. It sound artificial but it works.

If he hurts the dog, you don't just get an apology, you stay with him until he really sees why it's not OK to hurt others. In that scenario, I would get down to his level, look him in the eye and say in a very strong, I'm-in-charge voice, but without any loss of control: Do NOT hurt the dog. You are not allowed to hurt the dog and the dog is not allowed to hurt you. We do not hurt each other n this family. It is NOT kind. Would you like me if I hurt you?
Make sure he answers that question, then agree with him if he says no. 'That;s right, you would think I was mean. We don't want the dog to think you are mean. Remember when you played with the dog and he wagged his tail because he was so happy being your friend? That;s more fun for you and the dog. What could you do to make him wag his tail again now?'

So it is very time consuming. But it really, really works. I was the only mum in our local autism support group whose child had never had a melt down and I think it's because those techniques side-tracked the outbursts.

I can relate to exactly what you've written and it's not nice to feel so negatively about your own flesh and blood is it? and I am a psychologist...

It's been said a couple of times but I highly recommend www.ahaparenting.com - I'm currently doing her online parenting course and it is making a difference to our connection, although half term has thrown a bit of a grenade into the mix!

It might be worth asking the school for an ed psych assessment as the school teacher won't be able to spot more subtle signs of neurodiversity when they've got 29 other kids to focus on. My ds is currently being assessed and sounds similar to yours except for the hurting animals part, which is definitely a bit of a red flag.

Unmumsnetty hugs - it's bloody tough parenting a challenging child

Please Google ASD and see if the traits fit your son. The angel at school and nightmare at home is v common for ASD children. The not liking hugs could also be a sensory element. May not be, but worth a look to see what you think.

My post crossed with that of pinacolada, who I agree with.

I second @EducatingArti. Look for the Therapeutic Parenting group on FB. Buy the A-Z book they recommend. Try some of their TP techniques. And join the NATP

I wouldn't recommend NATP at all. They are not professionals, they are not clinical psychologists, they are not child psychologists, they are not doctors. I would get advice from really well qualified people.

@trainsong same here! Honestly some kids just need us to really step up. No other way around it.
So it is very time consuming. But it really, really works. I was the only mum in our local autism support group whose child had never had a melt down and I think it's because those techniques side-tracked the outbursts.

Trainsong thank you. Your advice is something I will try immediately. Thank you everyone for being so unbelievably understanding. I know we we get there. It is so so hard!

My dd has tried to hurt our pet before that she loves - it was when she was incredibly anxious and distressed, she loves that pet it really is a display of how bad they are feeling.

You need to try and figure out why he’s so stressed.

Both my dds get really badly behaved when they spend time on iPads, even my older dd just can’t have a tablet as her behaviour goes off a cliff.

I wouldn’t make it a punishment I’d just lose it and distract and see if his behaviour improves at all.

Setting very firm expectations on routines (reading is done at x, homework is done at y, you have 2 treats per day, pocket money is on Friday etc) helped us. A lot of the bad behaviour was related to unclear expectations.

It helps to know we are not alone and gives us strength to rise above it and deal with difficult behaviour in a productive way by sharing ideas and advice

The iPad has been hidden for the last 4 days and we have deleted YouTube off the tele. I do think this has a massive negative effect on his behaviour for sure

If it helps, remind yourself that it is not your son that you despise but his behaviour.

Have you tried going out somewhere quiet - a walk in the woods ? Just a thought that being on neutral territory may help. Say that you think he is finding things hard and is it something you can talk about to try and work out how you can sort it out together?

It’s nice that PDA is now a bit more known about on MN. Very challenging for parents.

Just to add this link @Jambalaya
www.autism.org.uk/get-involved/world-autism-awareness-week/schools.aspx

Whatever is going on I do think you need to get some help - GP is usually the first stop, but talking to school and asking for their help too would be a good too as they will have access to other specialists.

You can self refer to CAHMS too - I did for my DC and got help that way - took 8 months for diagnosis.

Sorry I haven't read the thread but look up Sarah Ockwell-Smith X